Does anyone else feel angry that they're loved one has dementia ? my lovely mum has it and I look around at ladies her age or older happily going about their business and think why my mum why not you wrong I know. Rant over !
Angry!
- Thread starter Portia100874
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I do sometimes Portia! I’m guessing my Mum is probably a lot older than your Mum - she will be 94 soon. I wish she didnt have dementia for sure but shes only had it (diagnosed anyway) for about 14 months.
She lost a few good friends who had small children when they were only in their 40s and plenty more much older so shes done well and I guess if she didnt have dementia she would have something else.
Take care. Xx
She lost a few good friends who had small children when they were only in their 40s and plenty more much older so shes done well and I guess if she didnt have dementia she would have something else.
Take care. Xx
Angry? No, I tend not to stress things I can’t change as I wouldn’t want emotion to cloud my judgement.
When my wife started to decline I did feel grief and sadness but these feelings are temporary and I just hope I have the strength of both mind and body to cope as the end stages develop. I won’t worry about problems, beyond organising our affairs, until any problems arise. In the meantime I just make sure we enjoy our lives together and make things as good as possible for my wife while she still has the capacity to enjoy things.
When my wife started to decline I did feel grief and sadness but these feelings are temporary and I just hope I have the strength of both mind and body to cope as the end stages develop. I won’t worry about problems, beyond organising our affairs, until any problems arise. In the meantime I just make sure we enjoy our lives together and make things as good as possible for my wife while she still has the capacity to enjoy things.
Yes I get a bit cross because people don't realise who my dad is. He is not just a confused and slightly barmy old man (barmy is his description not mine) He is a kind and considerate gentleman. He is a wonderful dad and grandad who was capable of anything he could put his hand to. He has travelled the world and survived the war. He can tell me all sorts of stories about the air raid shelter he had to hide in as a small boy. I could go but I won't but my dad is more than just an old man with dementia. Now I have made myself cry.
Not so much angry...it's a lottery of what if any illnesses people get. However when mum died suddenly from a massive stroke then dad declined with dementia until end of life...I just felt sad and cheated...cheated for them for the elderly life they were looking forward to and didn't have and cheated for me when I see lovely elderly folk puttering around and think that is how I should have been seeing mum and dad ending their days and me continuing to enjoy their company
Yes I feel the same. My dad was a wonderful, kind, caring man all his life never gave a thought to himself alwYs others, he’s the eldest of 8 so got used to caring for others early on. I look at the photos of him as a dashing young RAF recruit thinking of the brilliant life that lay ahead of him and then this I loathe this disease it destroys your loved one and brings those that care for them to the brink. I feel it’s so unfair what did he do to deserve this. I’ve recently started sorting my dads house out and I’m bitter so much so I can’t bear to have any of the heirlooms around me. Too many memories. I was never like that before. Why would I want to be reminded of such a sad end to a wonderful life. It’s as if it was all for nothing. Dads in a home now, hates it and I feel angry we’ve been denied happy years at the end of his life.
I'm going to go against the general grain (so far) here...but I feel angry that my father has dementia and I have to deal with it after all the years of having to deal with his narcissistic, functioning alcoholic, demeaning attitude/beliefs/behaviour/comments. He's my dad and I love him on some level, plus he's a human being/close family who I don't want to see neglected. I battle daily with what I WANT to do and what I SHOULD do. I fight and challenge health professionals for his care and medical needs.
But I still feel so angry that I've been put in this position. I feel angry that the dementia is magnifying his foibles which I always hated and now trigger me. I feel angry that I thought it was a good idea to get LPOA, because that is now a millstone around my neck with him phoning me multiple times a day demanding money to load onto 'adult' chat sites (which aren't legit ones!), and nothing I (or siblings) say will persuade him that he CANNOT just spend the rent or carer money on it, nor can I (we) placate him. I should have just got him to pay for a funeral plan and then just left him to it. Perhaps the professionals would have taken his illness seriously a little sooner if he'd stopped paying his rent and care visit fees...!
I also feel angry and sad when I see on Facebook the people my father worked with, or my friends' parents, going about all 'normal' and spritely, on holidays, treating their grandchildren, making plans, etc. Some of them are still working and highly respected in their field(s). My father? He shares inappropriate (and sometimes graphic) links on Facebook, and doesn't realise, remember, or care that he's done that.
I did carry on with the rant but decided to delete as I could be here all day. Suffice to say I am sad and angry that my father has dementia, but not as sad and angry I would be had he been a beautiful loving kind caring person prior to the illness. So I feel sad and angry for you all.
Sorry for the rant, but I've tried telling the couple of friends I have left, and all I get is "but he's your dad, you're always gonna love your dad"...which does not help or reassure at all.
But I still feel so angry that I've been put in this position. I feel angry that the dementia is magnifying his foibles which I always hated and now trigger me. I feel angry that I thought it was a good idea to get LPOA, because that is now a millstone around my neck with him phoning me multiple times a day demanding money to load onto 'adult' chat sites (which aren't legit ones!), and nothing I (or siblings) say will persuade him that he CANNOT just spend the rent or carer money on it, nor can I (we) placate him. I should have just got him to pay for a funeral plan and then just left him to it. Perhaps the professionals would have taken his illness seriously a little sooner if he'd stopped paying his rent and care visit fees...!
I also feel angry and sad when I see on Facebook the people my father worked with, or my friends' parents, going about all 'normal' and spritely, on holidays, treating their grandchildren, making plans, etc. Some of them are still working and highly respected in their field(s). My father? He shares inappropriate (and sometimes graphic) links on Facebook, and doesn't realise, remember, or care that he's done that.
I did carry on with the rant but decided to delete as I could be here all day. Suffice to say I am sad and angry that my father has dementia, but not as sad and angry I would be had he been a beautiful loving kind caring person prior to the illness. So I feel sad and angry for you all.
Sorry for the rant, but I've tried telling the couple of friends I have left, and all I get is "but he's your dad, you're always gonna love your dad"...which does not help or reassure at all.
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No need to apologise. I care for my mum and she was for ever demeaning me etc. I thought long and hard about taking her on because I was worried that I was doing it to ingratiate myself with her. Long story short: I do it, not willingly but I do it and I think I am a better person for doing it. Had I the choice again, I would most likely not do it because I went into it (as most of us do) with preconceptions and absolutely no knowledge of dementia and absolutely no knowledge of the restrictions it would place on my life. On the other hand, although I can really have no 'love' for her, she is currently in hospital because of a flare up of an ulcer/gall bladder and they are trying to stop her vomiting... she is wretched and I feel so sorry for her. Again, I thought the dementia would take her off gradually but this is a physical thing they can do little for as she is too frail for surgery or any invasive treatment. So I guess it is personal feeling versus common humanity.
@rainbowcat, for what it's worth, i hear you on the anger. For me it was a lot of anger and resentment about the job of carer being forced on me. I'm an only child, parents divorced when I was young, father died 20 years ago, mother is also an only, she wasn't a great mother and we were never close and I didn't have much contact for many years, she wasn't abusive but basically had no business being a mother, sorry to go on, but I think I at least have an idea of where you're coming from.
Again, for what it's worth, until I found other people here on TP in similar situations, I felt very alone and like a freak or terrible person. There are other carers out there in similar circumstances.
It took me a long struggle and a lot of time with a therapist, but I finally decided that I was going to have to come to grips, somehow, with this situation or it was going to eat me alive. I still feel like that sometimes, but it's not as bad.
So the short answer about what I did, was to decide to think about the situation this way: what do I need to do, to be able to look myself in the mirror and live with myself and my actions? What will allow me to sleep at night? What needs to happen to care for her, but in a way that won't kill me? Basically I reframed the way I thought about her needs and care, from that viewpoint.
This is not the best explanation, but it's a start. There were a lot of other things I did that helped, and it wasn't quick or easy. Nothing about dementia is easy! But you cannot blame yourself for, or allow yourself to be overwhelmed with guilt about, issues that are caused by the disease, rather than by you. That way madness lies.
I wish I didn't have to do this. (In fact, if I could, in good faith, refuse the PoA and turn this job over to someone else, I would, in a second. This is not an option for me.) I wish she didn't have dementia, a disease I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I wish we could have had a good relationship, or at least, a better one. I wish a lot of things, but it is what it is.
The only practical suggestion I can make (as someone who used to be on the receiving end of the zillion phone calls every day), is, don't answer the phone every time. Let it go to voicemail and maybe don't even listen to them. Get a dedicated phone just for him to call, if it ties up your phone too much. Screen the calls and if you have to turn your phone off at night to sleep, so be it. At one point, the phone calls were so frequent and upsetting, that I would burst into tears every time the phone rang. (I wish I were making that up but it's true.) Don't be like I was!
Besides TP, I found a local support group. It took some time but it's been a good support. It can be very validating and reassuring to be in a room of people who all understand what you're going through, and don't think you're exaggerating or are nuts. For a long time, I felt like an alien, like I didn't belong with "normal" people (non-carers) because they had no idea what I was experiencing and I had no way to describe it. Most of them didn't want to know.
Now I'm waffling and will stop. I just wanted you to feel, maybe a tiny bit less alone and that there may be people who understand some of what you're saying. Best wishes.
Again, for what it's worth, until I found other people here on TP in similar situations, I felt very alone and like a freak or terrible person. There are other carers out there in similar circumstances.
It took me a long struggle and a lot of time with a therapist, but I finally decided that I was going to have to come to grips, somehow, with this situation or it was going to eat me alive. I still feel like that sometimes, but it's not as bad.
So the short answer about what I did, was to decide to think about the situation this way: what do I need to do, to be able to look myself in the mirror and live with myself and my actions? What will allow me to sleep at night? What needs to happen to care for her, but in a way that won't kill me? Basically I reframed the way I thought about her needs and care, from that viewpoint.
This is not the best explanation, but it's a start. There were a lot of other things I did that helped, and it wasn't quick or easy. Nothing about dementia is easy! But you cannot blame yourself for, or allow yourself to be overwhelmed with guilt about, issues that are caused by the disease, rather than by you. That way madness lies.
I wish I didn't have to do this. (In fact, if I could, in good faith, refuse the PoA and turn this job over to someone else, I would, in a second. This is not an option for me.) I wish she didn't have dementia, a disease I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I wish we could have had a good relationship, or at least, a better one. I wish a lot of things, but it is what it is.
The only practical suggestion I can make (as someone who used to be on the receiving end of the zillion phone calls every day), is, don't answer the phone every time. Let it go to voicemail and maybe don't even listen to them. Get a dedicated phone just for him to call, if it ties up your phone too much. Screen the calls and if you have to turn your phone off at night to sleep, so be it. At one point, the phone calls were so frequent and upsetting, that I would burst into tears every time the phone rang. (I wish I were making that up but it's true.) Don't be like I was!
Besides TP, I found a local support group. It took some time but it's been a good support. It can be very validating and reassuring to be in a room of people who all understand what you're going through, and don't think you're exaggerating or are nuts. For a long time, I felt like an alien, like I didn't belong with "normal" people (non-carers) because they had no idea what I was experiencing and I had no way to describe it. Most of them didn't want to know.
Now I'm waffling and will stop. I just wanted you to feel, maybe a tiny bit less alone and that there may be people who understand some of what you're saying. Best wishes.
You have written the words I only dare to think.
You are brave and intellectually honest.
Fair point and I think a lot of the enotions felt depends on the relationship and how the pwd was pre dementiaI'm going to go against the general grain (so far) here...but I feel angry that my father has dementia and I have to deal with it after all the years of having to deal with his narcissistic, functioning alcoholic, demeaning attitude/beliefs/behaviour/comments. He's my dad and I love him on some level, plus he's a human being/close family who I don't want to see neglected. I battle daily with what I WANT to do and what I SHOULD do. I fight and challenge health professionals for his care and medical needs.
But I still feel so angry that I've been put in this position. I feel angry that the dementia is magnifying his foibles which I always hated and now trigger me. I feel angry that I thought it was a good idea to get LPOA, because that is now a millstone around my neck with him phoning me multiple times a day demanding money to load onto 'adult' chat sites (which aren't legit ones!), and nothing I (or siblings) say will persuade him that he CANNOT just spend the rent or carer money on it, nor can I (we) placate him. I should have just got him to pay for a funeral plan and then just left him to it. Perhaps the professionals would have taken his illness seriously a little sooner if he'd stopped paying his rent and care visit fees...!
I also feel angry and sad when I see on Facebook the people my father worked with, or my friends' parents, going about all 'normal' and spritely, on holidays, treating their grandchildren, making plans, etc. Some of them are still working and highly respected in their field(s). My father? He shares inappropriate (and sometimes graphic) links on Facebook, and doesn't realise, remember, or care that he's done that.
I did carry on with the rant but decided to delete as I could be here all day. Suffice to say I am sad and angry that my father has dementia, but not as sad and angry I would be had he been a beautiful loving kind caring person prior to the illness. So I feel sad and angry for you all.
Sorry for the rant, but I've tried telling the couple of friends I have left, and all I get is "but he's your dad, you're always gonna love your dad"...which does not help or reassure at all.
Hi Portia100874 - I can understand why you feel angry. I mostly don’t feel angry – I just feel grateful mum is still alive and just about functioning at home with me with lots of support. She seems to be happy in her own little world, with no memory of sad times in her life. I do feel a bit angry when she goes down another notch from time to time – especially if it was caused by something that could have been avoided such as a fall (easy in retrospect).
I guess your mum must be quite young. Mine is 93 and has had dementia for years. Most of my friends with mothers in their late 80s/early 90s also have dementia. I also had conversations with a few people in town and was shocked to discover later that they too had dementia - they certainly had me fooled …
I guess your mum must be quite young. Mine is 93 and has had dementia for years. Most of my friends with mothers in their late 80s/early 90s also have dementia. I also had conversations with a few people in town and was shocked to discover later that they too had dementia - they certainly had me fooled …
I'm angry at myself for being selfless! I wish sometimes I could be selfish like my siblings and run away. I'm full of anger that I have been through so much trauma and stress just because I care? My siblings have pushed me to the limit. But mums violent behaviour now hopefully will get things moving quickly? I don't know anymore saw my poor aunt die very suddenly from cancer horrific to watch but it was quick and she only suffered a few days maybe that sounds awful but we can be honest here I would've preferred mum got cancer than this the only reason being is that it's physical and my family could see it with dementia it's me who gets the abuse etc never witnessed etc. When I first realised she had dementia I was angry but that's the normal part of grieving. Mums been sick all my life and I look at older women her age and wonder what it'd be like to have had a normal mum?
I cope by putting my admin hat on. I have realised over time that I am not selfish and I do care - that was a steep learning curve for a while. I went into this with no love for my mother and tbh I probably still have no love for the person she was before dementia took hold. But I do have empathy, sympathy and a huge amount of concern for the person who looks at me in total confusion and asks me to tell the doctors how she is feeling and what she should be doing.
For the last 8 years of my proper working life I had a boss who would contradict, accuse, stab you in the back and openly berate me. I coped by never, ever letting them see what buttons to push (learned from living with my mum!) and doing what I knew was legal and within the rules of the company. I feel actually helped that person in their career as they left the place I worked for, moved somewhere else and got an MBE in the new year's honours (greasy pole but that's me being cynical).
For the last 8 years of my proper working life I had a boss who would contradict, accuse, stab you in the back and openly berate me. I coped by never, ever letting them see what buttons to push (learned from living with my mum!) and doing what I knew was legal and within the rules of the company. I feel actually helped that person in their career as they left the place I worked for, moved somewhere else and got an MBE in the new year's honours (greasy pole but that's me being cynical).
Hi Portia I feel the same way - my Mother in Law is the same age as my Mother and my Mother in Law still holidays abroad and go to art classes and is so independent I look at my Mother and think why is it happening she has no friends and relies on my Sister and I - I should also point out she cared for my terminally ill father up until about 2 years ago - I only feel angry because I would like her to have a life and enjoy herself
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I think anger is one of the stages I felt early on, and when Mum went into care 18 mnths ago.
Mum is 76, with a sister at 75 & sister at 68, still very independant, enjoying life and travelling overseas.
I was very close to Mum. My Mum was the best, she would do anything for me, especially where my children were concerned, and I would do anything for her. Mum looked after both my children from 6mnths of age until they started school, while I could work.
Being totally honest, and although my Dad is about to be reasseed to see if his MCI diagnosis is now dementia, I often think to myself... why Mum!? Why not Dad in care first
Have never had a close relationship with Dad, and at times he made my Mums life a misery.
Now I am caring for Dad, as well as his POA...... I hate all the emotions dementia has brought out in me, and my inner turmoil..... this is what makes me angry.
Mum is 76, with a sister at 75 & sister at 68, still very independant, enjoying life and travelling overseas.
I was very close to Mum. My Mum was the best, she would do anything for me, especially where my children were concerned, and I would do anything for her. Mum looked after both my children from 6mnths of age until they started school, while I could work.
Being totally honest, and although my Dad is about to be reasseed to see if his MCI diagnosis is now dementia, I often think to myself... why Mum!? Why not Dad in care first
Have never had a close relationship with Dad, and at times he made my Mums life a misery.
Now I am caring for Dad, as well as his POA...... I hate all the emotions dementia has brought out in me, and my inner turmoil..... this is what makes me angry.
I think I understand that feeling of anger. As well as lots of other feelings but I get it. I was angry as one of many feelings when my dad died suddenly just 3 months after retiring and I feel angry now when I see my mum deteriorating and I see my friends' parents continuing to enjoy their retirements in various ways.
I think I am getting better at just accepting that anger and also just letting it go, like all the other emotions I am feeling. It seems to me that if I just acknowledge that I am feeling that way right now but to let it go and not dwell on it, then it is easier to deal with.
But that makes me sound terribly enlightened and actually, there are also plenty of days when I'm just pretending to cope well!
I think I am getting better at just accepting that anger and also just letting it go, like all the other emotions I am feeling. It seems to me that if I just acknowledge that I am feeling that way right now but to let it go and not dwell on it, then it is easier to deal with.
But that makes me sound terribly enlightened and actually, there are also plenty of days when I'm just pretending to cope well!
My mother-in-law is struggling with being very angry at her husband because he has dementia. She is unable to grasp that it's a progressive illness and that no matter how many times she sets him challenges or tells him things he's never going to be able to improve. It's horrible to witness and I worry at the harm it's doing to him (as well as to her). Has anyone else had this difficulty? I wish I knew how to help her relate to him in a different way. Looking back, I wonder if this is the way she has always behaved when he's been ill.
I am angry. My husband was diagnosed 5 years ago, I have lost my best friend, my husband, my lover, but most of all an amazing wonderfully kind loving man who would do anything for anyone. He has now become selfish self centered fixated man. Of course I care for him and love him dearly, but why him? I have a lousy mother who is 94 who continually tells everyone she has dementia! Then in the next breath tells everyone it's just loss of memory! I have stopped taking hubby with me when I visit her in her £1000 per week nursing home!
Oh yes I am angry, my husband is 20 years her junior and we had so many plans that will no longer happen. He doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere any more.
Oh yes I am angry, my husband is 20 years her junior and we had so many plans that will no longer happen. He doesn't want to do anything or go anywhere any more.
This might help someone suffering from anger whilst caring for a loved one. I have cared for my 93 year old mum with advanced dementia for 3years in my home. She is very benign and despite being totally unaware of her body, emotions and having severe memory loss, she does know me and is basically no trouble! However 18mnths into my caring for her ( I have no siblings, and my two grown up children live a long way away) I used to go crazy if she had a pooy accident, ranting and raving at her. I hasten to add this was totally and utterly not my usual behavior....I wept bitterly afterwards in my room. When I apologized to her, she didn’t have a clue what I was apologizing for. My daughter suggested I needed help so a wonderful and experienced councilor gave me some time to explain my real but out of character behavior. She immediately said that I was suffering grief and pre bereavement. I’ve lost my mum, but still have to deal with the body. I love my mum deeply, she has been a perfect mum and this behavior left me feeling so guilty. I’m glad to say that since the “ diagnosis “ I am loads better. I still get really mad about the screamingly endless grind of being a soul carer 24/7 but never at mum just at the disease ......
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