After feeling that I shouldn’t entertain anyone ever again and thinking that I should cancel old friends visit next week for my 80th birthday, your thoughts have sustained me and I shall go ahead. I was actually looking forward to it until last night. He did get up and greet them but that’s all he could manage. I was so shocked by the figure he cut that I completely forgot that our neighbour’s 6 year old son came round with a bowl of hot pumpkin soup for him. When everyone had left he drank a cup without complaining. This little boy aroused more interest in my husband than anything else. He pointed to him to sit next to him, smiled and held out his hand to shake and subsided again when he left. Just shows you how you can screen out the good and concentrate on the bad. So letting out your worst feelings on TP does help and you get good advice and of course you are all right, I must keep life going however hard it is, otherwise I will get isolated. I have also reflected on the fact that the husband last night doesn’t really want to see my husband’s deterioration but his wife is trying to ‘educate’ him, he is very fearful of illness anyway and trying to keep old age at bay at 79, still playing tennis. Oh the complexity of people!
His sister has written to apologise for ‘the way you have been treated’ and is trying to maintain contact. I feel very conflicted about this but have sent a conciliatory message. I simply don’t want to talk to her any more, what purpose would it serve unless she reconsiders her decision not to see her brother again? I guess that what I am trying to say in all this is that I am tired of having to facilitate everything, tired of always being grateful, I can barely keep us going without having to take care of everybody else’s needs, which is what it feels like at times. Everyone wants to help but they can’t do that unless I organise it and I am so tired emotionally and psychologically, even though I am physically well.
I also had a care management issue yesterday morning which brought me close to tears so I feel as if I am educating the care people as well. I did that in my working life in the NHS and seem to have picked up where I left off. The ladies are lovely and caring but the management is poor so they are not supported as they should be. The manager is coming to see me today to discuss it and she seems willing. It’s the same old story, illness, holidays, juggling staff and poor communications even in this day of smart phones. The staff all have to sign in and out on their phones but can’t be given basic information to help them in their work. Fond thoughts everyone.
Oh dear, this does sound like a big whinge, but I think you can here