Mum and I fire fighting Dads dementia which has changed rapidly in 3 wks

[spring38]

Dear DTP,
I am new on here and thank you for the warm welcome. Dad was diagnosed 20 months ago and we have seen a very slow decline in his memory until 4 weeks ago when he didnt recognise my mum. In the last week he has become violent towards my mum when he does not recognise her and has called the police. Mum is 80 and in good health but tiredness taking over. We have registered with Social Services and GP has been good. We are going to get some Day Care arranged but I am afraid that the rapid state of decline will break my mum if she has to put dad into permanent care if she can no longer take care of him 24/7. I am the remaining child (my brother died) and live 1.30 hr drive away and work full time. I know so many people on here will have gone and be going through this too. When dad is okay we have a lovely time together and he has stayed at my house and I have taken him out. When he gets tired he is worse but it is not sundowner as he can be anxious and not recognise mum in the morning too.
Dad is so loving after an episode and apologises but does not fully remember what he has done. It is their 60th wedding anniversary in Sept and we had arranged an afternoon tea for a few friends and dad talks of that being on then off then on then off.
I am not sure what kind of advice I am looking for but any sharing of experiences I think would help. My mum does not have access to the internet so i will be sharing any support I have with her.
thank you in anticipation.
Llewani1

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Llewani1
and welcome to DTP
you're right, it helps a lot to share experiences, so I'm glad you and your mum are joining us here
you seem to be arranging the support you need, which is good
you mention the GP, so I guess your dad has been checked for a UTI, which can affect behaviour
although it's called sundowning, which is when most folk get tired and confusion increases, it can happen at any time, so may be what is happening with your dad
maybe folow the link to the main AS site, at extreme top right of this page, as there's lots of useful info there

 

[spring38]

hello @Llewani1
and welcome to DTP
you're right, it helps a lot to share experiences, so I'm glad you and your mum are joining us here
you seem to be arranging the support you need, which is good
you mention the GP, so I guess your dad has been checked for a UTI, which can affect behaviour
although it's called sundowning, which is when most folk get tired and confusion increases, it can happen at any time, so may be what is happening with your dad
maybe folow the link to the main AS site, at extreme top right of this page, as there's lots of useful info there

thank you so much for your kind advice and help, yes I will follow the main AS site. Dad has been checked for UTI but all clear.

 

[la lucia]

Dear DTP,
I am new on here and thank you for the warm welcome. Dad was diagnosed 20 months ago and we have seen a very slow decline in his memory until 4 weeks ago when he didnt recognise my mum. In the last week he has become violent towards my mum when he does not recognise her and has called the police. Mum is 80 and in good health but tiredness taking over. We have registered with Social Services and GP has been good. We are going to get some Day Care arranged but I am afraid that the rapid state of decline will break my mum if she has to put dad into permanent care if she can no longer take care of him 24/7. I am the remaining child (my brother died) and live 1.30 hr drive away and work full time. I know so many people on here will have gone and be going through this too. When dad is okay we have a lovely time together and he has stayed at my house and I have taken him out. When he gets tired he is worse but it is not sundowner as he can be anxious and not recognise mum in the morning too.
Dad is so loving after an episode and apologises but does not fully remember what he has done. It is their 60th wedding anniversary in Sept and we had arranged an afternoon tea for a few friends and dad talks of that being on then off then on then off.
I am not sure what kind of advice I am looking for but any sharing of experiences I think would help. My mum does not have access to the internet so i will be sharing any support I have with her.
thank you in anticipation.
Llewani1

I think you need to get your dad urgently checked out for a urinary tract infection. You'd be amazed at the potentially dramatic effects they can have on a person who has dementia. And also ensure his fluids are maintained because dehydration can also be dire.

If it isn't down to either of these then ask the GP to try get an urgent referral for the Community Mental Health Team for agitation and behavioural issues. You can flag that your mother is potentially at risk and likely to suffer from carer's breakdown. The CMHT are the experts and some areas allow you to self-refer.

My mum's behaviour improved considerably with appropriate medication and daycare to keep her occupied. I managed to keep her home all the way. But I'm a lot younger than 80. Your mum needs help with your dad urgently for sure. Perhaps you can make the calls? I suspect our parents generation have a tendency to down play these things to outsiders and that's not useful right now. Best of luck. It must be very worrying for you.

 

[marionq]

Remind your Mum that she will still be caring for him even if he does have to go into permanent care. Visiting, encouraging , sharing and looking after his clothes all still matter. Her well being matters too.

Best wishes.

 

[spring38]

I think you need to get your dad urgently checked out for a urinary tract infection. You'd be amazed at the potentially dramatic effects they can have on a person who has dementia. And also ensure his fluids are maintained because dehydration can also be dire.

If it isn't down to either of these then ask the GP to try get an urgent referral for the Community Mental Health Team for agitation and behavioural issues. You can flag that your mother is potentially at risk and likely to suffer from carer's breakdown. The CMHT are the experts and some areas allow you to self-refer.

My mum's behaviour improved considerably with appropriate medication and daycare to keep her occupied. I managed to keep her home all the way. But I'm a lot younger than 80. Your mum needs help with your dad urgently for sure. Perhaps you can make the calls? I suspect our parents generation have a tendency to down play these things to outsiders and that's not useful right now. Best of luck. It must be very worrying for you.

thank you so much for your wonderful advice. We have had dad checked for a UTI and he is clear. Also on Friday the CMHT came to assess dad as i did flag that my mum is potentially at risk. i am so pleased that your mums health improved and we are hoping that we can get my dad stable and I have been helping in making phone calls and 'being insistent' on help. its all very new to us and I cant empahsise enough how helpful this sit is and great support from others like yourself. i have temporal arteritis myself so flag myself on some days and now struggling with tendonopathy bye laterally as a result of the side affects of steroids ... its all come at once. But taking a day at a time and trying to allow dad to live in the moment and enjoy each moment. Lx

 

[spring38]

Remind your Mum that she will still be caring for him even if he does have to go into permanent care. Visiting, encouraging , sharing and looking after his clothes all still matter. Her well being matters too.

Best wishes.

thank you so much. At the moment my mum is slowly accepting what is happening and we have begun to talk about what may happen in the future. She is an incredible lady and never lets my dad down - he would happily be in his scruff casuals every day but mum makes sure he is smart and always happy. I have just spoken to him this morning and he said he felt 100% better ... which is good for him. I need to put things in place for mum so that she feels she still has a bit of a life. Warm wishes L