Hi
It's my first time posting. I'm very stressed and at breaking point quite frankly and just need advice I guess. I'm sorry this is so long, but I don't know who to turn to and I just need people to understand.
A bit of background. My mum started showing the first symptoms of dementia at 59, got the official diagnosis at from the doctor at 62/63 (like getting blood from a stone). She's now 67. Her partner has cared for her at home all this time and done a sterling job. I live 160 miles away from them and have done since 2010. I've visited for a weekend every 3-4 weeks throughout all this time (I’m lucky enough that my workplace allows we to work full-time but 5 days over 4, which means I can go visit my mum Friday to Sunday so I'm there for longer). I've also skyped them every week for the last 3 years, so mum can see me and just to check up on them.
Anyway, at the beginning of the year I started getting concerned about my mum's partner's ability to look after her. We've coped with her decline gradually over the years, just adapting as you do, but she just got a little worse at the start of this year and I was particularly concerned about her hygiene as she started to have little accidents, and I thought this was the start of her becoming incontinent. Her partner was insistent on keeping her at home so I started going up every fortnight. Every visit is not just a pop-in-how-are-you kind of thing. I stay with them, clean the house throughout, bath mum, do her hair, take them out etc etc. I'm also mum's financial deputy so there's a lot of sorting receipts and shopping for the things she needs.
As a side note, my mum's family (her sister, niece and her other daughter, live a few streets away from her all in the same village, just a 5-minute walk. Sadly, they've had nothing to do with my mum for the last 5 years because they absolutely cannot stand my mum's partner. This time last year we fell out because I told them the truth, that their behaviour is disgusting. Long story and much more to it, but it resulted in them starting to take mum out for an hour once a week. It's not been consistent, sporadic at best, but it's something, it benefited mum and gave her partner a little break. I've been ostracised by them but it's worth the sacrifice for the benefit it brought mum). So in a nut-shell we cannot rely on them for help.
Anyway, mum has been getting gradually worse over the years, but on the whole she was ok. We've always been able to make her healthy, keep her entertained and happy (and I can make her scream with laughter by simply blowing raspberries on her neck, smothering her with kisses or dancing/singing stupidly to her favourite songs) and while she's not been able to say more than 2-3 words at a time and can go weeks between saying those few words, I was always able to understand her body language and gestures as to what she wanted. Interestingly, throughout all of this she's always slept for England. If she gets less than 12 hours she has a bad day the next day. She can sleep up to 16 hours a night and we've always been of the opinion that it must be what she needs, so we let her have it, we don't drag her up out of bed at 9am just because it's the socially accepted thing to do.
In mid-June this all changed drastically. Mum went on a sudden nose-dive decline. Massive problems with incontinence. Terrible and constant anxiety. Not recognising me most of the time. And wandering, not only around the house as if looking for something, but leaving the house and going down the street (something she's never done). And worst of all she stopped sleeping. This is what broke her partner in the end. Sleeping tablets prescribed by the dementia nurse had no effect. Mum was just constantly wandering in and out of the bedroom and trying to wake her partner up, taking the covers away, poking him. Because he got no sleep he became unable to care for her, or function in general, and we were suddenly in a position where we had to put her in residential care. Quickly.
I've been coming to see them now every weekend for the last 3 months. At first to find suitable homes, and since finding one moving her in and then going each week so help settle her (not to mention support her partner for who the bottom has dropped out of his world - suddenly completely alone).
She’s been getting worse and worse since going in the home. Not sure if it's part of the decline she was already on, or if I've made it worse by moving her.
Anyway, she's become what they call a 'walker'. She never stops or sits down. As a result, just after her first week her legs were red and swollen. Her lower legs rock hard and her skin scaling. The home told me that this is because she won't sit down and put her feet up. Her feet stink. Her sleeplessness has continued and the most sleep she's had in one go has been 4 hours. And that's rare. Most of the time when they finally get her to sleep she's up an hour later and then wanders through the night. And the anxiety is worse, she walks around looking terrified and stressed. Her feet now have the most horrific sores on them from blisters as a result of the wandering. She's been on antibiotics for an infection in them too.
They increased her sleeping tablets (can't remember the name) in dosage and frequency and it's done nothing. Last week she was prescribed a new dementia drug, memantine hydrochloride, with the hopes it will address this constant anxiety that's driving her.
Last Sunday after getting home I received a call from the home saying they were really worried, she looked really distressed and spaced out, more than usual, she was walking into things and stumbling around. They were also concerned with the feet sores and her legs and suspected diabetes so had arranged for a blood test the next day.
They thought she was over-medicated so have taken away the sleeping tablets. During the week she was also prescribed another drug for anxiety to be given on an ad-hoc basis.
I arrived on Friday and they told me that she was in a real state. She's worse now than when she was on the sleeping tablets. She's now unsteady on her feet, though she still won't rest and has become a 'fall risk'. They said she looks like something from "the living dead". They told me that just before I arrived she’d just been found 'sleeping' on the floor. It's clearly not the sleeping tablets as they are out of her system. They suspect she is literally so tired from lack of sleep that she can't stand up. Yet her body won't stop moving. Or perhaps her mind won't stop moving her physically exhausted body.
My mum's partner and I spent 4 hours on Friday wandering around with her, trying to get her to rest. She sees a chair, sits in it and 10 seconds later she is off. She's young and fit and bloody strong and you can't force her. She holds on to your hand so tight it's painful and drags you around the corridors. We kept taking her into her room. She'd lay down and be straight back up. Up and down, up and down. Every now and then I could get her to close her eyes and she'd nod off by stroking her hair and face (something that's always been a sure-fire way to relax her) but it's for no more than 5 minutes at the very most. And she then sits bolt up-right, frightened, anxious and then she's off. And she does look like a zombie. She's staring, hardly blinking, not making any kind of eye contact with anything. Staring freakily up to the ceiling, her arms still held upright, wanting to hold someone’s hand even when laid down. Several times over the weekend I've been able to get her to nod off for a few minutes by physically closing her eyes, like you see people do to dead people in the movies. This is the most distressing thing I've ever seen. To see your mum in this state. This will haunt me to the end of my days. I’m not actually sure how my mum is still alive through all this sleep deprivation.
Several times on Friday walking around she started to collapse and we had to drag her into a chair. If she'd have been on her own she'd have fallen straight over. We had to spoon feed her on Friday. She's never needed help with food but she just wouldn't/couldn't do it. The staff were busy spoon feeding other people and I assume they let us struggle with mum simply because we were actually there. Had we not been there, I assume they would have tried to get my mum to eat, but they seemed quite happy to let her just keep wandering off having not eaten anything. In one of the sitting rooms at one point she started to collapse, I shouted out as I was trying to steady her and get her to a chair, and one of the staff just sat there and never lifted a finger to help, she just carried on filling out her paperwork.
When we arrived on Saturday they told us she fell 6 times after we left the day before, another 2 times in the night and four times in the morning. She's covered in cuts and bruises (all over her body), a new cut on her face had appeared and a massive bruise on her hand/arm on Saturday morning. The staff's words were "we are seriously concerned for her safety, but we don't know what to do with her. We are out of ideas"
Turns out they've not given her any medication for a week and have refused to give her the new anxiety tablet because no one is willing to take the risk of giving medication that has a side effect of making someone drowsy and prone to falling to an already prone-to-falling patient. I asked them to call a doctor. They didn't think anyone would come. They called out-of-hours social care who told them to give her the medication and 1-2-1 her. The staff said they literally don't have the staff to 1-2-1 my mum. Eventually a doctor came, examined my mum and his only advice was that the staff must trial the new drug and we'll adjust the dose accordingly. He seemed annoyed at their refusal to give the drug.
I asked the doctor what, if like the sleeping tablets, it has absolutely no effect. I got a very hazy answer of we'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it.
The care home said it was amazing that the out of hours’ doctor came at all. The last few weekends they've refused to come. They just say give tablets and watch her. It's almost as if my mum has to fall and have a major accident BEFORE something is done to help.
I’m like surely there is something they can give to actually knock her out so she rests and her body can catch up? If she falls and breaks her hip and needs 6 weeks of bed rest how are they going to do that? Keep her tranquilised and unconscious?
I've asked the staff what else I can do, if anything. They have no ideas. They are so worried for her safety and that she might fall and "smash her face in" (actual words used) but don't have anyone to watch her all the time. I've asked if they have contact details for external companies where we can pay for an additional person to come in and 1-2-1 mum. They said "not really". All I get is "we're out of ideas".
Again all 4 hours of our Saturday visit were spent trying to get her to sleep and rest. Whenever dinner times comes, they guide everyone into the 3 dining rooms and wheel those in wheel chairs in. No one comes for my mum; they continue to let her wander. But I don't know if it's because we are there and they expect us to bring her in. When we are not there do they go find her? I assume so. Staff very off-handily comment that "she wanders in and sometimes sits down, we just let her wander" I'm now concerned she's not eating and drinking properly. Yesterday dinner time we couldn't get her to eat a single thing. I’m hoping they got something down her in the evening.
Mum has been there 5 weeks now. Next week is her 6-week review where they decide if she can become a permanent resident. When she first had her assessment and went in they said they would never take someone in the first place if they thought there was a chance of them not passing their 6-week review. They also said the only reasons for not passing a review are 1. if the family is not happy with the level of care and 2. if the patient suddenly declines to a state where they can no longer meet their care levels. To be honest both of those boxes have been ticked. I feel as if they are telling me they cannot cope with mum or look after her. I feel like they are asking me for advice on what to do. And I'm stumped too. The reason I took her to the care home in the first place was because we could no longer cope and I thought it was time to take her into the care of the ‘experts’.
I asked two of the deputy managers if this means mum could fail her review. One gave a very hazy 'not sure' answer. The other said Yes. Then immediately realised what she said, back tracked and said "we just need to try concentrate on getting her through this week". I asked if they had information, contacts and support on where I could take my mum if she failed her review, because we cannot take her back home. Again the answer was a hazy "we don't know".
I'm not happy that they are so short staffed, they that don't seem to be able to even provide suggestions/solutions such as when I say ‘can you get someone external in, I’ll sort the payment no worries’. I'm also concerned about hygiene. Many times I've arrived and she's soiled herself and smells (she wears incontinence pants) I've had to run around trying to find a member of staff to help me change my mum and get a key to her room to get clean clothing. Often I've found 3-4 of them sat in the office (apparently doing nothing - I know that's just how it appears, I know they are rushed off their feet and also entitled to breaks). But how long until my mum had been discovered and changed?
This week I found her teeth on her basin in her room all caked up and dried with food. Apparently they took them out the night before. I was thinking why didn't someone clean them at the time? Why didn't someone put them back in this morning when she got up? I went to clean them and discovered her tooth brush is still brand new! I sent her in there with a brand new tooth brush, but it was clear it hadn't been used. Her tooth paste had not been used once either. They must be going for the steradent/tooth bath option I thought. I opened up the tube of steradent and one, perhaps two tablets have been used at most.
I know it's not easy to get a dementia patient to remove their teeth to clean them every day, I've struggled with this myself, but to have not had her teeth brushed once in 5 weeks is terrible. Short staffed or not, what am I paying £550 a week for if they are not making sure she's eating, has clean pants or has her teeth brushed.
They've asked if we can go in and 'sit with her' every day over the weekend, which is what we do anyway. I know they are short staffed, but the reason we took her in was because we can't do it anymore. I'm paying all this money to them and having to actually provide the staff too in the sense of myself. I and my mum's partner both have a bad back. And holding my mum up all weekend has already set us both off. Yesterday evening he was in so much pain he got on the floor and asked me to walk on his back, just to put it back into place. This is ridiculous.
I will be looking for other places in the coming weeks regardless, but my problem remains: If these guys can't look after her, not only from lack of staffing but because they just don't know what to do with her any more, will other care homes be able to handle her?
While I'm not happy with the level of care there, will it be the same everywhere else? After 5 weeks they know my mum and the state she's in. Is it fair to move mum again when she's in such bad shape? Would another care provider be in a place to help more than people who know her situation? Would we start again from square one with trying sleeping tablets etc at a new home? Should I move her now or wait until they’ve (hopefully) sorted her physical problem? Will another move do more damage right now?
Surely my mum is not the only dementia patient in the world an extreme as this?
Has anyone else ever had a loved one this ill? Or been in this situation with a care home not knowing what to do? Whilst I’m thinking of looking for other homes, it’s still terrifying to feel that next week they may kick my mum out effectively. And I know it won’t be literally a case of them putting her out on the street, but when even the experts can’t offer help and advice on where to go next, what do I do?
I'm so sorry, and thank you to anyone who got this far.
It's my first time posting. I'm very stressed and at breaking point quite frankly and just need advice I guess. I'm sorry this is so long, but I don't know who to turn to and I just need people to understand.
A bit of background. My mum started showing the first symptoms of dementia at 59, got the official diagnosis at from the doctor at 62/63 (like getting blood from a stone). She's now 67. Her partner has cared for her at home all this time and done a sterling job. I live 160 miles away from them and have done since 2010. I've visited for a weekend every 3-4 weeks throughout all this time (I’m lucky enough that my workplace allows we to work full-time but 5 days over 4, which means I can go visit my mum Friday to Sunday so I'm there for longer). I've also skyped them every week for the last 3 years, so mum can see me and just to check up on them.
Anyway, at the beginning of the year I started getting concerned about my mum's partner's ability to look after her. We've coped with her decline gradually over the years, just adapting as you do, but she just got a little worse at the start of this year and I was particularly concerned about her hygiene as she started to have little accidents, and I thought this was the start of her becoming incontinent. Her partner was insistent on keeping her at home so I started going up every fortnight. Every visit is not just a pop-in-how-are-you kind of thing. I stay with them, clean the house throughout, bath mum, do her hair, take them out etc etc. I'm also mum's financial deputy so there's a lot of sorting receipts and shopping for the things she needs.
As a side note, my mum's family (her sister, niece and her other daughter, live a few streets away from her all in the same village, just a 5-minute walk. Sadly, they've had nothing to do with my mum for the last 5 years because they absolutely cannot stand my mum's partner. This time last year we fell out because I told them the truth, that their behaviour is disgusting. Long story and much more to it, but it resulted in them starting to take mum out for an hour once a week. It's not been consistent, sporadic at best, but it's something, it benefited mum and gave her partner a little break. I've been ostracised by them but it's worth the sacrifice for the benefit it brought mum). So in a nut-shell we cannot rely on them for help.
Anyway, mum has been getting gradually worse over the years, but on the whole she was ok. We've always been able to make her healthy, keep her entertained and happy (and I can make her scream with laughter by simply blowing raspberries on her neck, smothering her with kisses or dancing/singing stupidly to her favourite songs) and while she's not been able to say more than 2-3 words at a time and can go weeks between saying those few words, I was always able to understand her body language and gestures as to what she wanted. Interestingly, throughout all of this she's always slept for England. If she gets less than 12 hours she has a bad day the next day. She can sleep up to 16 hours a night and we've always been of the opinion that it must be what she needs, so we let her have it, we don't drag her up out of bed at 9am just because it's the socially accepted thing to do.
In mid-June this all changed drastically. Mum went on a sudden nose-dive decline. Massive problems with incontinence. Terrible and constant anxiety. Not recognising me most of the time. And wandering, not only around the house as if looking for something, but leaving the house and going down the street (something she's never done). And worst of all she stopped sleeping. This is what broke her partner in the end. Sleeping tablets prescribed by the dementia nurse had no effect. Mum was just constantly wandering in and out of the bedroom and trying to wake her partner up, taking the covers away, poking him. Because he got no sleep he became unable to care for her, or function in general, and we were suddenly in a position where we had to put her in residential care. Quickly.
I've been coming to see them now every weekend for the last 3 months. At first to find suitable homes, and since finding one moving her in and then going each week so help settle her (not to mention support her partner for who the bottom has dropped out of his world - suddenly completely alone).
She’s been getting worse and worse since going in the home. Not sure if it's part of the decline she was already on, or if I've made it worse by moving her.
Anyway, she's become what they call a 'walker'. She never stops or sits down. As a result, just after her first week her legs were red and swollen. Her lower legs rock hard and her skin scaling. The home told me that this is because she won't sit down and put her feet up. Her feet stink. Her sleeplessness has continued and the most sleep she's had in one go has been 4 hours. And that's rare. Most of the time when they finally get her to sleep she's up an hour later and then wanders through the night. And the anxiety is worse, she walks around looking terrified and stressed. Her feet now have the most horrific sores on them from blisters as a result of the wandering. She's been on antibiotics for an infection in them too.
They increased her sleeping tablets (can't remember the name) in dosage and frequency and it's done nothing. Last week she was prescribed a new dementia drug, memantine hydrochloride, with the hopes it will address this constant anxiety that's driving her.
Last Sunday after getting home I received a call from the home saying they were really worried, she looked really distressed and spaced out, more than usual, she was walking into things and stumbling around. They were also concerned with the feet sores and her legs and suspected diabetes so had arranged for a blood test the next day.
They thought she was over-medicated so have taken away the sleeping tablets. During the week she was also prescribed another drug for anxiety to be given on an ad-hoc basis.
I arrived on Friday and they told me that she was in a real state. She's worse now than when she was on the sleeping tablets. She's now unsteady on her feet, though she still won't rest and has become a 'fall risk'. They said she looks like something from "the living dead". They told me that just before I arrived she’d just been found 'sleeping' on the floor. It's clearly not the sleeping tablets as they are out of her system. They suspect she is literally so tired from lack of sleep that she can't stand up. Yet her body won't stop moving. Or perhaps her mind won't stop moving her physically exhausted body.
My mum's partner and I spent 4 hours on Friday wandering around with her, trying to get her to rest. She sees a chair, sits in it and 10 seconds later she is off. She's young and fit and bloody strong and you can't force her. She holds on to your hand so tight it's painful and drags you around the corridors. We kept taking her into her room. She'd lay down and be straight back up. Up and down, up and down. Every now and then I could get her to close her eyes and she'd nod off by stroking her hair and face (something that's always been a sure-fire way to relax her) but it's for no more than 5 minutes at the very most. And she then sits bolt up-right, frightened, anxious and then she's off. And she does look like a zombie. She's staring, hardly blinking, not making any kind of eye contact with anything. Staring freakily up to the ceiling, her arms still held upright, wanting to hold someone’s hand even when laid down. Several times over the weekend I've been able to get her to nod off for a few minutes by physically closing her eyes, like you see people do to dead people in the movies. This is the most distressing thing I've ever seen. To see your mum in this state. This will haunt me to the end of my days. I’m not actually sure how my mum is still alive through all this sleep deprivation.
Several times on Friday walking around she started to collapse and we had to drag her into a chair. If she'd have been on her own she'd have fallen straight over. We had to spoon feed her on Friday. She's never needed help with food but she just wouldn't/couldn't do it. The staff were busy spoon feeding other people and I assume they let us struggle with mum simply because we were actually there. Had we not been there, I assume they would have tried to get my mum to eat, but they seemed quite happy to let her just keep wandering off having not eaten anything. In one of the sitting rooms at one point she started to collapse, I shouted out as I was trying to steady her and get her to a chair, and one of the staff just sat there and never lifted a finger to help, she just carried on filling out her paperwork.
When we arrived on Saturday they told us she fell 6 times after we left the day before, another 2 times in the night and four times in the morning. She's covered in cuts and bruises (all over her body), a new cut on her face had appeared and a massive bruise on her hand/arm on Saturday morning. The staff's words were "we are seriously concerned for her safety, but we don't know what to do with her. We are out of ideas"
Turns out they've not given her any medication for a week and have refused to give her the new anxiety tablet because no one is willing to take the risk of giving medication that has a side effect of making someone drowsy and prone to falling to an already prone-to-falling patient. I asked them to call a doctor. They didn't think anyone would come. They called out-of-hours social care who told them to give her the medication and 1-2-1 her. The staff said they literally don't have the staff to 1-2-1 my mum. Eventually a doctor came, examined my mum and his only advice was that the staff must trial the new drug and we'll adjust the dose accordingly. He seemed annoyed at their refusal to give the drug.
I asked the doctor what, if like the sleeping tablets, it has absolutely no effect. I got a very hazy answer of we'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it.
The care home said it was amazing that the out of hours’ doctor came at all. The last few weekends they've refused to come. They just say give tablets and watch her. It's almost as if my mum has to fall and have a major accident BEFORE something is done to help.
I’m like surely there is something they can give to actually knock her out so she rests and her body can catch up? If she falls and breaks her hip and needs 6 weeks of bed rest how are they going to do that? Keep her tranquilised and unconscious?
I've asked the staff what else I can do, if anything. They have no ideas. They are so worried for her safety and that she might fall and "smash her face in" (actual words used) but don't have anyone to watch her all the time. I've asked if they have contact details for external companies where we can pay for an additional person to come in and 1-2-1 mum. They said "not really". All I get is "we're out of ideas".
Again all 4 hours of our Saturday visit were spent trying to get her to sleep and rest. Whenever dinner times comes, they guide everyone into the 3 dining rooms and wheel those in wheel chairs in. No one comes for my mum; they continue to let her wander. But I don't know if it's because we are there and they expect us to bring her in. When we are not there do they go find her? I assume so. Staff very off-handily comment that "she wanders in and sometimes sits down, we just let her wander" I'm now concerned she's not eating and drinking properly. Yesterday dinner time we couldn't get her to eat a single thing. I’m hoping they got something down her in the evening.
Mum has been there 5 weeks now. Next week is her 6-week review where they decide if she can become a permanent resident. When she first had her assessment and went in they said they would never take someone in the first place if they thought there was a chance of them not passing their 6-week review. They also said the only reasons for not passing a review are 1. if the family is not happy with the level of care and 2. if the patient suddenly declines to a state where they can no longer meet their care levels. To be honest both of those boxes have been ticked. I feel as if they are telling me they cannot cope with mum or look after her. I feel like they are asking me for advice on what to do. And I'm stumped too. The reason I took her to the care home in the first place was because we could no longer cope and I thought it was time to take her into the care of the ‘experts’.
I asked two of the deputy managers if this means mum could fail her review. One gave a very hazy 'not sure' answer. The other said Yes. Then immediately realised what she said, back tracked and said "we just need to try concentrate on getting her through this week". I asked if they had information, contacts and support on where I could take my mum if she failed her review, because we cannot take her back home. Again the answer was a hazy "we don't know".
I'm not happy that they are so short staffed, they that don't seem to be able to even provide suggestions/solutions such as when I say ‘can you get someone external in, I’ll sort the payment no worries’. I'm also concerned about hygiene. Many times I've arrived and she's soiled herself and smells (she wears incontinence pants) I've had to run around trying to find a member of staff to help me change my mum and get a key to her room to get clean clothing. Often I've found 3-4 of them sat in the office (apparently doing nothing - I know that's just how it appears, I know they are rushed off their feet and also entitled to breaks). But how long until my mum had been discovered and changed?
This week I found her teeth on her basin in her room all caked up and dried with food. Apparently they took them out the night before. I was thinking why didn't someone clean them at the time? Why didn't someone put them back in this morning when she got up? I went to clean them and discovered her tooth brush is still brand new! I sent her in there with a brand new tooth brush, but it was clear it hadn't been used. Her tooth paste had not been used once either. They must be going for the steradent/tooth bath option I thought. I opened up the tube of steradent and one, perhaps two tablets have been used at most.
I know it's not easy to get a dementia patient to remove their teeth to clean them every day, I've struggled with this myself, but to have not had her teeth brushed once in 5 weeks is terrible. Short staffed or not, what am I paying £550 a week for if they are not making sure she's eating, has clean pants or has her teeth brushed.
They've asked if we can go in and 'sit with her' every day over the weekend, which is what we do anyway. I know they are short staffed, but the reason we took her in was because we can't do it anymore. I'm paying all this money to them and having to actually provide the staff too in the sense of myself. I and my mum's partner both have a bad back. And holding my mum up all weekend has already set us both off. Yesterday evening he was in so much pain he got on the floor and asked me to walk on his back, just to put it back into place. This is ridiculous.
I will be looking for other places in the coming weeks regardless, but my problem remains: If these guys can't look after her, not only from lack of staffing but because they just don't know what to do with her any more, will other care homes be able to handle her?
While I'm not happy with the level of care there, will it be the same everywhere else? After 5 weeks they know my mum and the state she's in. Is it fair to move mum again when she's in such bad shape? Would another care provider be in a place to help more than people who know her situation? Would we start again from square one with trying sleeping tablets etc at a new home? Should I move her now or wait until they’ve (hopefully) sorted her physical problem? Will another move do more damage right now?
Surely my mum is not the only dementia patient in the world an extreme as this?
Has anyone else ever had a loved one this ill? Or been in this situation with a care home not knowing what to do? Whilst I’m thinking of looking for other homes, it’s still terrifying to feel that next week they may kick my mum out effectively. And I know it won’t be literally a case of them putting her out on the street, but when even the experts can’t offer help and advice on where to go next, what do I do?
I'm so sorry, and thank you to anyone who got this far.