Hello everybody..
I posted a thread some weeks back but missed this section completely. I think my post is more relevant here. I've read some threads and it breaks my heart all over again.
When I was 17 my mum aged 47 was diagnosed with Dementia. We had a stable(ish) start and I thought 'it wont get any worse than this'. Although obviously, it did. Fast forward 10years. I was 26 and my mum 57. She looked old and frail but I still thought she had years left.
In June 2018 I found out I was expecting my first baby. A beautiful little baby girl. I was SO happy. I was always worried that by the time that stage of my life came round, my mum may not be here. Although she wouldnt of known it was her grandaughter I was thrilled that I could get some photos of them together to show my daughter how amazing her grandma was when she got older. My pregnancy itself was great. There I was in my own little bubble, travelling to and from Newcastle where my mum and dad where and i'm 4hours away. Lots of facetimes and sending my bump and scan photos. It was amazing. Till January 2nd this year. My dad rang to say my mum, my precious mum, was going to die. I was heavily pregnant. 5weeks from my due date. I grabbed my hospital bag, babies car seat and me and my partner made the 4hour trip to Newcastle. I couldn't believe this was happening. Not now. I arrived and my mum looked like she had already died. There was nothing they could do. The days past and I registered at the hospital incase I went into labour. I slept on the hospital floor next to my mums bed for 5days till she very peacefully, took her last breath. I travelled home the next morning to shower and repack ny bags to head back up a week later for the funeral. I still to this day don't remember much. We said our goodbyes and I realised a part of me had died too. I arrived back home and 2 weeks later was taken into hospital to have my daughter. It was the most bitter sweet feeling in the world, even writing this now makes me cry so much. I was in labour for 5days when she finally arrived. My heart was so full and so empty. I was then told my grandma died from dementia too, on the same day I had my daughter.. just a couple of hours before.
Its been 7months now since my mum has died. My daughter is an amazing baby. Now she is sleeping through the night and I have more time for me, the mourning has hit me hard. I'm tired. I'm exhausted emotionally. I'm so overwhelmed. So much has happened in such a small period of time. I'm doing okay though. I will make sure my mums memory lives on. I will make sure that I'm making her proud. As a daughter and as a mother. One comfort I do get now is that she is guiding me clearly now.
Sorry to go on. Non of my friends understand. I dont cry infront of my daughter. I just needed to let it all out. Maybe to re live it again as I am writing it as part of my process. Who knows xx
I posted a thread some weeks back but missed this section completely. I think my post is more relevant here. I've read some threads and it breaks my heart all over again.
When I was 17 my mum aged 47 was diagnosed with Dementia. We had a stable(ish) start and I thought 'it wont get any worse than this'. Although obviously, it did. Fast forward 10years. I was 26 and my mum 57. She looked old and frail but I still thought she had years left.
In June 2018 I found out I was expecting my first baby. A beautiful little baby girl. I was SO happy. I was always worried that by the time that stage of my life came round, my mum may not be here. Although she wouldnt of known it was her grandaughter I was thrilled that I could get some photos of them together to show my daughter how amazing her grandma was when she got older. My pregnancy itself was great. There I was in my own little bubble, travelling to and from Newcastle where my mum and dad where and i'm 4hours away. Lots of facetimes and sending my bump and scan photos. It was amazing. Till January 2nd this year. My dad rang to say my mum, my precious mum, was going to die. I was heavily pregnant. 5weeks from my due date. I grabbed my hospital bag, babies car seat and me and my partner made the 4hour trip to Newcastle. I couldn't believe this was happening. Not now. I arrived and my mum looked like she had already died. There was nothing they could do. The days past and I registered at the hospital incase I went into labour. I slept on the hospital floor next to my mums bed for 5days till she very peacefully, took her last breath. I travelled home the next morning to shower and repack ny bags to head back up a week later for the funeral. I still to this day don't remember much. We said our goodbyes and I realised a part of me had died too. I arrived back home and 2 weeks later was taken into hospital to have my daughter. It was the most bitter sweet feeling in the world, even writing this now makes me cry so much. I was in labour for 5days when she finally arrived. My heart was so full and so empty. I was then told my grandma died from dementia too, on the same day I had my daughter.. just a couple of hours before.
Its been 7months now since my mum has died. My daughter is an amazing baby. Now she is sleeping through the night and I have more time for me, the mourning has hit me hard. I'm tired. I'm exhausted emotionally. I'm so overwhelmed. So much has happened in such a small period of time. I'm doing okay though. I will make sure my mums memory lives on. I will make sure that I'm making her proud. As a daughter and as a mother. One comfort I do get now is that she is guiding me clearly now.
Sorry to go on. Non of my friends understand. I dont cry infront of my daughter. I just needed to let it all out. Maybe to re live it again as I am writing it as part of my process. Who knows xx