Respite care....Or not

[pinkwizard1]

Mum is 97 years old, in the moderate stages of Mixed Dementia, knows what's going on and on the surface appears unaffected, however, she's forgetful etc, can be left for an hour or two but is doubly incontinent due to age, but can clean herself up, can't cook for herself nor medicate but personal care she can cope with.
We are wanting a few nights away to recharge after having her living with us now for 18,months. I've looked at several homes for respite and each one insisted she goes into their Dementia unit as she has a diagnosis, and at a minimum of 2 weeks and £3000.
Firstly it would destroy her and secondly I'm afraid she would deteriorate as I've heard horrendous stories of once in they lose what little they have. Even the carer today said that 10days in with her Mum she became bedridden with assisted feeding. Please tell me this isn't the norm.....its not worth the risk.
Thanks for any input x

 

[Amethyst59]

My husband was initially booked for two weeks respite...at a similar cost, but it was in a two bed apartment within a care home setting. Although he has a diagnosis, he did not ‘have’ to go into the dementia unit. There is another man who we see goes for respite regularly, and there is no visible deterioration, so it is not always like that for everyone.

 

[maryjoan]

Mum is 97 years old, in the moderate stages of Mixed Dementia, knows what's going on and on the surface appears unaffected, however, she's forgetful etc, can be left for an hour or two but is doubly incontinent due to age, but can clean herself up, can't cook for herself nor medicate but personal care she can cope with.
We are wanting a few nights away to recharge after having her living with us now for 18,months. I've looked at several homes for respite and each one insisted she goes into their Dementia unit as she has a diagnosis, and at a minimum of 2 weeks and £3000.
Firstly it would destroy her and secondly I'm afraid she would deteriorate as I've heard horrendous stories of once in they lose what little they have. Even the carer today said that 10days in with her Mum she became bedridden with assisted feeding. Please tell me this isn't the norm.....its not worth the risk.
Thanks for any input x

Could your money be better spent by getting someone to come to your home and care for Mum? I did that earlier this year, admittedly it was a member of the family, but a carer would be fine. It's a bit of a faff ordering all the food/meds/ etc in and leaving lists of how things work - but overall it was really really good.......... contact some agencies near you they should be able to advise.

 

[pinkwizard1]

Could your money be better spent by getting someone to come to your home and care for Mum? I did that earlier this year, admittedly it was a member of the family, but a carer would be fine. It's a bit of a faff ordering all the food/meds/ etc in and leaving lists of how things work - but overall it was really really good.......... contact some agencies near you they should be able to advise.

 

[pinkwizard1]

Thank you, I had thought btb wasn't sure of letting someone in, if it works it's probably much better for her thanks x

 

[Kevinl]

Respite care can and does work for many on here, but it's a matter of matching the person to the home be it for short or long term care.
The people that struggle the most in care with my wife are the ones that still have some capacity, they can understand enough to know that the strange people who come up and talk nonsense to them, take their things, touch them, take their food and drinks and all the rest have something wrong with them but they can get confused about why these people aren't behaving in a "normal" way and that can lead to friction and sometimes aggression.
I think (from what I've seen) that some people do go downhill in the first couple of weeks, they're unfamiliar with the people, the environment and are at a much greater risk of falls.
If as you say " knows what's going on and on the surface appears unaffected" then I'd be reluctant to put her in a dementia unit or at least visit it and see how you think she would fit in with the rest of the residents. From the way you describe her I'd class that as an MCI and look at residential homes rather than dementia units or EMI.
As Maryjoan suggests keeping her in a familiar environment might give you the option of getting the number of days you want and at less cost, if you only want a week then why pay for 2 weeks and what happens if it doesn't work out?
One man came in for respite and the home had to phone the family to take him away after 6 hours, once he was surrounded by strangers in a strange place he couldn't cope and became very aggressive even though he had no previous history of aggression, the family were shocked when they came to collect him and saw him ripping down curtains and threating to kill people let alone that he's punched some of the staff.
Sorry to be negative but as I say it's about matching the person to the place if you want it to work so I'd just be saying she had an MCI and looking at somewhere that fits her needs and abilities and not put her somewhere she'd be out of her depth.
K

 

[Tin]

If you can afford it, then finding someone to move into your home would be my choice. There are some good agencies out there that can introduce you to a suitable, temporary, residential carer/companion.

 

[pinkwizard1]

Respite care can and does work for many on here, but it's a matter of matching the person to the home be it for short or long term care.
The people that struggle the most in care with my wife are the ones that still have some capacity, they can understand enough to know that the strange people who come up and talk nonsense to them, take their things, touch them, take their food and drinks and all the rest have something wrong with them but they can get confused about why these people aren't behaving in a "normal" way and that can lead to friction and sometimes aggression.
I think (from what I've seen) that some people do go downhill in the first couple of weeks, they're unfamiliar with the people, the environment and are at a much greater risk of falls.
If as you say " knows what's going on and on the surface appears unaffected" then I'd be reluctant to put her in a dementia unit or at least visit it and see how you think she would fit in with the rest of the residents. From the way you describe her I'd class that as an MCI and look at residential homes rather than dementia units or EMI.
As Maryjoan suggests keeping her in a familiar environment might give you the option of getting the number of days you want and at less cost, if you only want a week then why pay for 2 weeks and what happens if it doesn't work out?
One man came in for respite and the home had to phone the family to take him away after 6 hours, once he was surrounded by strangers in a strange place he couldn't cope and became very aggressive even though he had no previous history of aggression, the family were shocked when they came to collect him and saw him ripping down curtains and threating to kill people let alone that he's punched some of the staff.
Sorry to be negative but as I say it's about matching the person to the place if you want it to work so I'd just be saying she had an MCI and looking at somewhere that fits her needs and abilities and not put her somewhere she'd be out of her depth.
K

Thank you. Although I didn't actually want to read your comments, I'm glad you wrote what you did as you've confirmed my fears. I'm not putting her anywhere. Thank you

 

[marionq]

My husband has just returned from two weeks respite. This was his third annual stay in the same care home. It is large, well staffed, very comfortable, lots of activities, dealing with a range of dementia and physical issues. It is run by a well known charity in association with the LA and NHS. I could not wish for better.

John settles well but has had some continence issues since he came home which I think is due to a change in his routine and a head cold infection he had before he went in. I am working on getting him back on track. Finding the right care for each person is paramount.

 

[FRED24]

my husband is in residential care home he doesn't like sitting in a lounge with the otherers as they are either asleep or staring into space my husband cries a lot to take him home he is not eating he has mixed dementia he's still in pain with gout he can limp along but cant walk far he still uses the toilet when needed and he knows who I am and is always pleased to see me but when he was home before going into hospital he often didn't know who I was I use to have to go out of our flat he use to go outside at night in his pyjama's looking for a caravan or thecar we use to own I was for ever ringing 111But now I am very tempted to have him home I am lost with out him we have been married 57 years I just don't know what to do