That 'normal existence' one speaks of, is challenged quite significantly when you enter that quite extraordinary world of 'dementia'. In a way, it brings to mind the time that I lost my father, rather unexpectedly and whilst walking through town, seemed hypersensitive to everything going on around me. What was once 'normal' - people chatting, shopping, smiling, going about their business - was no longer so. "Why are these people acting as if nothing has happened?" "Why does that blue sky filled with pristine white clouds, no longer look the same?". It seemed to me, then as a now, that once you are faced with that 'reality', the undeniable, unavoidable, factual and truthful 'reality' which is set before you when you are caring for a loved one with dementia,then the everyday matters, those things which appear to be so important 'normally', change and quite simply become almost irrelevant. I actually gave up work and in so doing, soon became oblivious to any ambition whatsoever - my focus, my utter preoccupation was with my mother - not simply because it was mother and she required care, but it was mother in the merciless possession of dementia and that very fundamental reality, which this disease opens up, also brings about what is quite simply a living relationship with undeniable TRUTH. As with the bereavement cited earlier, there is no escape from this and it colours everything by the sheer nature of its being. Melodramatic? Perhaps, when you have not been down that path, like so many things in life. It should be no surprise to feel the way you do. Caring for someone with dementia, especially when the relationship is so close, opens up feelings and an awareness often not touched upon in 'normal' life. That whole spectrum of emotions that we humans are prone to - hope, anxiety, fear, frustration, confusion, pain, despair, anger, guilt, exhaustion, depression, expectation, and so on and so forth - become a kind of 'norm'. Is it any wonder that the prospect of job-seeking, earning a crust, all the daily practicable matters which enable us to function in the world and yes, even preparing a meal, seem, at times utterly trite as if to impinge on what really matters. That "here and now" truth, which registers so starkly on the face of your loved one, in those moments of real need, is what is meant, I suggest, by 'humanity' in essence and these other matters - important as they clearly are - can never address that truth, albeit that they are termed 'normal existence'. You touch something far deeper in dementia world and that, perhaps, never really leaves you and your perspective on 'life' changes, maybe for ever.
and although we had a scare a few weeks back with Mum in hospital, tomorrow my husband and I are flying to Australia for a week ( im in New Zealand) for his sisters 60th.
