heart breaking

[Livveywills]

Haven't posted on here for a few months, mum has vascular dementia - we made the decision to move her into a care home which went really well after months of worry and mum not wanting this to ever happen to her and all the resulting guilt that went alongside. Perfect timing as a few weeks later I discovered I was pregnant and also mum had another series of TIA's and became doubly incontinent - all this may just have broken us had mum not been in the lovely care home.

It's been 5 month now and the care home can't cope any longer, mum is violent I just had a call today to say she has been attacking both staff and residents again. The doctor has prescribed antibiotics today in case of a UTI - no one can get a sample from her, personal care is almost impossible for the home on most days, on Sunday she was covered in faeces and two staff wrapped her into a blanket while two others cleaned the best they could. There is a sedative prescribed for use as and when but inspite of an increased dose it doesn't seem to be helping.

When I saw mum yesterday she couldn't balance on her own, her hunch and head hanging which has increased over the past month was at the point where she couldn't look up to see us and we had to hold both her arms to help her balance enough to walk at all. Today they've told me she is even further over literally hanging her head between her knees, the doctors have told the care home that dementia sufferers often return to the fetal positon - this might not matter if they could get mum to lie in a bed but she won't so is hanging in a chair starting to fall off of it and hitting anyone who comes near to try to stop her falling.

We had a social service review a couple of weeks ago as the home said they couldn't cope, there was a medication change then and the home were asked to cope for a few more weeks while they saw if the medication helped. Clearly it hasn't and when they called social services today they were told the social worker was going on leave for the next 2 1/2 weeks and would start to look into a nursing home or something else when she returns. The care home manager managed to get a new antipsycotic prescribed today - she said if that doesn't change anything she is really concerned that there might be an incident which is too severe and then they'd have to ask fo rmum to be removed straight away to the locked mental health unit at our hospital - where she could be properly sedated.

I'm so heart broken it has come to this, that these lovely staff are trapped with my mum hitting out at them and doing what she is doing, that the other residents are suffering and that my mum who was gentle dignified and would never have done anything like this, stripped of every dignity, with no element of life to enjoy. Just keep asking myself when it will all end, how much more does she have to suffer, I wish she could just slip away now. As I write that it seems the worst thing to write about my mother, but what has she got left, how many months of being scared and angry and hitting out at anyone who tries to help her has she got to go through. i can't remember the last time she really had any pleasure in even a momment.

There is no win here for anyone, the kids are grieving my mum is lost inside the emptiness of her mind it's all so heartbreakingly desperatley sad

 

[HillyBilly]

Hi Livveywills.

I just wanted to stop by and say that I've read your post and to offer my sympathy and a hug. You must indeed be heartbroken by what is happening to your Mum.

I do hope that the professionals can find a solution so that your Mum can be properly assessed and helped to find some peace again.

I'm sure others who've been in your situation will be along to offer you advice and support.

And congratulations! I do hope your pregnancy is going well!

 

[Livveywills]

Thank you both for your kind words, my worry about sectioning is that it could be one of 3 hospitals which are up to an hour and a half away how would I get there, we have 4 kids plus the pregnancy plus I'm still at work, they have put her on the waiting list for the one dementia nursing home in our area I've been told now, but again if nothing comes up there soon it'll be miles away.

This has been a tough pregnamcy nearly lost the baby at 15 weeks and had a big internal bleed for 2 months after that , recovered now and the baby is fine but it's just one thing after another. Add that to this child never knowing its gramdma , life is really poop sometimes.

 

[southlucia]

Hi Livvy

I'm so sorry to read about your mum's situation. This is almost a carbon copy of what I experienced with my dad almost 4 years ago. He was very violent and it was very difficult for the carers to manage him. My dad developed a terrible neck drop after being put on Risperidone. His spine started to distort and his head dropped lower and lower until he was unable to look up at all. It was so distressing to witness. Dad was sectioned, and although they initially increased the dose of Risperidone (?), they then realised Dad was reacting badly to it. He was then put on Quetiapine, and the change was very evident. He still had some violent outbursts, but not as many.

Dad is now at a very advanced stage. He still has the evidence of a twisted spine, and his neck has never fully straightened; but it's so much better than it was. Back then, I honestly thought that his days were numbered, but he's still with us; at least in body.

 

[jorgieporgie]

Hi Livvy, I have just read your post and had to send my thoughts to you, it was really heart breaking reading this. Your poor Mum you wonder ho long they have to endure this hatred illness and how long Families have to watch it distruct their loved ones.
You must take care of yourself now and look forward to a new life coming to your family.
Nothing I can say to ease your grief, just that there will be light at the end and your Mum will find peace. Big Hugs xx

 

[MagD]

Morning Livvey. I read your post this morning and just had to express my support for what you are going through. My mum is not yet at as advanced a stage as yours and there are many times where I have felt it would be more humane for her to go suddenly with a heart attack or stroke etc. So don't beat yourself up for feeling the way you do, it is only because you love your mother and don't want to see her suffering.

As others have said maybe it would be best to have her sectioned so that proper medication can be prescribed to give her some peace from her torment and you really need to look after yourself, your children and your unborn baby. I know it is hard to do when you are actually grieving for your mother but you need to think of your future and what you have to look forward to. Sending you love and big hugs. Keep posting and let us know how things go, there are lots of people on here who can help and support you. They do for me whenever I need it.

 

[Red66]

Livveywills I am so sorry to hear your heartbreaking story. Your Mum will be better off in a mental health unit so that they can work out the right medications for her. My dad was sectioned in November and went into a nursing home in May . They took a long time to try find the right meds and i still didn't believe they got it right in the end but he was so violent he often ended up in seclusion. However the meds he was given (quetiapine in the end after many trials of different drugs) took away the use of his legs and he quickly became bedbound and therefore incontinent. The Consultant said he is either calm and loses the use of his legs or basically (in my words but she said something similar) a wild caged animal. Such a wicked disease. You a blessed to have a new baby inside you, and as a mother myself I am certain that your mum would want you to take care of yourself and to focus directly on your own little family. Sadly if your mum is an hour and half away so be it, she will be in the best possible place to find some sort of solution. There isn't an answer to all this, not like you can pop a pill for pain, but there are tablets to calm your mum down, but then it's a fine balance of not being sedated. I wish you well with this, sadly there are no answers. Red xx

 

[Lets_Stop_Time]

Hi, Mother in law went through a violent stage and then it stopped. She to was a non violent person and I know she would be horrified to know she had acted this way. She did the flopping/bending strange ways to she often fell out of her chair or bed. The care home put padding around her to help.
I hope maybe for you its a phase for you to, but I know its different for everybody.
I also understand how things are hard when your pregnant and this is all going on. Even with a huge belly MIL had no idea there was another grandchild due, so sad she wont truly know this one.

 

[Aisling]

Haven't posted on here for a few months, mum has vascular dementia - we made the decision to move her into a care home which went really well after months of worry and mum not wanting this to ever happen to her and all the resulting guilt that went alongside. Perfect timing as a few weeks later I discovered I was pregnant and also mum had another series of TIA's and became doubly incontinent - all this may just have broken us had mum not been in the lovely care home.

It's been 5 month now and the care home can't cope any longer, mum is violent I just had a call today to say she has been attacking both staff and residents again. The doctor has prescribed antibiotics today in case of a UTI - no one can get a sample from her, personal care is almost impossible for the home on most days, on Sunday she was covered in faeces and two staff wrapped her into a blanket while two others cleaned the best they could. There is a sedative prescribed for use as and when but inspite of an increased dose it doesn't seem to be helping.

When I saw mum yesterday she couldn't balance on her own, her hunch and head hanging which has increased over the past month was at the point where she couldn't look up to see us and we had to hold both her arms to help her balance enough to walk at all. Today they've told me she is even further over literally hanging her head between her knees, the doctors have told the care home that dementia sufferers often return to the fetal positon - this might not matter if they could get mum to lie in a bed but she won't so is hanging in a chair starting to fall off of it and hitting anyone who comes near to try to stop her falling.

We had a social service review a couple of weeks ago as the home said they couldn't cope, there was a medication change then and the home were asked to cope for a few more weeks while they saw if the medication helped. Clearly it hasn't and when they called social services today they were told the social worker was going on leave for the next 2 1/2 weeks and would start to look into a nursing home or something else when she returns. The care home manager managed to get a new antipsycotic prescribed today - she said if that doesn't change anything she is really concerned that there might be an incident which is too severe and then they'd have to ask fo rmum to be removed straight away to the locked mental health unit at our hospital - where she could be properly sedated.

I'm so heart broken it has come to this, that these lovely staff are trapped with my mum hitting out at them and doing what she is doing, that the other residents are suffering and that my mum who was gentle dignified and would never have done anything like this, stripped of every dignity, with no element of life to enjoy. Just keep asking myself when it will all end, how much more does she have to suffer, I wish she could just slip away now. As I write that it seems the worst thing to write about my mother, but what has she got left, how many months of being scared and angry and hitting out at anyone who tries to help her has she got to go through. i can't remember the last time she really had any pleasure in even a momment.

There is no win here for anyone, the kids are grieving my mum is lost inside the emptiness of her mind it's all so heartbreakingly desperatley sad

Am bumping up your post so TP with more experience than I have will notice and reply. I think your Mum may need more care in the health unit. This is difficult for you but I am sure you will do the right thing for your Mum. You must also think about yourself.

Virtual hugs,

Aisling xx