Dad thinks I'm his wife and acts quite inappropriately

[Elle3]

Hi everyone.

I'm looking for a bit of advice, I have another thread going about my dad (Crisis Point after nine days in a care home). But I thought I should post this separately.

My dad is in a care home, his second care home in just 5 weeks, the first one didn't work out. A couple of weeks ago when I visited dad, he started telling me over and over that he loved me, that he wanted to kiss me and that he wanted to take me to bed and have a sex with me, I think he thought I was his wife. Yes very cringey. At first I thought it was quite funny and I thought it just might be a one off.

Well apparently not, nearly every time I visit dad now in the care home, at some point he starts telling me loves me and starts acting inappropriately.

I am hoping I am not the only one this has happened to as I would like some advice on how to deal with it, as it's beginning to put me off from wanting to visit dad. Today I only stayed 20 minutes as I couldn't cope with it any longer and when I left I tried to give him a hug goodbye, but he tried kissing and groping me. I have tried telling him I'm his daughter, he's my dad, but he just says I can't be your dad. I've also tried mentioning my husband, but then this upsets him as he thinks I'm leaving him for another man.

Help please?

Thanks.
Elle x

 

[Baby Bunty]

Elle3...i cant comment on this personally..but can understand its hard and very distessing for you..but its the dementia!!..how cruel it is is beyond me!!.In my mums home..a beautiful lovely gentlemen who lived there was convienced another resident was his wife..his poor wife and daughter use to visit him daily and he would walk around holding hands.;and introduce the other resident as his wife to everyone..including his poor wife and daughter..you could actually see the heart break in his real wifes eyes and daughter..they were totally hesrtbroken!!!..sorry i know this isnt the same..however my heart goes out to you..i know its easier said then done..but please remember always that it is the dementia!!..and remember this isnt how your dad would be..without this cruel vile disease!!..bless you and take care.xxx

 

[Elle3]

Elle3...i cant comment on this personally..but can understand its hard and very distessing for you..but its the dementia!!..how cruel it is is beyond me!!.In my mums home..a beautiful lovely gentlemen who lived there was convienced another resident was his wife..his poor wife and daughter use to visit him daily and he would walk around holding hands.;and introduce the other resident as his wife to everyone..including his poor wife and daughter..you could actually see the heart break in his real wifes eyes and daughter..they were totally hesrtbroken!!!..sorry i know this isnt the same..however my heart goes out to you..i know its easier said then done..but please remember always that it is the dementia!!..and remember this isnt how your dad would be..without this cruel vile disease!!..bless you and take care.xxx

Thank you Baby Bunty, I understand it's the Dementia and that he can't help it. I'm just hoping I can get some tips on how to deal with it better. I don't want to let it put me off from visiting.

It must be awful for that mans wife and daughter, what a real shame.

Elle x

 

[Baby Bunty]

Thinking off you.xxx

 

[Amethyst59]

I think, if it were me, I would ask the carers for advice. They must have seen this before, as I think it is, sadly, quite common. My only suggestion is to distract him with something, when he begins to act like this. And maybe to refrain from hugging him at the moment, though I know this would be upsetting.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hello Elle. You're not the only one who this has happened to. My dad at one time started making inappropriate advances to my daughter (his grand daughter). There's no way he'd have done this if he hadn't had dementia and his behaviour was brought on by a change in medication so was easily remedied once we realised the cause.

It's a really difficult thing to deal with and for a long time I had to make sure he was never alone with my daughter. He didn't think he was married to her though.

I know that @Ann Mac had problems with her MIL thinking that her son (Ann's Hubby) was her husband. I think it's fairly common. Do you look like your mum?

I wonder if something like changing the colour of your hair, or covering it, would change your dad's perception? With my dad he liked dark haired ladies like my daughter, not blondes like me. We both resemble my late mum apart from hair colour. Mum had brown hair.

 

[Rolypoly]

I was going to suggest the same as Amethyst59. Speak to the care staff, not only might they be able to give advice and strategies, they might also be on hand to step in and provide a distraction. Upsetting though it may be, don’t sit too close to him or hug or hold his hand, anything that, in his mind, affirms his beliefs. Changing your appearance in some way as bunpoots suggested may also work. Hopefully this way of thinking and difficult situation will be short lived.

 

[Malalie]

Oh dear - this is obviously getting uncomfortable... As you know, we had it the other way round like with Ann Mac in that MIL thought her son was her husband, (the kiss on the cheek where she turned her head around and he nearly got a Frenchie left him totally mortified!) but fortunately in MILs case, it seemed to be a phase that waned with time....as she became more poorly I suppose.

Does it happen when you are in the communal areas too? Taking someone in with you may help, but I realise this is difficult. I think that Amethysts and Bunpoots advice is good - I bet the carers have seen it all before.

Trouble is, when I look into the mirror I see my Mums face too - can't really blame him.... I do hope someone comes up with some good strategies to help.

 

[mrjelly]

Maybe dressing differently or a false beard would help. (Depending on his eyesight.)

 

[love.dad.but..]

I replied a few weeks ago to a similar post from you on your other thread. There are strategies and ways of using your body language where and how you sit or stand in proximity to your dad and recognising the warning signs in your dad's behaviour that can be employed to try to lessen this. I suggested you speak to senior carers for advice as they will have seen this before in extreme cases medication can be given to lessen the sexual thoughts. Dad went through a phase whilst not verbally sexually suggestive to me...thought I was mum and tried to verbalize and demonstrate things like laying on the bed beside him but it was more in the looking for comfort type of way. My voice was quite similar to mum's

 

[myss]

The head of a support group I attend had a similar thing happen to him in that his mother used to think he was her partner. It used to switch between that and then talking to him about her partner coming round soon, but I don't think anything amorous happened. The most that happened was that he 'had' to take out his car (her insistence) to the local McDonalds which she took as a upmarket restaurant (well it was a few years ago) and by the time they got home, she would fall asleep and not remember much about it when she woke up.

What a tricky situation.

 

[Elle3]

I think, if it were me, I would ask the carers for advice. They must have seen this before, as I think it is, sadly, quite common. My only suggestion is to distract him with something, when he begins to act like this. And maybe to refrain from hugging him at the moment, though I know this would be upsetting.

Thank you Amethyst 59, I have been trying to distract him, but its just not working. I spoke to one of the carers today and he said dad was pointing to the photo of me in his room this morning and telling him, thats my wife, even though the photograph includes my husband and two sons, he seems to choosing to ignore that.

 

[Elle3]

Maybe dressing differently or a false beard would help. (Depending on his eyesight.)

Lol Mrjelly, I love that suggestion, but I think I might get some funny looks. His eyesight is pretty good too.

 

[Elle3]

Hello Elle. You're not the only one who this has happened to. My dad at one time started making inappropriate advances to my daughter (his grand daughter). There's no way he'd have done this if he hadn't had dementia and his behaviour was brought on by a change in medication so was easily remedied once we realised the cause.

It's a really difficult thing to deal with and for a long time I had to make sure he was never alone with my daughter. He didn't think he was married to her though.

I know that @Ann Mac had problems with her MIL thinking that her son (Ann's Hubby) was her husband. I think it's fairly common. Do you look like your mum?

I wonder if something like changing the colour of your hair, or covering it, would change your dad's perception? With my dad he liked dark haired ladies like my daughter, not blondes like me. We both resemble my late mum apart from hair colour. Mum had brown hair.

Thanks Bunpoots, Oh no, how troubling for your daughter, I’m glad it was soon rectified though and you found it was down to medication. Now I think of it, this has only started since dad got put on Trazodone. Before dad went into a care home I’d been washing and changing dad at home for about 14 months and not once did he act inappropriately, it’s only since he’s been in care and on meds that it started. Maybe I should speak to the nurse about it.

I would never admit to looking like my mum, but we both did have brown hair, but mines darker.

 

[mrjelly]

Lol Mrjelly, I love that suggestion, but I think I might get some funny looks. His eyesight is pretty good too.

Glad you weren't offended by my light-heartedness. I know beards always put me right off.

How about stick-on warts though?

 

[Elle3]

I was going to suggest the same as Amethyst59. Speak to the care staff, not only might they be able to give advice and strategies, they might also be on hand to step in and provide a distraction. Upsetting though it may be, don’t sit too close to him or hug or hold his hand, anything that, in his mind, affirms his beliefs. Changing your appearance in some way as bunpoots suggested may also work. Hopefully this way of thinking and difficult situation will be short lived.

Thank you Rolypoly, I have been trying to keep my distance and making sure we stay in areas where there are other people and I’m finding I’m encouraging others to talk to us too. Bunpoots said something about medication with has now got me thinking, as dad only starting acting inappropriately since he started on the meds, so I will speak to the nurse about that.

I think when I visit tomorrow I might take my son with me and see if that helps

 

[Elle3]

Glad you weren't offended by my light-heartedness. I know beards always put me right off.

Not at all it gave my husband and I a good belly laugh. He kept looking at me after trying to imagine me with a beard.

 

[Hazara8]

Hi everyone.

I'm looking for a bit of advice, I have another thread going about my dad (Crisis Point after nine days in a care home). But I thought I should post this separately.

My dad is in a care home, his second care home in just 5 weeks, the first one didn't work out. A couple of weeks ago when I visited dad, he started telling me over and over that he loved me, that he wanted to kiss me and that he wanted to take me to bed and have a sex with me, I think he thought I was his wife. Yes very cringey. At first I thought it was quite funny and I thought it just might be a one off.

Well apparently not, nearly every time I visit dad now in the care home, at some point he starts telling me loves me and starts acting inappropriately.

I am hoping I am not the only one this has happened to as I would like some advice on how to deal with it, as it's beginning to put me off from wanting to visit dad. Today I only stayed 20 minutes as I couldn't cope with it any longer and when I left I tried to give him a hug goodbye, but he tried kissing and groping me. I have tried telling him I'm his daughter, he's my dad, but he just says I can't be your dad. I've also tried mentioning my husband, but then this upsets him as he thinks I'm leaving him for another man.

Help please?

Thanks.
Elle x

A tricky situation. Inhibitions go and the dementia brings about inappropriate behaviour. Distraction might be useful as soon as the behaviour commences, else reassert just who you are as soon as you enter the room. Best not to 'argue' the point. The Care Staff should assist you in tactics, albeit it can be quite difficult to offer 'general' advice, as every situation presents its own challenges. This might sound odd and perhaps not too comfortable for you - but just as an experiment, try shaking hands as if more a visitor than a daughter. And check with the Care Home and GP on the 'delirium' front.

This must be very difficult for you and I hope things resolve for the better. When Alzheimer's advances, often this kind of behaviour abates. There are no rules.

 

[Amy in the US]

Elle, I'm sorry. This must be stressful and distressing both.

I don't have great ideas other than what has been suggested: definitely talk to the staff, maybe a medication review, visit in public areas only, and so on. You might want to remove that one family photo, if it's confusing him or acting as a trigger for this behavior.

This may not seem relevant, but please bear with me. When I visit my mother by myself, versus when I visit with my husband, she responds VERY differently. Something about the two of us being with her versus just me, seems to trigger different behavior and responses on her part. So I wonder if you don't visit by yourself, if that would possibly see a different reaction from your dad? It might be worth a try.

Sorry I can't be of more practical help.

 

[Elle3]

I replied a few weeks ago to a similar post from you on your other thread. There are strategies and ways of using your body language where and how you sit or stand in proximity to your dad and recognising the warning signs in your dad's behaviour that can be employed to try to lessen this. I suggested you speak to senior carers for advice as they will have seen this before in extreme cases medication can be given to lessen the sexual thoughts. Dad went through a phase whilst not verbally sexually suggestive to me...thought I was mum and tried to verbalize and demonstrate things like laying on the bed beside him but it was more in the looking for comfort type of way. My voice was quite similar to mum's

Yes I remember, love.dad.but that you replied to me last time on my other thread, and that was useful. I’ve been making sure I don’t go anywhere alone with him and I sit usually in chairs with a table between us but it seems not to make any difference. Sometimes he’s totally fine and then suddenly out of the blue he will just say “I do love you, you know” and I can just tell his whole demeanour changes and it gets creepy. At this point I’ve started to tell him I have to go, especially if I’ve already been there a while, but then he looks so hurt and I feel so guilty. I have spoken to the carers and asked for advice, but to be honest they haven’t been able to give any, although they have come and sat with us and tried distracting him for me.