First thoughts on visiting my wife in residential care

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northumbrian_k

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Mar 2, 2017
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Newcastle
Nearly 2 weeks into her stay, my wife seems to be settling into her residential home. If not exactly happy she at least seems more content than she was when at home. It is still early days, but things seem to be moving in the right direction.

After a week of not visiting her, I have been to see her every day this week so far, for about an hour each time. It doesn't seem like much of a commitment after caring for her at home every day for 5 years. But I am wondering whether visiting every day is of benefit to either of us. Perhaps I should be shifting the focus of my life so that - whilst visiting her remains important - it is not centred around the visits as it seems to be at the moment. I am not sure whether my visits are beneficial or unsettling for my wife but suspect that they may be neither, just something else that gets forgotten straightaway.

I have not found the visits onerous but, with no real conversation, generally quite boring. It takes only 20 minutes to get there by bike and slightly less by car. Twice I have cycled there and plotted out a variety of different routes for my new commute. Twice I have taken the dog with me. I have been to see her mid-morning so that the call to lunch gives me an easy way to leave and mid-afternoon so the teatime call does likewise. Only once has she tried to follow me out.

My wife has been in good spirits, sits still whilst we talk, has been out for walks and visited a coffee shop with the staff, and had her hair washed and dried by the hairdresser. We have been out in the garden and I took some photographs of her playing the fool, with the kind of smile that I haven't seen in many months. Yesterday a male resident took exception to me being in 'his' house, especially as he was in night shift, and the nonsense conversation that ensued helped to while away the time. My wife told me she was clean and that her bed is very comfortable. She sometimes seems to know that she is not at home but without being bothered by it.

I have learned a few things. My wife has rarely mentioned going 'home'. After an initial effusive greeting she has paid little attention to the dog or asked about him when he isn't with me. Taking the dog just seems to give her something to nag me about (has he been fed?, is he tired?, does he need a walk? etc.) so I’m not sure whether I’ll do it very often. Her major concern has been to visit her gran who she now believes lives in the cottages across the way. Apart from the new location, this is no change from when she was living here with me. It seems that she has almost given up asking where K is, a great relief as she used to ask this of me all the time. Her interminable conversations with herself and muttering rudely under her breath about all and sundry seem reduced. Her anxiety at living under the surveillance of the (imaginary) dog-snatchers seems to have gone. With no stairs to go up, her need to go upstairs to 'wash her hands' or 'look for another coat' has lessened. Her penchant for wearing excess layers of clothes is undiminished.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
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Scotland
All sounds pretty good to me. Try going every second day and see how that works out. Give yourself a chance to live again.
 

Sirena

Registered User
Feb 27, 2018
2,324
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I agree with Marion, try going every other day.

I'm in a different situation because it's my mother in the CH, and we never saw each other very much, so I only visit once a fortnight - but yes visits are fairly boring. Her language skills deteriorated long ago, so I have to do all the talking and her replies rarely make sense, so not a conversation but an interaction of sorts.

We need a focus for the interaction so I take a magazine so we can go through the photos and comment on them (she loves animals, so I take a cat/dog magazine). Otherwise, I go during Music for Health afternoon as that provides a focus, I get to hear some nice music and watch the residents enjoying it - and we don't need to talk!
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
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Kent
It sounds good to me too @northumbrian_k. In fact it seems there is a big improvement all round for your wife.

I used to visit on alternate days and our son visited at the weekend.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,911
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I am pleased she is settling down. Let like flow a bit, go at different times and days. Breathe x
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
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South coast
It sounds like she is settling nicely.
Visit as often as you want - whether that is every day, or much less. Whatever works for you.
You have to adjust to her moving into a care home as much as you wife does, you know.
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
4,415
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Newcastle
Thanks all for your sound advice. I had a day off from visiting yesterday and enjoyed my day with Knight by my side. I am just back from visiting her this morning. She was out when I got there, so I was able to retrieve her suitcase and some tops for more permanent labelling. A staff member gave me most of my wife's rings as she was starting to lose them. I could never get her to take them off. I took in some personal history notes for her care plan and a memory file that we put together last year. I also took in the Robert Opie scrapbooks of the 1950s and 1960s for the lady who does the reminiscence work. My wife never showed much interest in them but some of the other residents might.

My wife came back from church - something that she has not done in her adult life - just before lunch. She was in a lovely mood and we had a precious few minutes together in her room. She wanted me to see it because she likes it so much. She then helped the other residents into the dining room like a mother hen. It was lovely to see her happy although it has left me feeling rather emotional.
 

Antipat

Registered User
May 20, 2019
16
0
Nearly 2 weeks into her stay, my wife seems to be settling into her residential home. If not exactly happy she at least seems more content than she was when at home. It is still early days, but things seem to be moving in the right direction.

After a week of not visiting her, I have been to see her every day this week so far, for about an hour each time. It doesn't seem like much of a commitment after caring for her at home every day for 5 years. But I am wondering whether visiting every day is of benefit to either of us. Perhaps I should be shifting the focus of my life so that - whilst visiting her remains important - it is not centred around the visits as it seems to be at the moment. I am not sure whether my visits are beneficial or unsettling for my wife but suspect that they may be neither, just something else that gets forgotten straightaway.

I have not found the visits onerous but, with no real conversation, generally quite boring. It takes only 20 minutes to get there by bike and slightly less by car. Twice I have cycled there and plotted out a variety of different routes for my new commute. Twice I have taken the dog with me. I have been to see her mid-morning so that the call to lunch gives me an easy way to leave and mid-afternoon so the teatime call does likewise. Only once has she tried to follow me out.

My wife has been in good spirits, sits still whilst we talk, has been out for walks and visited a coffee shop with the staff, and had her hair washed and dried by the hairdresser. We have been out in the garden and I took some photographs of her playing the fool, with the kind of smile that I haven't seen in many months. Yesterday a male resident took exception to me being in 'his' house, especially as he was in night shift, and the nonsense conversation that ensued helped to while away the time. My wife told me she was clean and that her bed is very comfortable. She sometimes seems to know that she is not at home but without being bothered by it.

I have learned a few things. My wife has rarely mentioned going 'home'. After an initial effusive greeting she has paid little attention to the dog or asked about him when he isn't with me. Taking the dog just seems to give her something to nag me about (has he been fed?, is he tired?, does he need a walk? etc.) so I’m not sure whether I’ll do it very often. Her major concern has been to visit her gran who she now believes lives in the cottages across the way. Apart from the new location, this is no change from when she was living here with me. It seems that she has almost given up asking where K is, a great relief as she used to ask this of me all the time. Her interminable conversations with herself and muttering rudely under her breath about all and sundry seem reduced. Her anxiety at living under the surveillance of the (imaginary) dog-snatchers seems to have gone. With no stairs to go up, her need to go upstairs to 'wash her hands' or 'look for another coat' has lessened. Her penchant for wearing excess layers of clothes is undiminished.
I am taking my husband to the care home tomorrow. I am torn up about it. I want a rest, it has been a very difficult time the last year or so. You said you went a week without a visit, and I thought that is what I should do also. I would like him to settle in before he sees me. Such a hard thing to do, but I so need a rest.
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
4,415
0
Newcastle
Best of luck @Antipat. It sounds like you deserve a rest. The home my wife went to said it would be best to let her settle for a few days before visiting. I had a commitment on the Sunday anyway so it was a full week before I visited her. I need not have worried about this as it seemed that my wife took to the place quite quickly. I telephoned twice during the first week and was reassured by what the staff told me. Happily this was borne out when I did visit.

As soon as she had gone to the home it struck me just how much I had been doing to keep us on a somewhat tilted keel, how many adaptations I had made, and how much I had given up of normal life. I knew almost straightaway that her 'trial period' was going to be extended into a permanent stay. So far it seems to have done us both some good.

I hope that it works out for you and your husband too.
 

Antipat

Registered User
May 20, 2019
16
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Best of luck @Antipat. It sounds like you deserve a rest. The home my wife went to said it would be best to let her settle for a few days before visiting. I had a commitment on the Sunday anyway so it was a full week before I visited her. I need not have worried about this as it seemed that my wife took to the place quite quickly. I telephoned twice during the first week and was reassured by what the staff told me. Happily this was borne out when I did visit.

As soon as she had gone to the home it struck me just how much I had been doing to keep us on a somewhat tilted keel, how many adaptations I had made, and how much I had given up of normal life. I knew almost straightaway that her 'trial period' was going to be extended into a permanent stay. So far it seems to have done us both some good.

I hope that it works out for you and your husband too.
Thanks for the response. I felt it might be best to stay away too... but it is not going to be easy. I do understand what you mean about staying on a tilted keel and making adaptations . Seems I seldom do anything that is normal, like walk out the door without prior planning... He follows me everywhere.
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
4,415
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Newcastle
Since last October we have been used to having a hairdresser coming to the house to do my wife's hair. She is a lovely young lady and very empathetic and her visits were a highlight (pun intended) in our otherwise boring routine.

The home uses a different hairdresser who said on Friday that she could give my wife's hair a cut and colour next time she is there (she goes every 2 weeks). I telephoned our hairdresser this morning to cancel all future appointments and to find out the right colour for my wife's hair. We had quite a long conversation which has left me feeling emotional again.
 

Susan11

Registered User
Nov 18, 2018
5,064
0
Since last October we have been used to having a hairdresser coming to the house to do my wife's hair. She is a lovely young lady and very empathetic and her visits were a highlight (pun intended) in our otherwise boring routine.

The home uses a different hairdresser who said on Friday that she could give my wife's hair a cut and colour next time she is there (she goes every 2 weeks). I telephoned our hairdresser this morning to cancel all future appointments and to find out the right colour for my wife's hair. We had quite a long conversation which has left me feeling emotional again.

I arranged for my Mum's hairdresser to go into the CH to do Mum's hair. She has known Mum for 20 years and can also give me an independent view of how Mum is doing as i live so far away.
Best wishes Susan
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
4,415
0
Newcastle
Thanks @Susan11 and @Canadian Joanne. It will not matter to my wife who does her hair as she can't remember from one appointment to the next. I am sure that the hairdresser used by the home is perfectly capable and is well used to dealing with the various manifestations of dementia.

On a different note, the residents are off on a trip to a farm today so I'm hoping that the weather holds. Some family members/carers are helping out but I feel that I'm not quite ready for that yet. It would be good to get involved at some future point though ...
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
I think that you are right to give yourself a break. It could also be confusing for your wife.
Im sure the time will come.
 

northumbrian_k

Volunteer Host
Mar 2, 2017
4,415
0
Newcastle
She enjoyed the farm visit last week and is continuing to settle into her new way of life. Some days are better than others but that has been so for a long time.

I visited this afternoon but did not stay long as she was absorbed in a game of dominoes. At home she would not sit still long enough to begin a game never mind play one. Although she will not remember playing it seems like a big improvement in her quality of life.
 
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