Hello everyone who so kindly replied to my question. With regard to taking over my thread - this just proves to me that I’m on to something. The things you have spoken about, that you have to keep hidden deep inside yourself for a fear of some kind or shame, just proves to me that a group for women finding that they are trapped is sorely needed. Bless you all with the strength to make the toughest decisions.
Dear Pevensey, I hope that you were able to speak with courage to the SW and the OT’s, I think that you knew what you needed, you’ve acted with absolute unselfish motives until the age of 78 by looking after a man you no longer loved. I’m the same. The two years before he was diagnosed and medicated were sheer hell and it killed off my love for him, I was preparing to leave and go into a hostel and our pets into RSPCA, I described my self to a friend as being like a small insect with its wings and legs slowly being ripped off. Nevertheless, when he began the medication it was like a small bomb in his brain as it were, he began talking about feelings, and how he had been treating me. He tried to make up to me.
I no longer have even acquaintances let alone friends. I have to be careful with ‘phone calls, emails, talking to people outside for fear that he thinks I am talking about him, or our male neighbour fancies me, in fact according to him all men fancy me.
I try and try to stoke up my feelings for him, before he was ill he was lovely, a good husband and gentleman ( with just about the right amount of rough edges - he was a scaffolder most of his working life, and was a joker, someone who didn’t suffer fools). I sometimes cannot bear him touching me.
The guilt is terrible sometimes, but I cannot bear leaving him by himself with that illness. He changes moods like the wind changes direction.
One minute he’s jealous that someone else fancies me, but then he will change and say that I must go and start a new life, he feels less of a man. The other thing is that we live in a council property, I can stay here as I’m joint tennant, but he wont leave, but on the other hand he says he could not stay here with all the memories. I love my home I’ve worked hard on it and the garden, the council would put me in a flat. I worry about my future, how I will cope financially.
The doctors and my sw think that we have marital problems and have advised seeing Relate!!.
I have to go for now, it is late but this was the only opportunity to talk to you all. God bless and good night.