Sorry if posted twice, not sure how to respond to thread, to all in essence....
Hi Everyone,
I thought I would start by saying a massive thank you for all of your kind advice and input. It was all very enlightening and helped both my mother and I. I said that I would update as we went which is the reason for this.
We had a sit down meeting to go over our findings with the step son. The meeting lasted for 4 hours and I can honestly sadly say that it was totally negative from their side. We had a list literally of all of the Cons, as could not really find any of the Pros here. We tried to explain about how bad this idea is based first and foremost of the health and well being of both my step dad, and my mother. These are the 2 absolute most important areas. Well after listing through all the dangers, exposures to accidents, infections, sub standard care package versus the 24 hour care he has now. The carnage of 2 care workers coming 4 times daily, and not on any exact timing level. The fact that our mother would find all of this so stressful and sleep deprivation would be hard. The fact that Dad falls out of bed at least 2 times per week, and we would have to call 111 or 999 depending on the seriousness of the fall. The list is endless on the Cons as we all know...
This and more was tried to be explained but was deflected every time, and put to one side in order to get back to later, every time valid serious undisputable points came up it was pushed to one side and he carried on trying to convince basically my mother that this is what you do if you truly love someone, and that love finds a way.
We asked him seriously what are the VALID real reasons to get Dad home and basically we got these 3 answers.
1, Its because Dad wants to come home, he keeps saying that when he is on his own with Dad he keeps saying it, even though cant remember door number, street or even area he lives.
2, Its because he says its what he wants as his son.,.Seems to think it is more dignified to be in his own home, even if laying on the floor for few hours. While waiting for the emergency services. Who are under massive pressure anyway as we know, so may be taking life saving support form some other poor person. Is it dignified to sit there in number 1 and number 2 for up to 4 or 5 hours at a time as mum cannot change him, move him at all...
3, He believes that if he is back in his own surroundings he will improve, he has already tried to put him on a very restricted diet to get him lighter and thinks that he may start to be able to walk again, at what ever level,. Mum has gone a bit mad about it as its very small rations and the care home have taken his directive and he is not next of kin..Thing is with heavy on set dementia I know enough to know that if your brain does not communicate with your legs it does NOT matter what weight you are...
So basically these are the three points which to his mind supersede ALL of the very serious valid points we tried to make, but went straight over his head. As mentioned before this is pure emotional manipulation and its even now got my poor mother thinking that may be she can do it again. This is heart breaking as they have such guilt hold over her and she is such a beautiful lady, so selfless and kind.
I fear that after the last breakdown which was just 3 or so months ago if she decides to do this she will not survive....
I really don't know which way to turn, he keeps saying it will be easy, and that she wont even have to do too much, change the channel for him, spend quality time with him, The most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life...
Oh, and just to top it all off at the end of the meeting he said to my mum that he thinks she wants to move on emotionally...….Disgusting tactics. Obviously I am not silly enough to not understand the real motivation behind all this...
Any thoughts and advice are greatly appreciated..
Best
L