Hi everyone,
Red, as Amy has said, I'm another Bizarrite that appreciates your perspective on things - so thank you for still popping in xxxx The holiday is a no-go, I'm afraid - the last 3 years of my being unable to earn very much has wiped out any savings, and especially the last few weeks or so, when even the paltry carer's allowance has now stopped, has made things like a 'proper' holiday an impossibility for the foreseeable future - we have said that if we can get straight, perhaps this time next year we will look at a week away somewhere. But for now, the best we can do is odd weekends away in Old Red - and I do enjoy those, so I am not moaning x
Bagpuss77j - I saw that you had edited to say you had posted here in error, but I just wanted to send you {{{{{{hugs}}}}} - coping with incontinence is an awfully hard thing to do, and something a lot of carers are totally unprepared for. Many posts I've seen on TP are from carers who have found incontinece to be the last straw and something that they have found impossible to deal with, so please don't think you are alone in struggling with that aspect of care. I had done care work for years, and to a large extent was able to take it in my stride - however, there were times, when Mil had a tummy upset for example, where I also found it pushed me to my limits too. I really hope that you have the support of a decent continence service - you need to talk to someone in that field to find out if there are any pads/pull ups that they can provide that might help with the issue. And of course, speak to your Mum's GP, because constant 'pooing' needs to be checked out medically, in case there is a reason for it that can be treated. I really hope you can get some help with this, and soon xxxxx
Grace, I'll echo Slugsta's comment and say I hope you are getting reimbursed for the shopping money for Mil? Once again, your Sil's sheer cheek and 'me, me, me' attitude leaves me gobsmacked! I too hope that your Mil hasn't coughed up cash she can ill-afford - but I also want to say that if she does, then Hun - it isn't your problem to solve! At the moment especially, you really need to be concentrating just on getting yourself through the op, and your recovery xxxx
Annbythesea - thanks - I haven't heard of that book, but will check to see if I can get it on my kindle, or find a hard copy I can order on-line xxx
Slugsta, I am totally disgusted (but somehow, not surprised) at the situation with your Mum's care package. Utterly, totally wrong
Like you, I honestly don't see how 'respite' would help. Its at this point, in your circumstances, that with a sinking heart (and if I could summon up the energy) I would be starting to make an awful lot of noise, going over the SW's head, to councillors, to MP's, even the press, basically kicking up a lot of fuss. Here, I know that SS offer contracts to a few specific agencies, tending to stick with one agency for 'Social care', and another for 'home care', for example. When I had some major concerns about an agency that supported Mil for a short while, I got told that if I 'refused' to have them provide care, then there wasn't anyone else - which basically meant that they had tied themselves in to using just the one agency, because I know that there are dozens and dozens operating in this area. I approached it that they had a 'duty of care' to give contracts to an agency that could adequately meet the needs of the service users in the area, and that if the agency they had chosen couldn't, then they had an obligation to sort it out - asap. In our case, a change in DC provision wiped out the need for the agency anyway - but not before I had got them at least agreeing to look at getting another agency on their books. Glad the kitty's are at least tolerating each other - fingers crossed that they move onto being 'friends' - but if not, at least there is no all out war and things are peaceful
JM - that sounds like an incredibly 'hectic' holiday! Lol - you must have come back more exhausted than before you went - though, its obvious you enjoyed it too, and that probably wipes out any tiredness
I'm with you on the 'running on empty', Amy. That's a pretty accurate way of describing some of how I feel - I've said a few times lately that tackling even just the basics around the house makes me feel as though I'm 'wading through treacle' - so much more effort needed than usual to just get through and do even the routine, every day 'jobs' that I used to fly through. And feeling totally useless and negative - constantly wondering how I am going to manage to carry out this new job, when even tackling the ironing is currently taking a herculean effort. And all I can focus on is going over and over the last 3 years, constantly questioning what I did and if I did right, regretting some of what I did (or didn't) do, feeling both bitter and angry at times - when I should be focusing on the future and getting my head wrapped around starting this new chapter. Even though Mil isn't living here now, she and her care is still the main thing I think about, it still feels like its dominating eveything, still my main topic of converation when I chat with my mates - I wonder if I have anything left to offer, to contribute, when so much of me is still caught up in the last 3 years and in thinking about what happens to her now? I need to move on, and don't know how, I guess. The GP appointment has been made for tomorrow - not exactly sure what I should say to him or how to explain how I feel, never mind what he could possibly do to help even if I can make sense when I go - it seems mad that I should feel so 'bleurgh' only now that the 24/7 care is actually over
I've read a lot of the same posts as you, Slugsta, about family bringing their L.O.'s home for Christmas - I saw it worked for some, but not for a lot of others. I guess its us, as carer's, that have to get our heads round accepting that doing what seems to be the 'proper' and 'kind' and 'right' thing actually may not be the 'best' thing for our L.O's. Even with the evidence right in front of me, even when Mil's behaviour shows clearly that she has had enough, that she just can't cope with prolonged visits at the moment, I still feel awfully guilty when we leave after just 30 minutes, sometimes less. On one level, having decided already that we won't be attempting to bring Mil 'home' for Christmas day seems almost cruel and even selfish. On the other, we all know with 100% certainty, that bringing her here will cause her anxiety and stress, probably confuse her and make her unhappy, will impact on her behaviour and will also make Christmas day not very nice for the rest of us. Writing it down makes sense - thinking about it is not so clear cut!
Didn't go to see Mil yesterday - hadn't slept at all well on Sunday night, and yesterday afternoon I felt so drained that I headed to bed for 3 hours. OH was supposed to go visit her whilst I was sleeping - but didn't 'feel up to it'. Not pleased, because now I feel that I must go today, if only to sort any laundry - and I'll have to fit it in around the shock wave therapy, which left me very uncomfortable last week and I dread the thought of walking from one end of the hospital to the other, in order to fit in both the treatment and a visit to Mil. Youngest is off to her big sisters for the weekend, and OH has announced that it would be 'lovely' if just he and I go off in Old Red for a couple of nights too - and it would be, but that means (to me) that one of us at least should really visit as much as possible this week, if we are not going to see Mil at the weekend. He is on a run of 3 shifts from this evening, so I know he won't be able to go - which means I'll have to do it. And again, its not that I don't want to see her - I actually feel better on the days when I do visit, in an odd way - but its just that even the current half hour visits really throw out the rest of the day.
I'm going to put in another hour on the wedding editing now, then shower, a bit of housework, then off for my appointment and Mils visit (hopefully - there is a good chance that even if I get to the hospital an hour or so early, I may not find a parking space - seeing and hearing an increasing numeber of complaints about people being unable to attend appointments or visit simply because ther eis nowhere to park!). Then back here, sort tea, try and tackle the ironing mountain!
Take care all, and hope you have a good day xxxx