Sexual intimacy
- Thread starter Magnetic
- Start date
I had wondered about this kind of thing. My OH lost all thoughts of intimacy in the very early stages of his dementia, and initially I was quite upset and offended, until we had the diagnosis and I realised it was not him - it was the disease.
We have not shared a room for almost 2 years because of his general ill health anyway.
It makes me sad, and I would like even a hug again to make me feel more human..........
My problem is that OH is constantly trying to grope me, which is very offputting, especially when he has just called me his Mother, or recently MY Mother. He comes saying he is needing a Hug which would be fine (I like a hug too) but the hug ALWAYS turns into a groping session. He is like a teenage boy saying ''you show me yours and I'll show you mine''. He seems to have an antenna that detects bare flesh, such that he appears immediately if I am getting changed or washed. I deploy various distraction techniques. The one that works best is if I tell him that a visitor is about to arrive. He also stops immediately if the phone rings. Thankfully, he only 'tries it on' when we are alone. I tried for a bit to grit my teeth and submit, thinking that might satisfy him, but found that this only made him more persistant and upset because he cannot physically take it any further.
I love/loved him very much and was a more than willing partner in the sexual side of our 50+ marriage but really find the current demands disgusting - one of the worst bits of our situation.
I love/loved him very much and was a more than willing partner in the sexual side of our 50+ marriage but really find the current demands disgusting - one of the worst bits of our situation.
Me too@Wifenotcarer, that’s exactly what happens here he’s like a homing pigeon on radar , oh how I wish for a little privacy 
... it helps when others understand.
Thanks so much A x (( here’s a normal hug ))
... it helps when others understand. Thanks so much A x (( here’s a normal hug ))
I am going through this stage now. I hesitate to ask but has it got better for you?
A warm welcome to TP @Ramona Hernadez
I wonder it the Alzheimer’s fact sheet on this would be of interest to you
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/daily-living/sex-intimacy-dementia
I wonder it the Alzheimer’s fact sheet on this would be of interest to you
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/daily-living/sex-intimacy-dementia
Yes, I am pleased to report that his urges have become less frequent and less persistent. Whether this is due to him moving into a different stage or due to the fact that he is now, reluctantly, wearing pull-ups for incontinence (total passion killers for him and me). I/We are now able to have a big comfort hug without this turning into something else
Love is all that matters, people show it in different ways, it is very private as Granny G said, I think what she was implying is passion can become compassion.
Intimacy, touch, hugs, hand holding, a touch, a kiss in passing, all these can give reassurance, comfort. I understand this is not the whole answer.
Perhaps if intimacy is fulfilled some demands fall into place. At least for some.
Once duty comes in it becomes cold perhaps.
Language is too cut and dried, emotions are fluid. What is right for one may not be for others.
Intimacy, touch, hugs, hand holding, a touch, a kiss in passing, all these can give reassurance, comfort. I understand this is not the whole answer.
Perhaps if intimacy is fulfilled some demands fall into place. At least for some.
Once duty comes in it becomes cold perhaps.
Language is too cut and dried, emotions are fluid. What is right for one may not be for others.
I suspect that people who have posted on this thread to say that it is a problem are people who, like me, are unable to acquiesce to their demands. If it were able to be solved by an act of comfort it would be easy - and I tried that for a long time. My problem was/is that this has become for my OH yet another lost skill - so much so that he would actually hurt me and it did not provide any comfort for him, so I refused. This meant, however, that he would be constantly pestering me - give him an inch and he would take a mile so that I could not even hug him or give him a peck on the cheek.
This must be so sad for you, Canary. You must look after your own needs and safety. I do think this is a issue that needs airing and solutions found.
It needs more expertise than I have. We do have the most difficult of tasks and this is one of the hardest.
As I have already said It is an area that needs to be in the open so that solutions may be found.
Look after yourself, x
This forum should be able to discuss discreetly any issue which causes concern to people with dementia or their carers. It is sad when intimacy goes for whatever reason but sadder still when partners behave in ways that are distressing. We are all adults and can decide which of the topics raised in the forum we want to be involved in. I hope this next year of 2019 will be as useful to our members as previous years have been to me.
No. I am trying to get my head around washing him and revolted by the idea. I could probably wash a stranger more easily.
Yeah, they started the assessment last march and were going to come back in a couple of weeks...thats the last i heard! I offered to wash his back the other day and he just shouted at me to leave him alone so i doubt he would let anyone elss.
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