Feeling ok- less than a month since mum died.

garfield3

Registered User
Jun 30, 2018
417
0
Dear good people,

Hope you’re okay on this new journey and adjusting to a new life. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow since the funeral and 4 weeks at the weekend since mum’s death. What is really scary is that it has gone so quickly. I feel ok. Had a bit of a cry at the funeral but not much. I’m crazy busy at work, new job and the boss is a psycho ***** from hell with OCD. Never come across someone so bad. Been here 6 weeks and looking at resigning. Dont think i can hack it. That’s another story though. I’m worried about dad because he’s on his own now . He sounds lost when I spoke to him on Thursday. He used to visit mum ever other day. What I’m trying to say is that I’m bothered that I’m okay. Expecting to be kicked in the **** soon over it. Will the grief come out later?

Any ideas?

Thanks. Sue xx
 
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marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,449
0
Scotland
My husband died at roughly the same time and I’m coping too. Of course we are - that’s what we do. Missing someone or grieving doesn’t follow a pattern it will happen in its own way but life has to continue. My sister in law would like me to be sobbing and dramatic but I have banned her from discussing it with me. I do emotions my way and not for attention.

If you are working with a difficult boss I guess there is more than enough pressure on you at present.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,452
0
Kent
Will the grief come out later?

If it does, you'll deal with it I`m sure.

I found a sense of relief the suffering was over even though there was an emptiness. After a while the novelty wore off and I realised this loss was permanent. It came as a bit of a shock because I thought I was doing so well, but it`s life and has to be accepted.
 

mumsgone

Registered User
Dec 23, 2015
924
0
I would say that perhaps you are still in remote control mode and that grief hits different people in different ways. If one day you find yourself in floods of tears over something that may seem trivial let the tears flow it's your bodies coping mechanism. just look after yourselves and do whatever you feel you need to take care xx
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,865
0
Yorkshire
You may just be a person that finds it hard to shed tears. I have never actually cried for my Mum, who died two years ago now. In the aftermath, I had the funeral, the interment of the ashes, and the execution of her will - before that, when she was alive, I had to sell her house and get her into care - and I have five brothers and sisters, one of them hostile & critical, to deal with. So of course I held it together - it was my duty to do so.

Naturally, you are having to cope because of your work situation and also because you have to be strong for your Dad. It is a coping mechanism, and completely natural. .

What I'm saying is, I still miss Mum terribly and feel very sad, but it hit me later, and never in an overt display or in tears. The same may well happen to you, but don't feel guilty because you are not overwhelmed - it doesn't change the fact that you loved your Mum and did your best for her.

Let yourself feel what you feel - very best wishes for your difficult situation. xx
 

Daffy123

Registered User
Feb 1, 2018
53
0
It's a little over five weeks for me. Struggling to adjust to the new reality. Some of the shock is beginning to pass. All I can do is take it day buy day, but keep going.
 

garfield3

Registered User
Jun 30, 2018
417
0
My husband died at roughly the same time and I’m coping too. Of course we are - that’s what we do. Missing someone or grieving doesn’t follow a pattern it will happen in its own way but life has to continue. My sister in law would like me to be sobbing and dramatic but I have banned her from discussing it with me. I do emotions my way and not for attention.

If you are working with a difficult boss I guess there is more than enough pressure on you at present.

Very true . Me too. Try very hard not to show serious emotion. So sorry to hear about your husband. Hang in there. Sending strength. Thanks for your reply.
 

garfield3

Registered User
Jun 30, 2018
417
0
It's a little over five weeks for me. Struggling to adjust to the new reality. Some of the shock is beginning to pass. All I can do is take it day buy day, but keep going.

Sorry Daffy 123 for your loss. Yes, day by day. What gets me is things have sort of stopped for us but life goes on . I know that's life but.... take care.xx
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,270
0
East Midlands
I think the first few weeks are very much auto pilot as there is a lot of stuff to do & then you actually start to think oh my mum died x amount of time ago. It’s just over 7 mths for me now. For me, things tend to happen in life that you no longer think the same way about.
when my dad died in 2000, it definitely brought on me splitting up with my partner at the time as I knew I wasn’t happy with him. It is kind of like your brain goes, life is too short not to be happy & then you go & do something about it!
The same thing happened after my mum died & I was in an awful relationship & somehow I found the strength to finish it & get into a happy place.
A death tends to magnify all that isn’t great in your life & reminds you that you have the power to change it! Xx
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
899
0
Hi @garfield3, I didn't cry at all even though I felt absolutely devastated when Mum passed, we were always very close and I gave up work to help her in last year, as she supported me when my partner passed away suddenly years earlier. I would say I just felt numb and hollow. What I do think is that bereavement following dementia is complicated and confusing. I cried many times in the rather traumatic 2 year period before Mum passed away, and all the awful things that we all witness caring for a loved one with dementia. It's 10 months since Mum passed and I still feel the loss terribly,I ended up going to bereavement counselling earlier this year (something I could never have envisaged) and it did help, but I think it just takes time. All the best. .
 

Daffy123

Registered User
Feb 1, 2018
53
0
Sorry Daffy 123 for your loss. Yes, day by day. What gets me is things have sort of stopped for us but life goes on . I know that's life but.... take care.xx
Yes, it feels like an upside down world. It’s going to take time to get used to this new reality.
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
3,274
0
@garfield3 it is possible that you have grieved throughout dementias process; but I expect something at some point will bring tears. It normally catches you unawares, at Christmas I’m emotionally charged anyway.

I didn’t cry at all after my Grandparents passed away, I had done my grieving as they faded away with dementia over the years. The relief that they were no longer suffering & at peace was a huge comfort & I felt relieved about that.

I have shed bucket loads of tears for all that Mum & Dad have lost through their dementia journey. How will I react when that finality comes, relief will play a big part but I know that my life will be mine again & I acknowledge that part of me.
Meanwhile I often cry at the strangest of things!

so perhaps I am working through the grieving process now as I’m finally at acceptance of dementia & the limitations of care available.
 

Highamred

New member
Jan 3, 2019
6
0
Hi @garfield3 I thought I would respond to your post as I am now going through the same process. We lost my father on Friday of this week (3 January 2020). He was officially diagnosed with cardio vascular dementia/alzheimer's two years ago however we believe that it had been going on for some time before this. Although his decline was rapid I do believe that I started grieving the loss of him at the very start. He wasn't the same person at all, almost like he had a personality transplant and I would often think 'where's my dad gone?' I think that with dementia it's almost a case of losing the person twice, once when they are diagnosed and then again when they pass away. I suppose in some strange sense this prepares us for when the inevitable does happen and in some ways it's a release not only for the person with dementia but for those that have witnessed their decline in health. I also believe that you have to take into account the length of time that you yourself have been in the cyclone of dementia, trying to cope with the constant changes that come with it, seeing your loved ones decline is a loss in itself and that is also something that you have to grieve. It really is about time, letting the healing process come and go, learning to lean into the grief without the fear of never being free of it. I know that one day I will start to move forward piece by piece but I also understand that there will be days where I will feel like I can't. I take comfort from knowing that my dad is now free and out of any pain or discomfort and that dementia is no longer ravaging him. Stay strong and be kind to yourself.
 

Shedrech

Registered User
Dec 15, 2012
12,649
0
UK
sad news @Highamred
I'm glad there's some comfort for you
I agree, we each need to take time with our grieving, there's no set timescale or way through
be kind to yourself too
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
3,274
0
Hi @garfield3 I thought I would respond to your post as I am now going through the same process. We lost my father on Friday of this week (3 January 2020). He was officially diagnosed with cardio vascular dementia/alzheimer's two years ago however we believe that it had been going on for some time before this. Although his decline was rapid I do believe that I started grieving the loss of him at the very start. He wasn't the same person at all, almost like he had a personality transplant and I would often think 'where's my dad gone?' I think that with dementia it's almost a case of losing the person twice, once when they are diagnosed and then again when they pass away. I suppose in some strange sense this prepares us for when the inevitable does happen and in some ways it's a release not only for the person with dementia but for those that have witnessed their decline in health. I also believe that you have to take into account the length of time that you yourself have been in the cyclone of dementia, trying to cope with the constant changes that come with it, seeing your loved ones decline is a loss in itself and that is also something that you have to grieve. It really is about time, letting the healing process come and go, learning to lean into the grief without the fear of never being free of it. I know that one day I will start to move forward piece by piece but I also understand that there will be days where I will feel like I can't. I take comfort from knowing that my dad is now free and out of any pain or discomfort and that dementia is no longer ravaging him. Stay strong and be kind to yourself.
I’m sorry for your loss, but understand the feeling of relief that your Dad is no longer in pain. I wish you & your family all love & light x