Dads poorly now

[DianeB]

Well I think with all the stress worry and upset, my Dad has now been told he has shingles. He had it about 8 years ago and was very poorly and I am praying it does not make him this poorly again. He did visit Mum on Tuesday, his Dr has said as long as he is covered up it is fine as he can't pass this on to anybody else, but that can't help me worrying. I feel I am between the devil and the deep blue sea here. Should Dad be going to see Mum?? I don't think he would be able to cope without seeing her but at the same time I am worried if he can pass this on himself not only to Mum but other residents.
Am I over reacting? I havn't said anything to Dad once he told me his Dr said it would be alright.
The other worry is, if Dad does become very ill with this, it will mean I will be doing the 58 mile round trip to care for him then go to see Mum as well as being the wife and mother here. Add that to the fact we have little Molly Louise in neo natal unit and now been told she has a problem with her heart.
Yesterday was a nightmare as we had to attend Crown Court, my son was attacked in June this year, he was smashed in his forehead with a glass jar and now has a 2" deep scar. The injury went down to the skull and we were told he was very lucky to be alive. He ended up with about 30 stitches internal and external, which had to be done by a maxi facial surgeon. So off we go leaving just after 7am, to arrive at court and be told 2 hours later that the date has been changed without so much as an explanation. This is one thing we all wanted to get out of the way, as its been a worrying time as my son has been intimidated into not attending.

So here I sit absolutely fed up. Mum is hardly eating and has not spoken more than 4 words in the last 3 days. She is also now incontinent on all scores.

I could scream.

 

[Skye]

Dear Diane

How much more are you expected to cope with? It amazes me that you and others on this forum are having to deal with so many family problems, as well are caring for their loved one with dementia. I don't know how you do it.

I hope it won't be long before your son's case comes up, it must be so worrying for you all.

And poor little Molly Louise, I hope they can repair the problem with her heart, it's so sad to see a tiny baby struggling like that.

As for your dad, I don't know whether he should be visiting or not. I'd have thought not, but I really don't know.

I don't know how you'll cope either if he becomes seriously ill. You can't possibly care for him as well as your mum and everyone else.

I haven't any answers for you, just lots of sympathy.

Love and hugs,

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Diane

I just want to offer sympathy for all you have on your plate just now. I can`t offer anything else, as there seems no way out for you, from all your dreadful worries.


The link below shows, although Shingles are not contagious, you could get chicken pox from someone with shingles if you have not had chicken pox before.

http://www.patient.co.uk/showdoc/23068820/

 

[julieann15]

Chickenpox

Just wanted to say that I caught chickenpox at the age of 29 and was very ill for 3 weeks(One of which I was in bed all the time)It may be prudent for your dad not to visit until after the shingles have gone as he may pass chickenpox on and make an already ill person more ill

Just my thoughts- remembering how poorly I was and I was a fit person catching chickenpox??

Julie xx

 

[Grannie G]

I do know childhood illnesses which have mild effects on children, can have much more severe effects on adults.
Mumps is one, Chicken Pox is another.

 

[Margarita]

I don't think he would be able to cope without seeing her but at the same time I am worried if he can pass this on himself not only to Mum but other residents.

Why not phone the care home , tell them what happen to your father ask for there advise .

I would of thought as long as your father does not touch the shingles with his hand before seeing your mother , the Shingles is covered up . It would not spread to other people .

I do know childhood illnesses which have mild effects on children, can have much more severe effects on adults.

Mumps is one, Chicken Pox is another.

yes those are the virus that can be passed in the air , chicken pox , Mumps in men also has effect of being Shingles in adults or dangers to pregnant woman.

So when Shingles has been pass on , it does not pass on to another person unless they touch the Shingles with there hands, don't wash there hands then touch another human .

 

[Helen33]

Dear Diane

I haven't any advice to offer but wanted to say that I am sorry that you are having to cope with so much. I think that because you are coping with so much, it is really important that you find little moments for yourself (even 10 minutes here and 10 minutes there of complete rest).

Love and best wishes

 

[Sam Iam]

Diane your are always kind and caring to other's yet you have so much to deal with xx
I wish you all you would wish for yourself and know that other's are thinking of you and wishing you well. xx

 

[Lynne]

Oh Diane

I just daren't ask "whatever next?" for fear of tempting fate! And all I can do is send you my love and the following:-

Shingles is a reactivation of the virus infection that causes chickenpox. After a person has had chickenpox the virus remains in their body, lying dormant or hidden in part of the nervous system. For some reason, often many years later, the virus travels back down one of the nerves to the skin, where it causes a rash in the area of skin supplied by that nerve.

The skin blisters that form in shingles are full of the chickenpox virus, which means a person with shingles is infectious. You can't catch shingles from someone with shingles (or someone with chickenpox), but you can catch chickenpox from someone with shingles if you've never had the infection and therefore aren't immune.

From the above, so long as Mum isn't in contact with the fluid from the shingles blisters, she should be OK.

 

[DianeB]

Thank you all for your replies. Grannie I had a look into that link and picked up the phone instantly to Dad. Although at first he seemed off hand he did calm down and agreed with us that it really isn't worth the risk at present. I have told him as soon as the sores are scabbed up he should be ok. So he said he will be fine as long as I go every day to see Mum. The only problem I have is we are going to Belgium for a long weekend next week (boy am I ready as well) so i am hoping they are healing by then. My daughter may be able to go for a couple of the days then anyway.
Mum still seems the same, no conversation, its like she is going mute, I keep thinking is it her hearing, as she has got poor hearing in one ear but then I know she can hear me but she is still doing the hand gestures, its like its too much effort for her to speak. Still no decent intake of food.

 

[Laylabud]

Thinking of you Diane, wishing your dad well take care

Laylabud XX

 

[Lanie]

Dear Diane

Sorry things are so bad for you and your family at present and hoping things improve for you all soon. In all this try to remember yourself and I hope you enjoy your long weekend in Belgium you definitely deserve it.

Thinking of you

Lanie

 

[DianeB]

Thanks honey. You know I just looked at the title of a message saying I can't cope anymore and I thought Thats just how I feel. I'm at breaking point now. Been out 2 days on the trot just trying to get all the xmas presents so I am not on a mad panic nearer to Xmas, and thats not helped my exhaustion level but at least 1/2 of it is now done. Got back home, rushed to see Mum got back and both Dads have rang which has taken me over 2 hrs on the phone, then son rang to say Molly has had to have her tubes put back in
Mum well shes still on mute mode, which makes visiting even more difficult than normal. She seems so weak and her left eyelid has now started to droop as well. The home have said they are worried about how Mum is being recently, and all I could say was your not the only ones.
Fed up with moaning as well now, might be better off just going to bed and seeing the back of my eye lids.

 

[Skye]

Dear Diane

Everything looks so black for you just now, and I'm not surprised you're exhausted.

I'm so sorry about baby Molly. We're all caring for people with dementia, but a sick baby is something else.

Try to be good to yourself, love. So many people are depending on you, and you need someone to look after you for a while. Could you p[ossibly have a complete day off tomorrow? I'm worried about you.

Love and hugs,

 

[DianeB]

Hi Hazel, I wish I could get a day off, but the pressure from Dad is immense. He said if I don't go he will get in the car to see Mum and I can't let him do this with feeling poorly himself and at present he could pose a small risk to others. Next weekend I have had to get my kids to promise they will go to see Nana, just to calm Dad down. Emotionally my two find it extremely upsetting visiting Nan like this and I truely understand this. Dad also rings the home every day to check to see if I have been so it isn't like I could tell him I have gone, when I havn't.
I was up at 5am, with yet again the same reoccuring nightmare, only this morning I can now make heads and tails of the nightmare. I am trapped in a maze of stainless steel doors, they all lead to halls which are decoarated with nice fittings and lush carpets, and chandeliers, but each time I end up in a hall I have vampires chasing me. I know this sounds silly but as I sit here cococa in one hand fag in the other I thought to myself I know why, I am trapped and trying to escape this crazy world only to be found again by emotional vampires trying to suck every last drop of what i have left out of my body ... now the question is when am I going to get the dream where it shows me the escape route. The lush halls to me represent a false niceness.
Hubby is trying his best to support me, but its difficult as his job is very stressful, plus he is out the house for over 13 hrs a day and when he gets home once he has had dinner he is in ZZZZZZ land. My dearest friend keeps saying wait till next weekend, when we can all chill, and trying to help me by organising time together, but then thats also taking time off me when I need to get stuff done around here too.

Am I cracking up?

 

[Skye]

Am I cracking up?

Dear Diane, I hope not! It's something you have to try to avoid at all costs.

Your nightmare makes perfect sense. Your dad is still buuying you, and he really doesn't have the right.

Please try to take every advantage of your time off, and let your friend pamper you. Good friends are worth their weight in gold when you're under so much pressure.

Take care,

Love,

 

[Christinec]

Hi Diane,
Take care of yourself. You have been a wonderful support to your parents but my feeling is that at some point many of us "sandwich generation" need to step back a little and evaluate the situation from another viewpoint. Does your Dad have the right to tell you how to behave? Is he responsible for his behaviour or is he making you responsible? Other people also need your support and concern and they need not to worry about you.

I know that this can all be perceived as being selfish but after years and years of my fathers bullying and demanding behavior which has been a blight on my life I have had to completely remove myself.He probably cannot help it but the response answer is I cannot help how I respond to it. Last year particularly after my Mum was taken in to care for her safety I tried to make everything right for him - I cannot do it so now I have given up completely and have no contact with him. Not the good solution I would have wanted and one best avoided but I think you need to stand back a bit and look at what you can do realistically given the situations and personalities you are faced with. Ours was never the happy family.

On a more practical front - has the home said your dad cannot visit? They may be able to tell him in a way he will accept and it stops you being the baddy and therefor responsible for visiting. Should they be telling him who has visited each day when he phones.

You have a lot to deal with regarding your parents but remember this is only a part of your life.
Your own health has to come first or you can help no one.

 

[Margaret W]

Hi Diane I hope you are not cracking up, but you have an incredible burden on your shoulders. You must be one strong and admirable lady for coping with all this. You will have to be firm with Dad and tell him that for the next couple of weeks mum cannot be visited every day. Believe me, very few people are in the position to be able to visit their mums or whovever every day. Once a week is about normal, twice is very good, every other day is fantastic. Be realistic about what you can do.

You say your kids find it difficult to visit, that is normal. Don't chastise them. Send them on one day only while you are away. Mum will not die if they don't go every day.

The home should not be telling your dad whether you have been or not, have a word with them about that. They can probably say something like "Diane has called in", which might mean you have phoned to ask how mum is rather than visited.

Try to enjoy your break, don't worry about everything, you cannot play God to everybody, you are a person, and deserve am life yourself. Take a few days off, let it all wash over you, stop trying to be magnificent, it can't be done my love.

I know I sound daft, but think about it Diane. If you are not 100% yourself you will be no use to anyone. Take care.

Love

Margaret

 

[DianeB]

Awww thank you xxxxx

The problem is every day I have to inform Dad of how Mum is, and I can't lie. If I don't ring him he rings me and now he is complaining about the phone bill ...that was until I told him ours which was double his. The phone calls last for between 35 and 45 mins as well. Add that to the time taken to see Mum, its like my life is being ruled. The other thing is the home have a signing in book so Dad can look himself and check to see if I have been. I know I am the only one who visits every day. I know most of the residents by name and they think I am a nurse, which can get difficult as they ask me to do things of which I can't do, and also want me to sit with them to give them some company (this of course I don't do as it's Mum I am seeing but I will often say something to another so I don't come across as ignorant, plus if it was my Mum I would like to think somebody would say hi to her). One lady will always comes and sit by Mum when I arrive, which i don't mind, she even walks me to the door, bless, and wants a good bye hug.

I don't think Dad realises exactly how much I am having to do, every day I have a to do list otherwise I will forget something I am supposed to do. Todays list includes, going to fetch some baby clothes I won off Ebay (about 7 miles away) do some food shopping with my friend, pack a load of stuff I have sold on Ebay and post that (trying to make some money to pay for Xmas) I have presents to wrap (wont rest until that is done) I have 3 loads of washing drying and about 8 loads of ironing to do, hoover and tidy after the weekend then dinner and see Mum and ring Dad, oh and I have to get dressed lol. What am I doing sitting here!!!!! I wanted to go to see baby today but there is no chance I will get the time.
On count down now for Friday when I know I will be off leave until Tuesday, at least that is something I am now really looking forward to. Belgium here we come!!!!!!!!

 

[Skye]

On count down now for Friday when I know I will be off leave until Tuesday, at least that is something I am now really looking forward to. Belgium here we come!!!!!!!!

Diane, just make sure you go!!!!!!!!

DO NOT fall for any emotional blackmail -- or you'll have ME bullying you too! Now that would be too much!

And have a wonderful time, and tell us all about it when you get back.

Love,