An extract from my diary, written tonight - which someday I will read back to myself and cringe:
Well we had a real humdinger again today. It started at around 6pm and finished at 10.20pm. She would not let go of wanting to go home, wanting to call “her husband” to collect her from “this place” “Why am I holding her hostage” and “am I going to throw her out onto the street” etc etc
I lost it big time. I shouted and bawled at her. We had banging doors. I had a major headache. She just would not give in until eventually she got into bed and fell asleep. I really really hate myself for the person that I have become. I am ashamed to say that I resent her. All this **** about not being their fault is clearly written by someone who has not gone through the reality of the constant nightmare that is bloody Alzheimers. It may not be their fault and they may well have a brain failure - but they are the human being stood in front of you who you have loved for 30 years and now resent. They are the one who is saying these things. I am the one who has turned into a bloody horrible person. I am sleeping downstairs tonight - I can’t bring myself to lie down beside her, even though I know its not her fault and tomorrow she probably won’t remember what happened. I am so sick of this.
Tomorrow I will feel differently, I will gather my strength and then it will all start again. As long as I live I will never, ever, understand this.
I feel so down and just want to cry - but I CAN’T EVEN DO THAT
Sorry folks - clearly feeling sorry for myself and need to get over it
Well we had a real humdinger again today. It started at around 6pm and finished at 10.20pm. She would not let go of wanting to go home, wanting to call “her husband” to collect her from “this place” “Why am I holding her hostage” and “am I going to throw her out onto the street” etc etc
I lost it big time. I shouted and bawled at her. We had banging doors. I had a major headache. She just would not give in until eventually she got into bed and fell asleep. I really really hate myself for the person that I have become. I am ashamed to say that I resent her. All this **** about not being their fault is clearly written by someone who has not gone through the reality of the constant nightmare that is bloody Alzheimers. It may not be their fault and they may well have a brain failure - but they are the human being stood in front of you who you have loved for 30 years and now resent. They are the one who is saying these things. I am the one who has turned into a bloody horrible person. I am sleeping downstairs tonight - I can’t bring myself to lie down beside her, even though I know its not her fault and tomorrow she probably won’t remember what happened. I am so sick of this.
Tomorrow I will feel differently, I will gather my strength and then it will all start again. As long as I live I will never, ever, understand this.
I feel so down and just want to cry - but I CAN’T EVEN DO THAT
Sorry folks - clearly feeling sorry for myself and need to get over it