Good afternoon. I am after advice on whether my Father should be left alone as he has Alzheimer’s. My Mother is leaving him either in the house or sitting in the car for up to 3hrs. I don’t think this is right as he gets confused easily but please correct me if this is acceptable to do. Thank you in advance.
Being left alone with Alzheimer’s
- Thread starter Wilsoner
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- alzheimer's disease
It depends how he reacts to being left alone. Is he contentedly watching TV or getting upset searching the whole house for her? Does she lock him in?
Being left to sit in a car for three hours is not ok in my opinion - it's a small restricted space that can become hot and stuffy very quickly. What if he steps out to look for her?
Does your Mum get any help? Has she had a needs and carers assessment from Social Services? She shouldn't have to cope alone, and her tendency to leave him on his own does not suggest cruelty to me but having to run errands or go shopping without any support. She should ask for a day centre or befrienders so she can go out without having to compromise his safety.
Being left to sit in a car for three hours is not ok in my opinion - it's a small restricted space that can become hot and stuffy very quickly. What if he steps out to look for her?
Does your Mum get any help? Has she had a needs and carers assessment from Social Services? She shouldn't have to cope alone, and her tendency to leave him on his own does not suggest cruelty to me but having to run errands or go shopping without any support. She should ask for a day centre or befrienders so she can go out without having to compromise his safety.
Hi and welcome to DTP @Wilsoner,
It’s not the best thing to do to leave someone with dementia alone for a long period of time. It also dependent on how far advanced the person is. Safety always has to be considered. I would’ve said for the first three years of my husbands journey with dementia he was fine to be left alone for a couple of hours. He was capable Of reading, doing small jobs or even cooking simple meals. My husband had Alzheimer’s for 11 years so three years was not long into his illness. By the beginning of year four he certainly was not safe to leave alone. I think you’ve just got to think carefully about their ability to do things and remain safe. My friend’s husband was not safe to be left alone just months after his diagnosis.
It’s not the best thing to do to leave someone with dementia alone for a long period of time. It also dependent on how far advanced the person is. Safety always has to be considered. I would’ve said for the first three years of my husbands journey with dementia he was fine to be left alone for a couple of hours. He was capable Of reading, doing small jobs or even cooking simple meals. My husband had Alzheimer’s for 11 years so three years was not long into his illness. By the beginning of year four he certainly was not safe to leave alone. I think you’ve just got to think carefully about their ability to do things and remain safe. My friend’s husband was not safe to be left alone just months after his diagnosis.
It really depends what stage he is at and what difficulties he has. In theory there is no problem with leaving someone with Alzheimers at home for a few hours as long as they are not likely to do something unsafe or become anxious. Before my mother moved to a care home, she had carers for 6 hours a day and was alone for the other 18 hours. Not ideal, but no harm came to her. But there does come a point when it is no longer safe.
Leaving someone in the car for 3 hours in unacceptable IMO, regardless of Alzheimers. I can't think of any reason you'd do that.
Leaving someone in the car for 3 hours in unacceptable IMO, regardless of Alzheimers. I can't think of any reason you'd do that.
I think the scenario with the car is unacceptable. I wouldn't do that with someone who was not in the grip of dementia. But as others have said, it depends on the stage really . My mother-in-law was on her own for many hours even with carers visiting. It got to the point where she was agitated and aggressive on her own, so couldn't be left at all .
My personal opinion is that three hours alone in a car is not acceptable.
However, as others have said, as far as being alone at home in general goes, it really does depend on what stage your father is at and how content he is.
When my husband was first diagnosed I had no worries about working full-time while he stayed home or took himself off places. That approach remained suitable for a couple of years and from then on I had to gradually spend less time away from him to make sure he was safe.
I started working half days at the office and then the rest of the day working at home. After that my number of working days gradually dwindled down the years as my husband's needs increased.
I wouldn't do things any differently now - in those initial years of diagnosis it was important for my husband to retain as much independence as he could. He would not have thanked me for stepping in too soon.
It will vary from person to person as to what is needed and at what stage.
However, as others have said, as far as being alone at home in general goes, it really does depend on what stage your father is at and how content he is.
When my husband was first diagnosed I had no worries about working full-time while he stayed home or took himself off places. That approach remained suitable for a couple of years and from then on I had to gradually spend less time away from him to make sure he was safe.
I started working half days at the office and then the rest of the day working at home. After that my number of working days gradually dwindled down the years as my husband's needs increased.
I wouldn't do things any differently now - in those initial years of diagnosis it was important for my husband to retain as much independence as he could. He would not have thanked me for stepping in too soon.
It will vary from person to person as to what is needed and at what stage.
I also think that 3 hours in the car is unacceptable but my dad lived on his own and was quite content with his own company. I often used to bring dad to my house and after about three hours of company he was ready to go home to his own space.
When he got to the later stages this changed and he started to get anxious when he was alone - looking for the family and upset and worried because we weren’t around. This was part of the reason he needed full time care for the last few months of his life.
When he got to the later stages this changed and he started to get anxious when he was alone - looking for the family and upset and worried because we weren’t around. This was part of the reason he needed full time care for the last few months of his life.
I woudn't leave mum alone in a car for more than 5 mins. She would become immediately anxious and likely get out of the car to look for me. At home its different, she's happy in her own home that she has lived in for many many years.
hello @Wilsoner
and welcome to DTP
you don't give much detail on your parents' circumstances, and you say up to 3 hours, so that could be some minutes in the car while your mother pops in to a local shop
sounds to me as though this has so far worked for your mother, she will be weighing up the risks and know how your father copes when on his own
I wonder what options your mother has ... maybe she doesn't know what support there may be available to her
perhaps you can help her by suggesting online grocery shopping ... can you or someone visit with your father while she has an hour or so to get out by herself
if there hasn't already been an assessment of your father's care needs, let your mother know about this and that he has a right to an assessment and she has a right to a carer's assessment ... might you contact their Local Authority Adult Services for them to make arrangements ... from the assessment a care package may be suggested eg some home care visits, time at a day centre so your father is looked after and your mother has time for herself, a befriender to visit to be company for your father while your mother has a break, and respite
there are some helpful pages on the AS site
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support
and welcome to DTP
you don't give much detail on your parents' circumstances, and you say up to 3 hours, so that could be some minutes in the car while your mother pops in to a local shop
sounds to me as though this has so far worked for your mother, she will be weighing up the risks and know how your father copes when on his own
I wonder what options your mother has ... maybe she doesn't know what support there may be available to her
perhaps you can help her by suggesting online grocery shopping ... can you or someone visit with your father while she has an hour or so to get out by herself
if there hasn't already been an assessment of your father's care needs, let your mother know about this and that he has a right to an assessment and she has a right to a carer's assessment ... might you contact their Local Authority Adult Services for them to make arrangements ... from the assessment a care package may be suggested eg some home care visits, time at a day centre so your father is looked after and your mother has time for herself, a befriender to visit to be company for your father while your mother has a break, and respite
there are some helpful pages on the AS site
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support
Thank you to everyone for your comments. Sadly I was embarrassed to put all the info on regarding my situation. My Dad was diagnosed 2yrs with Alzheimer’s and lives at home with my Mam in a bungalow that me and my partner purchased for them to make caring for my father easier as previously they were in a terraced property with steep stairs. I actually found my Dad in the car as I drive past and sat with him after realising my Mam was in the bingo! We have now fallen out about this and I will focus my time and my Father and simply have no time for her. She has always been selfish and my father did pretty much all tasks and now he is unable but she hasn’t changed her ways.
I know there is nothing you guys can do for me regarding her attitude but it was a help to hear about the care assessment which I could do on his behalf and then the thought a professional could call on the times I couldn’t. Thank you again for your replies and I am glad not to be alone on this.
I know there is nothing you guys can do for me regarding her attitude but it was a help to hear about the care assessment which I could do on his behalf and then the thought a professional could call on the times I couldn’t. Thank you again for your replies and I am glad not to be alone on this.
We are all learning on this journey whatever stage we are at, some days are better than others -take care
Aw so sorry to hear your situation.
I cared for my husband for 7 years before he went into care April this year.
The first few years he was able to be left at home while I was at work. On my early shifts he would get up late morning was able to walk the dog and visit his mum. On my late shifts I left at 1.45pm and our son came at 4pm and took him to his for dinner with his family. They stayed across the road and would bring him back at 10pm.
As the disease progressed husband would leave doors wide open and leave the house. I would never lock him in or leave him in my car.
5 years into the illness he couldn't be left alone. Our 4 sons helped out until I Took early retirement from my job last August.
We managed to lead a fairly happy life going out to cinema, meals even bingo. He didn't play bingo would never have went before illness, but he was happy to have a meal and soft drinks while I played and meet friends. Could your mum take him into bingo with her, this would allow her to do Something she enjoys and keep your dad safe?
Don't have any answers, plenty of good advice on here.
Hope you find a solution for your difficult situation and your mum and dad get the best care.
Rose x
I cared for my husband for 7 years before he went into care April this year.
The first few years he was able to be left at home while I was at work. On my early shifts he would get up late morning was able to walk the dog and visit his mum. On my late shifts I left at 1.45pm and our son came at 4pm and took him to his for dinner with his family. They stayed across the road and would bring him back at 10pm.
As the disease progressed husband would leave doors wide open and leave the house. I would never lock him in or leave him in my car.
5 years into the illness he couldn't be left alone. Our 4 sons helped out until I Took early retirement from my job last August.
We managed to lead a fairly happy life going out to cinema, meals even bingo. He didn't play bingo would never have went before illness, but he was happy to have a meal and soft drinks while I played and meet friends. Could your mum take him into bingo with her, this would allow her to do Something she enjoys and keep your dad safe?
Don't have any answers, plenty of good advice on here.
Hope you find a solution for your difficult situation and your mum and dad get the best care.
Rose x
My wife no longer expresses any desire to leave our home. She was diagnosed with AD in 2017. She sits "sleeping" or "watching the tv" on the sofa. Yesterday, I did the shopping and she was still where I had left her a couple of hours later (I was unexpectedly delayed).
I too am asking how long can my loved one be left alone?
Is the legal situation akin to leaving a child alone (where there is no specific age but clearly leaving a 3 year old home alone would find you legally sanctioned whilst leaving an 11 year old at home would not) or is it different?
I too am asking how long can my loved one be left alone?
Is the legal situation akin to leaving a child alone (where there is no specific age but clearly leaving a 3 year old home alone would find you legally sanctioned whilst leaving an 11 year old at home would not) or is it different?
This must be difficult and worrying for you. I am not aware of an actual law regarding leaving a person with dementia on their own. However there comes a stage when it is perhaps not safe to do so. Although you say your wife was sleeping/watching TV when you were out something could have happened to distress or annoy her.
If you have not already done so I would suggest that you contact your local authority to arrange a needs assessment for your wife and a carers assessment for yourself. Stress that you need a sitting service so that someone sits with your wife whilst you go shopping.
Does anyone offer to occupy him while she has any time to herself?
Caring is hard,
24/7 is unrealistic.
Maybe you could offer to sit with him/occupy him for the three hours she does bingo , and hour or two while she shops and all the etc's that she needs to do
Get your fathers care needs assessed and get some carers in place so she can have a life. and some support
Hi @Jessbow this is an old thread and the original poster hasn't logged on here since 2019 so you may not get a reply.
Yes, I am busy arranging a needs assessment as the situation has now materially changed from what went before.
You may have to keep pushing them to arrange the assessment, depending on the area you live in there can be a long waiting list for assessments.
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