Can I ... Should I?

[Sam Luvit]

So, Op on Thursday, I thought I was pretty out if it, but Mum told me tonight I was in complete control (how little she knows!!)

Friday was the anniversary of dad, brother turned up & we sort of all hung out together, I’m pretty sure I was on auto pilot, catching up, I know I got him to help me make mums bed as I changed her sheets. He looked pretty bemused, but he helped

It was crash n burn today. I’ve crawled into the lounge & slept in between getting her to the bathroom several times, then I zonked out this afternoon

I woke to find her standing next to me. No zimmer. All pleased with herself. She told me she’s been walking around the kitchen without the frame. I was so cross. Honestly don’t know why she does this. The stroke team are adamant she needs the zimmer & is at risk of losing her balance & toppling over, so she waits till I am sleeping & try’s to walk unaided & unsupervised & can’t see why I was freaking out

The support worker turned up shortly after this & told me she was very wobbly in the bathroom. She was very unsteady all evening & going up to bed

I know logic has gone out the window (she never had much to start with), but she’s been so good at accepting that what I tell her is in her best interests that I can’t understand this. Am I in denial?

I’ve tucked her in with pooch. She’s so compliant. I feel so bad about it. My fiery independent Mum, being put to bed by the daughter she’s fought most of her life. It’s so .... wrong. So, not Mum.

How easily we slip into parenting our parents. At times I feel like I’m not really me.

Although she has moments of flying in the face of reason & I want to scream at her ( I even tell her that occasionally), she then crumbles into this shadow of a person, who lets me tuck her in, turn off her light & kiss her goodnight.

Where is my Mum?

 

[Margi29]

So, Op on Thursday, I thought I was pretty out if it, but Mum told me tonight I was in complete control (how little she knows!!)

Friday was the anniversary of dad, brother turned up & we sort of all hung out together, I’m pretty sure I was on auto pilot, catching up, I know I got him to help me make mums bed as I changed her sheets. He looked pretty bemused, but he helped

It was crash n burn today. I’ve crawled into the lounge & slept in between getting her to the bathroom several times, then I zonked out this afternoon

I woke to find her standing next to me. No zimmer. All pleased with herself. She told me she’s been walking around the kitchen without the frame. I was so cross. Honestly don’t know why she does this. The stroke team are adamant she needs the zimmer & is at risk of losing her balance & toppling over, so she waits till I am sleeping & try’s to walk unaided & unsupervised & can’t see why I was freaking out

The support worker turned up shortly after this & told me she was very wobbly in the bathroom. She was very unsteady all evening & going up to bed

I know logic has gone out the window (she never had much to start with), but she’s been so good at accepting that what I tell her is in her best interests that I can’t understand this. Am I in denial?

I’ve tucked her in with pooch. She’s so compliant. I feel so bad about it. My fiery independent Mum, being put to bed by the daughter she’s fought most of her life. It’s so .... wrong. So, not Mum.

How easily we slip into parenting our parents. At times I feel like I’m not really me.

Although she has moments of flying in the face of reason & I want to scream at her ( I even tell her that occasionally), she then crumbles into this shadow of a person, who lets me tuck her in, turn off her light & kiss her goodnight.

Where is my Mum?

I know exactly how you feel, heartbreaking and frustrating.
Mum is similar to a small child now, sometimes she does as I ask. Sometimes the rebel in her pops up

 

[love.dad.but..]

I know exactly how you feel tucking parents into bed. Dad would always blow me a kiss after tucking him in and after saying goodnight and turning the light off I would turn to blow a kiss back and he would every time make the sign of the cross to me! Broke my heart every time It was usually 6pm! I knew I would be repeating that many times during the night. Just the wrong way round isn't? I hope you are feeling a little better now

 

[Slugsta]

Evening all,

We got home around 11.00am today and have now unpacked, returned sitter to her home and made a start on the washing mountain. I have skimmed back over the thread but not read in depth, so please forgive me if I miss out anything significant.

Sam, I am glad that your op is now over and done with - but really do sympathise with the restrictions associated with it. You do sound thoroughly exhausted so I hope that the holiday plans work out as you want. (((mega hugs)))

(((hugs))) to the rest of you too.

 

[Sam Luvit]

I know exactly how you feel, heartbreaking and frustrating.
Mum is similar to a small child now, sometimes she does as I ask. Sometimes the rebel in her pops up

That’s it exactly @Margi29 , Mum is very like a young child, doing as she’s told.

 

[Sam Luvit]

... Just the wrong way round isn't? I hope you are feeling a little better now

Hi @love.dad.but.. it is the wrong way round. Although I find it really sad, she is much easier to cope with. When the rebel comes out to play I want to run away

I am more rested, eldest turned up, in a good mood, very helpful too. He folded sheets, helped me strip & make my bed, found s home for mums broken chair & even picked up some shopping

That’s two members of the family that have found the train station this week ... I’m in shock

 

[Amethyst59]

Keeping an eye on things here, Sam. Love x x

 

[jugglingmum]

I found that I could get my mum to do things by speaking to her like a child. After the stress for years of trying to get her to help herself and look after herself, and then arguments before I realised treating her like a toddler worked, it actually felt a relief, and as my son was only 8 at the time, I was still in that frame of mind of talking to a young child.

I'm sorry it is so upsetting, it is part of the never ending downward spiral.

At the time I was so relieved that the mini crisis I needed to take charge had happened and in the midst of sorting it out that anything that worked was a bonus.

Not that I ever got to the stage of tucking her into bed.

And as for the zimmer frame, when mum was in rehab she thought walking without it would get her back to her flat quicker, so she was a danger to herself and others charging around at speed carrying it, so they kicked her out.

She tried to avoid it at first, but then on an unsteady day she used it and now is in the habit, it helps that she sees loads of others in her flat complex using them when they go to the restaurant, but she couldn't understand when I spoke to her why she needed to use it, she couldn't remember being in hospital, and had no comprehension, so no point arguing with a PWD as we well know.

Never sure how compassionate communication fits into getting them to use a walking frame or similar.

 

[Sam Luvit]

Sam, I am glad that your op is now over and done with - but really do sympathise with the restrictions associated with it. You do sound thoroughly exhausted so I hope that the holiday plans work out as you want. (((mega hugs)))

(((hugs))) to the rest of you too.

Hi @Slugsta

Welcome home, I’m sure you wish it has lasted another week, but I hope you enjoyed the time you had. I just hate the mountain of washing & clearing up on returning.

Im pleased the Op us over, but it’s made me realise that if I do go ahead with the various “replacements”, I will have to get things in place as no way can I do this again. It’s so restricting & annoying to be unable to dress, wash or cook without lots of planning & help. I’m slobbing around as pulling up jeans wouId mean no top button, as for tops, I need to be able to put them on feet first

I’ve trued searching for the holiday, but I keep loosing focus or gasping at the cost. It’s feeling like a pipe dream right now, but tomorrow is another chance to start the search again .. onward & upwards

 

[Sam Luvit]

Keeping an eye on things here, Sam. Love x x

I’m being very good .... honest

 

[Amethyst59]

I’m sure you are x x

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi @jugglingmum

I think I’ve heard people talking to people in this “child” way & I sort of slipped into it, it works, so I do it a lot. It seems ok, but then I hear myself, then I question myself. Seriously, I’m saying things like “ok sweetheart, let’s get those shoes off” or “have a shower, you’ll feel so much better & I’ll have a yummy breakfast ready for you”, I mean, really, she 83 & I’m talking to her like I did my 5 year old.

It’s later, when she’s had a burst of “old mum” that I find the parenting her so wrong.

I know Mum wants to get on with how her life was, I’m also pretty sure that’s not going to happen from various comments from Physio, stroke team etc, but ... I think she thinks that if she shows them all she can walk, then they will go away & normal life will resume. She’s treating the stroke like a broken leg, as if she she just needs to walk & it’ll be fine.

She will walk (too fast) down the stairs, then an hour later, she’s doing one step, one step. Right foot down one step, then left leg to the same step. Telling me she can’t put her left leg down 2 steps IYKWIM. I try telling her to lead with the left leg, but she says it’s not possible, no one walks like that. An hour later, she’s off again, walking down steps but too fast.

She’s trying the stop 2 steps up & leap for the zimmer again, I think Physio has warned them he needed to change his trousers when she did it to him & some are feeling the same!!!

She’s also started putting the clothes I’ve put out away & replacing with clothes she’s already worn. I suspect from the slight whiff, she’s putting some dirty clothes in the drawers, which means I’ll have to sort & wash everything again. I’m too tired to think about that. I’ve done 3 loads today & the thought of several days of continual washing is not appealing, but neither is the whiff.

I tried joking about it with her tonight, it saved an argument. I asked her why she wants to wear yesterday’s clothes. She said I’m washing them too much & she won’t have anything to wear. I’m guessing that’s reverting to memories of childhood, no money & not wearing out clothes

Anyway. I told her she could wear the same things, but I don’t understand why she wants to, as there are food stains on them, so I need to get them out. She had a laugh about being a bit mucky. We’ve agreed to at least try to start the day off clean & see how it goes. She was laughing, so that’s better than fighting

I tuck her in like a child, encourage pooch to join her & she drifts off stroking him. He then sneaks off & finds somewhere else to sleep, but if he goes early, she is just like a child, crying out for him to come back. I feel for him, but I also feel for Mum.

 

[Sam Luvit]

I’m sure you are x x

I don’t believe that you don’t believe me. That’s not fair “pout”

 

[Sam Luvit]

Oh My Gosh. Hoist the flags, find the bunting, they finally got it right

Mid way through week three they have finally managed to get Mums meds in a blister pack, without me having to remove duplicates or add replacements

I’m so shocked ..... I’m sitting down .... having a coffee.

 

[Margi29]

Oh My Gosh. Hoist the flags, find the bunting, they finally got it right

Mid way through week three they have finally managed to get Mums meds in a blister pack, without me having to remove duplicates or add replacements

I’m so shocked ..... I’m sitting down .... having a coffee.

At last, someone with a brain

 

[Sam Luvit]

I felt such relief when I could just hand the blister pack to Mum & not have to pop pills from boxes to add, while taking out others

Yay. That light is back on at the end of the tunnel. So bright it’s blinding me @Margi29

 

[Amy in the US]

Sam, it doesn't seem right that we should have to celebrate someone simply doing their job correctly, but as it makes your life easier, I will happily break out the bunting and cake and champagne (or coffee).

@Amethyst59 might have some cake left over, although she probably drank all her champagne.

Other than being in shock about the correct blister pack, I hope you and your mum are okay today?

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi @Amy in the US

I know they should do their jobs & we should be able to trust them, but .... what can I say

Thank you for the reminder, I have a bottle of champagne (well cheap Carer affordable stuff) in the cupboard, I must remember to put it on ice when I can open it, after stitches removal

Mum has been outside for the first time today. Yay. Double handed Physio & they walked with a walking frame (4 wheels & a seat & breaks!!). She walked about 150 metres, she’s now zonked out as it exhausted her. She’s so pleased.

Physio say she is unlikely to be able to walk unaided, but never say never. I was shocked (in a good way), that Mum just accepted she will most likely need to use a frame in the long term. No arguments from her.

She’s also been told not to try walking around without anyone there. She wasn’t best pleased, but I think she’s accepted that. They want her supervised, just in case.

I think I have a stitch “pulling”, but I’m managing. S has kindly agreed to pop in later to help me make mums bed. My plan for today is to research the family tree, rest & maybe even watch TV. I’ll bet you are so jealous if my globe trotting life lol

 

[Amethyst59]

Sam, it doesn't seem right that we should have to celebrate someone simply doing their job correctly, but as it makes your life easier, I will happily break out the bunting and cake and champagne (or coffee).

@Amethyst59 might have some cake left over, although she probably drank all her champagne.

Other than being in shock about the correct blister pack, I hope you and your mum are okay today?

Whoa...there is cake left. Lots of cake. Have some cake. (Think I got away with that. No one mentioned the champagne!)

 

[Amethyst59]

Yuck to the stitch! Hope it just disappears soon x