Hi everyone
I'm hoping some forum members might have some wisdom to share.
(sorry, this has worked out longer than I meant - but I didn't know what to leave in or out).
My Mum (83) lives 270 miles away. I have been driving up to see her every two weeks since February - she was admitted to hospital with arterial fibrillation following on from a rotten bout of norovirus.
She hasn't been 'herself' for about a year - I first noticed when she couldn't use the remote for her TV. It was more distinct by Christmas, but since hospital, she's more and more like a little girl. Her sight has also deteriorated since she had a cataracts op a couple of years ago (though she has a little peripheral vision in one eye, no sight in the other). She also had a heart attack a couple of years ago.
She's had carers in three times a day since she came out of hospital - first the rehab team and now LA care. The 'new' carers aren't as 'caring' as the rehab team - she's supposed to have three half-hour slots, but they're in and out. Her care is compressed into visits at 11am, 1.30 and then 4pm. I know they're under pressure, but still, she's my Mum. I can tell by the amount of laundry that she's not changing her clothes often and she's not showering. The care manager said she didn't have to have a shower if she didn't want one, but I think it's because she's not being offered one.
Her short term memory has gone - I ring her twice a day, lunchtime and evening, and she can rarely tell me what she's eaten (not eating properly is one of the reasons she has carers, that and her medication). I don't press her on it, just try to keep it chatty - but she can rarely hold a conversation with me for longer than 5 - 6 minutes. She struggles for words and her default is 'so, what's new?' when she's not following what's been said. This year, she forgot my birthday - I mention that only as an indicator of where her memory's at (I didn't remind her, because I thought she'd be upset if she realised). I recently bought her a new sweater and when I got it out for her to put on, she asked where it had come from. though she was with me when I bought it. Sorry - that sounds very weak when I read what other people are going through - I maybe just don't have all the examples. I have to talk her through putting her electric blanket on every night - she has no concept of how it works, or that she's done it before.
The GP saw her not long after she came out of hospital - at my request - and he thought there was something underlying, but didn't do the test, as she was quite bright on that day. But he thought she was trying very hard to be normal. In some ways, I'm not bothered about a diagnosis, I know there's something going on, I just want to keep her from being frightened. She's back to being about 8 years old - loves going out for a drive in the car, thrilled at a packet of crisps.
She's pretty isolated - her very good friend died suddenly about three years ago and another friend has dropped out of contact since she came home from hospital. Mum's also got a bit of 'thing' about the friend - she'll tell me that this woman doesn't want her to go to the church club, for example. I tell her not to bother about it & just enjoy other company, but there's something niggling. They pick her up and drop her off - but she can't tell me who she's spoken to; she'll remember things like 'we sang a song'. I've tried to interest her in different clubs, but she refuses. She's not able to tell me why she doesn't want to go. She has talking books, but can't really follow the plots - I think she just likes the noise on in the background. Same with TV - she couldn't tell me what the programme is. She spends a lot of time lying on her bed listening - she doesn't go outside. I fret about her physical activity levels, but feel pretty helpless.
So, all of that is a long way around of asking - should I move her to be closer to me? She loves her little house and knows her way around it. Where she is, the medical & care support 'know' her - and I wonder if moving her would accelerate her decline. She's in Scotland, with less than 10k in assets and I know I can't afford to top her fees here in England. I have power of attorney. My partner and I are almost finished self-building our own home - bathroom up a flight of stairs, and not disabled-friendly. Plus, I don't think my partner would welcome having her around - he cared for his own parents until they died and building the house was a bit of reward for four years hard slog.
It breaks my heart that I can't 'drop in' more frequently, but I just don't know what to do for the best for her. I also know that my two weekends away each month are straining my finances - and probably my relationship, though other half been fully supportive so far.
It just goes around in my head all the time and I just don't know what to do.
Grateful for any ideas/experiences others might have.
I'm hoping some forum members might have some wisdom to share.
(sorry, this has worked out longer than I meant - but I didn't know what to leave in or out).
My Mum (83) lives 270 miles away. I have been driving up to see her every two weeks since February - she was admitted to hospital with arterial fibrillation following on from a rotten bout of norovirus.
She hasn't been 'herself' for about a year - I first noticed when she couldn't use the remote for her TV. It was more distinct by Christmas, but since hospital, she's more and more like a little girl. Her sight has also deteriorated since she had a cataracts op a couple of years ago (though she has a little peripheral vision in one eye, no sight in the other). She also had a heart attack a couple of years ago.
She's had carers in three times a day since she came out of hospital - first the rehab team and now LA care. The 'new' carers aren't as 'caring' as the rehab team - she's supposed to have three half-hour slots, but they're in and out. Her care is compressed into visits at 11am, 1.30 and then 4pm. I know they're under pressure, but still, she's my Mum. I can tell by the amount of laundry that she's not changing her clothes often and she's not showering. The care manager said she didn't have to have a shower if she didn't want one, but I think it's because she's not being offered one.
Her short term memory has gone - I ring her twice a day, lunchtime and evening, and she can rarely tell me what she's eaten (not eating properly is one of the reasons she has carers, that and her medication). I don't press her on it, just try to keep it chatty - but she can rarely hold a conversation with me for longer than 5 - 6 minutes. She struggles for words and her default is 'so, what's new?' when she's not following what's been said. This year, she forgot my birthday - I mention that only as an indicator of where her memory's at (I didn't remind her, because I thought she'd be upset if she realised). I recently bought her a new sweater and when I got it out for her to put on, she asked where it had come from. though she was with me when I bought it. Sorry - that sounds very weak when I read what other people are going through - I maybe just don't have all the examples. I have to talk her through putting her electric blanket on every night - she has no concept of how it works, or that she's done it before.
The GP saw her not long after she came out of hospital - at my request - and he thought there was something underlying, but didn't do the test, as she was quite bright on that day. But he thought she was trying very hard to be normal. In some ways, I'm not bothered about a diagnosis, I know there's something going on, I just want to keep her from being frightened. She's back to being about 8 years old - loves going out for a drive in the car, thrilled at a packet of crisps.
She's pretty isolated - her very good friend died suddenly about three years ago and another friend has dropped out of contact since she came home from hospital. Mum's also got a bit of 'thing' about the friend - she'll tell me that this woman doesn't want her to go to the church club, for example. I tell her not to bother about it & just enjoy other company, but there's something niggling. They pick her up and drop her off - but she can't tell me who she's spoken to; she'll remember things like 'we sang a song'. I've tried to interest her in different clubs, but she refuses. She's not able to tell me why she doesn't want to go. She has talking books, but can't really follow the plots - I think she just likes the noise on in the background. Same with TV - she couldn't tell me what the programme is. She spends a lot of time lying on her bed listening - she doesn't go outside. I fret about her physical activity levels, but feel pretty helpless.
So, all of that is a long way around of asking - should I move her to be closer to me? She loves her little house and knows her way around it. Where she is, the medical & care support 'know' her - and I wonder if moving her would accelerate her decline. She's in Scotland, with less than 10k in assets and I know I can't afford to top her fees here in England. I have power of attorney. My partner and I are almost finished self-building our own home - bathroom up a flight of stairs, and not disabled-friendly. Plus, I don't think my partner would welcome having her around - he cared for his own parents until they died and building the house was a bit of reward for four years hard slog.
It breaks my heart that I can't 'drop in' more frequently, but I just don't know what to do for the best for her. I also know that my two weekends away each month are straining my finances - and probably my relationship, though other half been fully supportive so far.
It just goes around in my head all the time and I just don't know what to do.
Grateful for any ideas/experiences others might have.