So disappointed

[Grannie G]

The care home manager came to assess him the other day @GrannieG, she was really lovely but he wouldn't have anything to do with her, wouldntntalk to her except to tell her he wasnt going anywhere and not into her " institution " told her to leave. , I got upset and left the room but she came out I checked I was ok, she said IF he changes his mind to let her know. Hmmmmm

This was my husband to a `T` @pevensey

Because of this I told my husband visitors from all disciplines had come help me and asked them to talk to me in the kitchen. Just this request helped them realise the difficulties I was having.

I`m pleased your son is able to be with your husband for part of the time, especially overnight. It`s the best compromise.

 

[TNJJ]

So, I've been running around TRYING to sort out extra carers to come during the day for half every now and then, justnto check on him and make coffee. Even though he says he wont let them in. At least I've tried. I think he thinks I won't go but hes wrong . Mind you , he had a fall yesterday morning early about 4-30, he didnt hurt himself but I vouldnt get him up so had to use the life line, much to his disgust, he kept telling me not to.. paramedics came and got him up, checked him over and he was ok. But I thought what would happen if that had been when i wasnt there.
But a lady from adult social care rang me today, was chatting to her for ages, she asked if I wanted him assessed again and of course I said yes, I think that's because I asked her about the CAPACITY word. Anyway she started saying not to worry unduly about him not letting carers in, hes refused to have them, refused respite, so hes made the decision that hes ok on his own so he has to face the consequences of how he gets on, she said it sounds cruel but if he falls and a carer finds him he would have to ho to hospital, and then that when I say I dont want him home, it's too unsafe for him, and told me to go with my daughter, and not to worry about him !!!!
Shes coming next week to assess him. But one reassuring thing is my son is going to stay overnight with him, which I'm pleased about although he doesn't get home from work till about 7-30 and leaves at about 6-30min morning. but better than not at all.

Hi! That is good that you used the lifeline.That is what it is the for. Brilliant that someone is coming to reassess him .Whether he has capacity or not . But if he has then as lady from SS says any decisions that he makes ,he will have to accept the consequences.

I’m glad you are getting somewhere and I’m DELIGHTED that you are definitely going with your daughter.

Dad is now staying another week at the home.What a palaver that was.. “ Fun and games with dad “ is about right.

 

[pevensey]

Quite right Pevensey, your daughter needs you and he will have to manage without you for abit. I do hope all goes (went?....time zones confuse me!) well at her appointment. The mesh thing is often in the news over here in NZ......I will have my fingers crossed that they can sort it forher.....I think we're at our most vulnerable where our children are concerned (however old they are)and you've already got a lot on your plate. Take care x

SO, I'm getting nervous now, I know everyone is telling me I must go and I KNOW I need to be with my daughter who by the way has been my rock since hubby was diagnosed 4nyrs ago. Even a lovely lady rang from adult social care and told me I had to support my daughter, she wasnt happy with hubby at all, said he was being belligerent and hes chosen what he wants to do and I know that BUT hes now playing the hard done by poor me card, saying how am I going to do this how am I going to that. I reminded him that I begged him to go to respite just for 1 night 2 days but he gave me abuse, or that I would get extra carers in during the day, said that he wouldn't let them in, but I've booked them anyway. When I reminded him of this he said I was being vindictive!!!! I know hes scared now of thought of being on his own although the max time he will actually be alone is about hour n half before my son gets home from work ,hes stopping overnight, and about
hour n half in morning as son has to go to work early 6 am. Carer coming at 7_30 . But I'm worried and feel guilty, even though hes given me such a hard time over this. Quite looking forward to a long
4 hour car drive though will make sure we have music on really loud, will make me feel better. Just wish these colliwobles would go away.

 

[Pink-geranium]

Hi Pevensey,
I manage to go away for 24 hours almost every week, and every time I feel guilty and a bit anxious even though our son comes in in the day I'm not there. The sky doesn't fall in, the sun doesn't darken, my OH may be a bit cross when I get back but he's resigned to it.

Go! you will still feel antsy like I do, but you owe it much more to your daughter than your OH, and you've put so much support in place. Try not to feel guilty, think about your daughter.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Your Daughter is scared & you are her Mum. Go help her, she’s been there for you. your husband has made your life difficult if you don’t go he’s always going to behave like this - sorry but it will just get worse!

 

[charlie10]

Your husband obviously knows which buttons to press, whether subconsciously or on purpose.....we women tend to spend our lives trying to please other people, putting ourselves after our loved ones. Well now it's a different loved one who needs you, you're not even doing this for yourself so time to pull up your big girl pants and ignore the button pressing

Sorry if I'm being a bit of a bully, but this is a speech I have to give myself occasionally.....and my husband is usually a sweetie but does sometimes railroad me.....and I usually let him cos I like a quiet life! I'm sure your daughter will be thrilled to have your support, and will also see that you can put her first when she needs you. I hope the news is good and you enjoy your time together

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Your husband obviously knows which buttons to press, whether subconsciously or on purpose.....we women tend to spend our lives trying to please other people, putting ourselves after our loved ones. Well now it's a different loved one who needs you, you're not even doing this for yourself so time to pull up your big girl pants and ignore the button pressing

Sorry if I'm being a bit of a bully, but this is a speech I have to give myself occasionally.....and my husband is usually a sweetie but does sometimes railroad me.....and I usually let him cos I like a quiet life! I'm sure your daughter will be thrilled to have your support, and will also see that you can put her first when she needs you. I hope the news is good and you enjoy your time together

that saying “ time to pull up the big girl pants” it’s a mantra I daily use!
Need to keep reminding ourselves that we are people with needs as well.