Father in law will not accept help

[Bomberozzy]

My Mother in law was always a strong independent woman who did everything in the house. She had a top job, in the city, looked after her children and enjoyed life. She now has dementia. I noticed it about 5 years ago, but she has only recently been diagnosed. My Father in law has always been a selfish, manipulative, nasty man who expects everything to be done for him. The situation is a nightmare.

As soon as she was diagnosed he sold her car, took away her mobile phone, laptop and any access to money. He now does all the cooking (even though he cannot cook!) She is served slops on a plate at his times. He goes out every night, leaving her alone and goes golfing most days. I try and visit at least once a week but she is going downhill very fast, (I think due to her treatment!) She is like a prisoner in her own home, stays in her bedroom, undressed and unwashed. I took her out today for coffee and cake, I have never seen a woman so sad, depressed, despaired. She asked him for money, as wanted some make up and face cream. A derogatory £5 was handed to her. I jokingly said " where you living 1952?" He bit my head off and told me not to get involved. I took her to Boots and bought her what she needed. She told me he has all her money, she has nothing! I can see this ending very badly.

He now has complete control over everything. Will not accept any help, will not take her anywhere, buys her clothes, refuses to walk the dog, (the dog is now overweight and fur is long)! She is aware of what is happening as was crying today. We don't know what to do, as he will not tell us anything regarding doctors etc. The man is 80 himself soon! I thought a care plan would be in place, but nothing as he will not allow it. This once. strong woman is being left to rot in a bedroom.

 

[Guzelle]

What a terrible situation for her this is Awful. Can you contact social care and her GP and say what he is doing to her. It’s cruel and neglet. Could you take her to live with you for a while. You could take her to the bank and get access to her money and stop him having it. She could even leave and live in a care home where she will be looked after. This situation cannot carry on. I hope you can get her away from him.

 

[la lucia]

I'm assuming they're your partner's parents. What does your partner say? This is abuse, there's no other words for it.

Your mother-in-law has a right to her own money, laptop etc., even if she may need a little assistance or support with it. She has the right to a dignified life. Dementia doesn't change that and in the earlier stages a relatively good quality of life is possible.

My first suggestion would be for your partner to ensure that power of attorney is in place that doesn't include the father-in-law. Obviously, there's a need to be low key about it and certainly get it in place before anything else. I also think a chat with the Alzheimer's Society telephone hotline would be a good idea.

Your father-in-law is going to have to provide more than slops on a plate and perhaps your partner can get social services involved at least for a care assessment although to be honest there's not much they're going to do.

How heart breaking for your mother-in-law to have led such an independent successful life only to face this level of abuse just when she's vulnerable. I hope you can at least take her out as much as possible.

But this is abuse no matter what and the law has recently changed to include coercion and control. That's worth keeping in mind.

 

[Bomberozzy]

What a terrible situation for her this is Awful. Can you contact social care and her GP and say what he is doing to her. It’s cruel and neglet. Could you take her to live with you for a while. You could take her to the bank and get access to her money and stop him having it. She could even leave and live in a care home where she will be looked after. This situation cannot carry on. I hope you can get her away from him.

I will contact the GP tomorrow, but he will not let any social services or carers in, he thinks they are all thieves and being nosy!

 

[Bomberozzy]

I'm assuming they're your partner's parents. What does your partner say? This is abuse, there's no other words for it.

Your mother-in-law has a right to her own money, laptop etc., even if she may need a little assistance or support with it. She has the right to a dignified life. Dementia doesn't change that and in the earlier stages a relatively good quality of life is possible.

My first suggestion would be for your partner to ensure that power of attorney is in place that doesn't include the father-in-law. Obviously, there's a need to be low key about it and certainly get it in place before anything else. I also think a chat with the Alzheimer's Society telephone hotline would be a good idea.

Your father-in-law is going to have to provide more than slops on a plate and perhaps your partner can get social services involved at least for a care assessment although to be honest there's not much they're going to do.

How heart breaking for your mother-in-law to have led such an independent successful life only to face this level of abuse just when she's vulnerable. I hope you can at least take her out as much as possible.

But this is abuse no matter what and the law has recently changed to include coercion and control. That's worth keeping in mind.

Thank you so much for this reply. It is abuse, you are right. My partner and his sibling were also abused (verbally & mentally) by this man. But, their Mother always tried to protect them. Although they are both now on the Autistic scale. I feel I am the only normal one, the outsider looking in but cannot help. The man has complete control. If the family say anything or try to advise him he just flies off the handle! Meanwhile she is locked upstairs, or paraded out, like a Stepford Wife, as if nothing is wrong!

 

[canary]

Im going to play devils advocate here and ask how much of his behaviour have you actually witnessed and how much have you just heard from your MIL?

The reason I ask this is because if your MIL has had dementia for 5 years then she wont be in early stages, she will probably be in the middle stages. I dont doubt that your FIL is not a very pleasant man (and obviously has no idea how much face cream etc costs!), but people in the middle stages of dementia frequently get delusions and usually badmouth their main caregiver. When my mum reached this stage she was convinced that I was stealing from her, that I was only interested in getting her house, that I didnt care about her and that I was shouting at her and hitting her. I do assure you that none of this was true, but I know she would tell the neighbours this and I used to see them looking sideways at me.

In reality I was pulling my hair out because she was not washing or changing her clothes - she said she didnt have any clothes as she was convinced that the clothes in her wardrobe belonged to someone else. She was withdrawing large sums of money and losing it or keeping hundreds of pounds in her pockets and handbag. She would not allow carers in and some days she would not allow me in the house. She was going out of the house and getting lost, even in the middle of the night (very inadequately dressed) and I could not prevent it. She herself was completely unaware that she was doing any of this and would hotly deny it if I pointed it out.

So, you see, there might be good reasons why she is not being allowed out (many people with dementia complain that they are being kept prisoner), or has had her access to money removed. She may well have lost her driving licence and that is why her car has been sold (removing the car is often recommended on these forums).

It does sound though, as your MIL is depressed - it is very common in dementia - and it also sounds as though your FIL is not coping very well

 

[Bomberozzy]

Im going to play devils advocate here and ask how much of his behaviour have you actually witnessed and how much have you just heard from your MIL?

The reason I ask this is because if your MIL has had dementia for 5 years then she wont be in early stages, she will probably be in the middle stages. I dont doubt that your FIL is not a very pleasant man (and obviously has no idea how much face cream etc costs!), but people in the middle stages of dementia frequently get delusions and usually badmouth their main caregiver. When my mum reached this stage she was convinced that I was stealing from her, that I was only interested in getting her house, that I didnt care about her and that I was shouting at her and hitting her. I do assure you that none of this was true, but I know she would tell the neighbours this and I used to see them looking sideways at me.

In reality I was pulling my hair out because she was not washing or changing her clothes - she said she didnt have any clothes as she was convinced that the clothes in her wardrobe belonged to someone else. She was withdrawing large sums of money and losing it or keeping hundreds of pounds in her pockets and handbag. She would not allow carers in and some days she would not allow me in the house. She was going out of the house and getting lost, even in the middle of the night (very inadequately dressed) and I could not prevent it. She herself was completely unaware that she was doing any of this and would hotly deny it if I pointed it out.

So, you see, there might be good reasons why she is not being allowed out (many people with dementia complain that they are being kept prisoner), or has had her access to money removed. She may well have lost her driving licence and that is why her car has been sold (removing the car is often recommended on these forums).

It does sound though, as your MIL is depressed - it is very common in dementia - and it also sounds as though your FIL is not coping very well

Everything true! The situation is horrendous! I want her to come to us, but she will not leave the house she bought. She wants him dead!

 

[Shedrech]

hello @Bomberozzy
and welcome to DTP
it's a good idea to contact your MIL's GP to explain the situation
you can also contact their Local Authority Adult Services and give them all the information you have, tell them you believe your MIL is a vulnerable adult, due to her dementia, and is at risk of neglect through the behaviour of her husband ... Social Services can look into the matter and take action if they consider there to be a safeguarding issue ... they are, though, in a tricky position as adults with capacity can refuse to accept support
you might let your FIL know that his wife has a right to an assessment of her care needs, and he has a right to Carer's Assessment and it may be that the LA will fund any care put in place ... if money motivates him, mention Attendance Allowance receipt of which means a Council Tax exemption can be applied for