Threats

[McPhee]

We had our weeks holiday. A great time, weather, hotel, food etc., all good. Things took a nasty turn when we came home.
Hubby was looking for his leisure trousers, couldn't find them and hit the roof. Accused me of moving them? They had fallen into the ironing box as I put the freshly washed clothes in there ready to iron. He went ballistic. Threatened to hit me! I locked myself in the bathroom and when I came out he was in bed, all lights off so I slept in the spare room. I was absolutely devastated. This was by far the worst he's been. Next day he did apologise and said it was the first time he had ever done anything like it and said it wouldn't happen again.
Funny thing was, I wasn't actually frightened at the time but when reaction set in a bit later I couldn't stop crying.
I have told his children and will tell the memory clinic if I can get in touch with them while he's out at some point.
I hope this isn't the start of things taking a turn for the worse. We are okay again now tho it is a bit like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and not knowing who is in residence when I get up in a morning.

 

[LadyA]

Oh dear. It could be that he was extra tired, a bit disoriented from the changes, even though he enjoyed the holiday. Or could it be that he's brewing an infection? They can play havoc with a person with dementia, and often the first sign is escalating aggression, or aggression where there has never been any before.

Definitely, let the memory clinic know. And the usual advice - make sure you have a fully charged phone on you at all times, i.e. in a pocket or something. Not in your bag. In a crisis, you may not have time to get your bag. Also, keep taxi money or car key in your pocket. And make sure you have a safe room, like the spare room, which is lockable on the inside. Yeah. I know - it all sounds terribly dramatic. But your primary concern has to be your own safety. How do you think your husband would feel if he realised after the event that he had injured you? Besides which, if he did injure you, you couldn't help him.

 

[margherita]

We are okay again now tho it is a bit like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and not knowing who is in residence when I get up in a morning.

Hi McPhee,
my husband is in the early stage of dementia, but what happened this morning disturbed me.
I sleep in the spare room downstairs , while his room is upstairs.
When I woke up at about 8.30, he was already up, shaved and dressed and ...in a bad mood.
He was angry with me , but I didn't know why.
When we had gone to bed the previous night he was not angry.
He said he would go out because he did not want to see my face..
For a moment I thought I should ask him what I had done to him
Then I realised it would be useless to ask him questions, but I was so discomforted and felt like crying.
He went out and when he came back home , he was in a different mood.
Mr Hyde had gone away

 

[AlsoConfused]

I don't think any of realise just how much we rely on reason to sort things out until the other person isn't able to reason ... It's so bitter.

 

[LadyA]

I don't think any of realise just how much we rely on reason to sort things out until the other person isn't able to reason ... It's so bitter.

So true. It's one of the most frustrating aspects of the disease.

 

[margherita]

I don't think any of realise just how much we rely on reason to sort things out until the other person isn't able to reason ... It's so bitter.

I still have to get used to it.
How difficult it is
Difficult and frustrating

 

[Grannie G]

I don`t think anyone can ever get used to these behaviours . They are frightening and they hurt , when verbal abuse is used and physical abuse threatened.

All anyone can do is be prepared , as Lady A suggested and do not hesitate to phone the police if the situation becomes too frightening to handle alone.

I know it sounds dreadful but in some cases it is the only alternative.

 

[McPhee]

Hi McPhee,
my husband is in the early stage of dementia, but what happened this morning disturbed me.
I sleep in the spare room downstairs , while his room is upstairs.
When I woke up at about 8.30, he was already up, shaved and dressed and ...in a bad mood.
He was angry with me , but I didn't know why.
When we had gone to bed the previous night he was not angry.
He said he would go out because he did not want to see my face..
For a moment I thought I should ask him what I had done to him
Then I realised it would be useless to ask him questions, but I was so discomforted and felt like crying.
He went out and when he came back home , he was in a different mood.
Mr Hyde had gone away

Mr Hyde frequently appears in our house for no good reason, indeed for no reason at all most of the time. A news item in a morning can set things in motion and he can get incredibly angry so quickly. This is very alien to both of us and I know that sometimes he must wonder what the hell is happening. He now says that I dont laugh like I used to and am quiet. He doesn't realise why. I can't tell him because he just doesn't realise. As I've said many times before, good job I love him.

 

[McPhee]

I don't think any of realise just how much we rely on reason to sort things out until the other person isn't able to reason ... It's so bitter.

Exactly, couldn't have put it better.

 

[McPhee]

I don`t think anyone can ever get used to these behaviours . They are frightening and they hurt , when verbal abuse is used and physical abuse threatened.

All anyone can do is be prepared , as Lady A suggested and do not hesitate to phone the police if the situation becomes too frightening to handle alone.

I know it sounds dreadful but in some cases it is the only alternative.

It is very, very difficult, even to carry my phone with me is something he questions. I don't feel he is bad enough, though I know he is getting worse and these incidents prove that. Unfortunately, I will have to wait while he is out for a few hours before attempting to ring the memory clinic as he would go ballistic if he thought I was telling them anything about these problems. It's very frightening sometimes.

 

[dancer12]

It is very, very difficult, even to carry my phone with me is something he questions. I don't feel he is bad enough, though I know he is getting worse and these incidents prove that. Unfortunately, I will have to wait while he is out for a few hours before attempting to ring the memory clinic as he would go ballistic if he thought I was telling them anything about these problems. It's very frightening sometimes.

Hi McPhee:

Just a quick note, if these Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde episodes become more frequent the memory clinic and his doctor need to know for your & his protection. Do they have an email?

Keep safe.

 

[McPhee]

Hi McPhee:

Just a quick note, if these Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde episodes become more frequent the memory clinic and his doctor need to know for your & his protection. Do they have an email?

Keep safe.

Thank you Dancer12, I'll check if there is email facility available at both places. I put these posts on whilst upstairs watching the soaps, he doesn't like me being up here whilst he's downstairs but it does give me an hour or so to myself most evenings in the week. Small things do help don't they!

 

[dancer12]

Thank you Dancer12, I'll check if there is email facility available at both places. I put these posts on whilst upstairs watching the soaps, he doesn't like me being up here whilst he's downstairs but it does give me an hour or so to myself most evenings in the week. Small things do help don't they!

Hi McPhee:

For sure. When he goes to bed at 10pm at night I just feel all of the stress leave my body & freedom move in.

Take care.

 

[Baggybreeks]

Me too. My husband was also Jekyll and Hyde.

Hi McPhee:

For sure. When he goes to bed at 10pm at night I just feel all of the stress leave my body & freedom move in.

Take care.

I had the same situation, and only got peace when he slept, fortunately, at night.
Sadly my husband became violent physically towards me and my son and had to be sectioned after a horrific 24 hours at A&E.
He spent 4 months in an NHS dementia ward until he stabilised and was transferred to a Care Home nearby , where he has been for 3 months, mainly calm now.
It's so sad how my lovely man is so distant and remote. It's not the medication which has changed him, it's this ghastly disease which possesses him.
And he will die of it.

 

[dancer12]

I had the same situation, and only got peace when he slept, fortunately, at night.
Sadly my husband became violent physically towards me and my son and had to be sectioned after a horrific 24 hours at A&E.
He spent 4 months in an NHS dementia ward until he stabilised and was transferred to a Care Home nearby , where he has been for 3 months, mainly calm now.
It's so sad how my lovely man is so distant and remote. It's not the medication which has changed him, it's this ghastly disease which possesses him.
And he will die of it.

Hi Baggybreeks:

I'm so sorry. One of the things the social workers always ask me Is he aggressive. My husband was diagnosed with FTD 5 years ago and nothing has been the same since. It's scary not knowing the future and having to live from day to day never knowing what to expect.

Thanks for your post. Hope things are a bit calmer now for you.

 

[McPhee]

How awful for you and your family

I had the same situation, and only got peace when he slept, fortunately, at night.
Sadly my husband became violent physically towards me and my son and had to be sectioned after a horrific 24 hours at A&E.
He spent 4 months in an NHS dementia ward until he stabilised and was transferred to a Care Home nearby , where he has been for 3 months, mainly calm now.
It's so sad how my lovely man is so distant and remote. It's not the medication which has changed him, it's this ghastly disease which possesses him.
And he will die of it.

So sorry to hear about your husband. It sounds exactly how things are going with my husband. It is a ghastly disease as you say. My lovely man is slowly disappearing before my eyes and there's nothing anyone can do about it.

 

[McPhee]

Violence

I fear it has started again. A couple of weeks ago he couldn't find his leisure pants and in a matter of seconds had launched into a vicious mood not helped by the fact that I found the pants straight away. He raised his fist and screamed at me that he could really hit me. I wasn't upset at first but did lock myself in the bathroom just in case.
I decided I didn't want to be in the same bedroom whilst he was in such a mood so slept in the spare room with a chair against the door and one of my dogs in the room too. I think the shock hit once I got into bed and was truly heartbroken. I just couldn't stop crying.
The next day he did eventually apologise profusely saying he had never done anything like that before. He certainly hadn't ever threatened me in the 30+ years we have been together, except for the remote control incident two weeks before this.
I have told his children and I have decided I will write a letter to the memory clinic as he doesn't go out without me for any length of time now so I can't risk being in the middle of this conversation and him walking in on me.
Life at the moment has returned to normal, well normal as it gets now! No doubt there will be more episodes to this saga to come.

 

[dancer12]

I fear it has started again. A couple of weeks ago he couldn't find his leisure pants and in a matter of seconds had launched into a vicious mood not helped by the fact that I found the pants straight away. He raised his fist and screamed at me that he could really hit me. I wasn't upset at first but did lock myself in the bathroom just in case.
I decided I didn't want to be in the same bedroom whilst he was in such a mood so slept in the spare room with a chair against the door and one of my dogs in the room too. I think the shock hit once I got into bed and was truly heartbroken. I just couldn't stop crying.
The next day he did eventually apologise profusely saying he had never done anything like that before. He certainly hadn't ever threatened me in the 30+ years we have been together, except for the remote control incident two weeks before this.
I have told his children and I have decided I will write a letter to the memory clinic as he doesn't go out without me for any length of time now so I can't risk being in the middle of this conversation and him walking in on me.
Life at the moment has returned to normal, well normal as it gets now! No doubt there will be more episodes to this saga to come.

Hi McPhee:

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, it hurts, it really hurts like crazy to think that your husband of 30+ years could actually hurt you (not intentionally of course). It doesn't help that he apologizes for his behaviour the next morning. The damage has already been done and it's scary.

You did the absolute right thing putting distance between the two of you, sending a letter to the memory clinic and telling his children. It's easy to say it's the illness (which it is) but it only takes a second to get hurt and to often its a long, long road back.

Please, please keep yourself as safe as possible. Is it bad enough that the police should be involved?

 

[LadyA]

McPhee, hard as it is, you need to put your own safety first. Make sure you have a fully charged mobile phone on you at all times, and a set of house/car keys. Not in your bag, in case you can't get to your bag. In a pocket or something. And if your husband becomes very aggressive or violent, call the police emergency no. I know it's really hard and feels wrong, but it's not at all "betraying" him. It's a way of getting him the help he needs. The police have to log a report, which flags you up in the system.

 

[AL60]

Hi. Just a thought. My wife has this strange idea that she can delete any thing or any one on line. Someone she sees on tv or in the news, if she doesn't like them for any reason, and trust me, the list grows longer day by day, I think I'm even on it now, then they must be deleted. Yet not once has she thought to delete 'Dementia'. If only she could. Al.