TIPPING POINT

Littlebear

Registered User
Jan 6, 2017
133
0
Devon
I've just come across this forum. My biggest bugbear is not with my husband (although we do have our moments) but with family, friends, doctors & other professionals who tell me I must make time for myself but never tell me how I'm meant to do this. My husband get extremely anxious if I'm as much as out of his sight for a few minutes. He follows me everywhere. On the very few occasions when I have to go somewhere on my own by the time I return he is incandescent with rage which can take hours if not days to subside so it really isn't worth the effort of trying to do something on my own for pleasure. In a normal relationship his behaviour would be classified as mental abuse / coercive control but there's nothing normal about our lives.
 

Sad Staffs

Registered User
Jun 26, 2018
696
0
I've just come across this forum. My biggest bugbear is not with my husband (although we do have our moments) but with family, friends, doctors & other professionals who tell me I must make time for myself but never tell me how I'm meant to do this. My husband get extremely anxious if I'm as much as out of his sight for a few minutes. He follows me everywhere. On the very few occasions when I have to go somewhere on my own by the time I return he is incandescent with rage which can take hours if not days to subside so it really isn't worth the effort of trying to do something on my own for pleasure. In a normal relationship his behaviour would be classified as mental abuse / coercive control but there's nothing normal about our lives.
Thank you @Littlebear you have said everything that I think and that happens here. It’s stifling, it strangles me.
It constantly surprises me that there are people like you that experience what I do and feel as I do. It’s such a shame that we are spread across the country, and even further afield.
Because I know how you feel....
Love B xx
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,911
0
I hope there was no more washing.
Yes, the day went well, a quiet start followed a delicious meal. It was good to have it cooked for me, we all ate too much as there was such a variety.
Followed by some silly games, rules adapted to suit conditions! Ages from 7 to 88.
It caused a lot of laughter.
Both tired but looking forward to seeing other daughter and part of her family tomorrow. Again our eldest is doing the catering, so fairly easy! I will try to get back to normal after that.
I hope it is going well for you. Alice
I've just come across this forum. My biggest bugbear is not with my husband (although we do have our moments) but with family, friends, doctors & other professionals who tell me I must make time for myself but never tell me how I'm meant to do this. My husband get extremely anxious if I'm as much as out of his sight for a few minutes. He follows me everywhere. On the very few occasions when I have to go somewhere on my own by the time I return he is incandescent with rage which can take hours if not days to subside so it really isn't worth the effort of trying to do something on my own for pleasure. In a normal relationship his behaviour would be classified as mental abuse / coercive control but there's nothing normal about our lives.
Thank you @Littlebear you have said everything that I think and that happens here. It’s stifling, it strangles me.
It constantly surprises me that there are people like you that experience what I do and feel as I do. It’s such a shame that we are spread across the country, and even further afield.
Because I know how you feel....
Love B xx
I've just come across this forum. My biggest bugbear is not with my husband (although we do have our moments) but with family, friends, doctors & other professionals who tell me I must make time for myself but never tell me how I'm meant to do this. My husband get extremely anxious if I'm as much as out of his sight for a few minutes. He follows me everywhere. On the very few occasions when I have to go somewhere on my own by the time I return he is incandescent with rage which can take hours if not days to subside so it really isn't worth the effort of trying to do something on my own for pleasure. In a normal relationship his behaviour would be classified as mental abuse / coercive control but there's nothing normal about our lives.
I've just come across this forum. My biggest bugbear is not with my husband (although we do have our moments) but with family, friends, doctors & other professionals who tell me I must make time for myself but never tell me how I'm meant to do this. My husband get extremely anxious if I'm as much as out of his sight for a few minutes. He follows me everywhere. On the very few occasions when I have to go somewhere on my own by the time I return he is incandescent with rage which can take hours if not days to subside so it really isn't worth the effort of trying to do something on my own for pleasure. In a normal relationship his behaviour would be classified as mental abuse / coercive control but there's nothing normal about our lives.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,911
0
I think many of us would feel better if people did not give us so much advice about what we need to to do, it is frustrating to be told to get out, exercise more ..........the list goes on!
Those who give it seldom offer to help us achieve it in any case.
We all have to find the best way of coping with life throws at us, how we do this is individual none can tell us how.
It is hard to adjust, it is difficult to explain to others. I wish you well, it is a steep learning curb
Look after yourself in every way possible.
.
 
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Starbright

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
572
0
@AliceA ..I so agree with you ...I think..people just don’t know and with the best will in the world how could they, if they haven’t had first hand knowledge of this utterly cruel disease .

On a lighter note I have all of Victoria Hislop books but my favourite has always been The Island.

Take Care A x
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,911
0
You too, I like hers too, we have most of them if not all. I have a soft spot for the Island, Such bravery.
We seem the new lepers, sometimes.
I am finding fitting in reading time difficult.
This Christmas we have been watching children's films. Far cry from going to lectures together but horses for courses! Now Christmas and expectations are over we can relax into the new normal routines.
Just have to keep positive and look for small joys

Good to hear from you. X
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,534
0
N Ireland
I realised this about 18 months agoi- long word, but I do keep reading the definition - and it does help me - not to understand, but to realise that it is part of the disease. In his eyes, I am not his carer, I am not his next of kin, he can manage on his own - wonder why I am here at all.....

Be wary of putting that to the test. I had that sort of conversation with my wife about a year ago and I said I would let her get on with it then. Within a few hours she was double medicating herself.

I don't know what I was trying to prove, perhaps it was just total exasperation, but it taught me a lesson.

My wife still thinks she does everything and I just leave her with that illusion and quietly work around her.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,534
0
N Ireland
@karaokePete i loathe that song. My father in law’s name and his self important belief it was his song. An insensitive, uncaring twerp who didn’t deserve any song. I am gnashing my teeth as I type. Lol
It was the first, and probably last time I'll sing it!!

At least it was just an in-law who was an insensitive, uncaring twerp. My father was that and a lot more besides - although he wasn't called Danny. :)
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,534
0
N Ireland
Hi @AliceA, yes I managed to get the bed washed and dried yesterday.

Things are back to normal today and we both enjoyed feeding tinned cat food with heart and turkey to the 2 colonies of feral cats that I feed daily while here in Cyprus.
 

Starbright

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
572
0
Danny Boy ...my youngest and family live in Australia and on hearing the first few beats of that tune I’m a gonna
Just can’t listen to it anymore :(
A x
 

Dutchman

Registered User
May 26, 2017
2,348
0
76
Devon, Totnes
Thankyou, Dutchman, I have just been looking at Christmas pictures posted on facebook, of various parts of my family. Brother 250 miles away, son 420 miles away, crowds of people, lots of fun - makes me sad. I only saw the carer yesterday - I watched 5 episodes of The Chase one after the other, with my OH. Then a Dad's Army I have seen umpteen times before. Not much fun living with a PWD, is it? He had his lunch, and then did not speak to me for much of the day...just how he is.
Well, today will be better. Daughter. with her husband and 2 little people, coming over - so that will be lovely...
Then back to what passes as normal.
I have lined up a few things for myself in the coming year - I have to - one is a trip to see brother, another to see son, another to see Paul Jones in the Blues Band - so things will be better.

Seasons Greetings to you !
So, we went today from our daughter to another member of the family who had invited the other half of the tribe for eats. We get there, exchange presents which for some reason my wife doesn’t want to open, and then straight after a plate of various bits mouths silently to me ‘ I want to go’. I say no, she pulls a face, my other daughter says stay firm, I say problem is that I won’t be enjoying myself now as mums extremely anxious. So we leave and it all seems so rude and ungrateful. So I fumed most of the way home and felt disappointed, that my life is ruined, you know etc,etc. I look around at rest of my normal family and say to myself ‘why me’, where’s my normality, oh for some straightforward reasoned behaviour.
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,634
0
South of the Border
So, we went today from our daughter to another member of the family who had invited the other half of the tribe for eats. We get there, exchange presents which for some reason my wife doesn’t want to open, and then straight after a plate of various bits mouths silently to me ‘ I want to go’. I say no, she pulls a face, my other daughter says stay firm, I say problem is that I won’t be enjoying myself now as mums extremely anxious. So we leave and it all seems so rude and ungrateful. So I fumed most of the way home and felt disappointed, that my life is ruined, you know etc,etc. I look around at rest of my normal family and say to myself ‘why me’, where’s my normality, oh for some straightforward reasoned behaviour.
I know how you feel.... I have a friend, who worked hard with their small farm all their lives, subsistence level farming, no money, no holidays just very hard work. She made own bread, cheese, butter etc etc.. Just as they not only retired and sold the farm ( which had been bought for them, so no mortgage) and she inherited also a large trust - when he had a devastating stroke and almost died.
They are lovely folk, brought up 3 sons, and now he is gravely disabled. Someone asked him "Why you?" and he answered "Why not?" His reply grounds me when I am feeling lost and adrift.
 

Littlebear

Registered User
Jan 6, 2017
133
0
Devon
I say problem is that I won’t be enjoying myself now as mums extremely anxious. So we leave and it all seems so rude and ungrateful. So I fumed most of the way home and felt disappointed, that my life is ruined, you know etc,etc. I look around at rest of my normal family and say to myself ‘why me’, where’s my normality, oh for some straightforward reasoned behaviour.

I understand your feelings so well. So often my husband will ruin something enjoyable with his anger which takes many forms - pre dementia he never got angry, he was kind & gentle so nothing prepared me for this. He's been angry all day today - probably tired from yesterday but I've had to tiptoe around him all day trying to keep things calm. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode but know that will only make him worse & so I quietly fume & wish for a different life.
 

AliceA

Registered User
May 27, 2016
2,911
0
I am going to sound very unsympathetic as if I do not understand at all.
I have found from a long life of ups and downs that wishing things to be different is like constantly picking a scab and wondering why it still hurts.
Expecting things to be different will not change a thing.
Communication is not verbal but emotional if we are wanting other things, another life, this is conveyed emotionally especially when one is in a close relationship.
Children before speech tap into to our moods, this happens with brain conditions too.
So our dissatisfaction can cause unformed dissatisfaction in the other and it affects their mood so spirals into an emotion that they can form.

This is why it is important we care for ourselves, that we do what we can when we can.
Society expects rights, nothing wrong in that per say. The problem seems to be on a personal level when we set up unattainable expectations.
We have to either get out of the situation and bear the consequences of that decision, remembering problems seem to go with us.
Or we stay, if we stay we have to accept the consequences of that too.

I am certainly not offering that there there is an easy answer. We all have to struggle with this, it hurts me to see people damaging theirself more than needed. In past we would have enjoyed the Christsmas lectures, last night tire out we watched the Midnight Club!

We used to have a saying about making the best out of a bad job.
Perhaps that will get us through, rather like instead of crying for the moon we enjoy a balloon on a string.
On Christmas Day I spoke to a friend, her husband suddenly died a couple of years ago about this time.
She said she was grateful she did not have to care and felt sorry for those who do.She could concentrate on her own needs but she missed her husband to bits. Another friend said she missed just holding hands.
This is our dilemma, I am grateful I still have mine, I hope to keep mine close. I do not expect because it put me in a more vulnerable position than I am in now.

Maryjoan had a good answer in why me - why not?
Much of what I write is a reminder to myself.
This is my actual life, do not make it more difficult than it is.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Well said @AliceA
I think one of the hardest lessons to learn (and Im still learning it) is that we cannot fix them nor bring them back into our world. Things that OH would have once liked and enjoyed are now beyond him and have to be left behind. Our son invited us to stay with his family over Christmas, but I knew OH would not have been able to cope, so I sadly declined. Actually, everyone came here for Christmas day, which was lovely, but OH only coped by going up to his room for a lot of the day - and he nearly missed the Christmas dinner, too!

I have to arrange things around OH and organise things to his level of ability. It is sad that we cannot do the things we once did and I am constantly having to work out new ways. Holidays are a thing of the past and I now know that staying with family is too. Another thing to let go, but graciously and without resentment (I am still learning)
 

maryjoan

Registered User
Mar 25, 2017
1,634
0
South of the Border
I am going to sound very unsympathetic as if I do not understand at all.
I have found from a long life of ups and downs that wishing things to be different is like constantly picking a scab and wondering why it still hurts.
Expecting things to be different will not change a thing.
Communication is not verbal but emotional if we are wanting other things, another life, this is conveyed emotionally especially when one is in a close relationship.
Children before speech tap into to our moods, this happens with brain conditions too.
So our dissatisfaction can cause unformed dissatisfaction in the other and it affects their mood so spirals into an emotion that they can form.

This is why it is important we care for ourselves, that we do what we can when we can.
Society expects rights, nothing wrong in that per say. The problem seems to be on a personal level when we set up unattainable expectations.
We have to either get out of the situation and bear the consequences of that decision, remembering problems seem to go with us.
Or we stay, if we stay we have to accept the consequences of that too.

I am certainly not offering that there there is an easy answer. We all have to struggle with this, it hurts me to see people damaging theirself more than needed. In past we would have enjoyed the Christsmas lectures, last night tire out we watched the Midnight Club!

We used to have a saying about making the best out of a bad job.
Perhaps that will get us through, rather like instead of crying for the moon we enjoy a balloon on a string.
On Christmas Day I spoke to a friend, her husband suddenly died a couple of years ago about this time.
She said she was grateful she did not have to care and felt sorry for those who do.She could concentrate on her own needs but she missed her husband to bits. Another friend said she missed just holding hands.
This is our dilemma, I am grateful I still have mine, I hope to keep mine close. I do not expect because it put me in a more vulnerable position than I am in now.

Maryjoan had a good answer in why me - why not?
Much of what I write is a reminder to myself.
This is my actual life, do not make it more difficult than it is.

I have spent almost 2 years wallowing in the unfairness of what has happened to us - and have been fairly closed to how OH is feeling, because he seems not to feel anything very much any more. All my life I have struggled to make a success of myself and been knocked back, ridiculed by mother, and brother, - just when I had a business I loved, was really good at and the recession started. I nurtured my business through it - doing without, and living simply - I survived.

Just starting on the upwards again, and the disaster that is my partner's various conditions struck - I was angry, for him, for me and for my business.

I have lost the one that was him, and almost everything else.

But I am picking myself up - I have realised there are things I can do. I am asking people to help me - be it carers, or his son. Result I have 4 little treats planned between now and the end of March. Life is becoming livable again - just a little bit at a time.

I was once told when a child that when things seemed tough to think of the poor little children in Africa who had nothing at all.

I do, and feel more blessed. It is not what I/we do not have, but what we do have, that matters.
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,534
0
N Ireland
Well said Alice. An on-line course I did recently made the very point that you made about a PWD picking up on emotions. Apparently it gets highly developed because its their only method of effective communication. I always remain positive.

When you used this analogy " is like constantly picking a scab and wondering why it still hurts." it made me cringe for personal reasons as that's what my wife has been doing for a year now - I've mentioned it elsewhere on the forum and what a year I've had with it. The state of her was dreadful at times. I'm on top of it now though, after trying every trick in the book, and I just hope all the scars fade.

To stay on topic, my Tipping Point yesterday concerned the date. As usual I had spent much of the day answering the 'What day is it' question and had been telling my wife 'It's Boxing Day' as a reply. In the evening my wife went to bed for a nap and I retreated to the bathroom for a shave & shower. I had just got under the shower when my wife started calling from the bedroom. Thinking we has a crisis a dripping wet Pete went to the bedroom to be met with "Is this Boxing Day?" I just turned around and went back to the shower muttering under my breath like Dick Dastardly's dog. :rolleyes:
 

Martarita

Registered User
May 11, 2018
112
0
Well said Alice. An on-line course I did recently made the very point that you made about a PWD picking up on emotions. Apparently it gets highly developed because its their only method of effective communication. I always remain positive.

When you used this analogy " is like constantly picking a scab and wondering why it still hurts." it made me cringe for personal reasons as that's what my wife has been doing for a year now - I've mentioned it elsewhere on the forum and what a year I've had with it. The state of her was dreadful at times. I'm on top of it now though, after trying every trick in the book, and I just hope all the scars fade.

To stay on topic, my Tipping Point yesterday concerned the date. As usual I had spent much of the day answering the 'What day is it' question and had been telling my wife 'It's Boxing Day' as a reply. In the evening my wife went to bed for a nap and I retreated to the bathroom for a shave & shower. I had just got under the shower when my wife started calling from the bedroom. Thinking we has a crisis a dripping wet Pete went to the bedroom to be met with "Is this Boxing Day?" I just turned around and went back to the shower muttering under my breath like Dick Dastardly's dog. :rolleyes:
OH dear that's just what happened to me just got in the shower lathered up with bubbles and then my OH started to shout for me thinking the same as you , jumped out dripping wet through and he said he just wonderd where I was .Its not been a good Christmas i made a lovely Christmas dinner just for the 2 of us but he couldn't eat it as he was feeling poorly,I didn't eat it I was to upset,I've been so worried about him he's not eating he seems very anxious and agitated not sleeping keeps wanting to straighten the bed clothes through the night ,wanting to know where I am all the time ,shouting my name if he can't see me , I think the cold that he's got is affecting him so I've got an appointment at the doctors this morning just to make sure it's nothing bad and I know what I'm dealing with .sorry for going on , I know you all know what I'm going through one way or another your all going though the same .Take Care xx
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
6,534
0
N Ireland
My wife has this clinginess thing too. I put it down to separation anxiety and anti anxiety meds reduced it to a manageable level.

It can get a bit like being followed around by a puppy that's trying to cling to the leg of your trousers. It's OK for a while but the novelty wears thin, doesn't it.
 
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canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Im sure its the cold @Martarita I have got a stinking cold that has just started and Im feeling pretty rough and just want a bit of comfort. I suspect it will be the same for him.
xx