Step by step by step

[KathrynAnne]

I manage to get my Mum to have a shower a couple of times a week. She seems to enjoy the warm water so once she’s in it’s fine. The hardest part is getting her to actually step into the shower cubicle. I don’t even attempt to wash her hair though. I take her for a blow dry to the hairdressers every Wednesday. It’s a trip out for Mum and I can sit and relax for half an hour!

 

[Batsue]

I did manage to wash mum's hair yesterday but getting her to shower is impossible and I don't want a black eye, it's a good day if I can get the previous days knickers and Tena pad.

 

[Fullticket]

When keeping mum clean became a real challenge - albeit by that time I was not in the slightest bit bothered by being called a stupid b...h and that she had never liked me - I got some help (fortunately mum had a bit of money!). Weekdays two lovely ladies took it in turns to come in, get her up and washed/showered and dressed. Only one tantrum occurred and that was because I had not washed mum's preferred blouse. Mum would refuse to get up in the morning but by astute delivery of tea to the bedside five minutes before the carer came, mum would need the loo by the time she got there. Once in the loo (and therefore 'trapped' in a washing situation) the carer assisted with washing/showering, her clothes were on the radiator all nice and warm and she was dressed before she knew it.
I did not discuss the employment of someone to help with mum before the event on the basis that she would say no and would not remember anyway. It never really arose but if she questioned it (other than to say 'who is that lady?') I wittered on about a government scheme for free help or a lady who needed to do some free work to get her qualification in caring. That sort of worked with mum as in the day care centre she taught the care assistants how to knit to help them with their NVQs. Strange that she was no longer able to tell you what year or month it was but could still knit (and type though not on a computer keyboard).

 

[Batsue]

Over the last 2 weeks mum has gradually stopped reading, she usually reads books for several hours every day although I don't think that she has been able to follow the story for about 2 years or more, she is now just sitting around staring out of the windows or snoozing.

Also getting mum to wash is now a daily battle as she gets out of bed and puts her clothes straight on or worse sleeps in them. Unfortunately she is quite verbally aggressive and will not allow me to help her, if I try she attempts to push me out of her bedroom. The only way to make sure that she has a token wash is to keep going in and saying you need to wash now and keeping it up until she gives in, she tried to push me out of her room this morning but I put my foot in the doorway and when mum realised that she could not remove me by slamming the door she finally went into her en-suite and had a quick wash.

 

[Rolypoly]

Mum no longer reads either. She used to enjoy reading, then it turned to skimming, noe, if a book is picked up it’s pretend reading. She doesn’t fully read magazines either. All her hobbies have gone although she still does the odd word search. She’s not that interested in tv anymore, I think she finds a lot of programmes hard to follow.

It’s hard to find things for her to fill her time that are meaningful to her and within her capabilities. It’s a shell of an existence considering all the craft activities she used to do to such high standards.

 

[Hair Twiddler]

Threadbare Old Favourites....
When my mum still lived with me showering wasn't a problem...albeit once a fortnight or so.
PJ's were always worn at night, so fresh knickers were easy to replace on the radiator along with tops and bottoms all ready for the next day (I did have to sneak in once she was asleep to do this) The issue was "new" clothes. Mum hadn't worn a new top or blouse or coat for about 15 years! (socks shoes and trousers were fairly easy) .... the old threadbare old faithfuls were always chosen and had to be kept at the top of drawers and hanging in her wardrobe. New stuff was often passed back to me with "these are yours".
I was a bit embarrassed when she did go and live in a care home but bless the staff they totally understood.

New PJ's weren't a problem , we ALWAYS had new ones from Father Christmas since I was a child.

 

[KathrynAnne]

My Mum used to always have her nose in a book. Then as she declined, she went onto magazines. She will now still flick through a magazine but obviously doesn’t take anything in. If we are watching TV she usually stares into space or if she does notice the TV she thinks the people are actually in the room so we have to be careful what we watch! Nothing is simple with this disease.

 

[Norfolk Cherry]

All this is familiar to me. I recently discovered mum can still knit a square or child's scarf,(big wool/needles) and it calms her down for a while anyway.

 

[Cazzita]

Such a useful thread. Thanks for posting

 

[Batsue]

I'm not sure how to deal with this, apparently I do not live here, this is not my house, it belongs to mum and so does my dog. I am not her daughter although my OH still seems to be known to mum but she was surprised that nobody told her that we are married. Mum keeps asking where I am going to be staying tonight.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

That's a hard one. What I found hard was realizing that my mother didn't know me as her daughter.

 

[Izzy]

@reedysue that's such a hard situation. I'm afraid I haven't got any words of wisdom - just sympathy. My mother often used to ask when Isobel was coming home (that's me!). I would reply with 'but I'm Isobel' and she'd say 'but not my Isobel'. I'm presuming she was remembering a much younger version of me. I did try to go along with her in line with compassionate communication but I wasn't good at it. Fortunately this happened in bursts and wasn't all the time. It must be very hard for you.

 

[Batsue]

Thank you for your replies.

Today it appears that I am back to being her daughter, although today I am a nasty cow for insisting that mum had a wash. After going in to her room every 10 minutes for nearly an hour and saying are you going to get washed and mum saying that she was just about to do that then spending the time adjusting the fleece throw on her bed, I went in and said that if she needed help I could arrange for a carer to come in each morning, mum started shouting and stamping her feet and insisting that she had already washed so I went in to her en-suite and showed her the dry soap and sponge at which point she tried to push me out of the room shouting at the top of her voice that she did not need help from anyone, I left repeating please go and have a wash, I did hear her run some water into her sink but am not sure whether she actually washed.

 

[Fullticket]

I'm afraid the only way we ever overcame the not washing syndrome was to have carers come in and do it with her. They came every weekday at 8 and got her showered twice a week and washed on the other days. That way, when mum went to day care or one of her groups, I did at least know she smelled OK and was wearing clean clothes. If the budget doesn't allow this, try catching her when she goes to the loo first thing in the morning; be prepared with clean clothes on the radiator and an assertive, "Well, now that we are here and your clothes are warming nicely, let's get you in the shower."
Someone pointed out that this might cause mum not to go to the loo (!) but, fortunately, the dementia and resultant lack of recall about what had happened the previous day overcame that problem.
I think it comes down to having to supervise virtually all their personal needs care in the end, be it showering or just getting out their clean clothes and removing the dirty ones. And you develop the skin of a rhino of course! You mum does not mean what she says, she is reacting to being told what she should do and the dementia means she has lost the ability to reason.
I was various people to my mum over the years from her best friend to the lady who booked the church hall for the keep fit classes. She claimed she hardly ever saw her daughter as she worked in London for a publishers (that was the 1970s). So I became her best friend, or the lady who booked the church hall, or whatever. She of course never forgot her son, who we never saw from one year to the next, but he, apparently, came to see her every day.

 

[Batsue]

Unfortunately mum gets up at some point in the early hours of the morning and gets dressed, when she realises that she can't get out of the house she goes back to bed with her clothes on which makes it even more difficult to persuade her to wash as she thinks that she must have washed because she is dressed.

 

[Batsue]

Well this is a new one, I took mum into town to get some shopping today, on the way home she asked if we were going to where we left this morning, on arrival she decided that this is her house (it's jointly owned) and that I did not live here and should go home to Essex. The really weird thing is that mum thinks that my OH does live here also that my dog belongs to her, she does not dispute that OH and I are married, just that he lives here and I live in Essex. I am hoping that this delusion does not persist for long, perhaps a large piece of chocolate brownie will distract her.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Mum no longer reads either. She used to enjoy reading, then it turned to skimming, noe, if a book is picked up it’s pretend reading. She doesn’t fully read magazines either. All her hobbies have gone although she still does the odd word search. She’s not that interested in tv anymore, I think she finds a lot of programmes hard to follow.

It’s hard to find things for her to fill her time that are meaningful to her and within her capabilities. It’s a shell of an existence considering all the craft activities she used to do to such high standards.

This is such a useful thread. My MIL used to avidly read but although she kept saying she wanted books to read, she lost the initiative to open them in the end. Plus she couldn't remember the plot.

 

[Batsue]

I have no idea what mum was thinking of but my vegetable knife disappeared this morning, I had left it on the chopping block while I went to the freezer in the garage, when I returned it had gone. I looked everywhere to no avail and thought that I must have dropped it in the chest freezer and it had slipped to the bottom. Just before I started to empty the freezer a suspicion came over me and I sneaked into mum's room and had a quick scout around, I found my knife in her bathroom cabinet! Luckily although this knife has a serrated edge it also has a rounded end, all of my other very sharp kitchen knives are kept hidden just in case. Goodness only knows why mum took this knife but she must have grabbed it quickly as I as only out of the kitchen for a minute.