I too have shouted at my poor mum ...I feel so bad and I always say I'm sorry ...but I do agree it's the sleep or lack of it , trying to hang on to a small thread of normal life and dealing with all the day to day stuff ...and it's so hard to keep calm all the time . We have just had a blow to mum's diagnosis as it could be dementia with Lewy bodies . Vascular dementia was the first diagnosis...which is what my dad had and passed away 4 years ago ...a 2 year gap and then after moving in with my mum as it seem to make sense as we are both widows...mum got this .
Feeling guilty for shouting at my husband
- Thread starter Larker
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I too have shouted at my poor mum ...I feel so bad and I always say I'm sorry ...but I do agree it's the sleep or lack of it , trying to hang on to a small thread of normal life and dealing with all the day to day stuff ...and it's so hard to keep calm all the time . We have just had a blow to mum's diagnosis as it could be dementia with Lewy bodies . Vascular dementia was the first diagnosis...which is what my dad had and passed away 4 years ago ...a 2 year gap and then after moving in with my mum as it seem to make sense as we are both widows...mum got this .
Hi.. After a bad night.. Sat up at the side of the bed at 1..trying to decide to get up or lay down.. at half one laying back down.. then up at 4 to get dressed.. Given that I have to help him get up and dressed and faced with continual questions about when he can go to the loo(he has a colestomy bag so need not worry) my patience is running low... My tone gets sharp and irritated.. Don't actually shout till around 5.30...now feel I'm letting him down as I know he can't help it... Lack of sleep is the worst thing... From a grumpy carer!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi.. After a bad night.. Sat up at the side of the bed at 1..trying to decide to get up or lay down.. at half one laying back down.. then up at 4 to get dressed.. Given that I have to help him get up and dressed and faced with continual questions about when he can go to the loo(he has a colestomy bag so need not worry) my patience is running low... My tone gets sharp and irritated.. Don't actually shout till around 5.30...now feel I'm letting him down as I know he can't help it... Lack of sleep is the worst thing... From a grumpy carer!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh once again you are mirroring our life. My OH up a d down during the night. Trying to get dressed, needs to be somewhere, someone told him to get up. Have a good night xx
Precisely, then you've no patience the next day. A good night's sleep (relatively) and I feel kindly and sorry for him, but after a bad night I can hardly tolerate being in the same room, I just want to be alone, listen to the radio.
I know that feeling. The other day he managed to wind me up so much I had the urge to pick him up and put him in a playpen so I could go about my business. Now isn't that a strange feeling to have? But that's how I felt.
I haven't thought of that but next time he's pacing about I shall think of you and a giant playpen. Had a fairly good evening managed to get him settled to watch Midsummer murders (though I doubt he followed it) later Match of the day which is guaranteed peace.
Not sure if this is a practical option for you but we have a small dog. Every time I hear myself rant or feel like I'm losing control the dog just looks at me and I remember 'shouting or ranting will just make things worse'. As a result, the dog now gets taken on lots of walks - even just round the corner until I can bring myself down.
It's an awful situation but as others tell me - 'we're all human and need to blow off steam at times'. Hope things improve for you
It's an awful situation but as others tell me - 'we're all human and need to blow off steam at times'. Hope things improve for you
Hi all, I seem to be able to identify with almost every reply that I have read on this thread! Feeling guilty for shouting, being followed everywhere, Hostess mode (don't get me started on that one!) OH not interested in anything, OH says she has been to this place or that (we never have), she knows this or that person (never seen them before), other people in the house (our neighbour asked me yesterday if there were other people in our house! (OH had told her there were). Asking where I am all of the time, using my name to talk about someone else, to me!
Being horrid to me. The loneliness of not having anyone to share conversations with or sort out problems together anymore. My conclusion: We are so not alone in this - it just seems that way - So sad - Best to everyone x
Being horrid to me. The loneliness of not having anyone to share conversations with or sort out problems together anymore. My conclusion: We are so not alone in this - it just seems that way - So sad - Best to everyone x
I know what you mean, this pandemic has made me feel more isolated and I find myself screaming at him. I feel so guilty but Alzheimer’s has turned my lovely husband into a stranger in my home. I honestly don’t know after three years how I carry on. I feel for all of you on this site
I agree @Lezah . I think shouting is the natural reaction and perhaps a safety valve. My wife, Margaret, has LBD and is now in a nursing home but during the 5 or 6 years I cared for her at home I couldn't even begin to count the number of times I ended up shouting at her and then, o course, feeling guilty. I fear from what I have learned on this forum that it's par for the course. Better to shout than come to blows! The other thing I learned is that you have to be prepared to ask for help.
God bless
Yes I often shout at my wife who has Alzheimers. She is not capable of putting a sentence together to answer back. The first few times I felt so guilty, I even reported myself to social services and insisted they put it on record. What happens though is Margaret forgets what I have said in a matter of minutes and I feel guilty for hours.
After 3 years I have learnt that "letting off a little steam" , especially with Covid actually helps me and Margaret in her own way seems to understand and simply gives me a kiss.
After 3 years I have learnt that "letting off a little steam" , especially with Covid actually helps me and Margaret in her own way seems to understand and simply gives me a kiss.
Hi @Browny10 !
please borrow my invisible parrot.
It sits on my shoulder.
It is a very rude parrot.
It shouts and swears and has opinions on everything !
Meanwhile I smile, and soothingly say ‘ don’t worry we can sort this out’!
My father, who has Parkinsons Plus, quite often just doesn't respond to instructions. I'll be guiding him to walk forward towards a chair and he'll just stop then start trying to sit down, when there's no chair there. Saying things quietly and calmly have no effect and I find myself shouting at him in the hope something might sink in and stop him falling.
I also struggle with the fact that many of his behaviours, which, despite being a part of his condition, come across as exceedingly rude from someone who looks like the man I've known all my life. For example, he won't ever wait for everyone to be served at dinner, just head down and starts eating, ignores any attempts at conversation and the most we get out of him, when asked how it is, is "Fine".
I also struggle with the fact that many of his behaviours, which, despite being a part of his condition, come across as exceedingly rude from someone who looks like the man I've known all my life. For example, he won't ever wait for everyone to be served at dinner, just head down and starts eating, ignores any attempts at conversation and the most we get out of him, when asked how it is, is "Fine".
You shouldn’t feel guilty , you are human with your own needs. Most of us caring for someone with dementia are not of an age when we really want to look after another person.
I’m reading this after a shouting incident with my partner. He said he wanted to go to bed so I went to check he was ok. He had picked up a very sharp pair of scissors which I had borrowed from a friend to cut my hair. He stuffed them down his trousers insisting they were his and I couldn’t take them. No amount of rational explanation would persuade him it was a bit dangerous! I ended up losing it with him and my reaction was totally disproportionate.As always, I then immediately regretted it. It is the result of a complete breakdown in communication. He can’t understand what I’m asking him to do so the frustration mounts. At least we laughed about it afterwards and I retrieved the scissors!
Thank you so much for this post and all the replies. It has helped me so much.
Maybe I'm not the awful person I thought I was. I am finding it all so difficult. My best friend and husband for half my life is still there, but isn't there anymore. I no longer have the person I have always turned to for support when things get bad, and even worse most of the time he is the cause of the need for support. It's like being. caught in some dreadful loop.
I lose my temper constantly. I try so hard not to but I'm not made to be a carer. I have no choice but to care for him, and nor would I want to have a choice - we said for better or for worse 30 odd years ago. But knowing that doesn't help. It doesn't make it easier when he calls me constantly, can't remember that I work (from home), can't remember what I told him minutes before, denies things, makes things up and has no ability to make a decision or desire to get involved in anything.
No-one really understands unless, like everyone here, you have gone or are going through it. I want to be kind, loving and easy-going all day every day. I make it through maybe 50% of the time. The other 50% not so good. I lose my temper when I shouldn't and then feel as if I have beaten a puppy. I don't know how to deal with it.
Thank you for being on this site and for the help and reassurance it gives.
Maybe I'm not the awful person I thought I was. I am finding it all so difficult. My best friend and husband for half my life is still there, but isn't there anymore. I no longer have the person I have always turned to for support when things get bad, and even worse most of the time he is the cause of the need for support. It's like being. caught in some dreadful loop.
I lose my temper constantly. I try so hard not to but I'm not made to be a carer. I have no choice but to care for him, and nor would I want to have a choice - we said for better or for worse 30 odd years ago. But knowing that doesn't help. It doesn't make it easier when he calls me constantly, can't remember that I work (from home), can't remember what I told him minutes before, denies things, makes things up and has no ability to make a decision or desire to get involved in anything.
No-one really understands unless, like everyone here, you have gone or are going through it. I want to be kind, loving and easy-going all day every day. I make it through maybe 50% of the time. The other 50% not so good. I lose my temper when I shouldn't and then feel as if I have beaten a puppy. I don't know how to deal with it.
Thank you for being on this site and for the help and reassurance it gives.