Sugar in her coffee

[Sirena]

It sounds as if she just needs to be taken to the other part of the CH where she can socialise more? But please don't think you have to make it perfect for her - that won't happen and she will sometimes feel bored, that's inevitable.

As you say, she'd be equally bored at home and she'd also be at risk. The boredom is part of the illness, she can't occupy herself, and however good the care home they won't always be able to occupy her. Presumably when the environment becomes familiar she can potter around there too? My mother doesn't sit for long, she wanders around seeing what other people are doing, and goes in to the office to chat to the admin staff or the cleaners, she doesn't wait to be invited. I understand why you're taking her out, but it may be counterproductive as she needs time to find her own routine in the CH.

Good luck with the meeting on Monday.

 

[Sarasa]

I can understand why you’re annoyed. My mum sounds further along than yours but is still more mobile and has more language than a lot of people on her floor. There is lots going on and they do try and involve mum but it doesn’t always work out and I can see she is a bit bored. Mum has limited eyesight so can’t read or do puzzles and she was never one for crafts, but are these the sort of things you’”rmum might enjoy doing when there are no activities on?
I’d be wary of taking her out too much as she’ll find it more difficult to settle. It’s worth chatting to the manager but I’d cut them a bit of slack too.
I was chatting to a friend whose late mum was in a care home and she asked me if I was happy with mums place. I said 80% happy and she reckoned that was about as good as it got.

 

[TNJJ]

So angry. I know insignificant compared to the issues that others have or have had but when Mum is self funding I do expect them to do at least what they said they would do.
Thursday was such a good happy day for Mum full of activities and chatting. Yesterday one of the staff members took her for a walk outside after she said she was bored. However from lunch onwards she was left with the other 3 people on the dementia floor in the lounge. They mainly sleep so no conversation for Mum. I was told Mum would go to the standard residential areas for lunch and could sit and chat in their lounges if she wanted to. No activities yesterday or today. Arrived this morning, carer sat at her desk whilst Mum was sat in the dining room on her own. Carer could have chatted to Mum through the doorway but she was sat on her mobile texting. The other residents on her floor apparently sleep until gone 9am and have breakfast in their rooms. Mum was up at 7.30 and I had told the staff that Mum was on early riser. Took Mum out for some of the day returning at 3pm. Told staff Mum was bored inside the home and did they have any little jobs that Mum could help with (I had been told this was possible when we visited ) but staff member said residents were not allowed to without close supervision and they were short staffed. I was also told that people with dementia sleep a lot!
I will bring Mum to my house tomorrow for Sunday lunch as I now feel I have to stop her getting bored - as she said to me ‘at least I can potter around at home’. I feel like I have worked so hard to say that in this place she would have things to do and people to chat to. I know Mum got bored in her own home (despite her telling me she had lots to do at her own house) but I expected more than this.
Very disappointed, very frustrated and will be seeing the Manager on Monday.

Hi.Dad has just gone into respite for 2weeks .They have activities 5days a week but none at weekends.But I don’t consider it a problem as it gives some chance of a breather.
But it also gives the residents a chance to catch up with each other and family.
Dad cannot walk so he cannot go anywhere but he seems to be relaxing
Dad gets bored at home through lack of stimulation but that is part of the illness which will never change..Dad has VD.
I’m sorry you are upset but im not sure what you can do to prevent your mum getting bored.

 

[Bikerbeth]

Thank you for your replies I have calmed down now and you all made me stop and think.
@Sirena yes I did just want them to take Mum to the other part of the CH where she could socialise more even if it was just meal times (as the Manager has agreed)
I guess I was not aware that boredom was part of the illness I just thought it was Mum as she had been so active but now I understand - thank you
@Sarasa yes I will cut the home some slack now I am calmer
@TNJJ. Thank you too I know Mum will get bored and cannot be entertained all the time. I just need to manage her expectations by knowing the facts myself if you see what I mean. Glad to hear your Dad has relaxed in his CH and I hope that is giving you a deserved break.
My conversation will be on the lines that CH promised activities so could they let me know the programme as but none happened on Fri/Sat/Sun; I was told Mum would have her lunch in the main dining room as an opportunity to socialise but this did not happen Fri and weekend staff knew nothing about this ; that I was told she could help out eg folding table cloths and yet the carer yesterday said No to this. However I spoke to a Nurse on duty this evening and she said that ‘helping ‘ like this should not be an issue and she would have a chat with the staff upstairs. So maybe it is just communication issues.

 

[Bikerbeth]

So I did bring Mum to my house for Sunday lunch and we did have a mix of conversations ranging from the ‘I’m bored at the CH -when do I have to tell them whether I am staying or going’ to the ‘how much will I get for my house if I sell it’
I guess there is still a part of Mum that knows the reality of her situation

 

[jugglingmum]

I said 80% happy and she reckoned that was about as good as it got.

I've been following your thread, but been busy with life and not commented (too long a comment to type on my phone).

I'm so pleased you got mum there, and that all went well with telling her about her sister.

I've highlighted Sarasa's post as I'm not sure we get perfection in our lives but we want it for our PWD, not sure if this is more so for our parents.

We all have to do things in life that aren't perfectly what we want to do but we know that is part of life. I was guilty of wanting to make mum's life perfect and happy, I very quickly realised that I couldn't for several reasons, partly the way mum is and her dementia, partly I was trying to make her my version of happy, eg a tidy flat and in my case partly my kids come first, and pre dementia mum would have wanted that. Even post dementia in her flat for a long time she was aware how much I was running around and wanted me to be with my kids and not her.

'Good enough' is probably where all of us are with our house choice, job etc - unless we win the lottery we can't change things.

(I sort of put these thought's together after reading @Sarasa's six month thread but didn't get round to posting - I hope they make sense)

 

[TNJJ]

Thank you for your replies I have calmed down now and you all made me stop and think.
@Sirena yes I did just want them to take Mum to the other part of the CH where she could socialise more even if it was just meal times (as the Manager has agreed)
I guess I was not aware that boredom was part of the illness I just thought it was Mum as she had been so active but now I understand - thank you
@Sarasa yes I will cut the home some slack now I am calmer
@TNJJ. Thank you too I know Mum will get bored and cannot be entertained all the time. I just need to manage her expectations by knowing the facts myself if you see what I mean. Glad to hear your Dad has relaxed in his CH and I hope that is giving you a deserved break.
My conversation will be on the lines that CH promised activities so could they let me know the programme as but none happened on Fri/Sat/Sun; I was told Mum would have her lunch in the main dining room as an opportunity to socialise but this did not happen Fri and weekend staff knew nothing about this ; that I was told she could help out eg folding table cloths and yet the carer yesterday said No to this. However I spoke to a Nurse on duty this evening and she said that ‘helping ‘ like this should not be an issue and she would have a chat with the staff upstairs. So maybe it is just communication issues.

Hi.At dads home they have an activities board so family and some residents can see what is going on..Do they not have one?Or do they do it in a leaflet version?
At the home the carers have “mobiles” which are computerised and the residents day is on them ,Plus the background. Everything has to be recorded what the resident does that day..
But I digress.I went to the deputy manager and said about things that I wished for dad.That was put on his profile. Could you go to the manager and make sure your wishes are written up and put on computer or on handover?..
Some PWD are given jobs in homes,folding napkins,laying tables.But this will only keep them entertained for a while especially if they have a short attention span..Does this help??

 

[Bikerbeth]

I've been following your thread, but been busy with life and not commented (too long a comment to type on my phone).

I'm so pleased you got mum there, and that all went well with telling her about her sister.

I've highlighted Sarasa's post as I'm not sure we get perfection in our lives but we want it for our PWD, not sure if this is more so for our parents.

We all have to do things in life that aren't perfectly what we want to do but we know that is part of life. I was guilty of wanting to make mum's life perfect and happy, I very quickly realised that I couldn't for several reasons, partly the way mum is and her dementia, partly I was trying to make her my version of happy, eg a tidy flat and in my case partly my kids come first, and pre dementia mum would have wanted that. Even post dementia in her flat for a long time she was aware how much I was running around and wanted me to be with my kids and not her.

'Good enough' is probably where all of us are with our house choice, job etc - unless we win the lottery we can't change things.

(I sort of put these thought's together after reading @Sarasa's six month thread but didn't get round to posting - I hope they make sense)

Yes they do make sense Thank you. I was just reading another post on the forum which also followed the same line of thought - that even if we found the most perfect CH our PWD would still have an issue. The nurse did wonder if Mum was ‘playing’ me a little. When I told OH he agreed with nurse but did not want to say so

 

[Bikerbeth]

Hi.At dads home they have an activities board so family and some residents can see what is going on..Do they not have one?Or do they do it in a leaflet version?
At the home the carers have “mobiles” which are computerised and the residents day is on them ,Plus the background. Everything has to be recorded what the resident does that day..
But I digress.I went to the deputy manager and said about things that I wished for dad.That was put on his profile. Could you go to the manager and make sure your wishes are written up and put on computer or on handover?..
Some PWD are given jobs in homes,folding napkins,laying tables.But this will only keep them entertained for a while especially if they have a short attention span..Does this help??

The CH is still new and although they have an activities board on the floor is was not updated. ( a point I was going to mention)
I did not realise about the records - I had mentioned about Mum’s care plan but they were still doing it. I guess if it was not fully finished that may also explain things.

yes thank you all the comments have been helpful.
If nothing else I won’t rush in to the Manager both guns blazing and make a numpty out of myself

 

[TNJJ]

Yes they do make sense Thank you. I was just reading another post on the forum which also followed the same line of thought - that even if we found the most perfect CH our PWD would still have an issue. The nurse did wonder if Mum was ‘playing’ me a little. When I told OH he agreed with nurse but did not want to say so

They can..Dad

The CH is still new and although they have an activities board on the floor is was not updated. ( a point I was going to mention)
I did not realise about the records - I had mentioned about Mum’s care plan but they were still doing it. I guess if it was not fully finished that may also explain things.

yes thank you all the comments have been helpful.
If nothing else I won’t rush in to the Manager both guns blazing and make a numpty out of myself

 

[Sarasa]

Glad things are better @Bikerbeth, but still worth having a chat with the manager.
I was wondering if it might be possible for your mum to move to a room in the 'non-dementia' area? In my mum's home one of the principle differences between the floor where mum is and the other floors is that there are more staff on mum's floor as a lot of residents need help with personal care etc. on They also need someone to escort them to the other parts of the building whereas other residents can move around, go out if they please etc. The reason being that mum and the other people on her floor would get lost, either in the building or outside if they had that freedom. It is one of the thing that makes mum unhappy, she's always by the lifts working out how to escape. If she did manage it she's be lost in seconds. She thinks the coffee bar on the ground floor of the home is somewhere else and hasn't a clue where she is now living. She'd have the physical ability to get on a bus, which she would assume would 'take her home' too. However mum, certainly when she moved in six months ago, might have benefitted from having meals with people who were a bit more capable of social interaction than the people on her floor, but now I think she's on the right floor. All that was a very long-winded way of saying if you think your mum is fine with her own personal care and is aware enough to not want to wander away from the building, or even better, aware enough to get to the local shops and cafes on her own and return without prompting, maybe see if a room change, at least on a temporary basis is possible.
Anyway I'd give the home a fair trial, but keep your mum's name on the other waiting lists just in case you are still not happy in a month's time.

 

[Sirena]

Just on the boredom issue - part of the issue is that whatever activities a PWD is given, whether it's an organised sing-song or folding tablecloths, within a few minutes of an activity stopping they may well say they are bored again. PWDs live in 'now'. However enjoyable and stimulating an activity was, it's gone. So boredom can become a constant theme.

When my mother was at home she had 5-6 hours of one-to-one carer time every day - they took her to the shops, to the park, chatted to her and kept her company. She was really lucky as most PWDs don't have that kind of quality time. But however much time she got, as soon as they were gone, she was bored and anxious, all she knew was she was alone now. At least the 'anxious and alone' part of that has been solved in the care home because there is always someone there.

Your mother has only been there a few days but they will get to know her. If you do decide it isn't the right place for her, I know you have other care home options in mind. But see how this one goes, and don't expect a different care home to solve every issue, no care home is perfect.

 

[Bikerbeth]

Thank you both again @Sirena and @Sarasa for your helpful and informative replies.
Yesterday I decided to have a day for me and after having a quick phone call with Mum I went for a lovely long walk, did some clothes shopping which I usually hate then drove up to Mum’s house with OH. We had a lovely meal out. This morning we had a clean up and emptied fridge etc at Mum’s as appropriate as we did not have time before she left. I spoke to one of team this afternoon at the home who said yesterday Mum had gone for a walk with one of the Carers in the morning and then spent quite a bit of the afternoon with another resident ‘downstairs’ chatting away. This morning she had chatted to one of the ‘admin ladies’ in the cafe downstairs and then they had done some painting.
They then put me on to Mum as she had tried to contact me earlier. Asking if she had had a nice day I got told ‘I want to go home - I hate it here’. I asked her calmly ‘why’ as we might be able to change things. She told me she had to get up a 6am for her tablets but then they made her wait until 8am and then she wanted to go to bed at 7pm and they made her stay awake until 11pm before she could have them. No problem said I - we can get them changed to times to suit you (the home give the tablets 8am and 8pm which is the same near enough as she had at home). So then she started on that the food was horrible but she couldn’t tell me what exactly was wrong with it. So she said she had to go home as she hated it there and we should discuss it tomorrow. I have eaten there twice and the food is fine.
Interesting that she has changed from the I’m bored repetition. I rang up and spoke to one of the senior Carers and she is going to get the Manager to ring me in the morning to give me some advise on how I should ‘discuss’ with Mum in the afternoon and then based on that and that Mum has capacity, me and Mum then meet with the Manager to discuss her issues on Thursday. Interesting that the carer said she and Mum had had a chat this morning about cycling for over 30 mins before the other residents on the floor work up. She was also going to go through Mum’s records to see if she was leaving a lot of her food. I will also check her biscuit stash!
I think I may be being manipulated and although I think there are things the Care Home can do I am glad now that thanks to people on TP I did not go rushing in on Monday. So much to learn and keep learning as the boundaries change

 

[Sirena]

As you say, the goalposts keep moving - solve one problem, here's another! I think she is probably just unsettled at the change and the complaints are an effort to maintain control, but the CH sound happy to alter things to help (within reason). I am sure they will have seen this before!

I have heard other members say their PWD complains endlessly about everything and claims they never participate in activities - yet photographs appear of them enthusiastically joining in! It is also fairly common for the PWD to be perfectly content except for when a relative turns up, at which point they unleash a torrent of complaints. So definitely worth talking to staff to find out how she really is, and what she's been doing.

It's possible your mother isn't deliberately manipulating you, although I wouldn't discount it. My friend's father was in a dementia CH and was very manipulative, she had to stop telling him if she was going away as he would suddenly 'have a fall' to try to stop her going.

Good luck!

 

[Bikerbeth]

Thank you again.

 

[Bikerbeth]

She told me she hated me tonight. She told OH that I called her a dirty cow and had thrown things at her.

 

[silver'lantern]

this disease is so cruel and it often seems to be the ones that have cared the most that get the brunt of it all. its not mum talking its dementia. as much as it hurts to hear her say these things dont ever think she means it at you personally. its her mixed up mind playing tricks.
have a few days break and recharge. no one can criticise you for all you have done. and all been for the best for mum. now time for a step back and do best for you.

 

[Bikerbeth]

Thank you @silver'lantern and I am indeed going to take a step back.
Yesterday evening did not go well at all. My friend had brought Mum a ticket to the ballet for her birthday a few months ago. I had told Mum I would be there about 4.30pm to collect her as their was also a birthday party going on in the home which Mum was going to. However when I arrived she said she had expected me at 10am as promised and that I had said we were going shopping, having lunch etc before the ballet in the evening. I think she had mixed up some conversations. She then went into the loop of wanting to go home as food awful, they were incompetent with medicines and she was bored. Unfortunately she then said she wanted to know honestly why she could not go home. I unfortunately told her - not safe, unable to do this, that etc. She asked why she had not been told before. I said she had. I know all wrong and hindsight is wonderful. In the car to collect friend she started going on that I was horrible and wicked saying these things. Watched ballet but at the end she refused to go back in the car with me. Fortunately OH had taken his car and took her home.
Today OH and Care Home manager had a long chat with Mum to ‘make life better in the home for her’. I leave it to them. OH also told Mum that as I was upsetting her he would ensure I did not visit her again until she wanted to see me. Looking at the whole picture Including conversations with staff and my brother it appears that she only makes the complaints to me. She did not see him when he first arrived and was happily chatting away to the other folk on her floor. He also left her tucking into her lunch.
I think as Mum is safe and comfortable I will step back for awhile and i can try and work out how we get a relationship back in the future. It still hurts though even when it was never the closest relationship.

 

[Sarasa]

@Bikerbeth I feel for you. Mum and I had a good relationship until dementia got in the way and now I find visiting her very tricky. I'm sure she isn't happy quite often when I'm not there, but seeing me seems to make it worse as she often assumes I've come to take her away. She has no understanding of why she is in a home, and trying to explain is useless as she just denies she needs any help.
I think not visiting for a while would be a good thing for you, specially if your brother can get there. My brother is seriously ill, so I'm the only family member who can go to see her.

 

[Bikerbeth]

@Bikerbeth I feel for you. Mum and I had a good relationship until dementia got in the way and now I find visiting her very tricky. I'm sure she isn't happy quite often when I'm not there, but seeing me seems to make it worse as she often assumes I've come to take her away. She has no understanding of why she is in a home, and trying to explain is useless as she just denies she needs any help.
I think not visiting for a while would be a good thing for you, specially if your brother can get there. My brother is seriously ill, so I'm the only family member who can go to see her.

Unfortunately brother is 300 miles away but unknown to me has been ringing her most days. Fortunately OH has said he will go in every 3 or 4 days. Again on Care Home’s recommendation to see if she will settle. I also have a friend that volunteers with a local Dementia charity and who Mum has met a few times has said she will pop in and take her out for a walk. We get the impression that Mum needs this walk outside to confirm she is not locked in although she is always with someone. Despite my anger before to give the home their due they are willing to make changes to try and help and probably doing it better than me.