How can we help?

[Bellasmiffie]

My father in law has parkinsons and now vascular dementia. He recently came home from a 5 week hospital stay after a fall. His wife is his carer she is a formidable force and independent capable lady but is elderly herself and already looks shattered after disturbed nights and falls out of bed which I think are the biggest worry for her. We are all keen to be there for her,. She felt she needed to give homecare a try as he is very against a care home or any respite but she would have everyone's support if she changed her mind. His condition became very serious quickly when the fall happened. it was not long ago they were on cruises and holidays together and enjoying a lively social life. He is constantly trying to get up (he has hospital bed in downstairs bedroom, Has a catheter and wears huggies (no continence pants provided) for now strictly not allowed to get up. I want to help but without being an interference or becoming a nuisance myself. Tips on how to help (quietly) but also read signs of when me or husband should step in/step up more will be gratefully received.

 

[Izzy]

Good morning and welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry to hear about your father in law's situation. It must be difficult with your mother in law being so independent. I think her just knowing you are there for them must be a comfort to her. I think you need to go with your own instincts regarding when to step up your involvement. You say she is looking shattered so perhaps that time has come. Is there a possibility that one if you could do a couple of overnight stays so that she can get some rest while you deal with your father in law?

 

[Grannie G]

Tips on how to help (quietly

Sometimes we just have to wait until help is sought.

Let your inlaws know you have no wish to intrude but hope when they really need help they will ask. I understand you feel they need help now, but needing it and being ready to accept it are two different things.

I`ve read so many posts on this forum where carers really do have to reach breaking point before they will ask for help. It might be because of pride, guilt, duty or a need for privacy or a combination of all. Sometimes it`s a necessary evil which cannot be avoided.

 

[Bellasmiffie]

Good morning and welcome to the forum.

I'm sorry to hear about your father in law's situation. It must be difficult with your mother in law being so independent. I think her just knowing you are there for them must be a comfort to her. I think you need to go with your own instincts regarding when to step up your involvement. You say she is looking shattered so perhaps that time has come. Is there a possibility that one if you could do a couple of overnight stays so that she can get some rest while you deal with your father in law?

 

[Bellasmiffie]

Thanks for reply, isn't the line between helpful and intrusive a difficult one!!

 

[TNJJ]

My father in law has parkinsons and now vascular dementia. He recently came home from a 5 week hospital stay after a fall. His wife is his carer she is a formidable force and independent capable lady but is elderly herself and already looks shattered after disturbed nights and falls out of bed which I think are the biggest worry for her. We are all keen to be there for her,. She felt she needed to give homecare a try as he is very against a care home or any respite but she would have everyone's support if she changed her mind. His condition became very serious quickly when the fall happened. it was not long ago they were on cruises and holidays together and enjoying a lively social life. He is constantly trying to get up (he has hospital bed in downstairs bedroom, Has a catheter and wears huggies (no continence pants provided) for now strictly not allowed to get up. I want to help but without being an interference or becoming a nuisance myself. Tips on how to help (quietly) but also read signs of when me or husband should step in/step up more will be gratefully received.

Hi.If she hasn't got attendance allowance and the Mentally Impaired Reduction from the council.Maybe you could help her with that.Just a suggestion.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Thanks for reply, isn't the line between helpful and intrusive a difficult one!!

Yes it is , & help can often be perceived by PWD as intrusive & unwanted.

 

[TNJJ]

Hi.If she hasn't got attendance allowance and the Mentally Impaired Reduction from the council.Maybe you could help her with that.Just a suggestion.

Also to help her with his human waste, the council provide yellow bags for pads and catheters as they all need to be incinerated alongside plastic gloves.Bags are collected once a week and she will be given a new one.It is all free.You just need to ring the council.