It sounds to me that you are not getting some well earned rest from this situation. Why do you think you mum will react so badly to a care home? If you are going to wait for a person with dementia to agree with you about a home you will wait forever. The default answer is always going to be no. So when will she be ready as you say you are waiting for her to need residential care. What's your tipping point? If your mum is self funding, you could organise some respite care ,see how it pans out for her,plus give yourself some space. There's going to come a point when her needs outweigh her wants.
Mum isn’t aware that she has dementia per se although she knows that she isn’t well. Before all of this started she made it very clear that she did not want to ever go into a care home, quite vehemently so, In truth, the type of home that she feared, well we’ve seen a few of those in our research and there is no way on this green earth that I would consign my mother to one of those places. We have found a very nice, purpose built home in town that is more like a hotel. It has excellent reviews and we’ve been there three times and each time have been impressed with the set up. And I know it’s coming even if she doesn’t.
But ... but ...
No matter how good the care workers are, they won’t be able to give her the one-on-one care that I do. How will they know when her hearing aid batteries need changing? Will they understand that through her deafness and macular degeneration (registered blind) that unless great attention to her is given she will have profound sensory deprivation? Yes they have “snack stations” but even if she could see them she would never dare help herself, so will she get the tiny things that make her life a little bit more bearable if I am not there to provide them? Etc etc etc on and on. She is shy and doesn’t want to be a nuisance and I can just see multiple situations in which she is lost, confused, anxious perhaps even terrified and she won’t be able to express herself to get the help and support she needs. The very thought of my Mum being bewildered and frightened even for a few weeks by something that I’ve done to her is more than I can bear.
She has good days in which you wouldn’t think that there was anything wrong with her, of course there is the forgetfulness and not being able to take much in but she isn’t anxious. On those days I think this is going to go on for years yet (she is 92, physically quite robust, takes only one tablet per day) and the thought of taking her away from her beloved conservatory is unimaginable. On other days, she’s frail and very confused and can wander and I think she won’t last much longer and if she’s not going to then why put her through the trauma of rehoming her.
Everyone we’ve spoken to at the AS, the care homes, the GPs and even the police (bringing her back from her two early morning wanders) have said that placing her in care with have a substantial negative impact on her condition - can I be responsible for that?
I do see the security aspect and the cleanliness aspect ( she still tries to do her own housework and doesn’t like my interference in how she runs her home) will be great positives. But I look around this lovely facility and just see elderly people sitting in chairs staring vacantly into space and I cannot see her being happy there.
A long reply but thank you for asking me the question as it has made me actually think about why I have this sense of despair about the care home situation. I don’t think I am reacting any differently to 95% of people in this situation, we all go through it but when all is said and done, this is my Mum we are talking about and If it it’s her welfare or mine that matters most, it’s hers.
Knowing I could end the responsibility and stress and having no life and general frustration by committing her to care is very tempting but I just cannot do it yet.