Sugar in her coffee

silver'lantern

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Apr 23, 2019
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dont put yourself down @Bikerbeth they are doing it differently to you, not better than ...there is no better as such its just a different stage and different needs. its adapting to her needs now and why it needs a team and working together. its to much for one. enjoy your time away re charge and look at it all again in a new light.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
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Bedford
Waiting to hear from brother regarding his conversation over the phone with Mum. Otherwise forgetting about it for this weekend and if the weather stays good I will be out on my motorbike
 

Bikerbeth

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Feb 11, 2019
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Bedford
So brother has had several conversations with Mum and backed me all the way. She is adamant that she will talk to him about the situation at Aunt’s funeral. Brother said he will not as they will both be too upset. Mum still saying she wants to go back to her bungalow so she can see her friends. He mentioned that she cannot use cooker, microwave etc and she said she would live on cold food and then she said she had been taught to use them again. Just parts of conversation. He says to me he just wants Mum to be happy. I just don’t think he quite gets it all yet. Sent him a link to a short informative Teepa Snow clip. He has volunteered to have Mum from 20th Dec to 26th Dec so that could be interesting. I have also spent a few hours going back through Teepa Snow clips regarding positive visits so I can try and get back on track with Mum tomorrow
 

Sirena

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Feb 27, 2018
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So pleased to hear your brother is backing you, that is really important. It is really common for people in a CH to want to go home because they cannot accept their lack of basic life skills or the risks they face. But mainly 'going home' is a wish for things to be like they were pre-dementia - "if only I were at home, everything would be alright". But of course things wouldn't be alright and in fact she may not even recognise her bungalow if she went back.

When your brother is looking after her for a week he will get to see how much things have deteriorated. As you say, he doesn't seem to have grasped that it probably isn't possible to make your mother happy at this stage of the illness. The important thing is that she's safe, if she can also be content that would be a plus.

Good luck with the visit. Put your game face on, staple on a smile, try to divert any negativity, emphasise how lovely everything is. Hopefully she will be a good frame of mind but if your presence prompts the idea that 'this is all your fault' and she gets angry, be prepared to leave.
 

Bikerbeth

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Feb 11, 2019
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Bedford
@Sirena i have only just seen your post Thank you. You are so right the wanting to go home is because she wants to go back to the pre dementia stage. She was very aware of her diagnosis a few weeks ago but has lost that knowledge now.
Brother after talking to care home manager has decided it is not a good idea for Mum to go up to him for Christmas. Maybe particularly as they said they were now having to do some personal care with Mum. I knew it but he had to find out and decide for himself so that actually helps me. Personally I will decide about Christmas closer to the day in consultation with staff.
Today went well with Mum as far as she seemed to remember something had happened but she wanted us to be friends again, if for no other reason that I might agree to take her home. However having done the ‘learning’ (hopefully) we are using the strategy that OH is researching options and also looking for someone to mend her leaking window and he will let her know when he has the info. I can’t do it as I am too busy job hunting. We are hoping this will work for a good while yet. OH will only mention it to her if she asks. However she is very confused as she believes her bungalow is sold, empty or being rented by students (very specific about that one) yet the next minute asking OH how much she would get for it if it was sold because then she can go and rent somewhere to live. She is also saying that she will commit suicide if she has to stay there, the staff have stolen her glasses and money (and when I found them in her handbag they must have put them back because I was there) they force feed the other residents (some of the other residents on her floor need assistance) and the list went on. I managed to do a lot of ‘I’m sorry you feel like that’, umh’s, oh dear and ‘shall we go out for a walk’. So a successful day in being able to see her again. I just need to keep remembering she has moved on a stage and different approaches are now needed.
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
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Nottinghamshire
I’m glad you mr mum isn’t going to your brothers. Six days seemed like far too long to be away from her new routine. Your mum sounds so much like mine in the things she says. It is pointless to argue so I just change the subject.
At the moment we are taking mum out for a meal sometime over the holiday but when depends on husbands work schedule and my sister in laws plans. Other than that mum will be enjoying all the stuff the home will have on. I’ll call in, but can’t actually go between Christmas Eve and Boxing Day as I’m off to help look after my mother in law.
 

Sirena

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Feb 27, 2018
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As you say, it's difficult when your PWD moves on to a new stage and you realise they cannot do/understand something they did months or even weeks ago. But it sounds like you are doing a sterling job of dealing with it.

I am glad your brother is taking the CH's advice about Christmas. Now he knows she needs personal care he will begin to see the extent of the issues.

My friend had xmas lunch with her mother in the CH (not something I would ever volunteer for). Last Christmas was my mother's first in the CH and I visited on Christmas Eve. She had no idea it was Christmas and couldn't open her presents, I had to open them for her. The highlight of the visit was a lovely resident who 'knows' us and is a bit more compos mentis, coming over to wish us happy Christmas. I doubt my mother was even aware Christmas happened.
 

Bikerbeth

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Feb 11, 2019
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Bedford
@Sarasa @Sirena
I was just thinking after you posted your replies. Prior to Mum’s diagnosis my brother and I had not spoken for 18 years. Mum always wanted us to ‘make up’ . I don’t think we will ever be friends again but if we can at least ‘work’ together as far as Mum goes then life will be better for all 3 of us.
 

Palerider

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Aug 9, 2015
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So brother has had several conversations with Mum and backed me all the way. She is adamant that she will talk to him about the situation at Aunt’s funeral. Brother said he will not as they will both be too upset. Mum still saying she wants to go back to her bungalow so she can see her friends. He mentioned that she cannot use cooker, microwave etc and she said she would live on cold food and then she said she had been taught to use them again. Just parts of conversation. He says to me he just wants Mum to be happy. I just don’t think he quite gets it all yet. Sent him a link to a short informative Teepa Snow clip. He has volunteered to have Mum from 20th Dec to 26th Dec so that could be interesting. I have also spent a few hours going back through Teepa Snow clips regarding positive visits so I can try and get back on track with Mum tomorrow

Hope things are improving @Bikerbeth. I picked up on your comment about Teepa Snow and watched some of her work -brilliant stuff btw. Should have watched these a long time ago, they're very helpful. Just want to say at least you have some dialogue with you brother, mine hasn't bothered to call me or see me since mum went into care, and reckon he probably won't now -but its for the best, he's a constant let down and pain in the neck
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
7,195
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Nottinghamshire
@Bikerbeth, my brother and I never fell out as such but we had years where we didn't see much of each other. Since he and my sister in law moved to a largish house a few years back she has made sure we do more stuff as a family, hence Christmases together that we didn't have in previous years for the last few. Since he's been ill in hospital I've actually had more time to really chat to him and that is all to the good. Hopefully he'll be out early in the new year and may be able to get to see mum.
Mum was always far more keen on him than me, she once mucked up my Christmas plans by announcing at the last moment she'd had an invite from him so wouldn't be coming to me after all. However since she's been in the home she seems to have forgotten all about him, which I'm very grateful for.
As for excuses about 'going home'. Mum knew her flat was under offer, and she'd been told she was moving near me till a place she'd seen near my brother was ready. I just fudged what sort of place it was. We also said (which was true) that there was work going on in her block of flats which might disturb her. Shortly afterwards she got it into her head that the flat had been sold, and I went along with that, even though it hadn't been at the time. That didn't stop her waving her keys about (old ones I'd substituted for the real ones) and saying she was going back and asking the new owners to leave! She has never blamed me for being in the home, but instead said it was all the fault of my nasty boyfriend. I don't have one of those, and what was odder in her mind he was identified with my long dead uncle.
Hope you find a routine for visiting that suits you both soon. {{{hugs}}}
 
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Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,119
0
Bedford
Hi Help pls
@Sirena
Just had a phone call from a social worker who is going to carry out a Dols assessment on Friday. Could you give me any advise or what I can expect. Sorry I have done some searches on the forums quickly now and I feel I am being lazy but for the 1st time in ages me and OH are going away overnight to get away from it all and I really don’t want to spoil it. Guess like a lot of people I am worried that Mum will pull it together and insist on going home convincingly. Thanks
 

Sarasa

Volunteer Host
Apr 13, 2018
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Nottinghamshire
I was really worried when they carried out the DOLs assessment for mum as she seemed to me to be able to put on a convincing front to those that didn't know her at the time. It all went well though and DOLs was granted. I still, five months later, haven't had all the paperwork about it, though the social worker did phone to discuss it with me.
Go and have a lovely night away, such things are vital.
 

Sirena

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Feb 27, 2018
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Glad to see @Sarasa has answered, I hope that puts your mind at rest. I'm afraid I can't add anything, because my mother still hasn't had her DoLS. There's a backlog at SS's end, and I assume she isn't a priority as she never asks to go home.

Have a good night away and try not to worry.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,119
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Bedford
Hope things are improving @Bikerbeth. I picked up on your comment about Teepa Snow and watched some of her work -brilliant stuff btw. Should have watched these a long time ago, they're very helpful. Just want to say at least you have some dialogue with you brother, mine hasn't bothered to call me or see me since mum went into care, and reckon he probably won’t now -but its for the best, he's a constant let down and pain in the neck
Yes I wished I had watched them when they were first suggested to me. I should of being doing other things but ended up watching the ones on positive visits with a few cups of coffee and a tin of biscuits.
Family can be strange. It did upset me that brother only saw Mum once a year after she was widowed in 2001 but at least he appears to be rallying around now. I think if he was going to constantly let me down as yours does I would not want him around either
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,119
0
Bedford
Thanks @Sarasa for the info. @Sirena apologies I knew one if you had experience and got confused.
We did indeed have a lovely evening with an early meal in an Italian and then went to see the ukulele orchestra of Great Britain. Never would have considered it but some friends suggested they were worth seeing and they were excellent as well as being amusing.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,119
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Bedford
So rang CH tonight to see how Mum was. Carer said Mum had told her that her Dad was going to be visiting her today, her Great Aunt had died and she was worried she would miss the funeral and that Prince Andrew had been sacked from the Royal Family :D
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
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0
Your mum's still in touch with some parts of real life then! :D

I saw the ukulele orchestra on TV a while ago and thought they were brilliant.
 

Bikerbeth

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Feb 11, 2019
2,119
0
Bedford
Well an interesting visit today. I did manage to work out that when she says her ‘dad’ she means my brother. She has decided what she wants to wear for her sisters funeral. I just need to take items out of her room again and get them washed. I think it reassured her that she had not missed the funeral (we also put a calendar countdown in her room) Social worker came in to do the DoLS assessment- I had told Mum I had to pop out whilst she had her lunch and this gave me a chance to chat to SW) when she went to Mum, mum went into an uncooperative mood and would not interactive and kept asking if we could go for her walk. However Mum did say some things towards the end and maybe a good thing is SW is saying that the CH has to put a daily walk outside of the home whenever feasible into her care plan. Mum and me then headed off for a walk and after 2.2 miles we ended back at the CH. pretty good for 90. I then got told a psychiatrist was also coming. When he certainly lacked people skills- he stood looking down at Mum firing off questions. Mum got her date of birth right but then could not remember what year it was now, as more questions were asked she kept looking at me more and more desperately as she knew she was getting more answers wrong. He left and Mum just started crying and said ‘I am never going to get out of here now’. We had hugs and I tried to reassure her that all would be good given a bit more time. (I have a very loose definition of good in my head). Ice cream at tea time did help a little. So my 3 hr planned visit turned into 9 hrs but my diet went well as I had a bag of crisps and a small portion of trifle all day and didn’t feel like eating when I got home
 

jugglingmum

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Jan 5, 2014
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Chester
I'm sorry you were there so long.

Sounds good that a walk is in your mum's care plan.

your comments on Prince Andrew reminded me of when my mum told me the first ambulance to come and take her to hospital broke down and she sat in her room and watched the tow truck take it away - I didn't believe her, but checked with carers once she returned to sheltered extra care 4 weeks later and she was right, it had happened. Mind you the next thing was she was insisting I bought her a purple cardigan, as the queen was going to die and you had to wear purple ot mourn royalty.
 

Bikerbeth

Registered User
Feb 11, 2019
2,119
0
Bedford
I'm sorry you were there so long.

Sounds good that a walk is in your mum's care plan.

your comments on Prince Andrew reminded me of when my mum told me the first ambulance to come and take her to hospital broke down and she sat in her room and watched the tow truck take it away - I didn't believe her, but checked with carers once she returned to sheltered extra care 4 weeks later and she was right, it had happened. Mind you the next thing was she was insisting I bought her a purple cardigan, as the queen was going to die and you had to wear purple ot mourn royalty.
I guess in some ways I am glad I was there a lot longer than i initially intended as in many ways it was a good day with Mum when it was just the 2 of us interacting.
It does get harder to know what is the truth and what is made up sometimes. Did your Mum get her purple cardigan? !!