Broken relationship

suze

Registered User
Oct 12, 2006
62
0
Sussex
Hi
I don't know what heading to give this. My husband yesterday tried to open the car door on the M25 and I yelled at him. I later apologised and tried to explain why I shouted but he swore at me and didn't speak all the way home.
Today he has hurt me with lots of small things, as he has all week, and I burst into tears and asked why he hurt me so much.
He always turns everything round to him and how He is hurt and has just told me that I tried to open the door on the motorway, not him!!! I can't reason with him, his view of life is distorted.
I said I should phone cpn to get help and he told me if I did that he would walk out!
I don't know what to do. I have no support.
 

Cat27

Registered User
Feb 27, 2015
13,057
0
Merseyside
How scary re the car door. My dad did that once & I made him sit in the back with the child locks on after that.
 

Bod

Registered User
Aug 30, 2013
1,958
0
I take it, he's already known to the CPN.
Phone them when you can talk freely, you do need help.
Keep a diary of his moods and actions.
If he gets, or seriously threatens violence, to you or himself, phone 999 for the Police.

Bod
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
73,994
0
72
Dundee
I agree with Cat and Bod.

A number of my friends have had their husbands sit in the back in case they open the car doors. I got a special child lock thing for the seatbelt as my husband was fond of un-clicking the seatbelt as we were driving along.

As Bod says, you should certainly phone the police if you feel under threat. I know they are used to responding to this kind of thing with people who have dementia. Again a couple of my friends have had to do this and they were treated with great respect and kindness by the officers who attended. It also meant that a report was done so they were flagged up as vulnerable people at the police/social work meetings.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Agree with all the above.
May I also say that its really common (and really annoying) for people with dementia to say that it wasnt them that did something - it was you :eek::mad::rolleyes:

PS - no, you cant reason with dementia, it is simply impossible, so dont even try (sigh)
 
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Tara62

Registered User
Feb 25, 2015
112
0
West Yorkshire and East Anglia
How very scary, Suze.

Goodness, you have been on this forum for a long time - I noticed your join date. You have been through this with more than one person, haven't you? That's terribly sad. I've been through it with two.
 

suze

Registered User
Oct 12, 2006
62
0
Sussex
relationships, tempers, cars....

How very scary, Suze.

Goodness, you have been on this forum for a long time - I noticed your join date. You have been through this with more than one person, haven't you? That's terribly sad. I've been through it with two.

Thank you Tara. Yes, my mother had Lewy Body dementia and this forum was my saviour as I knew little about dementia....I know an awful lot now - even sat with dementia patients when I worked for Crossroads - but it doesn't help when close to home and the person still looks the same. I can't get it into my head that my husband is not rational.
Psychiatrist today has suggested putting him back on the 10mg of Donepizil (reduced to 5mg a month ago because of low pulse and he has gone downhill so much since then). I am seeking to get either another carer's assessment in place or some other advice.

Thank you x
 

suze

Registered User
Oct 12, 2006
62
0
Sussex
scary behaviour

Thank you everyone. I don't think he would get violent - but you never know as he has always had a simmering temper...
I can cope so long as the mood is OK but am going to get myself some help this time
 

suze

Registered User
Oct 12, 2006
62
0
Sussex
car locks

I agree with Cat and Bod.

A number of my friends have had their husbands sit in the back in case they open the car doors. I got a special child lock thing for the seatbelt as my husband was fond of un-clicking the seatbelt as we were driving along.

As Bod says, you should certainly phone the police if you feel under threat. I know they are used to responding to this kind of thing with people who have dementia. Again a couple of my friends have had to do this and they were treated with great respect and kindness by the officers who attended. It also meant that a report was done so they were flagged up as vulnerable people at the police/social work meetings.

That's great idea if he would sit in the back - but too difficult. Have to find a way of locking the car doors when we are inside...!
 

Izzy

Volunteer Moderator
Aug 31, 2003
73,994
0
72
Dundee
My car's child locks are only on the back doors. You can only lock the front ones so that someone outside can't open them. It's always possible to open the front doors from inside.

Distraction worked quite well for us too. If my husband had something to my occupy his hands he tended to leave the doors alone.
 

suze

Registered User
Oct 12, 2006
62
0
Sussex
good idea

Thank you Izzy - my car doors are the same! I have wing mirrors which come in when centrally locked too - not useful for driving! I can't quite think what Jack ought to have in his hands....and he tried to open the door in confusion when we woke up....I will have a think though
xx



My car's child locks are only on the back doors. You can only lock the front ones so that someone outside can't open them. It's always possible to open the front doors from inside.

Distraction worked quite well for us too. If my husband had something to my occupy his hands he tended to leave the doors alone.
 

Oh Knickers

Registered User
Nov 19, 2016
500
0
A couple of suggestions. On my car, I can lock the doors from the inside. And I can lock the front passenger door individually. There is a little knob to flick just by the door handle. I also have a knob to flick on the driver's door which locks all doors. Just in case your husband refuses the back seat.

Secondly, sibling gave our father lengths of material to fiddle with - velvet, different colour and textures. Don't know whether your husband needs or, indeed, will accept fiddle fabric or a fiddle bag. But worth trying?

Best of luck.
 

suze

Registered User
Oct 12, 2006
62
0
Sussex
thanks

Thanks but I don't think my Ford Fiesta has those. I have gone through manual and there is nothing to suggest front doors can be locked from inside....sigh...
Ironically my knitting group knits twiddle muffs for those with dementia - but usually women and a tad further down the line than Jack....[ xx


QUOTE=Oh Knickers;1382616]A couple of suggestions. On my car, I can lock the doors from the inside. And I can lock the front passenger door individually. There is a little knob to flick just by the door handle. I also have a knob to flick on the driver's door which locks all doors. Just in case your husband refuses the back seat.

Secondly, sibling gave our father lengths of material to fiddle with - velvet, different colour and textures. Don't know whether your husband needs or, indeed, will accept fiddle fabric or a fiddle bag. But worth trying?

Best of luck.[/QUOTE]
 

Saffie

Registered User
Mar 26, 2011
22,513
0
Near Southampton
Both men and women like to fiddle with their hands and they also use these muffs.
I don't think it matters how far along on the dementia road someone might be, if it helps it is surely worth trying.
All my car doors lock automatically a few seconds after I move and the release button to open them is on the driver's door.
 

BR_ANA

Registered User
Jun 27, 2012
1,080
0
Brazil
Thank you.....I will take a look and maybe get some, just in case, he would hold them. I assume he will look at me and say 'what is this for?'! Ha ha

I used to give my purse to my mum hold. However, later, it was a big mess to get everything back inside


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