Its just impossible

Lladro

Registered User
May 1, 2019
123
0
It just seems to be impossible some times: My wife shouts at me to get out of "her" house - then when I try to go out of the door (because quite frankly by this stage I am quite happy to get out for a while), she will block my way and shout at me to not leave her alone. This repeats itself at regular intervals. I feel completely trapped and helpless. I can't go and I can't stay - Impossible situation. I become annoyed and shout back, this doesn't help of course - Even more of an impossible situation.
 

nae sporran

Registered User
Oct 29, 2014
9,213
0
Bristol
I know the feeling to some degree @Lladro. My partner does not need me, I should go away with one of my floosies today and tomorrow she wants me to stay. Thankfully it rarely gets too heated, but no matter how hard you try to diffuse the situation it is hard not to get a little annoyed and use language you might regret.
Have you read the compassionate communication thread, which as I just admitted is not as easy to follow as you hope? It is worth reading to reset your compass though.
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
Punching pillows and making an excuse like taking the bins or recycling out can also buy a few minutes to calm down.
 

PalSal

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
972
0
Pratteln Switzerland
For us gratefully, my husband no longer really cares who is with him. He just hates to be alone....really started about 4 years ago. Luckily, we had always had lots of people coming and going in our lives. So, hiring carers and walkers has made my life easier and given me more freedom. Perhaps you can start bringing people in to help.
 

Buteo

Registered User
Mar 20, 2019
83
0
When it's just the two of you the home can get very claustrophobic when things get shouty. It feels impossible sometimes, but I keep telling myself it's not her it's the dementia and say things like, "I'm sorry I've upset you." A soft answer turneth away wrath. Having other people around as PalSal says can be a real relief.
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
2,348
0
76
Devon, Totnes
It just seems to be impossible some times: My wife shouts at me to get out of "her" house - then when I try to go out of the door (because quite frankly by this stage I am quite happy to get out for a while), she will block my way and shout at me to not leave her alone. This repeats itself at regular intervals. I feel completely trapped and helpless. I can't go and I can't stay - Impossible situation. I become annoyed and shout back, this doesn't help of course - Even more of an impossible situation.
 

Lladro

Registered User
May 1, 2019
123
0
I see you have already received excellent advice.

I know how tough it is, and sometimes I had to find another way of "resetting myself". Another resource to read which may help when you get frustrated is as follows: https://www.choicedementia.ca/Blog/?bid=58&&Blog=10-Requests-from-an-Alzheimer\'s-Patient.
Hope this helps,
Paco

Thank you - That is kind and helps me. It does seem that the Americans (for all of their pretty evident faults) , are quite far ahead of us here in attempting to deal with Dementia .
 

Lladro

Registered User
May 1, 2019
123
0
When it's just the two of you the home can get very claustrophobic when things get shouty. It feels impossible sometimes, but I keep telling myself it's not her it's the dementia and say things like, "I'm sorry I've upset you." A soft answer turneth away wrath. Having other people around as PalSal says can be a real relief.

Thank you for the kind reply. There is only me to deal with this, no family to help, no close friends. We have always been quite an insular couple, just thinking that we needed only each other to love and be loved. Now that approach seems silly and selfish .
 

Lladro

Registered User
May 1, 2019
123
0
For us gratefully, my husband no longer really cares who is with him. He just hates to be alone....really started about 4 years ago. Luckily, we had always had lots of people coming and going in our lives. So, hiring carers and walkers has made my life easier and given me more freedom. Perhaps you can start bringing people in to help.

Thank you for your kind reply. I have managed to bring a carer in for three hours a week now. It has worked out well, whereby my wife believes that the lady is a friend who comes to see her and take her out. Maybe this can be extended, but my wife seems so dependant on me and so upset when she thinks that I am not around (even though I am). One day at a time is all I can manage at the moment. The future scares the hell out of me.
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,906
0
I like your wisdom @Buteo; have just looked up 'A soft answer .......... ' and I'll try to remember the sentiment.
 

Lladro

Registered User
May 1, 2019
123
0
I know the feeling to some degree @Lladro. My partner does not need me, I should go away with one of my floosies today and tomorrow she wants me to stay. Thankfully it rarely gets too heated, but no matter how hard you try to diffuse the situation it is hard not to get a little annoyed and use language you might regret.
Have you read the compassionate communication thread, which as I just admitted is not as easy to follow as you hope? It is worth reading to reset your compass though.
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
Punching pillows and making an excuse like taking the bins or recycling out can also buy a few minutes to calm down.

HI, yes I have read the thread. I actually have it saved onto my laptop to look at and remind me how good it is - putting some of it into practice, now that's a completely different kettle of fish...
I find myself getting more than a little annoyed , I used to pride myself that I had never sworn in front of my wife in 30 years of marriage , well that one has gone out of the window along with my self respect. I manage to give myself tension headaches and for the first time in my life, I actually don't like "me". The following day when everything has calmed down, I just can't quite believe that what happened the previous evening actually happened at all, unfortunately it did.
I will keep trying each day. I will never leave her, I will never abandon her. I will always be there for her , even if I am the one shouting at her. I love her from the depth of my soul and always will.
 

nae sporran

Registered User
Oct 29, 2014
9,213
0
Bristol
I think most of us who are carers feel the way you expressed that final paragraph, Lladro. I see you have a carer in for 3 hours a week, and if you can manage to get your wife to accept a day centre for half a day a week too then it will help. My partner is usually reluctant to go when I try to get her out to her centre, but enjoys it once she is there and I get 3 hours with a walking and social group.
Good luck and strength to you.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,444
0
Kent
The following day when everything has calmed down, I just can't quite believe that what happened the previous evening actually happened at all, unfortunately it did.

It`s so easy with hindsight. I still think about some of the mistakes I made and feel embarrassed at my loss of control.

However when you are in the thick of it it`s so much easier said than done.
 

Buteo

Registered User
Mar 20, 2019
83
0
Thank you for the kind reply. There is only me to deal with this, no family to help, no close friends. We have always been quite an insular couple, just thinking that we needed only each other to love and be loved. Now that approach seems silly and selfish .
Not silly or selfish - but dementia changes everything.
 

Juba

Registered User
Jul 27, 2019
33
0
I see you have already received excellent advice.

I know how tough it is, and sometimes I had to find another way of "resetting myself". Another resource to read which may help when you get frustrated is as follows: https://www.choicedementia.ca/Blog/?bid=58&&Blog=10-Requests-from-an-Alzheimer\'s-Patient.
Hope this helps,
Paco
Thanks Paco - I really needed to read this right now. Having an awful time and just feeling totally overwhelmed but this helps add some perspective.....
 

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