Do I tell him?

[Fishgirl]

After another disturbed night, where OH kept getting up to check that the car was still there until 2.30am.( I am seeing doctor about this) This morning when I gave him his early morning cuppa, he had a very troubled look on his face and then he asked me what was wrong with him. This is the first time in nearly 3 years since his diagnosis that he’s showed any sign of thinking that, even though he’s had brain scans and regularly consultations at the hospital, it seemed to all go over his head! My question is do I tell him the truth or is it kinder to lie?

 

[nae sporran]

That is a horrible question to have to answer, especially when your are stressed and not had much sleep. My partner has vascular dementia and the diagnosis followed a stroke, so I just tie everything in to her stroke as the few occasions she is aware of more than that or I use the word dementia she wants to give up or thinks she is too far gone. That is probably different to your situation @Fishgirl, but a few love lies go a long way sometimes.

 

[Fishgirl]

Thanks for your reply, nea sporran, that’s really helped me because he does have a chest complaint(COPD) So maybe I could link it to that! I thought I might say something about it stopping the oxygen getting to his brain for a few seconds and that’s causing him to be confused for a minute or two, I think he would also give up if he knew he had dementia, because his sister has late stage dementia and he’s seen how it’s affected her!

 

[Toony Oony]

Hi @Fishgirl - I made the decision jointly with Mum's GP not to tell her the Vascular Dementia diagnosis as we too feared she would just give up, given the depressed state she was in. I think suggesting that any symptoms are linked to an existing illness is a good idea. I didn't have that option.

However, at a Consultant Psych consultation, Mum asked the doctor if she was 'going funny'. I thought the reply was great and have mentioned it on here before. The consultant calmly stated that as the body ages, certain bits age faster than others. She asked Mum if some of her friends needed hearing aids - that was because their hearing was ageing faster than Mum's. Did some of them need a cocktail of medicines for various ailments? Those bits were wearing out faster than Mum. In Mum's case - like many others - it was her memory that was wearing out a bit quicker than normal.

 

[Banjomansmate]

The Banjoman was always sure that all his problems evolved from having bad legs and once they were sorted he would be OK.
Linking the COPD to problems with oxygen getting to his brain sounds like an acceptable ‘get out’ Fishgirl.

 

[Fishgirl]

Thanks for your replies, I was a bit worried that you would all say better to tell him the truth and help him deal with it, phew! He hasn’t mentioned it since, so hopefully he’s forgotten about it, but at least I’ll be ready if he does.

 

[RosettaT]

I tell my OH when he gets upset, because he can't do things, that he has been poorly but is now on new medication. If he asks how long til he gets better, I say he is getting stronger every day and things are coming along slowly but very nicely. He's alway happy with that.

 

[Fishgirl]

Thank you Rosetta T, that’s another great help, I will use that one!

 

[DesperateofDevon]

I think that every PWD has a different outlook. The last Christmas we were all together my Dad was playing Trivial pursuit - we were in teams. I asked him about a place he had been to in the Fleet Air Arm, quick as a flash he replied
“ why are you asking me I’ve got dementia” & burst out laughing .

I had a honest relationship with Dad, not many secrets...
my Mum well it’s a need to know basis sometimes but I reassure her that giving something a name doesn’t change how you feel. It’s just letters & words.

 

[Starbright]

My Oh has a total hip replacement looming and he’s convinced that when he gets his new hip he will be fine because there’s nothing else wrong with him ...Ehhem !!!
A x

 

[Mumof3kids]

After another disturbed night, where OH kept getting up to check that the car was still there until 2.30am.( I am seeing doctor about this) This morning when I gave him his early morning cuppa, he had a very troubled look on his face and then he asked me what was wrong with him. This is the first time in nearly 3 years since his diagnosis that he’s showed any sign of thinking that, even though he’s had brain scans and regularly consultations at the hospital, it seemed to all go over his head! My question is do I tell him the truth or is it kinder to lie?

@Fishgirl me and my mum don't use the D word at all around dad. He has VD so when he very occasionally asks what the tablet he takes at lunch time is for (Risperidone) mum simply says it's because he had strokes in his head....it depends what mood he's in, but mostly he accepts it and takes the tablet.

We can be watching the news and an article will come on about how many people are suffering with Alz, Dementia etc - my dad will look over at mum and simply say 'We're the lucky ones - that must be so tough' Mum just nods her head. The hardest thing was recently when my mum had carers in for a short period of time to look after her, the information booklet about their situation clearly stated that mum lives with her husband of 52 years who has vascular dementia. He must have read the notes just before he went up to bed. Remarkably he remembered what he'd read and woke mum up, he was in tears when he said to her 'it must be horrible for you living with someone who has dementia'. It broke my mum's heart to hear him say that. She just spoke softly to him and said they were both tired and they'd talk in the morning.

He'd forgotten all about it the next morning, we hid the file away from him so he never needed to read the words again.

So 'love lies' as some folk call them, are absolutely necessary.

 

[Fishgirl]

Thanks everyone for your reply’s ,
It is so difficult to know what to say,
I think if OH had been diagnosed earlier , he probably could have coped with it, but that was my fault because although I knew he was doing things that were out of character, it didn’t enter my head that it could be dementia! I just thought he was turning into a forgetful grumpy old man(71 then)
By the time he was diagnosed, he couldn’t comprehend what was happening, It is such a heartbreaking, cruel disease, maybe the forgetful aspect is a blessing sometimes!
I hope OH hip operation goes well Starbight, and oh wouldn’t it be wonderful if it was only that simple!!xx

 

[Donkeyshere]

I've always said dementia to the MIL or problem with her memory - now I tell her now its her age as she is nearly 90 - I said to her the other day its nature that has done it - she did not hear it properly and said "well the neighbour can have it back!"

 

[Fishgirl]

I've always said dementia to the MIL or problem with her memory - now I tell her now its her age as she is nearly 90 - I said to her the other day its nature that has done it - she did not hear it properly and said "well the neighbour can have it back!"

Haha that gave me a much needed laugh, my mother is 91 , still active and got her marbles , the other day she rang me to ask when my grandsons birthday was because she can’t see her little book anymore, I told her when it was and said but don’t worry if you forget it, it doesn’t matter and she said very indignantly IT MATTERS TO ME! That was me told!!

 

[Donkeyshere]

Haha that gave me a much needed laugh, my mother is 91 , still active and got her marbles , the other day she rang me to ask when my grandsons birthday was because she can’t see her little book anymore, I told her when it was and said but don’t worry if you forget it, it doesn’t matter and she said very indignantly IT MATTERS TO ME! That was me told!!

Glad you got a smile - I went into her cupboard today to check she had bread, she forgets to eat so I monitor it to ensure she at least eats breakfast, I found some mini sausage roles, strategically placed one on the coffee jar, one tea jar and one on the biscuits - all in a row like soldiers - I might have to "kill them off" tomorrow to save her getting food poisoning!

 

[DesperateofDevon]

I've always said dementia to the MIL or problem with her memory - now I tell her now its her age as she is nearly 90 - I said to her the other day its nature that has done it - she did not hear it properly and said "well the neighbour can have it back!"

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Glad you got a smile - I went into her cupboard today to check she had bread, she forgets to eat so I monitor it to ensure she at least eats breakfast, I found some mini sausage roles, strategically placed one on the coffee jar, one tea jar and one on the biscuits - all in a row like soldiers - I might have to "kill them off" tomorrow to save her getting food poisoning!

I used to find food in weird places. Meals Mum had cooked when she knew I was coming down- gone green in a cupboard!
Ah bless the thought was there, along with the food poisoning!

 

[Donkeyshere]

I used to find food in weird places. Meals Mum had cooked when she knew I was coming down- gone green in a cupboard!
Ah bless the thought was there, along with the food poisoning!

Yep the microwave is now out of bounds - the time I ventured in there there were two bowls of green stuff along with a metal spoon!

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Mum gave the whole family food poisoning a few years ago - no one truly seemed to believe how bad things were even family at that point - her hostessing skills were that good!
After the food poisoning incident funnily enough my family took notice - a bit!

Coke cola, ( other brands available) eats the stomach lining & helps eliminate the bacteria- seriously a GP told me this years ago when one of the smallies had gastric flu!
Just leave it go a bit flat or warm it gently in a pan!
It’s amazing how quick this works

Just in case .......

 

[imthedaughter]

I used to find food in weird places. Meals Mum had cooked when she knew I was coming down- gone green in a cupboard!
Ah bless the thought was there, along with the food poisoning!

While moving dad out of independent living I found one of those wrapped butter pats you get at cafés in an envelope, with a letter and some notes he'd made. And some baby clothes in a drawer (nothing else had been put away).