hello
@SFOX
a warm welcome to TP
it's brilliant that you are looking out for your friend - what an awful situation for her
your friend needs to contact her Local Authority Adult Services and request an urgent/immediate assessment of her husband's care needs, in fact ask for a 'best interests meeting' as she herself is a 'vulnerable adult' being put 'at risk of harm', in fact in danger, because of her husband's aggression and violence who is a 'vulnerable adult' himself due to his dementia and is himself 'at risk of harm' and possibly self harm due to his dementia and his behaviour - tell her to say that she knows the LA have 'the duty of care' for her husband and she cannot continue to care for him as she is experiencing 'carer breakdown' (mention the thoughts of suicide), nor can she be coerced into caring for him - that due to the violence and abuse, physical and sexual and psychological, this is 'a safe-guarding issue' and the LA need to step in to provide 24 hour residential care
contact the LA by phone and get a name and address AND e-mail as follow up with details of everything said to create a paper trail she can refer back to - send copies to the GP, CPN, consultant ie anyone who is remotely involved
can you help her with this?
if her husband is currently in respite, maybe suggest she refuse to have him back - change the locks?
some of the domestic abuse charities may well be able to help her
http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk
no-one but her husband should be paying for his care, and if he has no assets and low income the LA contribute to his care - the LA should carry out a financial assessment on his finances only, and if they own the house, it is disregarded as long as one of them lives there, so she will not be required to sell it to pay for his care
if your friend does leave the house, suggest she says it is to visit a friend, have a holiday ie something temporary, as the spouse of someone who is moved into a care home has the right to remain in the marital home and I worry about her making herself homeless and ineligible for support, though as her reason for walking out is her safety I would hope that is taken into account - I am not suggesting in any way that she stay and continue to be at risk, just to 'cover her back'
the AS has a helpline and they may be able to offer useful suggestions, do call them
https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/national-dementia-helpline