Grumpy OH

Grahamstown

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Jan 12, 2018
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I agree Grahamstown we are only human & it is normal to have these thoughts. I must have them numerous times a day . Axx
Thank you @Beads I was just having a moment and thought I must get some comfort from TP and there it was. I don’t really cry just feel teary but sometimes it overwhelmes you, doesn’t it, as you watch your previously vigorous husband sitting vacantly doing nothing and then going up to lie down, again doing nothing. I don’t feel angry or frustrated now because I just have to get on with it. But sometimes you just need to let off steam somewhere and here is best rather than burdening your children who find it painful enough as it is to see their father declining.
 

Beads

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Jul 19, 2017
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Thank you @Beads I was just having a moment and thought I must get some comfort from TP and there it was. I don’t really cry just feel teary but sometimes it overwhelmes you, doesn’t it, as you watch your previously vigorous husband sitting vacantly doing nothing and then going up to lie down, again doing nothing. I don’t feel angry or frustrated now because I just have to get on with it. But sometimes you just need to let off steam somewhere and here is best rather than burdening your children who find it painful enough as it is to see their father declining.
We all need to let off steam & as you say TP is the right place as we are never judged as so many are going through the same . I too just get on with it but I do feel resentful & anger at my retirement plans been snatched before my very eyes & carer role in its place. As I didn’t have a good marriage to start with & I had such plans which will now never happen. There are days when I just want to scream like today is one of them . I am going to put a post on it will be a rant really but oh I could just take off. Let off steam all you like Grahamstown makes us feel better. Axx
 

Beads

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Jul 19, 2017
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Well we not going to visit SIL . Grumpy comes downstairs I said about going to see his sister. Was just explaining the way I would be going as it is quite a journey. Next thing his potty mouth takes over told me to shut my mouth & don’t talk to him with the f word in front of this. So I said I’m just saying the route I’m taking & he gets louder shouting. Just unbelievable I walked out of the kitchen he’s gone back to bed . Normal service resumed. What a life no change that because it isn’t it’s an existence. A miserable one at that. This has been brewing as he hasn’t hardly spoken since coming back from France. The only reason it didn’t kick off there was because he was trying to be ok in front of all the family & in laws playing host mode to a fine artt. I’ve told neice we won’t be visiting not the fowl mood he is in not risking it .She said I totally understand . I only hope I do get to see her before it’s too late even if I have to go on my own. What annoys me the most Is I can’t say that it is the dementia as this is what he has been like throughout our marriage . He would just fly off in a temper over nothing & then either take off to bed out of the way or go out in the car .That is why the kids if they had anything they wanted to talk about would never go too him as they knew he would lose it . They learnt at an early age of his temper & reasoning (lack of). Over the years when a situation arose I needed to talk to someone I could never go to him. Well I will do some housework & keep busy as I am so annoyed. Rant over. Axx
 

Beads

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Jul 19, 2017
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@Beads yes it’s a bad day for me too, just the same old, same old, nothing in particular but some days it just hits harder than others.
I know what you mean it’s like been in limbo . Our lives are on hold but we are getting older. I have said many a time I wonder if I can survive this. I know I am strong willed but I sometimes think I don’t even know if I want to see this through with him . Might sound awful but can’t help the way I feel. Axx
 

Starbright

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Apr 8, 2018
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I know what you mean it’s like been in limbo . Our lives are on hold but we are getting older. I have said many a time I wonder if I can survive this. I know I am strong willed but I sometimes think I don’t even know if I want to see this through with him . Might sound awful but can’t help the way I feel. Axx
Well we not going to visit SIL . Grumpy comes downstairs I said about going to see his sister. Was just explaining the way I would be going as it is quite a journey. Next thing his potty mouth takes over told me to shut my mouth & don’t talk to him with the f word in front of this. So I said I’m just saying the route I’m taking & he gets louder shouting. Just unbelievable I walked out of the kitchen he’s gone back to bed . Normal service resumed. What a life no change that because it isn’t it’s an existence. A miserable one at that. This has been brewing as he hasn’t hardly spoken since coming back from France. The only reason it didn’t kick off there was because he was trying to be ok in front of all the family & in laws playing host mode to a fine artt. I’ve told neice we won’t be visiting not the fowl mood he is in not risking it .She said I totally understand . I only hope I do get to see her before it’s too late even if I have to go on my own. What annoys me the most Is I can’t say that it is the dementia as this is what he has been like throughout our marriage . He would just fly off in a temper over nothing & then either take off to bed out of the way or go out in the car .That is why the kids if they had anything they wanted to talk about would never go too him as they knew he would lose it . They learnt at an early age of his temper & reasoning (lack of). Over the years when a situation arose I needed to talk to someone I could never go to him. Well I will do some housework & keep busy as I am so annoyed. Rant over. Axx
Hi Beads ...your post could easily be my life apart from my oh never used or uses the f word....but he does have a way with words that cut so deep, but immediately forgets as soon as he’s had his say....and then becomes kind and loving no change really from the way he has always been in 57 years of marriage just so much worse since this vile disease took over, at least that’s what I keep telling myself. I have and am still trying with the compassionate fact sheet but it’s not easy. Sorry I’ve gone on a bit ...I do feel for you and know just how you are feeling stay strong hugs ...A
 

margherita

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May 30, 2017
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I sometimes think I don’t even know if I want to see this through with him . Might sound awful but can’t help the way I feel. Axx
It is not awful, you are honest and sincere.
I have nothing to give back to my husband. I can't think of an act of generosity from him. Selfish before his illness.
I will be honest and correct , but I do not want to devote my last years to him. Why should I?
 

Grahamstown

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Jan 12, 2018
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@margherita @Beads I am not quite housebound yet but the other morning, and I only leave him in the mornings, he asked me for the first time if I should still be going to the meetings that I go to twice a month. My heart sank as I thought that perhaps I should but as I was driving there I felt such a relief that I was going to something where I didn’t have to think about or discuss dementia, I thought not yet. He was quite alright too and it made him do something independently.
 

Starbright

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Apr 8, 2018
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@margherita @Beads I am not quite housebound yet but the other morning, and I only leave him in the mornings, he asked me for the first time if I should still be going to the meetings that I go to twice a month. My heart sank as I thought that perhaps I should but as I was driving there I felt such a relief that I was going to something where I didn’t have to think about or discuss dementia, I thought not yet. He was quite alright too and it made him do something independently.[/QUOTE
@Starbright I am very very bad at compassionate communication. It’s not easy when you are at your wits end.
Im also not doing well with it ,it’s like as long as I’m not answering back or having an opinion etc we don’t argue and have the ensuing row...just be a quiet dutiful ,nursemaid,cook,the list goes on all would be well...problem is I always fought back over the years and often blamed myself now I realise after our children have told me “ it was never your fault Mum”...A
 

kindred

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Apr 8, 2018
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@margherita @Beads I am not quite housebound yet but the other morning, and I only leave him in the mornings, he asked me for the first time if I should still be going to the meetings that I go to twice a month. My heart sank as I thought that perhaps I should but as I was driving there I felt such a relief that I was going to something where I didn’t have to think about or discuss dementia, I thought not yet. He was quite alright too and it made him do something independently.
Absolutely, we have to have dementia free zones or it will like a black hole extinguish all our own light. I found that it was hard to get away from people always asking me about my OH, always reminding me. You are doing right thing sweetheart. Kindredxx
 

Hopeful123

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Oct 24, 2015
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Hi @Hopeful123 you should not feel selfish at all I think you have done an amazing job looking after your OH for as long as you have on your own. You are to be admired bless you. You have not had any time to yourself for years you deserve it . I can understand it’s heartbreaking but you have to think of yourself now. You can still look after your OH if he was to go in care plus you would have time to do what you want to do. I think your life has been on hold long enough & now is the time to let the professionals take over. Who would look after you if you were to take Ill we have to think about ourselves .I know it’s not easy but do think about yourself now you deserve your life back you have done more than enough. You take good care of yourself thinking about you & sending (((hugs))) your way. Axx keep in touch.
Hi Beads, thank you for your very kind words. I received a letter from SS this morning, re my request fir a needs assessment fir the pair of us. Apparently I’m now on the waiting list, unless something urgent occurs & then I have to ring them. So once again, that’s where we are, perhaps I should count this as a step forward? I am beginning to think how many more years I have to go on in this way, ok, so I’m 75, but I can still go on walking holidays, attend gym aerobic,Zumba classes, do feel about 50 so would like the opportunity to do these things. Enough said, I’m beginning to sound selfish. I am sorry your OH carries on the way he does, I am lucky that as long as mine can stay home, get taken out on a daily basis, then he’s happy, it’s just me that’s fed up. Take care, hopeful 123
 

kindred

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Apr 8, 2018
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Im also not doing well with it ,it’s like as long as I’m not answering back or having an opinion etc we don’t argue and have the ensuing row...just be a quiet dutiful ,nursemaid,cook,the list goes on all would be well...problem is I always fought back over the years and often blamed myself now I realise after our children have told me “ it was never your fault Mum”...A
I agree. We have to be careful or we end up feeling like slaves to dementia. I know this happened to me by being what you might call compassionately and passively good and attentive ... Kindred. x
 

Beads

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Jul 19, 2017
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Beads, I had been longing for retirement for so long. I thought I would be free to travel, meet with my friends, look after stray dogs..
Instead , here I am, under house arrest...
I know my friend it’s so sad even more so for you as you are so isolated..
 

Sad Staffs

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Jun 26, 2018
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@Beads ... I just read your post and I thought you were talking about me!
My husband has always been feisty, and although he could be very loving, he could also be cruel and knew how to verbally hurt me. Now he has early onset dementia, and when he has a light switch moment, which is quite frequent, he physically looks a different person, everything is f...ing and swearing, and it can be very scary. I try so hard not to react. If he makes me angry I am able to walk away, but mostly he hurts me with the cruel things he says, and that is when I react. I guess I become defensive. He told me I ruined his birthday, he tells me I don’t do anything for him, he tells me to p... off and leave him for all the good I do. My every waking moments are looking after him. I have very very little else. And it’s slowly soul destroying.
I wish I could give you advice, but I can’t as I can’t sort my own life. But what I can say is that I’m thinking of you... because you are not alone.
Love B xx
 

Starbright

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Apr 8, 2018
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@Beads ... I just read your post and I thought you were talking about me!
My husband has always been feisty, and although he could be very loving, he could also be cruel and knew how to verbally hurt me. Now he has early onset dementia, and when he has a light switch moment, which is quite frequent, he physically looks a different person, everything is f...ing and swearing, and it can be very scary. I try so hard not to react. If he makes me angry I am able to walk away, but mostly he hurts me with the cruel things he says, and that is when I react. I guess I become defensive. He told me I ruined his birthday, he tells me I don’t do anything for him, he tells me to p... off and leave him for all the good I do. My every waking moments are looking after him. I have very very little else. And it’s slowly soul destroying.
I wish I could give you advice, but I can’t as I can’t sort my own life. But what I can say is that I’m thinking of you... because you are not alone.
Love B xx
Sad Staffs...it seems so many of us are in the same boat so to speak....and yes on a daily basis... distraction still can work for me sometimes ,but when it turns cruel I have to just walk away ...he will Not do anything he doesn’t want to there simply is no point in trying to persuade him....I’m so glad I found TP and all of the so kind folk who contribute and help us to pull through ...so thank you
I’m in Staffs too ...A x
 
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Sad Staffs

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Jun 26, 2018
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@Starbright ... so you are a Staffordshire lass too.
I struggle with how obsessed he is with himself. He doesn’t think of anything or anyone else. He sits and festers about himself. It’s like only he exists and all I’m good for is to drop everything and do what he wants. If I don’t do what he wants instantly he gets very stroppy, angry and aggressive. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, it’s as if I’m of no consequence.
Take care x
 

Starbright

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Apr 8, 2018
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@Starbright ... so you are a Staffordshire lass too.
I struggle with how obsessed he is with himself. He doesn’t think of anything or anyone else. He sits and festers about himself. It’s like only he exists and all I’m good for is to drop everything and do what he wants. If I don’t do what he wants instantly he gets very stroppy, angry and aggressive. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing, it’s as if I’m of no consequence.
Take care x

I’m from further north but have lived in Staffs for the past 10 years....like you I feel I’m kinda of lost somewhere within his Alzheimer’s/Vascular Dementia world ...but we must try and hold onto our identity as hard as it is....
Take care “hugs” A x
 

Grahamstown

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I’m from further north but have lived in Staffs for the past 10 years....like you I feel I’m kinda of lost somewhere within his Alzheimer’s/Vascular Dementia world ...but we must try and hold onto our identity as hard as it is....
Take care “hugs” A x
Hugs to all because we are struggling and need some. I am with you and have asserted myself tonight instead of pandering constantly to him, and it feels good even though difficult. I have had enough for once tonight l