I just wanted to comment because my Dad is aggressive too. Things that helped us through.
1. My parents’ local authority has a specialist dementia nurse. She totally rocks. She was brilliant and really helped us. It might be worth seeing if your local mental health team has a dedicated dementia nurse because they understand what you are going through.
2. It might be worth calling social services and getting an emergency assessment. We had that for Dad, along with a visit from the emergency dementia team. Although Dad had just moved from being self-funded to fully-funded which may have facilitated this.
3. Rest assured there are specialist nursing homes for Dementia. My Dad has just arrived in one. It is full of people who are also aggressive and sweary. The home is very relaxed and laid back. They keep a very firm eye on the residents and any argy-bargy is sorted at once, without fuss. It looks a bit run down but the atmosphere there is buzzing, like a happy school and the staff are incredibly patient and kind. Dad’s room is very small but it has a lovely view and all the residents are got up and brought downstairs to interact every day. They all are placed in a series of sunlounges and matched carefully so that any potential for trouble is minimised. They have activities and trips out. There is a large, enclosed garden for them to walk in in the summer. Their shoutiness is treated like a physical disability, something that has to be dealt with but, at the same time, as if it’s of no great account. I cannot tell you how wonderful this was for Mum, my brother and I. Also it was wonderful to hear other people telling the carer’s to eff off and to know it was not just Dad.
The effect this has had on Dad is amazing. He is calm, he still gets shouty and sweary but for much shorter periods. At home he had spent whole days shouting and screaming and telling us to f**k off, not knowing who we were or where he was, thinking his home was a house he lived in aged 6 and 7. In his new nursing home, with others like him, it’s as if the pressure to conform is off. He is calm. He remembers who we are. He knows that the house where Mum still lives is his old home.
There is a website for homes that’s a bit like Trip Advisor, where people can leave reviews and you can get a pretty good idea from what is said if it is a good fit. If you ring the social work duty desk they may be able to recommend some homes for you or point you to a list/website of local authority homes which will make a good place to start.
When you visit, I’m sure you know this but when the residents say hello it’s a good sign. There will be explosions of shoutiness, that’s the nature of the disease but when they happen, are they over quickly and is everyone, generally, cheery? What are the staff like? Does it feel like an institution or someone’s house? Or maybe a happy school or nursery. Does it smell and if so, what of?
I so feel for you but a) there is light at the end of the tunnel and b) a massive, massive majority of Alzheimer’s patients seem to get aggressive and shouty. For us, knowing Dad wasn’t the only one like this was such a weight lifted.
Sorry, this is a bit waffly but I hope some of the things I’ve said help.
Cheers
MTM