Getting Dad into Care

[JLO21]

My Dad, whose Alzheimer’s seems to be progressing very quickly now, has become a danger not only to himself but also my mum. He is trying to throw her out of the house every night and has become more and more aggressive. My mum, who is 80, has her own health issues, isn’t mobile and can no longer cope.
We have managed to get the mental health team and a social worker involved now and the SW is very concerned for my mum’s safety.
This morning they have confirmed that they will fund 2 week’s respite in a home that specialises with dementia. Trouble is my dad has no insight into his condition and will not go voluntarily which means we are going to have to use a bit of subterfuge to get him there. Looks like Wednesday is the day once the home have been to assess him to make sure they think they can cope with him.
Mum however is now worried they are going to send him home again after the 2 weeks is up. They have no savings and the mental health nurse is all for him staying at home despite the fact there are now clear safeguarding issues.
My parents don’t have any savings and the only asset is the house. I don’t know which way to turn and I myself have now been signed off work with stress as I try to deal with all this.
Any suggestions and shared experience from other members would be appreciated.

 

[margherita]

Hi @JLO21,
I feel for you and your mum.
I'm afraid I can't give you any practical advice because I don't live in the UK, but hope someone here can help you .

 

[karaokePete]

If you don't get replies from members with experience of the situation it may be useful to talk to the experts on the helpline, details of which are
National Dementia Helpline
0300 222 11 22
Our helpline advisers are here for you.
Helpline opening hours:
Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm

 

[kindred]

My Dad, whose Alzheimer’s seems to be progressing very quickly now, has become a danger not only to himself but also my mum. He is trying to throw her out of the house every night and has become more and more aggressive. My mum, who is 80, has her own health issues, isn’t mobile and can no longer cope.
We have managed to get the mental health team and a social worker involved now and the SW is very concerned for my mum’s safety.
This morning they have confirmed that they will fund 2 week’s respite in a home that specialises with dementia. Trouble is my dad has no insight into his condition and will not go voluntarily which means we are going to have to use a bit of subterfuge to get him there. Looks like Wednesday is the day once the home have been to assess him to make sure they think they can cope with him.
Mum however is now worried they are going to send him home again after the 2 weeks is up. They have no savings and the mental health nurse is all for him staying at home despite the fact there are now clear safeguarding issues.
My parents don’t have any savings and the only asset is the house. I don’t know which way to turn and I myself have now been signed off work with stress as I try to deal with all this.
Any suggestions and shared experience from other members would be appreciated.

They may not send him home. Meanwhile, please stress that your mum is also a vulnerable adult and this is too much for her to cope with. The authorities are nearly always in favour of people staying at home, for many reasons, but your health and your mum's are going to suffer, sweetheart. As I understand it, and other members will know more, the house will be disregarded as your mother is living in it, so your father will be assessed financially on his own account and it will be up to LA funding. But do not think of this first, think of stressing vulnerable adult first. You could ask for a best interest meeting and this of course, will be the best interests of your dad, but it may well be that they can see his best interests are served by remaining in a home to be cared for by a team of people. with warmest wishes, Kindred.

 

[Bunpoots]

When the SS wanted to send my dad back home to live alone “in the hope that he would improve in familiar surroundings” when it was clearly unsafe for him to be there I had to dig my heels in to stop it happening.

But he didn’t go home.

My best advise to you is to be very very determined that your mum will not accept your dad home again. I know this has worked for other people too.
Point out that your mum is at risk of serious harm or worse if your dad is returned home and that you will hold whoever makes that decision responsible should harm occur.

As kindred has said, there are 2 vulnerable adults to consider in this situation.

And definitely phone the helpline as suggested. I found their advice and support invaluable.

 

[70smand]

I have every sympathy for you and have been in the exact situation you are in with my dad with Alzheimer’s and my mum at risk. He could be so lovely one hour and suddenly paranoid and aggressive the next on a daily basis. I was on call 24 hours a day to rush round and calm him down and I was at my wits end worrying about my mum too.
If the sw is concerned for your mum 2 weeks respite won’t change anything and they should support you with whatever is necessary to keep your mum and dad safe. My dad was also in denial there was anything wrong with him and when mum finally decided she could no longer cope we could not get him to go to a home and stay there for longer than an hour without turning aggressive and trying to break the doors down and escape. In the end he ended up going in to a psychiatric unit, with help from the psychiatric team and social workers. There they gave him medication to calm his mood, which, was not without problems either, but did enable us to then find a home for him. Self funding or not should not come into it. My dad was self funding for about 8 months until his savings hit the threshold and to start with that hindered us as we were told to find him somewhere and left to get on with it. It was only after a few desperate calls and a very sympathetic SW who helped get us the support we needed for dad, and also reports from the police, who had been called on several occasions.
I wish you all the very best and if there is any advice I can give is to keep stressing how bad the situation is. My dad always appeared ok when anyone visited to assess him but in the end I had to video him kicking off and show the sw to prove how awful and scary the situation was. This made awful viewing as this was not the loving dad and husband we knew and loved.

 

[JLO21]

Thank you for all of your replies, whilst I am obviously sad that you have all been through similar experiences it is sort of reassuring to know that I am not the only one to go through this. Your replies have been really helpful so thank you again.
Today has been the most stressful and distressing day of my life. We had to lie to my Dad to get him in the car to get him to the home. He wasn’t too bad until it dawned on him that he was staying there. He then kicked off big time which was obviously really upsetting for me. I have to say that the staff were absolutely brilliant and tried eveythey could to distract him at the same time as gently removing me from the situation and calming me down as I was sobbing. Because we had lied to him and hadn’t taken any possessions I had to go back to their house, pack a bag and then take them back to the home. I didn’t want to see him when I went back so I feel guilty that I abandoned him and that I didn’t even say goodbye to him. When I went back the staff assured me that he had calmed down but told me that he still hadn’t taken his coat off!
I am just hoping that he forgets that I lied to him and abandoned him. I feel like I have been hit by a truck today

 

[karaokePete]

Please don't feel that you have abandoned your Dad.

You have acted in his best interests and people often don't say goodbye in a Care Home setting as that can cause upset to the loved one. It's best that they aren't being given the impression of abandonment in this out of sight, out of mind way.

Many Care Homes suggest not visiting for a while so that the person settles.

 

[70smand]

I’m so sorry you feel so bad. You are doing everything you can to do the best for your mum and dad. I really do know how you feel, as do so many others on here but if you think about giving advice to a best friend in your situation you know you are doing the right thing.
My dad went from a psychiatric unit to a nursing home, where he has been for two years now, and as awful as I felt at the time our situation is the best it can be now and my mum and dad are safe. And although this path is not what we would have chosen I now see so many loving and tender moments between my mum and dad, which was difficult when mum was caring for dad at home.
Please be gentle with yourself too. On setting out to visit my dad on his second day in his care home I crashed my car half a mile from my house. It was a stupid error and luckily no one was hurt, but I was so stressed and not sleeping that I realise I shouldn’t have driven that evening.
You are doing an amazing job supporting your mum and dad and keeping them safe. I wish you all the best and hope it goes ok for your dad in the home. If you are concerned keep a log of events and get feedback from the carehome staff.
Not sure a virtual hug is of any use but I’m sending you one anyway x