Getting help for my mother

[Sarasa]

Thank you @Rosettastone57. I phoned the radiography department at the hospital where she is due to have the scan to see if they had any suggestions about getting . They said try your GP would like this done, so we're going with that, and it's all routime, no questions asked, no one will know etc and see where that gets us. Both my brother and I think the nurse at the memory clinic could have got mum in if she'd just sat down and started chatting generally. Mum loves to chat and I'm sure she could have persuaded her to have some more formal tests if the nurse had tried being friendly. As it was as soon as she saw mum was refusing she backed off. I didn't think the fact that the nurse told me that dementia would get mentioned was helpful either. That will really give mum the jitters, as she has threatened suicide if anyone tells her she has dementia.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Thank you @Rosettastone57. I phoned the radiography department at the hospital where she is due to have the scan to see if they had any suggestions about getting . They said try your GP would like this done, so we're going with that, and it's all routime, no questions asked, no one will know etc and see where that gets us. Both my brother and I think the nurse at the memory clinic could have got mum in if she'd just sat down and started chatting generally. Mum loves to chat and I'm sure she could have persuaded her to have some more formal tests if the nurse had tried being friendly. As it was as soon as she saw mum was refusing she backed off. I didn't think the fact that the nurse told me that dementia would get mentioned was helpful either. That will really give mum the jitters, as she has threatened suicide if anyone tells her she has dementia.

It's a pity that the nurse obviously thought this was going to be the too difficult box. My husband and I never mentioned the word dementia to MIL just that there were a few memory problems. In fact as she had pre existing mental health problems anyway before the dementia diagnosis we knew she would never have accepted there was anything wrong with her. You are obviously trying your best with your mum . Good luck

 

[Sarasa]

I phoned mum yesterday to tell her about the brain scan booked in for tomorrow. She was more or less OK with the idea. She had one when she had a long-term severe earache and was telling me how the doctor said 'there was nothing there', which made her laugh. Trouble is I think there will probably be a lot less of what should be there this time.
She was also saying that her best friend told her that she should have talked to the nurse at the memory clinic as it wouldn't have been about remembering, but about working out if she'd had a trauma in her past that was causing her to think the neighbours are stealing stuff. Mum now agrees that she shouldn't have walked out so fingers crossed for next time. She still thinks the neighbours are doing stuff though, and we are all naive to think otherwise.
She went and had another row with them yesterday. Yesterdays accusation was that they had spread make-up all over her bed. I've seen a teeshirt of mum's covered in make-up and along with furniture moved around that mum also thinks the neighbours do, I'm assuming mum does stuff without realsiing what she's up to.
Mum also mentioned that she'd cooked her diner wrong and it wasn't very nice, I really think we are goig to have to insist she has some help in.

 

[Sarasa]

Well yesterday was a bit of a success and got mum for a brain scan. She was fine about it all. She didn't seem to connect it with the memory clinic appointment last week. We then went for lunch which she enjoyed, though her stories are becoming more and more disconected and confused.
Today my brother has had her on the phone going on about debit cards being deliberately 'moved'. They were found so no harm done. She told him she went to the local locksmiths and enquired about a £7,000 security system. Brother's phoned the company and explained and they understood, phew.
He's also phoned her GP and asked that they phone him or me about the results rather than mum, though I guess seeing a consultant is probably next on the list of things towards getting a diagnosis.

 

[Sarasa]

I went to visit mum today and though a bit woolly and vague was pretty good for mum recently. I left her going off to do a bit of shopping. Just had a phone call she'd lost her keys. They are in her flat somewhere I know as she's in there at the moment. She is of course convinced the neighbours have got them. It sounds heartless but there is no way I'm going to travel on public transport for ninty minutes plus (two trains and a bus) to find them for her. I've told her to keep searching and if she still can't find them ask one of neighbours she does trust to have a look for her. Mum has very poor eyesight so if they've dropped somewhere I can understand she might not be able to find them. I have promised to go over tomorrow if they still haven't turned up.
And she didn't to go shopping. I left her a minutes walk from Marks and Spencer but she forgot to go in as she felt she had to get home to do some washing.

 

[Sarasa]

We're still trying to chase up the results of the brain scan but in the meantime I've got someone from Help at Home coming to talk about their services next week. I hope mum is in a good mood and agrees to a bit of help. I've explained how adverse to the idea she is and I guess it's something they are used to.
I visited with my husband and son yesterday and we went out for dinner. Mum is still convinced the neighbours come in. She told me she'd found them breaking the door to her bathroom cabinet so she wouldn't hear when they came in to steal things and that they had taken her favourite frock (she was wearing it but claimed it wasn't the right one).
We went out for dinner, mum enjoyed herself though her conversation was a bit random. We all caught a bus that went passed her place (we were staying on till the station). She asked if I'd be safe going home then said that it would be OK as I had N with me. She then asked if he was staying the night, we've been married thirty odd years.
Compared to what others have described on here mum still seems to function just about on a day to day level and if she wasn't partially sighted would perhaps manage even better. These confusions and confabulation are a concern though.

 

[Rosettastone57]

We're still trying to chase up the results of the brain scan but in the meantime I've got someone from Help at Home coming to talk about their services next week. I hope mum is in a good mood and agrees to a bit of help. I've explained how adverse to the idea she is and I guess it's something they are used to.
I visited with my husband and son yesterday and we went out for dinner. Mum is still convinced the neighbours come in. She told me she'd found them breaking the door to her bathroom cabinet so she wouldn't hear when they came in to steal things and that they had taken her favourite frock (she was wearing it but claimed it wasn't the right one).
We went out for dinner, mum enjoyed herself though her conversation was a bit random. We all caught a bus that went passed her place (we were staying on till the station). She asked if I'd be safe going home then said that it would be OK as I had N with me. She then asked if he was staying the night, we've been married thirty odd years.
Compared to what others have described on here mum still seems to function just about on a day to day level and if she wasn't partially sighted would perhaps manage even better. These confusions and confabulation are a concern though.

Good luck with a help at home services you are obviously trying to do your best

 

[Sarasa]

Person from Help at Home came to visit today. A lovely person that mum enjoyed talking to. Although mum turned down having anyone come in at the moment, at least we've opened the discussion. It is annoying as it is what mum needs. She was being annoyed because a neighbour (a man!) refused to take down her rubbish when she asked, but she sees that in a different light to someone coming in on an official basis.
When I arrived she was very cross and had just phoned up the management committee of the flats. The reason for her anger, someone had been in and fiddled with her dishwasher so she couldn't put a tablet in it. Oh no they hadn't, mum just couldn't see there was a tablet already in there and seems to have forgotten exactly how it works.
As for doing my best I think I should be doing a lot more, but with someone so insistant that they are perfectly fine it is tricky. I think we are waiting for the major crisis, falling over being found wandering, before we can get something in place.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Person from Help at Home came to visit today. A lovely person that mum enjoyed talking to. Although mum turned down having anyone come in at the moment, at least we've opened the discussion. It is annoying as it is what mum needs. She was being annoyed because a neighbour (a man!) refused to take down her rubbish when she asked, but she sees that in a different light to someone coming in on an official basis.
When I arrived she was very cross and had just phoned up the management committee of the flats. The reason for her anger, someone had been in and fiddled with her dishwasher so she couldn't put a tablet in it. Oh no they hadn't, mum just couldn't see there was a tablet already in there and seems to have forgotten exactly how it works.
As for doing my best I think I should be doing a lot more, but with someone so insistant that they are perfectly fine it is tricky. I think we are waiting for the major crisis, falling over being found wandering, before we can get something in place.

I don't think you should beat yourself up over this. Sometimes you have to wait for a crisis to occur. Sad but true as you say. My MIL often says the carer is taking things or swapping things. She has lost the capacity to reason and recognise familiar objects. Very difficult to deal with

 

[Sarasa]

Mum has the results of the scan. It shows nothing more than 'normal' age related shrinkage. There was a lot of technical jargon and I'm hoping I've persuaded my mother to make an appointment with her lovely GP to get him to explain it, though in fact what i want is to say things are far from normal.
Her memory is variable, and certainly doesn't seem as bad as I would expect in someone with dementia who is as convinced as she is that the neighbours are in her flat all the time doing things. The latest is that they've told her they broke her bathroom cabinet door deliberatly so she couldn't hear them stealing her toiletries and paracetamol. She also seems to find it hard to understand general conversation. I asked her what she though about Boris Johnson's resignation. Mum is usually very clued up about politics, but she didn't know it had happened, looked very confused and said 'but he still has the same haircut doesn't he?'
Most worrying from my point of view is the ease at which she gets angry. She spent an evening screaming down the phone at me last week when I said I wouldn't go on holiday with her. Yesterday she seemed fine, and OK about my decision, but I've just had a voice mail on my mobile with her ranting at me for having changed personality. She had to phone my brother for my number. She usually phones my landline (special loud phone for me as I'm deaf) but she appears to have lost her list of numbers. No doubt the neighbours took them.

 

[Cazzita]

Mum has the results of the scan. It shows nothing more than 'normal' age related shrinkage. There was a lot of technical jargon and I'm hoping I've persuaded my mother to make an appointment with her lovely GP to get him to explain it, though in fact what i want is to say things are far from normal.
Her memory is variable, and certainly doesn't seem as bad as I would expect in someone with dementia who is as convinced as she is that the neighbours are in her flat all the time doing things. The latest is that they've told her they broke her bathroom cabinet door deliberatly so she couldn't hear them stealing her toiletries and paracetamol. She also seems to find it hard to understand general conversation. I asked her what she though about Boris Johnson's resignation. Mum is usually very clued up about politics, but she didn't know it had happened, looked very confused and said 'but he still has the same haircut doesn't he?'
Most worrying from my point of view is the ease at which she gets angry. She spent an evening screaming down the phone at me last week when I said I wouldn't go on holiday with her. Yesterday she seemed fine, and OK about my decision, but I've just had a voice mail on my mobile with her ranting at me for having changed personality. She had to phone my brother for my number. She usually phones my landline (special loud phone for me as I'm deaf) but she appears to have lost her list of numbers. No doubt the neighbours took them.

Wow, I am amazed to hear that your mum's scan is nothing more than 'age related' as certainly seems like your mum might have some kind of dementia related illness from how you describe her reactions, you just ever know. Wonder what my mum's scan will reveal...
Can I ask how long since the scan you received the result?
Good luck with the doctor and the explanations xx

 

[Cazzita]

Wow, I am amazed to hear that your mum's scan is nothing more than 'age related' as certainly seems like your mum might have some kind of dementia related illness from how you describe her reactions, you just ever know. Wonder what my mum's scan will reveal...
Can I ask how long since the scan you received the result?
Good luck with the doctor and the explanations xx

Actually Sarasa, I see your mum's result was within a month, we have already waited a little longer.

 

[Sarasa]

It took about a month and a lot of chasing up by my brother, my mum and the doctor's surgery to get the results @Cazzita. Apparently the results got lost, which the doctor's surgery says happens quite often.
I went to see mum yesterday. She was very pleasant, but very vague, and seemed to find it difficult to follow any conversations that I tried to start.
She'd already phoned up her flat's management company's handyman before I got there. According to her the neighbours are able to switch on her bathroom heater remotely . The handyman seems to have coped with the call remarkably well, though I do wonder if the management company will start putting preasure on the family to get mum to sell the flat as they have already hinted that they think she may be unsafe living alone.

 

[Cazzita]

It took about a month and a lot of chasing up by my brother, my mum and the doctor's surgery to get the results @Cazzita. Apparently the results got lost, which the doctor's surgery says happens quite often.
I went to see mum yesterday. She was very pleasant, but very vague, and seemed to find it difficult to follow any conversations that I tried to start.
She'd already phoned up her flat's management company's handyman before I got there. According to her the neighbours are able to switch on her bathroom heater remotely . The handyman seems to have coped with the call remarkably well, though I do wonder if the management company will start putting preasure on the family to get mum to sell the flat as they have already hinted that they think she may be unsafe living alone.

Thanks so much Sarasa, I think I need to start chasing more then as it's too long to wait for a diagnosis. Your poor mum - the things they think and say and they think it's all 'normal.' Great that the handyman coped well and it reminds me that my mum approached the builder quoting for her kitchen recently and she got hold of his very tattooed arm and began stroking it... no inhibitions these days! Good luck with it all

 

[Sarasa]

@Cazzita, it sounds like you need to do a bit of chasing. I hope the results are clearer than my mums.
My mum tends to flirt with workmen, waiters etc. She then says inappropriate things loudly such as 'Isn't he handsome, but I think he's gay.' She still thinks she has a chance of catching herself a gorgeous young man.

 

[Cazzita]

@Cazzita, it sounds like you need to do a bit of chasing. I hope the results are clearer than my mums.
My mum tends to flirt with workmen, waiters etc. She then says inappropriate things loudly such as 'Isn't he handsome, but I think he's gay.' She still thinks she has a chance of catching herself a gorgeous young man.

Hi Sarasa, we got the call today, the results are in and the memory clinic lady is coming out to see us this Wednesday! I am so pleased that the results are in at least but of course I am also dreading it. Mum still thinks there is nothing wrong with her and thinks Ronald Reagan is President and Margaret Thatcher is PM!
Oh my mum is wildly inappropriate - saying things like 'do you think that man would be interested in having sex with me?' No, mum, definitely not! Will keep you posted on results on Wednesday. Hope you have a good weekend and that your mum behaves herself as well as she can!

 

[Sarasa]

Glad you got someone coming out @Cazzita , hope that's the start of getting some support in place.
I'm away this weekend, and phoned mum today to remind her I'll be out of reach. She sounded fine, talking about a meal with friends then went on to say the neighbours keep on leaving her lights and heating on. I couldn't resist saying 'Are you sure it's not you?' even though I knew what the answer would be.

 

[Cazzita]

Thank you! Enjoy your time away from the madness that we are coming to know on a daily basis It's hard to resist saying things like that sometimes but it is what it is and yes, you will always know what the answer is! Have fun

 

[Sarasa]

Hope things go well tomorrow @Cazzita, your mum co-operates and you are able to start getting things in place.
I'm just back from my lovely relaxing long weekend away. The only blip was the messages from husband and brother on Sunday night about mum mislaying her keys. They were in her flat somewhere, but she called out the police as she was sure the neighbours had them. Shortly after, mum found them of course. Apparently a policeman is coming round to chat to her today. Last time they called they took my number but have never contacted me, anyone else had this happen and did the poilice get in touch? During this mini-crisis my sister in law thinks she managed to persuade my mum that she need some help wth cleaning etc. I hope she hasn't changed her mind, but I'll see when I visit tomorrow.
We really need to get mum back to the GP to start the getting diagnosed circus on the road again.

 

[Rosettastone57]

Hope things go well tomorrow @Cazzita, your mum co-operates and you are able to start getting things in place.
I'm just back from my lovely relaxing long weekend away. The only blip was the messages from husband and brother on Sunday night about mum mislaying her keys. They were in her flat somewhere, but she called out the police as she was sure the neighbours had them. Shortly after, mum found them of course. Apparently a policeman is coming round to chat to her today. Last time they called they took my number but have never contacted me, anyone else had this happen and did the poilice get in touch? During this mini-crisis my sister in law thinks she managed to persuade my mum that she need some help wth cleaning etc. I hope she hasn't changed her mind, but I'll see when I visit tomorrow.
We really need to get mum back to the GP to start the getting diagnosed circus on the road again.

Hi my mother-in-law had contact with the police after the care link called them when she was hallucinating late at night. The police sent two officers around to make sure that property had not been broken into. It was the police's protocol that they informed social services . In fact I got a call from a social worker about two or three days later after this police referral. Mother-in-law had already being diagnosed at this point so it was a case of just chatting with the social worker and getting some advice