why am i angry

[nanafatana]

I really don't know where to start this post because i am sat hear breaking my heart.
My OH has just gone off to his Day Unit and i am feeling so guilty that i have'nt been able to cope with him
without me getting so angry. I know he is unable to help how he is and i do try my best but
there are times when i just feel as though i am losing it. One of the things that is really getting to me
is that he has started to spit in the house. On top of everything else that goes with this horrible
disease. I am on edge when we are in company in case he does it.

 

[karaokePete]

It's easy to get angry with our situations so don't beat yourself up about it. I think part of the problem is internal resentment about the fact that your plans for your future are thrown into turmoil when dementia raises it's ugly head. I have what I think of as a set of reins in my head on which I pull hard when I want to snap. I can actually feel myself pulling up and hear the words "Oh nothing" being said before I change the subject or divert. It doesn't always work though - we are all human after all.
As to the spitting, I wonder if your OH has a bad taste in his mouth, maybe a dental problem. If asked directly would he have the capacity to answer?

 

[margherita]

Hi @nanafatana ,
some habits, even though due to dementia, are very difficult to cope with.
I do not know what your relationship was like before your husband's illness. If it was not so good (mine wasn't), it is nearly impossible not to lose it. Past and present mix and most situations become unbearable

 

[Delphie]

If course you're angry. It's normal. Your life is changing, you hate the changes, and you have no control over them. And the one person you would probably lean on and talk things through with is no longer there for you. It's grief, and frustration, and fear, and guilt, and it all gets too much at times. Don't beat yourself up for being human. Xxx

 

[Mudgee Joy]

Hi nana -
Please don’t be so upset - you are writing to the right people - someone will help you soon with the right words - I have yelled and screamed at my husband a few times - luckily not lately - the good thing is he doesn’t remember - heaven knows where the spitting comes from - my H started to cut up all his food into little bit then push it round the plate with a fork - I thought maybe he ate that way as a child .??
Be kind to yourself . Xx

 

[nanafatana]

It's easy to get angry with our situations so don't beat yourself up about it. I think part of the problem is internal resentment about the fact that your plans for your future are thrown into turmoil when dementia raises it's ugly head. I have what I think of as a set of reins in my head on which I pull hard when I want to snap. I can actually feel myself pulling up and hear the words "Oh nothing" being said before I change the subject or divert. It doesn't always work though - we are all human after all.
As to the spitting, I wonder if your OH has a bad taste in his mouth, maybe a dental problem. If asked directly would he have the capacity to answer?

 

[nanafatana]

OH had dental check not long ago. the spitting seems to be a habit he has got in to.

 

[nae sporran]

I'm going through some of the same feelings @nanafatana, and can't offer much more than empathy. You are certainly among friends here though.

 

[nanafatana]

Thank you to those who replied to my posy. I know there are many people out there
struggling to cope, it is good that we can try and help each other.

 

[big l]

Hi @nanafatana ,
some habits, even though due to dementia, are very difficult to cope with.
I do not know what your relationship was like before your husband's illness. If it was not so good (mine wasn't), it is nearly impossible not to lose it. Past and present mix and most situations become unbearable

sadly all our oh's faults are magnified by this awful, awful life destroyer, and yes, it does make you resentful. my oh has always put his desires and himself first in our 53(!) years of marriage.- I married james dean and ended up with andy cap. resentment, resignation, tolerance acceptance. easy! not. hard it is and you struggle to see the fairness in it, because there simply isn't any!
Bright side? you're looking after your oh - not the other way round!!

 

[Duggies-girl]

Yes. Internal resentment is a good description and it does pop up regularly. I still make plans in my head for the future. Next year I am going to take the Trans Siberian express to Beijing and then who knows where. New Zealand looks promising. I have the money set by and I am still fit enough for some back packing. No end of places to go.

Was going to go this year but plans have backfired somewhat. Oh well keep dreaming. I will have to read a good book instead.

Bright side dad's 88 this year, he is as fit as a fiddle but does use a stick to walk. He never sees a doctor except when I make him. He has not had so much as a sniffle since mum died six years ago and his brother almost made 95

It's what life chucks at us I suppose.

 

[nanafatana]

I think the reason i am finding it hard to cope is because my OH was the most patient and loving
person before he was diagnosed over 4 years ago.He still is able to know when i am upset
and then he say's he is sorry. That is when it hurts me.

 

[margherita]

I think the reason i am finding it hard to cope is because my OH was the most patient and loving
person before he was diagnosed over 4 years ago.He still is able to know when i am upset
and then he say's he is sorry. That is when it hurts me.

It must be heartbreaking to witness such changes without being able to do anything to stop them. Sometimes anger is our reaction to grief.

 

[margherita]

Next year I am going to take the Trans Siberian express to Beijing and then who knows where. New Zealand looks promising. I have the money set by and I am still fit enough for some back packing. No end of places to go.

Hope your dreams can come true.
There are two things that make me happy : travelling and supporting stray dogs.

 

[LynneMcV]

I think the reason i am finding it hard to cope is because my OH was the most patient and loving
person before he was diagnosed over 4 years ago.He still is able to know when i am upset
and then he say's he is sorry. That is when it hurts me.

I can identify with that. We had a particularly difficult week last week and as much as I tried to keep things together my husband picked up that all was not well.

Over the last few days, including this morning, he has whispered sorry to me several times - even though everything is fine now. He looks so forlorn and it is absolutely heart-breaking. Hopefully things will settle, but at the moment, no matter how much reassurance I am trying to give (even in a no longer stressed state) he hasn't been able to let go of the tensions that surfaced last week or the feeling that he was somehow responsible.

I'll carry on trying to distract with nicer memories and hope that eventually his feeling of security and contentment will return.

We aren't saints and this disease is not easy to deal with at the best of times. We all have moments when we wish we'd said it done things differently. Don't be hard on yourself - you are doing a great job under very trying circumstances

 

[Flower girl]

I have just read your thread and I can identify with the spitting my oh has just started doing this in the house he will spit into waste paper bins and any buckets or bowls he sees when needed. I to have lost it as this is not how he would normally behave and when I pointed this out to him he just does not see why I am so upset. Has any one else experienced this and will it pass.

 

[Duggies-girl]

I think the reason i am finding it hard to cope is because my OH was the most patient and loving
person before he was diagnosed over 4 years ago.He still is able to know when i am upset
and then he say's he is sorry. That is when it hurts me.

My dad is still the most kindest and loveliest man I have ever known. He is quiet wonderful in fact but the constant repetitive questions and worrying drive me nuts and then I feel guilty and angry with myself because I should be more understanding. He takes up so much of my time everyday, day after day that it becomes a bit of a chore at times and I want to run away but I realise it is not his fault and it is also not my fault so I just try and get on with it and keep smiling but it is hard.

I don't know the answer but I have realised that anger and resentment can eat away at a person so I try fend it off and I keep happy for dad. No point in us both being miserable. I suppose we all just need a break now and then. A break would be so nice.

 

[Duggies-girl]

Hope your dreams can come true.
There are two things that make me happy : travelling and supporting stray dogs.

Stray dogs, yes. I had one and a stray cat too but they are long gone. Would love another but have plans to travel so best not.

 

[Onmyown]

I've said dreadful things to mum at times even last night? I was meeting a friend for a coffee and she went berserk as usual. "you're suppose to be here caring for me, you don't care about me you're a selfish### etc etc. Took me years to rise above the abuse. Spitting is hard but mums worse, dirty pads in strange places, little blobs of poo on floor bye bye my fab new cosy gorgeous slippers!!! I have every reason to be angry and yes I'm human. Felt bad after telling her if she wants 24/7 around the clock care there is a lovely nursing home up the road. Of course cried my eyes out on way to meet friend and try??? ?? to switch off but my friend could see how upset I was. If you don't cry or scream how do you release the anger. I think I cry more than get angry but hey sometimes we just snap. Mum never ever says sorry she goes quiet then throws money at me? That's so sad prefer she just said sorry but I know she dosnt mean it. Still hurts to be called selfish when we carers are the most selfless people you could meet. My family are beyond selfish and call me anything but not selfish. Dreadful,horrible disease. How could anyone not get angry from time to time unless we become robots?

 

[Onmyown]

On a lighter note slippers survived the washing machine and are still gorgeous!!! Only problem I can't walk around the house in them but what the hey I can still look at them!!