I have POA over my distant Uncle, with whom I was never very close, although I have been responsible for him since he was sectioned about three years ago. He is now in a residential home with advanced Alzheimer’s/dementia. Up until now he has been very happy with everything, although he did become very agitated and aggressive with my brother and refused to allow him to visit. I visit him on a weekly basis and we had become quite close and I thought all was well, but yesterday he accused me of stealing all his money, he called me trash and threatened me with legal action. I was so shocked and upset- I know it’s not him, it’s this dreadful disease. My questions are these.... how badly will my presence upset him if I continue to visit - is this a bad thing? Staff there told me this is normal and that he would ‘get over it’. How long will this last? I’m his only visitor and I don’t want to abandon him, but I can’t just keep going if I’m upsetting him so much - I work so hard to make sure his money is working to keep him in the best home I can find, it’s like being slapped in the face. Apologies for the rant.... just needed to vent
New here, looking for some hints
- Thread starter Swannykazoo
- Start date
Stealing accusations are common. I know they hurt but try not to take them personally. Maybe it helps to understand that your uncle is in a permanent state of confusion and anxiety. His world doesn't make sense anymore, and he takes it out on you because you are close to him. Compassionate communication might help.
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/
It's hard not to take these things personally, but once you get over the shock of it , you will be ok. Dragged my mum to the doctors yesterday. Got called a few things but the docs agreed she has cellulitis and it now on antibiotics. A thanks would have been nice. Hopefully they may even reduced some of the dementia-type symptoms. He said to make a follow up appointment in 3 weeks - should have done so straight away!
My mum frequently accused me, threatening police and solicitor. When she’s like that I just leave. I always try to bring a sweet treat, £1 little cakes, chocolates etc. Also I try to visit during activities, when she’s distracted, dominoes or bingo. It hurt at first but now I can ignore it. I know I am doing the right thing with her money and property, so I have no guilt.
Hello, and welcome.
This sort of thing seems to be par for the course unfortunately, but that doesn't make it any less hurtful to have to hear these outrageous accusations. Easy to say I know, but one needs to develop a thick skin and just ignore those things in the knowledge that it is the disease that is causing them. If your Uncle was in his right mind, I'm sure that he would be full of gratitude for what you are doing for him.
Practically, could you have somebody accompany you on your next few visits? Could you visit him in a communal area rather than his room? It could be that he would be less likely to say those things "in public". I would indeed try to distract - things like nipping off to the loo and coming back with tea and cake, a walk outside, etc, etc in the hope that he would have forgotten what he was talking about.
If this sort of thing doesn't work, I would indeed cut your visit short your as it doesn't benefit anyone if he is getting agitated. Keep trying though if you can - things change, and I'm sure that underneath it all, he does get comfort from your attention.
This sort of thing seems to be par for the course unfortunately, but that doesn't make it any less hurtful to have to hear these outrageous accusations. Easy to say I know, but one needs to develop a thick skin and just ignore those things in the knowledge that it is the disease that is causing them. If your Uncle was in his right mind, I'm sure that he would be full of gratitude for what you are doing for him.
Practically, could you have somebody accompany you on your next few visits? Could you visit him in a communal area rather than his room? It could be that he would be less likely to say those things "in public". I would indeed try to distract - things like nipping off to the loo and coming back with tea and cake, a walk outside, etc, etc in the hope that he would have forgotten what he was talking about.
If this sort of thing doesn't work, I would indeed cut your visit short your as it doesn't benefit anyone if he is getting agitated. Keep trying though if you can - things change, and I'm sure that underneath it all, he does get comfort from your attention.
Thanks for all this, y’all know where I’m coming from - I will persevere and try to remember that it’s not personal- it’s handy to have a space to unburden
I had this problem with my Mum, take accounts to him show him his money is there. For me it was easier to take my mum to the bank and let them confirm everything was in order. It helps to remember your speaking to Mr Alzheimer’s not your uncle who is hiding in there somewhere. Is there a favourite food you can distract him with or photographs, something that will distract him from his rant. Yes it is so painful to be accused just try to raise above it in your own mind. Kind Regards
This tactic depends very much on how far advanced the dementia is. Probably will work in early stages, but it didnt work for mum as by then she no longer understood what the accounts meant and besides, she knew that her money was being stolen (sigh). Reasoning often doesnt work. I found distraction worked best.
