My dear wife.

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,958
0
Brixham Devon
Mike, your 'lies' are spoken because you love your wife and you try so hard to comfort her. There is no compassionate alternative.

Hugs for you and your wife.


XXXXX
 

Guzelle

Registered User
Aug 27, 2016
426
0
Sheffield
I am also very sorry and understand having been through similar myself, as others here have. YOU have nothing to be ashamed about and certainly not useless. Helplessness is there as we are only human and do our very best, which you are doing and have done.

I understand that only too well.

I hope the cancer problem is just a threat and can be managed well.

If your wife could I am sure she would be on her knees blessing the fact you are still there supporting her through sickness as in health.

So sorry to hear this sending hugs xxxx
 

Casbow

Registered User
Sep 3, 2013
1,054
0
77
Colchester
Thinking of you Gringo and your sadness makes my cry. But I cannot help in anyway other than to say I am thinking of you and wish you the strength you need to see this through. My thoughts are with you and your dear wife.xxxx
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
0
Essex
Gringo, I am so sorry at the difficult path you are treading right now, and my sympathies are with you. Holding your darling wife's hand, can mean so much to you both. xxx
 

PalSal

Registered User
Dec 4, 2011
972
0
Pratteln Switzerland
Once this was the happiest time of the year for us. But not now. I am often ashamed of myself and my ‘bah! humbug!’. I find it best to keep a low profile and keep out of peoples way. I find this quite easy, Something about my demeanour makes folk cross the road to avoid me.
I think it’s a given that dementia care is easier if a routine can be established and followed. And routine is an early casualty at this time of the year and, in my opinion, PWD and carer alike suffer because of it.
Several really trying days and sleepless nights made me pen these lines. To all who are under the hammer, at this time, I can recommend an attempt to put one’s thoughts down on paper. It’s called catharsis I believe, and it usually works for me, although it only offers temporary relief.

As my dear wife slowly descends to her hell,
I make sure she is wearing clean clothes,
And I lie, saying how well she is looking.
Feeling like Canute, as the dementia tide rolls in.

Whom the Lord loveth He chasteneth.
But I see that her hair is well-brushed.
And I lie, saying that she’s never looked better.
Watching like Canute, as the cancer tide floods in.

No gentle rain of mercy droppeth here.
I do all that I can, which doesn’t add up to a lot.
And I lie through my teeth, saying all will be well.
Helpless, like Canute, as the merciless tides surge in.

What a good man you are!


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

gringo

Registered User
Feb 1, 2012
1,188
0
UK.
What a good man you are!


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point



If only that were true! I have grown old disgracefully, My wife would be horrified at the intemperate language I now use, nor would she approve of my bitterness and anger at the way dementia is regarded and treated. At one time my signature, on here, was Dylan Thomas’ “Rage, rage against the dying of the light.” but years and infirmity have served to dampen down my fire. Rather than rage, I mutter obscenities. My circle of loyalties is now very small, I still read and sorrow with many who post in trouble, but I fear, I usually pass by on the other side and don’t offer support or advice. This does not make me proud, I am just very tired and worn down by the unrelenting demands of this wretched disease.
Some time ago, in my pride, I started a thread railing against ‘acceptance’ and equating it to surrender. Such foolishness! I now believe that care can only properly start with ‘acceptance’. I have given in, I no longer expect or even want to change the world. One day, I hope, a cure will be found. But I leave it to others to do what needs to be done, my only aim in life is to is bring a smile to my wife’s face.
So thank-you, but as you can see, I am really a very selfish man.
 

Sue J

Registered User
Dec 9, 2009
8,032
0
Dear Gringo*,

You are far from a selfish man. The pressures of the realities of dementia cause behaviours which, those ignorant of the disease, may appear selfish. How can it be selfish to want to put a smile on the face of another:), it is the act of a man who still loves deeply, and in doing so feels the pain very deeply too.

Thinking of you and your dear wife.
With love
Sue:)
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,958
0
Brixham Devon
Selfish? Never. How can you be selfish when you visit, watch and above all care?:confused:
Caring for someone with dementia IS tiring and it fills your every waking hour. There isn't any energy left to think of anything else, so stop giving yourself a hard time-consider yourself told!

Love,

Lyn XX
 

Scarlett123

Registered User
Apr 30, 2013
3,802
0
Essex
Gringo, I absolutely agree with everything everyone else has said. Exhausted? Yes. Distressed? Yes. Selfish? Never xxx
 

gringo

Registered User
Feb 1, 2012
1,188
0
UK.
I have too much time to think as I sit at her bedside. It’s a very strange feeling, as if I’m outside looking in. None of this real anymore. Do others feel like this?
Bits and pieces of doggerel float around in my head. I haven’t the application now to persevere with them.

_________________

Dementia took her memory.
So she has no past, alas.
There is no cure you see.
So no future either, alas.
Poor lass.

_______________

Looking but not seeing.
Listening but not hearing.
Speaking but not saying.
Touching but not feeling.
Taking but not giving,
Alive, but not living.

_________________

Once my lover and my best friend.
Now a stranger at this bitter end.
Yet her so-familiar ways,
Speak to me of happier days.
 

gringo

Registered User
Feb 1, 2012
1,188
0
UK.
Apart from TP. there is no help for people like us. This evening I went on to the Samaritan’s website, thinking about calling, but really they wouldn’t be able to tell me anything I don’t already know. And anyway I can’t carry on a conversation at the moment without breaking down.
I have to say that even on here I am concerned to speak explicitly about my experience, knowing and feeling concerned for those of our members, who themselves, suffer from dementia.
You just have to grit your teeth, carry on as best you can.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,445
0
Kent
Your post fills me with sadness gringo. I know there are times when the torment is too much to bear.
 

HillyBilly

Registered User
Dec 21, 2015
1,946
0
Ireland
Gringo - you know there are always people around on TP to listen and who understand and who will do their best to support you at this time x
 

Casbow

Registered User
Sep 3, 2013
1,054
0
77
Colchester
Oh Gringo ,so sorry for your sadness. If only our tears could help ,all our loved ones would be at peace in mind as well as body. You are not selfish, you are doing your best and no one can do more. My love to you.xxx
 

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