Infections and Vascular Dementia

[Ollybear]

Hi,
My mother has Vascular Dementia. She is bed ridden, needs full support from carers (2 carers x 4 hrs per day). Luckily mum is still in her own home (my brother lives there).
She has a hospital bed downstairs but due to muscle degeneration needs to be moved by carers to prevent bed sores.
It breaks my heart to see mum, an ex school teacher sucome to this horrendous illness.
During the past year mum has been in hospital for infections. The last time, which was last WK the doctor in A&E strongly suggested a DNR on mums file.
Can anybody relate to this? I feel totally helpless even though I see mum most days and make sure she drinks as not to get dehydrated. Please help??

 

[karaokePete]

Hello @Ollybear, that is a tough situation for your mother and you and I wish you the strength to deal with it.

My understanding is that discussing a DNR is standard practice and others with experience of such a situation may be along later. Otherwise maybe a chat with the experts on the help line may guide you through the system. Help line details are
National Dementia Helpline
0300 222 11 22
Our helpline advisers are here for you.
Helpline opening hours:
Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm

 

[Distressed55]

Hello Ollybear

I know the anguish that you are going through, and I only wish that there was some way to comfort you.

I had to ask myself these questions when I faced the same situation. First, what would my parent want in these circumstances?
The second question was if I was in that condition, what would I want for myself?

It is the hardest decision, though. Everyone who reads your post can see how much you love your mum. No one here will condemn you for any decision you make. We all know how awful this disease is, and we are all trying to act with the best of intentions.

D xx

 

[canary]

I had a DNR for my mum when she got to the more advanced stages.
Having a DNR doesnt mean that they wont be treated for other things - they just wont be resuscitated when the heart stops.
Resuscitating someone isnt like the way you are shown on TV - it is quite brutal and often results in broken bones and massive bruising. It often doesnt work and even if it does, they are left with a lot of pain that many of them cannot cope with and they pass away within a few weeks later
I didnt want that for mum - I would far rather she passed away peacefully when her time came and I know thats what she would have wanted too.

 

[AliceA]

Canary is quite right.
We have chosen to have these in place. We chose to save our family having to choose at an emotional time.
This does not mean no treatment at all.

TV dramas give a false impression, have a chat to your GP. It is hard for you, we all want things as they were.

 

[Ollybear]

I had a DNR for my mum when she got to the more advanced stages.
Having a DNR doesnt mean that they wont be treated for other things - they just wont be resuscitated when the heart stops.
Resuscitating someone isnt like the way you are shown on TV - it is quite brutal and often results in broken bones and massive bruising. It often doesnt work and even if it does, they are left with a lot of pain that many of them cannot cope with and they pass away within a few weeks later
I didnt want that for mum - I would far rather she passed away peacefully when her time came and I know thats what she would have wanted too.

 

[Ollybear]

Hi Canary,
Thank-you so much for your reply. It has really helped.

 

[Ollybear]

Canary is quite right.
We have chosen to have these in place. We chose to save our family having to choose at an emotional time.
This does not mean no treatment at all.

TV dramas give a false impression, have a chat to your GP. It is hard for you, we all want things as they were.

Hi thanks for your reply. It really helps that others really understand.

 

[Ollybear]

Hello Ollybear

I know the anguish that you are going through, and I only wish that there was some way to comfort you.

I had to ask myself these questions when I faced the same situation. First, what would my parent want in these circumstances?
The second question was if I was in that condition, what would I want for myself?

It is the hardest decision, though. Everyone who reads your post can see how much you love your mum. No one here will condemn you for any decision you make. We all know how awful this disease is, and we are all trying to act with the best of intentions.

D xx

Hi D,
Thank-you for your thoughtful reply. You really understand.
Ollybear