aggression at bedtime

[silver lady]

Hi there,

My mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's about 4 years ago. In the last 3 months or so she's become very aggressive at bedtime, her language is terrible and extremely abusive to whoever's trying to get her to bed. Just getting her in to her nightie is a problem too, even once it's on she'll take it off and get re dressed again.
I'd just like to know if anyone else has this problem.

 

[rhubarbtree]

Hi Silver lady,

Yep, same problem. Akin to a four year old not wanting to go to bed. My OH turns stubborn when I turn TV off. It is better if I wait until he goes to the toilet before turning it off but sometimes I am so tired I take a chance. During undressing, turn my back and clothes will be back on, over pyjamas, sometimes. I know now to get day clothes out of sight asap. It could be that your PWD feels insecure so flimsily dressed but in my OH's case he argues about taking the pyjamas off in the morning as well.

 

[silver lady]

Hi Silver lady,

Yep, same problem. Akin to a four year old not wanting to go to bed. My OH turns stubborn when I turn TV off. It is better if I wait until he goes to the toilet before turning it off but sometimes I am so tired I take a chance. During undressing, turn my back and clothes will be back on, over pyjamas, sometimes. I know now to get day clothes out of sight asap. It could be that your PWD feels insecure so flimsily dressed but in my OH's case he argues about taking the pyjamas off in the morning as well.

It's so difficult as it ends in quite a tussle, I try to whip her clothes off quickly so she doesn't have time to react but sometimes she'll hang on to her skirt, I feel it may be easier to let her go to bed in her clothes but it doesn't seem right to do that. I know she doesn't remember the next day of the trauma of getting her to bed but it leaves me feeling so anxious. I don't live with mum, my brother does and after quite a lot of problems me and him are getting along a lot better. I help out twice a week with bathtimes and bedtime routines, along with my sister but her abuse is constantly directed solely as myself and sister. She seems to prefer men, oddly enough. I never had a great relationship with her all my life, she's never been one for displays of affection, always had negative things to say about people and this just seems to have exacerbated due to her condition. It would be better for me to stay away from her but feel I can't, it really is just a duty.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @silver lady

Perhaps your mother is now at the stage when she has no understanding of what bedtime is about or what you are trying to do for her, or even to her.

I wonder if you have read the following about communication. It has helped many people understand ways of approaching some people with dementia as their understanding becomes more affected by their illness.

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

 

[canary]

I wonder whether it would help to have a male carer come and get her ready for bed? Even if she doesnt actually go to bed at that time at least it would be easier as she would already be in her nightwear

 

[silver lady]

Hello @silver lady

Perhaps your mother is now at the stage when she has no understanding of what bedtime is about or what you are trying to do for her, or even to her.

I wonder if you have read the following about communication. It has helped many people understand ways of approaching some people with dementia as their understanding becomes more affected by their illness.

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

Thank you so much for your reply, I'm going to take a look at the link right now.

 

[silver lady]

I wonder whether it would help to have a male carer come and get her ready for bed? Even if she doesnt actually go to bed at that time at least it would be easier as she would already be in her nightwear

I'm going to take my partner with me next time I go and see how that works out. Thanks for taking the time to reply.

 

[TNJJ]

It's so difficult as it ends in quite a tussle, I try to whip her clothes off quickly so she doesn't have time to react but sometimes she'll hang on to her skirt, I feel it may be easier to let her go to bed in her clothes but it doesn't seem right to do that. I know she doesn't remember the next day of the trauma of getting her to bed but it leaves me feeling so anxious. I don't live with mum, my brother does and after quite a lot of problems me and him are getting along a lot better. I help out twice a week with bathtimes and bedtime routines, along with my sister but her abuse is constantly directed solely as myself and sister. She seems to prefer men, oddly enough. I never had a great relationship with her all my life, she's never been one for displays of affection, always had negative things to say about people and this just seems to have exacerbated due to her condition. It would be better for me to stay away from her

 

[TNJJ]

Sometimes a male does work .The PWD regresses to when they were younger and will take personal care.All trial and error I'm afraid.Good luck

 

[Shedrech]

hi @silver lady
as rhubarbtree mentioned, is your mum compliant at changing clothes in the morning? ... if so, personally I wouldn't fight to get her undressed as it's just causing you both stress ... it's not the end of the world if she sleeps in that day's clothes but will change into others in the morning ... actually, I'm thinking that if she is awkward in the morning too, I'd forget about night clothes so she goes to bed less stressed, hopefully, and concentrate on mornings
she may also be forgetting the process, so alongside everything you want her to do, tell her exactly what you are going to do in small steps, talk her through each step and give lots of praise ... this helped with my dad

 

[northumbrian_k]

"I feel it may be easier to let her go to bed in her clothes but it doesn't seem right to do that."

I used to feel that way too @silver lady then I realised, for all the trouble that it caused at bedtime, it really wasn't worth trying to get my wife to undress and put her nightie on. As fast as I helped her to take off the many layers that she wore, if I as much as blinked, she would put them back on. Her nightie which I had ready would disappear. If she agreed to put it on it had to be over the remaining layers that she refused to remove because she was 'cold'. Then she would put on her hat and get into bed.

After many months of trying, I gave up on the undressing at night. I persevered with coaxing her to undress, wash and change in the morning, often with limited success. Now that she is in residential care she is still showing the same resistance, putting on her nightie when staff ask her to then getting up in the night to put on a few extra layers.

All of which is a long way of saying that there are worse things than going to bed in one's day clothes. You might be better just to accept it (still keep trying if you wish but don't push it too much) and save your energy for something more important.

As for the aggression and abuse, it is directed at you simply because you are there.

Hope this helps

 

[silver lady]

"I feel it may be easier to let her go to bed in her clothes but it doesn't seem right to do that."

I used to feel that way too @silver lady then I realised, for all the trouble that it caused at bedtime, it really wasn't worth trying to get my wife to undress and put her nightie on. As fast as I helped her to take off the many layers that she wore, if I as much as blinked, she would put them back on. Her nightie which I had ready would disappear. If she agreed to put it on it had to be over the remaining layers that she refused to remove because she was 'cold'. Then she would put on her hat and get into bed.

After many months of trying, I gave up on the undressing at night. I persevered with coaxing her to undress, wash and change in the morning, often with limited success. Now that she is in residential care she is still showing the same resistance, putting on her nightie when staff ask her to then getting up in the night to put on a few extra layers.

All of which is a long way of saying that there are worse things than going to bed in one's day clothes. You might be better just to accept it (still keep trying if you wish but don't push it too much) and save your energy for something more important.

As for the aggression and abuse, it is directed at you simply because you are there.

Hope this helps

Thank you so much for your reply. That certainly mends my guilt of sending her to bed clothed. We deal with a lot of guilt when trying to help a dementia patient but I suppose we need to remember they're living their life in a way that only makes sense to them, it's wasted energy trying to convince them otherwise. Thank you again. x

 

[silver lady]

hi @silver lady
as rhubarbtree mentioned, is your mum compliant at changing clothes in the morning? ... if so, personally I wouldn't fight to get her undressed as it's just causing you both stress ... it's not the end of the world if she sleeps in that day's clothes but will change into others in the morning ... actually, I'm thinking that if she is awkward in the morning too, I'd forget about night clothes so she goes to bed less stressed, hopefully, and concentrate on mornings
she may also be forgetting the process, so alongside everything you want her to do, tell her exactly what you are going to do in small steps, talk her through each step and give lots of praise ... this helped with my dad

Hi there, mum is compliant at getting dressed in the morning and does this completely by herself, making her bed also. She most probably feels as though she's lost control of her own life I've come to think and maybe leaving her to make her own decision is best all round, even though it feels wrong at the time. Thank you for your reply. x

 

[Jerry2648]

My wife was diagnosed about 3 years ago and I am now noticing more aggression at night. Not physical, though sometimes that also, but more in her language. She will begin to argue over things like her dislike for where we live or we are not married, or the car is not ours but hers alone -she bought it and her Dad helped her buy it. My reaction to the verbal things has become to just not respond and sit quietly, answering only questions that she asks. Usually in 20 minutes or so things have cooled and she does not even remember the argument.