Dad was violent to mum

[Worrieddaughter2]

My dad has vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s. 2 days ago he attacked my mum bruising her badly and he is now in hospital. He knocked her to the floor. At the time their grandchildren were asleep in the house.
Police and ambulance were called.
When my dad first became aggressive my sister and I broached what would happen if dad became physical. We agreed he would go into cate.
Dad has deteriorated badly over last 6 months and asks if my sister and I are home yet (w are both in our mid 40s and married)
Mum is talking about dad coming home.
I want her to understand how scared we are and on the night it happened she said she couldn’t have him back whilst the grandchildren were in the house.
I cannot risk losing my mum. I am already losing dad.
How can I help her to protect herself?

 

[ANITRAM]

I am so sorry that you are going through this challenging time . I think that as the police and ambulance have been called it is highly likely your parents case will be referred to the hospital social worker for assessment before dad will be allowed home . The time has come ( as I think you already know ) for him to be cared for in a care home / nursing home . Insist on a referral if it isn’t offered . Explain your mum is a vulnerable adult and SS have a duty of care to help your mum to avoid a serious ( maybe fatal ) assault . My MIL attacked my FIL at night with a walking stick ( both late 80’s ) and caused serious injury . Although we were trying to resist a CH she was moved to one the next day and this literally saved his life . The best time to move him is straight from hospital to “ recuperate “ . You just need to tell him a little love lie that he will go home when he is better / the doctors allow .

 

[Worrieddaughter2]

I am so sorry that you are going through this challenging time . I think that as the police and ambulance have been called it is highly likely your parents case will be referred to the hospital social worker for assessment before dad will be allowed home . The time has come ( as I think you already know ) for him to be cared for in a care home / nursing home . Insist on a referral if it isn’t offered . Explain your mum is a vulnerable adult and SS have a duty of care to help your mum to avoid a serious ( maybe fatal ) assault . My MIL attacked my FIL at night with a walking stick ( both late 80’s ) and caused serious injury . Although we were trying to resist a CH she was moved to one the next day and this literally saved his life . The best time to move him is straight from hospital to “ recuperate “ . You just need to tell him a little love lie that he will go home when he is better / the doctors allow .

Thank you. I don’t think it is my dad that will be the problem. It will be mum letting go.
My dad also used his walking stick!! He gained so much strength from somewhere that he has bruised the palm of his hand

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to DTP @Worrieddaughter2
What happened was incredibly upsetting for you all. Could you & your sister sit down with your Mum & explain your fears for her safety?

 

[Bunpoots]

Welcome from me too @Worrieddaughter2

Your poor mum! You obviously understand the dangers of your dad going back to live with your mum. I can understand her feelings, not wanting to let go, not wanting to live alone, not believing that your dad will cause her harm again...

My friends mum was not as lucky as yours and her husbands first attack on her was the last thing she ever knew. I hope you can make your mum understand how vulnerable she is if he returns home.

 

[jaymor]

A chat with your Mum hopefully will help your Mum understand that the point has now come when she needs to accept help with your Dad and if that is residential care then that’s the right decision. The caring role does not stop, she will just be accepting help in caring for your Dad.

I never called myself a Carer, I was my husband’s wife but I soon realised when he finally went into his nursing home that I had long ceased being a wife, there was no time to be a wife, it was indeed full on care for 7 years on my own.

I became his wife again. I had time to sit and chat to him, hold his hand, take a walk around the garden, have tea with him and then go home and sleep. I was his eyes and ears whilst he was in care, I watched and made sure he was looked after properly and everything was as I would want for him. So caring never stops, it’s just different and will benefit both your Mum and your Dad.,