I haven't posted for a while. My mother who has vascular dementia moved into a care home in October.after 4 years of living with me and my partner.
I couldn't give her the support and care that she needed. So following advice from the professional's I agreed to move her into care.
I spent a lot of time choosing the care home and was pleasantly surprised when mum settled in very quickly. Mum always seems happy. It is not perfect but I think I may have unrealistic expectations. Most of the staff are kind and thoughtful. Mum has a group of friends. I visit every couple of days and carry out activities with mum and her friends. We have a great time. Mum doesn't always know who I am but she is always pleased to see me.
All sounds pretty good so why do I feel so bad? I feel sad, angry, useless and guilty.
I cry for no apparent reason.
Is this some sort of grieving or am I going bonkers?
You most certainly are not going bonkers! One assumes that if your loved one is happy in a Care Home, being well looked after and seemingly settled into a new 'home', that this will alleviate troublesome feelings which hitherto were commonplace as a carer at home. The positive aspect of being 'settled' and 'happy' can only be to the good. That is what one wishes for above all else in terms of 'best interests' when residential care becomes essential.
"Why do I feel so bad?". Well, despite the very pleasing outcome for your mother, which we must acknowledge as a huge plus, what remains is the fact that you are no longer that direct contact as carer because your mother has moved away from you and your home. The care is now in the hands of others, that 'relationship' has changed and there is that sense of detachment or perhaps apprehension over a widening gap between yourself and your mother, simply due to the fact that she is no longer with you as before. This is compounded by the fact that the dementia affects recognition and memory and if you are not always recognized when visiting your mother, adds to that sense of 'loss'. What was once a true connection, now seems more remote. So, what do we do? We look to the facts which remain facts and which are in our favour. You remain the daughter, for ever.
You know your mother and the care you gave her when she was at home, BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE . This is so important, because it is an undeniable fact. A truth. You know about every facet of that care and all about your own journey along that pathway. Armed with all of that, you are visiting on a regular basis and joining in with activities, as you most certainly should. This means you can 'guide' those who are now caring in all you know about your mother and I repeat that it is YOU and YOU alone who wave that all so important flag. By all means, feel sad or angry when those feelings well up without warning,
but NEVER feel "useless and guilty".
You now participate in your mother's care in a different way, but your participation is vital and in accord with those who now care on a daily basis. That very,very special daughter-mother relationship is unique to you and your mother, made all the more special because you have journeyed through the dementia/care process with all the inherent feelings which that journey evokes. And you must continue with it, as you clearly demonstrate here, you are so doing.
YOU know your mother better than anyone else, that alone must be cherished and by still 'connecting', even when dementia clouds recognition, that connection is both precious and essential.
With warmest good wishes.