So bizarre !

2jays

Registered User
Jun 4, 2010
11,598
0
West Midlands
Things can't go on like this
I'm sure you'll work it out between you.

We don't think it's right for you to be living all on your own
Thank you for being so considerate.

When are you going to be back to normal?
You don't need to worry about me.

You'll recover much quicker if you get back to your usual routine. I'll pick you up tomorrow and take you to MIL's house.
That won't be possible, but thanks for the kind thought.

It's time you did your share
Yes, I understand you think that.

You don't seem to understand how much MIL needs to see you
Yes, I understand you think that.

It's your turn to have MIL for Christmas
Yes, I understand you think that.

You're not pulling your weight. MIL needs you.
Yes, I understand you think that.

When you visit, it wouldn't hurt for you to ring us to let us know how MIL is getting on.
Yes, I understand you think that.

Brilliant!

and I would add get a parrot so that by the time you get fed up of saying the same thing over and over, the parrot could say it for you :D


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
 

Grace L

Registered User
Jun 14, 2014
647
0
NW UK
Thanks Katrine :):) Good answers. I am doing my best to avoid the in/out laws. I think then have a 'cunning plan' ... for me and MiL.

When I give a non/ smart answers to SiLs questions, it sometimes goes over her head.
There is a pause, a look of confusion, then recognition that I am being 'a smart alec'..
Then a harrumph .... and I get 'told off' for being cheeky :)
 

Katrine

Registered User
Jan 20, 2011
2,837
0
England
Thanks Katrine :):) Good answers. I am doing my best to avoid the in/out laws. I think then have a 'cunning plan' ... for me and MiL.

When I give a non/ smart answers to SiLs questions, it sometimes goes over her head.
There is a pause, a look of confusion, then recognition that I am being 'a smart alec'..
Then a harrumph .... and I get 'told off' for being cheeky :)

That proves you've been effective in deflection! The aim is to maintain a barrier against all aspects of the other person's agenda, and to avoid sharing any personal information. If SIL looks confused and cross, and calls you cheeky, she is now on the back foot and has 'lost ground'. Result! :D

You are now in control. You can choose to:
Show a carefully blank face (neutral)
Smile or laugh (provocative)
Say "mind how you go / close the gate behind you..." (reminding her whose territory she's on).

Remember, the more awkward, uncooperative, thick-skinned and cheeky (i.e. assertive) you are, the better for you. These outlaws are change-averse self-centred ostriches by nature, so it's taken them a long while to wake up and realise that something's changed with you. They don't know what to do, so they're trying to re-establish the old caring scenario, in the face of all the evidence that shows why this isn't possible.

Well done you. Keep it up! Your physical recovery is the most important thing. It's obvious that you already know this because you are less and less affected by the antics of the outlaws. However, they are so staggeringly presumptuous and patronising, that it's easy to get caught out by the next outrageous statement.
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,616
0
USA
Katrine, I absolutely love, love, love, your posts. May I hire you, please????

With permission, I will borrow the "yes, I understand you think that" response, please.

I think that "so staggeringly presumptuous and patronising" and "outrageous statement" perfectly describe Grace's outlaws.

You've made me laugh, which has made my day! Thank you!
 
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Slugsta

Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
2,758
0
South coast of England
Great responses Katrine :D

Grace, it might be permissible to tell off a child, or maybe a lesser ranked employee, for being 'cheeky' but that is not to treat one's peers. I think this shows the way the outlaws think of your status!

Ann, I do hope that things are going well for you.

We have some flat viewings fixed up over the next week or so, I am find it quite difficult to keep track of everything!

Our buyer visited again today. I was concerned that he might see problems they overlooked the first time but he seems even more keen. He is a quantity surveyor and has great plans for the house whereas his wife wants to get her hands on the garden! I know some vendors get upset when they hear buyers planning to make changes but I'm delighted to think that someone else is going to enjoy the house :) However, I am aware that 'there's many a slip twixt cup and lip'.
 

Ann Mac

Registered User
Oct 17, 2013
3,693
0
Morning everyone,

Amy, expecting your Mum to be upset/unsettled about the room move is one thing - its a lot different from actually dealing with that upset, as Slugsta very wisely says. Its no wonder its impacting on you, Hun, so 'ramble away'. Its helpful for me in that its got me thinking more deeply about how Mil will be when we finally (hopefully) get her moved into the home - so much fuss and hassle about just getting the paperwork and meetings and all that stuff sorted, that I actually hadn't really thought about her reaction after the move and what I should be thinking of doing to make it easier for her (if that's possible!) as much as I should have been thinking about it. Your posts have prodded me into looking into what happens afterwards, not just for Mil - but in terms of how it will impact on us, so thank you - forewarned is forearmed, as they say x I hope that you are able to settle the financial/legal stuff soon, just to guve you some peace of mind, hun. And we get the almost identical signals to leave, when we visit, from mil as your Mum gives - her becomming concerned that we will be 'late for that other place you have to go to', or 'If you don't go now you will miss the bus/train' or 'get stuck in traffic' - and if you don't leave promptly enough, a very plain 'Go now!' and the start of agitation. Like you, we just go along with her and act on the cues that she gives.

Grace, I absolutely LOVE Katrine's suggested responses - just brilliant! A 'family meeting'? - I reckon that its not so much a meeting they want, as a chance for them to gang up on you in a group, to try and force you to take the main responsibility for Mil. Keep ignoring the phone calls, but if they do try and pin you down, tell them that there is no point you going to any meeting as your are under 'Docotrs orders' to take it easy and would be unable to offer any help at the present anyway. Hope the physio went well for you x

Sounds as though the vendors are very keen, Slugsta - (she says with fingers tightly crossed) - hoping that you find the absolutely perfect flat during the viewings, Hun x

First news - Busta dog is better, but still not 100%. Some sort of infection - and of course at his age, that's always serious :( However he has managed to drink and go to the loo throughout - though we have had to carry him into the garden up to yesterday late afternoon - and he has now started eating again, thank goodness - he's on a diet of very bland steamed chicken and rice, which is easy on his tum and tempting in comparison to his usual doggy fare, I guess. This morning, he actually attempted to climb up on to 'his' sofa in the dining room - and did manage to get down off it himself when he wanted to. Not completely out of the woods - but on the mend, and I am so, so, relieved. I can't bear the thought of losing him, he's very much 'My boy' and always has been.

Managed to speak to the social worker yesterday, and the meeting is set for Wednesday next week, at 11.30, which suits me. SW informed me that she wasn't even told that the ward had cancelled the meeting until the actual morning of the meeting - it seems that a lot of the mis-information/lack of information originates with the ward admin! She also was surprised that Mil was back on the EMH ward, as she had been told that she was 'very ill with pneumonia' - which is a little different from the 'mild chest infection' that we were told she has had! Once again, she wasn't impressed with the communication from the ward.

Cold is - I think - finally starting to go. So fed up of it - I've rivalled Mil for tissue usage over the last week or so! A bit of a cough still, a bit of a snffle - but throat a lot better, thankfully. Work is manic, but the major IT issues are now sorted - which involved me making another trip to the nearest service base, a round trip of over 30 miles, which turned out to be a complete waste of time - but still left with niggles- and I am so fed up of having to phone the IT department - and I'm sure they are sick of me, too. Seems as soon as I sort one issue, I'm back on the phone about yet another one - they have been lovely, and assured me that none of it is down to any mistakes I've made, but its still so annoying. The niggles are on the 'must sort' list for today, as is confirming a trip to Manchester next week, and organising the travel, and then sorting out expense claims and several other admin based jobs. I also have a massive list of emails to get through - no sooner have I dealt with 20, then another 20 arrive!

I also have to sort my own pc problems, as for some reason, all my 'pinned' aps and programmes have gone from my task bar - and so has my search facility :confused: At the moment, can't access my images, or photo editing stuff, or my documents directly - which is infuriating! And I have no idea why! ARRRGGGHHHHHH - hate technology at times!

Hope all of you have a good day xxxxx
 

Batsue

Registered User
Nov 4, 2014
4,893
0
Scotland
Ann, I am glad to hear that Busta is improving, it is always so worrying when a dog is ill as they can't tell you what is wrong and look so sorry for themselves xx.
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,616
0
USA
Ann, sending very best wishes for the Busta dog and glad to hear there's some improvement. Hope he continues on the mend.

Your IT woes seem never ending. I wish you an end to them, so you can concentrate on something else. Also an end to your head cold!

It is reassuring to hear that you get the same sort of thing from MIL, when she is ready for you to go. I know you've told us that before, but I don't always piece these things together right away.

I don't normally visit my mother by myself but had to go to the care home yesterday to drop some things off. Monday night I took two phones calls from a staff person telling me my mother was asking for an over-the-counter medicine and I was to bring that in straight away. They have never, ever asked me to do this before (they get all meds, prescription and otherwise, and supplies, from their pharmacy supply company, who can deliver anything the same or next day) and so I was flustered by this. Also I'm not sure this staff person is someone who knew my mother from the Assisted Living side, and I actually blurted out at one point in the conversation, "you do know she has dementia?" as it seemed to me that my mother was spinning a confabulation. In fact, I'm almost certain of it, but of course it can be hard to tell.

The staff person then directed me to purchase an over-the-counter fiber supplement in capsule or tablet form, and gave me the brand name. She stated she'd called the doctor and gotten an order. My pharmacy was closing in half an hour but I hurried over and made it there just before they shut. I told the very kind pharmacist what had happened and he said, that brand doesn't make capsules or tablets, and then worked out what they were likely talking about and I bought that.

Only to get a second call from the care home, telling me to buy something else, and when would I be bringing that? Tomorrow, I told them firmly.

So yesterday I went to another pharmacy and bought what they told me to buy (having ascertained it would be a harmless fiber supplement in case my mother doesn't actually need it, and wouldn't interact with her other medications as far as I could tell, and wouldn't harm her IBS as far as I could tell) and went to deliver it.

I had another pile of "stuff" for my mother and darn near lost my courage and just left it all outside her door, but knocked and went in. And then ended up staying for well over an hour, which is usually longer than my mother wants company. I find that I spend so much energy being calm and in control of my body language and responses to her and the dementia, that it can be a bit tiring.

My mother and Miss T were in my mother's room, sitting on the sofa, eating biscuits and (sort of) watching telly.

My mother was much less agitated than when I saw her last Saturday, which was good. Only a couple of comments about not liking the room, instead of the steady stream we heard the other day. She also gave no indications (verbal or non-) of being in pain; also good.

She was wearing the same clothes as she'd had on, on Saturday. I am now 100% sure she takes her clothes off at night and puts them back on in the morning. She is never smelly (body odor or urine or otherwise) and I suppose it doesn't matter, but it would be nice for her clothes to get washed once in a while and maybe a fresh top every now and again? Or perhaps I'm being unreasonable, unless I want to go and oversee it myself? I have it on my list of questions, at any rate. I wasn't able to investigate her pants situation surreptitiously but thought I saw more soiled ones at the bottom of her wardrobe. :(

My mother did exhibit some confusion that was a little different. I had taken her, as requested, snacks and some little cans of Coke for her mini fridge. I handed her the Cokes and she went into the bathroom with them (hmmmm) and then came out, very confused, saying that she "can't find anything in this place" and "I want to put them in the fridge but I haven't got one." But later she was aware of her fridge.

Her snacks are disappearing fast (sometimes they just sit for a long time) and we suspect that she and Miss T are spending more time in my mother's room now, and of course likely snacking away. My mother and/or the pair of them had eaten most of what we left on Saturday! (And if my mother ate three pints of ice cream by herself in as many days, it's no wonder she was constipated, if she was. I took her dried fruit, prunes, and biscuits and crackers with oatmeal yesterday, and no sweets.) I don't really care but don't want to take her things that will make her sick.

One of the nurses, who seems to be the second-in-command on the memory unit, bumped into me on my way out and gave me an update. He reports my mother is, from their perspective, settling well, and better than might be expected. He also said she's not asking for as much pain medication for her arthritis/old injuries, as she was on the Assisted Living side, and that she seems to be going to sleep more easily at night. That is all VERY good news and helps to underscore that the move was a good choice.

Then I bumped into the manager and the maintenance guy and chatted with them. The paperwork for the move and the new fees was painless (no scary clauses about me being responsible for things) and has been completed and the manager, who is very nice, wanted a chat to see how I was feeling about the move.

So with one thing and another my "quick" errand ate up most of the afternoon and I hadn't time to go to the park for a walk, but had to head to the grocery store to fill my larder and find something for dinner. On the way, a child (he looked about 12) rode his bike into the street, against the light, on a main road, without looking for cars. I saw him enter the intersection and slammed on my brakes in time and mercifully so did the cars behind me and next to me, so no harm done. I burst into tears, from nerves, no doubt. I was travelling under the speed limit and had a green traffic signal but if I hurt anyone, especially a child, even if I weren't at fault, I would never forgive myself. He wasn't wearing a helmet and I know what a collision with a motor vehicle could do. I stopped to get myself under control and went on to the store.

When I checked out at the store (I don't think you have Trader Joe's in the UK) the nice young man at the checkout, who gets bonus points for calling me "miss," asked how I was, and being honest due to being upset, I hesitated and said I was just okay. He seemed concerned and I reassured him I was fine, it was a lovely day, et cetera. As I started to gather up my bags to leave he presented me with a lovely bouquet of flowers! I demurred but he said, no, this is to brighten your day, please, we insist. Apparently he'd signalled a manager while I was looking for my wallet. I almost cried again on the spot and did, in the car, because it was so kind and I was feeling so wretched. (And apparently looked fairly wretched as well.) My day was much nicer after that and the flowers are lovely on my kitchen counter. I call that a deliberate act of kindness and sent the company an email to thank them.

I've rambled on at length again, and again expect no responses. Thanks for the safe place to get this all out of my head.

Sending you all good wishes and flowers for everyone!
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,936
0
North East England
What a lovely young man Amy....:D:D

I don't know what the situation is in the US regarding extra medications ( OTC or not) but over here the CH would only ask me to supply things like a mouth ulcer gel but even painkillers or nappy cream were provided under prescription, Mum's CH were concerned that no drugs were left in a resident's room in case they were mishandled.

I hope that you can arrange a meeting to discuss Mum's Care Plan asap.

Ann....glad to hear about Busta:D:D I wonder if an update has upset your settings on your computer...try a system restore.
 

Slugsta

Registered User
Aug 25, 2015
2,758
0
South coast of England
Evening all,

Ann, I'm so glad that Busta dog seems to be improving - I hope you are soon going the same way!

I think you are wise to consider the effects on MIL and yourselves when you get her into a CH. For you, it will be another reminder of how down the road she has traveled :(

Amy, it sounds as if your mother's CH are being a PITA (do I need to translate that?)! You would have thought that anyone with experience with dementia would check a story with NOK before asking for anything to be taken in! Your description of your mum and her friend sitting together remind me so much of my Mum and her friend - and I'm thankful for that friendship, even if it does seem that Mum is only wanted to run errands!

How lovely to be given the flowers! OK, it's a bit of a shock to realise how rough you must look, but what a thoughtful young man the cashier must be :)

Mum was in quite good form today - at least she was clean and dry throughout! Her washing machine seems to be not working properly so we need to get that sorted out. Someone is also going to look at her shower, I discovered that it is not working when I was cleaning her up on Sunday. She won't allow the carers to shower her but I might get away with it if she is 'dirty' again.

We have viewed 3 properties today. The first one was almost perfect but no easy way to arrange access to outside for Alfie (or any future cat). Neither of the others were right for us. I have decided not to tell Mum about this until/unless I have to - she would either forget completely or constantly mither!

It's still pretty mild here during the day - I put the furry collar back on my coat when the weather changed but, actually, it is still too warm for it. I'm certainly not complaining!
 

jugglingmum

Registered User
Jan 5, 2014
7,085
0
Chester
Haven't managed to post on here for a bit as always want to write a long post.

Grace glad to hear you are progressing well, sounds like the in laws are starting to realise the problem, but still want you to fix it. I hope you have strategies in place for every move they think of, perhaps tell them you have a lodger, so they no longer think you live alone is all I can think of to help.

Ann - I hope the assessment happens soon, and that your IT problems settle down, I well remember the shock to my system of going back to work after maternity leave, and guess you are experiencing something similar but worse with finding your feet in a new job as well as still trying to fit everything else in.

Hope Busta has continued to improve.

Slugsta - hope flat viewing progresses - as you say you need somewhere for cats to come and go. Hope you can get your mum's shower fixed. From what you are posting she is needing more support, is it worth getting her reassessed? and more daycare days?

Amy - sounds very odd getting you to buy the supplement from the phonecalls. Did you ask the manager the policy? Wouldn't have thought you'd want to get those without a Dr say so and only to be taken with supervision so she doesn't take too many. Dirty underwear in wardrobe sounds to me like the carers aren't doing their job properly. I think your mum will work out where everything in her room is, but slowly as it takes her longer to adjust to things.

Update here - dau is slowly improving, don't know if I posted that OH being an engineer calculated it would take 6 months to get fully sorted. We can see improvements in her all the time, not feeling the cold like she did this time last year, much less sleep needed. She is cycling more, but then tired from it - a very fine balance. She had to reapply for her place on the Welsh MTB programme - which we weren't sure if she'd get - but she did so she is going to South Wales for 3 days in half term. She is getting the train there, as she normally does, however I have to go to a meeting there at the end - so an 8 hour round trip to pick her up, I've asked if I have to go to meeting as my friend can pick her up, and the answer is yes!

As her training camp is the end of the week, I've had to move her blood test so it is now the same time as mum's rearranged memory clinic, so OH is going to meet me at the hospital to take dau in for blood test.

And I had an asthma appt yesterday, was told they would change meds to one thing, and then a Facebook message from the nurse to say something else this morning! Nurse lives in my road and her son plays with mine - so not an official NHS communication method!
 

Grace L

Registered User
Jun 14, 2014
647
0
NW UK
Hello everyone.....

jugglingmum.... In laws have been fully aware of MiL/Mum for a long time.
Thing is, it is better for them if they move MiL in with me. I promise you , that will not happen.
They want to hold onto mums bungalow and not have it used as payment towards fees.

When MiLs mum became frail, it was decided between the brothers and sisters, that Granny was going to move in with her daughter and Son in law. They were forced.
This family lived in a bungalow, fairly flat, not many steps etc....
They did not have the space, had several teenage kids, but Granny was moved in.

Of course the family (MiL own brothers and sisters) promised to help out, but they never did.
Granny did not have any property to 'inherit' as it was council owned.

I wont be bullied, forced into having MiL move in with me. Why they think this is a good idea is beyond me.
MiL has lived in the same town for over 50 years, why they want to move her out is a 'mystery':rolleyes:

Knee is getting better, though having a few bumps in the road.
My 'good knee' has started hurting . And this morning my lower back is really painful.
I need to talk to the physio about what is it I'm doing wrong.

I need a lot of stair practice at the Hospital gym. I am still very shaky , especially going down stairs.


Slugsta... What a shame you are not up North. I have the perfect flat for you.
We are not meant to have pets here (Lease) , but as people have always had them I think it gets overlooked.
Good luck with your move and flat hunting.


I'll catch up with the rest of you over the weekend xxxx
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,723
0
Suffolk
Grace, pain in other knee and hip, probably means that you are now walking properly again, not awkward or lop sided that you would have been doing. The pain is a good thing, showing that you are doing things correctly once more! It'll go soon, promise! ( couldn't find a crossed fingers emoticon!)
 

HillyBilly

Registered User
Dec 21, 2015
1,946
0
Ireland
When I checked out at the store (I don't think you have Trader Joe's in the UK) the nice young man at the checkout, who gets bonus points for calling me "miss," asked how I was, and being honest due to being upset, I hesitated and said I was just okay. He seemed concerned and I reassured him I was fine, it was a lovely day, et cetera. As I started to gather up my bags to leave he presented me with a lovely bouquet of flowers! I demurred but he said, no, this is to brighten your day, please, we insist.
Amy - I had somehow missed this. What a lovely gesture!
 

Ann Mac

Registered User
Oct 17, 2013
3,693
0
Hello everyone,

Had an absolutely manic couple of days, and though I've popped on and had quick skims of whats been happening with you all, I honestly haven't had time to read properly, or respond. A lot of it is down to the fact that the IT issues seem to have mainly been sorted (she says, turning cartwheeels, punching the air with relief - and crossing her fingers, just in case!) and I've been fathoms deep in databases and catch up. Oh and Maureen - we did a systems restore in the end, and everything went back to normal on our house pc - so yep, probably an update causing the issues there.

I also have news about Mil - more of that later!

Thanks sue and everyone else for the good wishes for Busta-dog. He is very, very much better - to the point where I am now having trouble convincing him that he no longer needs the specially cooked invalid diet that I've been providing him with :rolleyes: He now believes that steamed fish or chicken, with rice and doggy-suitable vegetables are no more than his due, and he is very reluctant to go back to his usual food. If I thought that teenagers had the monopoly on scathing looks and the ability to stalk off with their noses in the air, I was wrong - that old dog of mine could teach any teen how its done properly, every time I try putting a bowl of plain old dog food down in front of him!

Amy, how odd that the home would ask you to buy and bring in even an over the counter medication! Especially as you say that have access to their own pharmacy supply company. As cragmaid says, over here, there are very few OTC things that homes would ask for - in fact, where Mil went for DC and respite, unless something was prescribed as a regular thing by a GP, they were not allowed to give it to Mil, even down to paracetamols and aqueous cream for the dry skin on her legs. I think its odd when your Mum has moved to a unit that provides more support, that more support isn't being given to encourage her to change her clothes - I don't know exacty what the various catagories of care homes are in the US, or what support each catagory is expected to provide as a general rule - but 'memory unit' suggest to me that its a place where the issues associated with memory loss (including forgetting to change clothes, wash, etc) are recognised and the appropriate support should be provided. On the plus side, it does seem as though your Mum is settling pretty well in her new accomadation - which is briliant news :)

And how absolutely lovely of that young man to be so kind and considerate! Heartwarming to read something like that xxx

Hope you can get your Mum's shower and washer sorted quickly, Slugsta - things like that are trying at the best of times - add in trying to deal with incontinence when both those items are on the blink, and it must be a nightmare! Sorry that the first few viewings were no good for you and your OH (and the cats!) - got fingers crossed that you find the perfect place soon xxxx

JM, so glad to read that there are some improvements for your dau, and that she got her place back on the MTB programme. I feel for you having the long journey to attend a meeting - had a lot of that lately, myself, and it is exhausting. A mate remarked that it must be fab for me to go 'gadding off' all round the place, all in the name of work - but its all starting off in the dark, spending several hours in meetings, then heading home as it gets dark, and ending up shattered! No time to appreciate the sights of whereever it is I've been to!

Grace, I agree with Spamar - the pain in your good knee is probably due to you 'walking properly' now your bad knee has been sorted. I have had similar associated pain (and swelling) on my 'good' leg when I've had some effective pain relief on my 'bad' hip. I am so glad that you are not being 'bullied' where Mil is concerned, by your out-laws - stay strong, hun xxxx

OK - onto Mil!

Firstly, OH picked up some washing for me at the weekend. I was really annoyed to see it consisted of the tops from two of her new pj's - but no bottoms - 2 pairs of netties (which are neither hers, nor are they effective in dealing with ehr incontinence) 2 tops and a just one of her new bra's. So now I'm wondering if the bottoms from her new pj's have already gone walkabout! Anyway, I washed it all, and took it back yesterday morning, on my way to an early meeting I had. I felt well enough to risk seeing Mil properly - first time in nearly 2 weeks - and found her very laid back and chilled, telling me all about how she was going back to work - and she added that though she knew I wouldn't approve (?), she had decided that 'hairdressing has changed so much, whilst I've been ill, Ann, that I've decided to go for office work instead' . I just went along with it - though to my certain knowledge, she has never in her life either been a hairdresser or done 'office work', so I have no idea where that's come from. Still, she was calm and smiling, so that's the main thing. She seems to have lost an awful lot of weight over the last couple of weeks, though - her face seemed very thin to me, and she looked far frailer than she did a few weeks back :( I also left with a bulging large bag of laundry - some wet stuff separated out into bags within the big bag - which was pretty pointless, as there was more urine-soaked stuff just mixed in with the main load :rolleyes: Its been washed and dried, and on todays agenda is sorting through and seeing if the missing pj bottoms are amongst the pile.

As I was leaving, I was told (almost as an after-thought, by the nurse who has to escort you out to open all the secure doors) that the home had actually come out the day before and assessed Mil - and that it seemed to go well. Driving to the meeting with my fingers crossed was tricky - but I figured it could well be worth it!

Back home, after the meeting, straight into my little office and got stuck into work. Came down to make a coffee and the phone rang. The assistant manageress from the home. Did we still want Mil to have the vacanct room there? I said yes and she informed me that they were happy to accept her, that she had already phoned the hospital and it had been arranged - subject to OH or I giving the go ahead - that Mil would move there - NEXT WEDNESDAY! The woman must have thought I was a bit on the slow side, as I repeatedly asked was she sure that the hospital had agreed to this? Afterall, all the meetings that I'm told we have to have are scheduled for next Wednesday - and here was this manageress saying that the move had been arranged for that very same morning! She was very sure, she said. So I thanked her - and rang the hospital.

Ward manager not there, but spoke to one of the staff nurses who said that there was absolutely no reason why Mil couldn't be moved - that the meetings were more or less 'formalities' as everyone is in agreement about the care Mil needs, and the 117 funding is a given. She did say I could phone the ward manager on Monday morning to check if I wanted. I'm actually off to Manchester (again) on Monday, but I've decided to get a later train so that I can definitely make that call! Because the SW has definitely left me with the impression that Mil cannot be moved until these blasted meetings are repeated. If there is yet another mix up, if it goes wrong because of wrong info being given or another mess up on the part of the hospital, I am seriously going to go ballistic!!!!

So (Hoping and praying that there won't be any more mix ups or incompetence) another busy few days ahead! Son and oldest are back home for a few days next week - its oldests 24th birthday on Halloween, so she is coming down during her schools half term so we can have a bit of a birthday celebration - I have the Manchester meet (won't be home till nearly 10 that evening!), I have to try and sort out what Mil has at the hospital, what I need to buy and get it all to Mil's new 'home' by Tuesday night, so that its all set up and (hopefully) welcoming for her on Wednesday morning. The home and the hospital have both strongly advised that we let staff from the hospital escort Mil to her new home and settle her in, and that we then phone later in the day to check the advisability of visiting. I really think that's a good idea - I suspect that if we try to take her, there may be some upset, as goodness knows what expectations us taking her anywhere might raise in her.

Talk about a rollercoaster! Its just been a long ride of hopes raised and then dashed for a while now, so I am scared to believe that a move to somewhere permenant and settled for Mil is finally going to happen. Both OH and I had an initial response of huge relief - but sat there last night, we both were hit by the reality of the fact that Mil is going in a home - something we had hoped so hard that we could avoid for her. So there is sadness. And a little guilt. because although we are telling ourselves that it isn't 'us' that has 'put her in a home' (such a flipping negative phrase!) - its the dementia that has made this unavoidable, we haven't failed, we haven't let her down, that we couldn't have done more - there is still that niggle at the back of your mind that asks "Are you really sure about that? Could you have done more?". Doing our best to hit that GM with the big stick, but I think its almost inevitable that these feelings will be there - and that we just have to ride them out and come to terms with it all.

So - please all keep fingers crossed that this all goes smoothly for us and Mil - and that this home turns out to be the best place for Mil. It ticked the vast majority of the 'boxes' that OH and I had, and despite the collossal let down of the first placement being lost due to a mix up on the part of the home, OH and I remained impressed by it looking and smelling clean, by the general atmosphere, by the staff interaction with the residents that we saw when we visited, and by the reports of how well they cope with challenging behaviour. The fact that its so close is a big bonus too. So I really hope that we have chosen well for her.

Take care everyone - hope you all have a calm and peaceful weekend xxxx
 
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Grace L

Registered User
Jun 14, 2014
647
0
NW UK
Ann, I'm keeping everything crossed for next Wednesday.
I hope you don't have to cope with any more delays.


Knee OK this morning.
I think my good knee pain is due to me walking in a new way, and using muscles in a different way.
Physio said I was sitting straighter as well, not leaning over a bit. Wasn't aware I was before.
It takes a of of concentration in walking, trying not to fall over, negotiate obstacles...


Not bothering with Halloween this year.
We only have a few local kids (in our road) call, not many at all.
I cant be doing with getting up and down, or waiting for someone to knock the door.
 

Onlyme

Registered User
Apr 5, 2010
4,992
0
UK
Ann I was going to pm you but your up inbox is full.

Once your MIL moves out into the community then the hospital SW will not be on that case and you will have to start again with a new SW. If she us self funding ( due to **** up of 117) SW won't want to know. Do you have 117 in writing? If not you will have to go through that again too. As long as she is in hospital they will be willing to go through hoops, as soon as she is out in the community she is invisible.
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,936
0
North East England
Ann, please do not knock yourselves out trying to get "everything" right for next week.....do the basics and wait and see what else is needed as and when .:D:D

Remember that you will probably need to return to the hospital ward a couple of days later to collect the rest of MIL's unwashed laundry:rolleyes::mad::rolleyes:
 

Amy in the US

Registered User
Feb 28, 2015
4,616
0
USA
Ann, that is fabulous news and if they foul this up again I will get on a plane to come and beat them up personally!!!!!

From experience: DEFINITELY let the hospital staff arrange/transport/accompany her. Don't even think of doing this yourself, please. Given the history, I strongly agree that if you do this yourselves, nothing good will come of it.

My experience with the moves is that it's impossible to have everything you need the first time. You know the drill with labeling things and not taking anything precious or irreplaceable, so do what you can, make sure she has enough clothes for a few days, and you can fill in the gaps later. Please try not to make yourself insane in the process. Much easier said than done, I know.

I am so pleased you may finally have a place for MIL, and that your technology problems for work are getting better, and thank goodness Busta is feeling better, and you will get to have some time with your kids, and that the end could be in sight for the DHW (Dreaded Hospital Washing)!!!

Hooray!

Grace, hope your physio/OT/PT continues to go okay and they can sort out the pain you're having in your other knee. Please take good care of yourself.

JM, pleased to hear some improvement with JugglingDaughter and hope she continues to be on the mend. Good news on the place for the biking programme.

Slugsta, good luck with house hunting and viewing and getting your mum's shower sorted.

I have a meeting (a "care conference") with the nurse manager for the Memory Care unit where my mother is now living, on Monday. I have a LONG list of questions and concerns. I will let you know what I find out!

Greetings and good wishes to everyone and hope you have a good weekend.