At the end of my tether...

[Bunpoots]

You sound so much better after your break. It’s good that the carers can take some of the burden off you. Maybe they can persuade your dad to keep his pants on, hanging loose is so not a good look!

My worry is that he'll start hanging loose in the back garden

Yes I do feel better now that I've had a break and dad has accepted carers. I didn't realise how much stress I was under until it was lifted.

Now I can get something done and earn a living again

 

[Rolypoly]

He’d better watch out for hungry birds!

 

[Bunpoots]

He’d better watch out for hungry birds!

 

[Bunpoots]

Yesterday, in spite of being Friday the 13th turned out to be a good day for day. I eventually got a call to say that his wheelchair will be delivered on Tuesday.

I started to check out his finances for the council assessment and discovered he had some shares I didn't know about, these take him slightly over the savings allowance so I can just tick the box that says he has over £23k. I know I'll probably have to fill in the form eventually but for now he's self funding. ( I hate form filling ).

I also received a text from one of his carers saying that dad fancied fish and chips from the chippy and did I mind if she treated him! Bless her, that's so sweet! I told her he keeps a few quid in the kitchen draw for things like that and to take the money from there but she'd not touched it when I checked.

It's lovely to know that his carers really do care.

I think I've chosen the right agency

 

[Grannie G]

I think I've chosen the right agency

I think you have.

There are some excellent agencies out there who train their carers well and pick those who are genuine rater than those who just want a job.

I won`t say those who do it for the money for we all know how poor the money is .

 

[Rolypoly]

Seems to be a rarity theses days from what I hear...a carer who cares!

So pleased it’s finally working out, long may it continue.

 

[Bunpoots]

Thank you both. Yes it's taken a massive weight off my shoulders. My dad seems more content and because it's become more of a habit for him to wear pull-ups (the carers make sure he does) he even puts them on himself a lot of the time!!

Unfortunately his incontinenece is worsening and he now needs a higher absorbency so he is constantly leaking. I took him to the continence clinic on Monday and his mobility is so poor now that they are visiting at home now. I hope they remember to phone so I can make sure either me or one of his carers will be they (preferably both of us) because dad will tell them he never wets himself....

I just wish the useless GP that did a home visit understood dementia. A note was left saying that dad had said he had nothing wrong with him .

 

[Rolypoly]

Wow! Bet you thought you’d never see the day your dad put pull-ups on himself! Shame about the GP, is there another one at the practice that you could request instead?

 

[Bunpoots]

Wow! Bet you thought you’d never see the day your dad put pull-ups on himself! Shame about the GP, is there another one at the practice that you could request instead?

I'm not sure. Last time dad had a home visit it was one from his practice but I was told it's now a "third party agency" that does home visits. I can see that working well for PWD - Not!!

 

[nae sporran]

Not sure what to say to that one without getting angry, sorry you had such a bad experience with your dad's surgery Bunpoots.

 

[vicx]

Hi i was going to start a thread today, however after reading this thread from the start it was really rather comforting. Since my mums memory has been deteriorating we have continually lied to her about the reasons her memory are bad, (mum had a huge fear of dementia). However she is quite demanding, and doesn't know how much we actually do for her. Everyday we pick her up and spend day with her, feeding her and her dog. She goes home in the evening, and rings constantly telling us she is lonely and never sees a soul. I find it so draining, and at the moment there really is no light at the end of the tunnel. I am lucky i have a sister who shares the week days with me. I am the only POA, and this morning she accused me of taking her money. She probably shouldn't live alone, but as she will not accept there's anything wrong, you cannot help her. I feel like i have this big ball of anger, frustration, annoyance and probably fear sitting in my chest, waiting to burst out. I can't see a release. I want someone to tell me how this is going to go, but i know that isn't possible. Should i stop lying to her? Would it make a difference? By doing what she wants all the time are we just holding off the inevitable crisis?
I cannot split myself in this many ways without someone losing out, between 4 children, hubbie, myself and mum.
I am so glad i found this forum, the comfort it brings is so invaluable !!

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi i was going to start a thread today, however after reading this thread from the start it was really rather comforting. Since my mums memory has been deteriorating we have continually lied to her about the reasons her memory are bad, (mum had a huge fear of dementia). However she is quite demanding, and doesn't know how much we actually do for her. Everyday we pick her up and spend day with her, feeding her and her dog. She goes home in the evening, and rings constantly telling us she is lonely and never sees a soul. I find it so draining, and at the moment there really is no light at the end of the tunnel. I am lucky i have a sister who shares the week days with me. I am the only POA, and this morning she accused me of taking her money. She probably shouldn't live alone, but as she will not accept there's anything wrong, you cannot help her. I feel like i have this big ball of anger, frustration, annoyance and probably fear sitting in my chest, waiting to burst out. I can't see a release. I want someone to tell me how this is going to go, but i know that isn't possible. Should i stop lying to her? Would it make a difference? By doing what she wants all the time are we just holding off the inevitable crisis?
I cannot split myself in this many ways without someone losing out, between 4 children, hubbie, myself and mum.
I am so glad i found this forum, the comfort it brings is so invaluable !!

Hello vicx and welcome to Talking Point. I can't tell you how much comfort this site has given me!

My dad has been through phases of telling the neighbours he's not seen a soul for weeks and the neighbours have put him right cos they've seen us visiting every day!

I know just what you mean about losing yourself to caring, I am just finding myself again. It creeps up, and takes over, this caring lark. And trying to deal with an illogical and ungrateful needy person is soul-sucking!

As you've read my thread you'll realise that I've very recently brought in professional carers. I didn't ask dad if he wanted or needed them - he'd have said he was fine. I introduced them by stealth. They visited, did an assessment (which dad wasn't pleased about as he thinks there's nothing wrong with him) and started visiting and helping gradually. I'm not sure dad's even noticed that his routine has changed. He's certainly happier now - and so am I. I should have done it months ago!!

I don't think my dad should really live alone either, but he hates noise, not really a people person either so I think the care home will be a last resort. He likes his own space.

You're lucky to be able to share with your sister but you still sound very stressed! Could you persuade your mum to go to daycare (you could call it a club or a craft group) to give you both a day off?

You are entitled to a care assessment for your mum and carers assessments for you and your sister. If you contact SS you may be pleasantly surprised at what they can offer.

 

[Bunpoots]

Dad had his final CPN visit this morning. I have her number if I need to speak to her but suspect it'll be a case of getting re- referred through the GP. She said people usually go back. So I'm thinking why sign them off? They used to have an open appointment system and one could call back within 6 months. Money, no doubt !!

CPN asked dad how he was getting on with the "ladies that came to help out this morning" and he couldn't remember them!! I don't suppose he remembers any of their other visits either so he probably doesn't object to them .

The wheelchair arrived yesterday but I haven't tried it out yet. There's a "comfort bar" across the back that attaches to the handles but the one that came with it wouldn't - so we have to wait for a new one.
It has smallish wheels so we won't be off-roading!! At least it looks as though it's small enough to fit in my boot when it's folded up.

 

[Bunpoots]

A new, but not entirely unexpected development this morning. The carer arrived at 8.55 and dad had got himself up and taken his pjs etc. off...
She found him in the back garden "sunbathing" he said.
So what's the problem... he was completely naked

It took ten minutes to persuade him to go inside. When she left he was dressed and eating his breakfast.

I hope he doesn't do it again.

I hope the neighbours don't complain

 

[canary]

Well at least he is wearing clean clothes now ........

 

[Bunpoots]

Well at least he is wearing clean clothes now ........

Lol! He's not harming anyone either...except maybe putting them of their breakfast...

At least he didn't go for a swim in the fish pond...

 

[Rolypoly]

Obviously didn’t want any tan lines

 

[Bunpoots]

Obviously didn’t want any tan lines

Obviously!!

 

[Bunpoots]

I'm thinking ahead, but this is the second morning dad has refused to take his medications. The carer will try again at lunchtime. But this morning he refused to do anything. He wouldn't even stand up from the sofa. I suspect he's not sleeping through the night and this is part of the problem.

What can I do? Who do I turn to to help if dad just refuses to do anything?

He wouldn't do anything for me without a fight...and I'm all out of fighting spirit now

 

[Rolypoly]

How about subterfuge with the tablets...hide them in food. Check fluid intake. Is the heat taking its toll, sapping energy and strength? Could you ignore his not doing anything, as in, don’t ask him in the first place and maybe he will end up doing things, if you get what I mean. Reverse psychology sort of thing. Make sure he’s not too warm at night, buried under covers, in this heat. Mum still sleeps under the same covers as in winter but it doesn’t seem to bother her. She is still sleeping a lot during the day, but no pattern, just whenever.

Sorry, not much help

Not much fighting spirit here either, I’m all for easy option at the moment.