The loveliest carer at mum's NH made me cry

[Shabba]

Feel a bit silly but the floodgates opened this evening, think I have been being a bit brave for weeks although tears are never far from the surface, mum's been in NH 3mths and so far (fingers crossed it continues) I've been more than happy with the care mum gets (late stage VD/AD, age 80). The first few weeks I cried my eyes out every time I left her (I go every day) but then somehow consciously kept them at bay because I KNEW deep down I had done the very best I could for her. The guilt monster's still clinging on my shoulder by its claws and the crying I've done for months and months had literally exhausted me (don't mean to sound drama queen, I'm sure you know what I mean)
So this evening one of my favourite carers wheeled mum to her room to get her ready for bed but mum needs 2 to wash/dress/undress and hoist, so I sat in chair chatting while carer said she just needed to go get another to help her. Mum, bless her, looked at me and said she wanted me to help J the carer. J said (rightly, I've learned to stand back a bit now mum's in NH, but its oh so hard) "oh no she can't help, she's not trained". It was in no way meant to hurt me of course, but I felt my eyes prickle and I just replied "oh I've only done it for 3yrs when I looked after mum at home, on my own, 24/7, no breaks, never had any help". And I had to go and walked home crying my eyes out! Maybe it was good to let the tears flow, I think they have been backing up for some weeks! But J is actually an angel, and I know there's no way she would have meant to upset me, but isn't it funny how the smallest remark can set you off! And sitting here now I can kind of laugh at the irony of it - "not trained" - haha

 

[spinningplates]

She meant "not insured", and hopefully will say that next time. Or perhaps "semi retired and off duty for this bit!" I have great admiration for you and all the other carers who learned "on the job" when it's a job they never wanted, didn't get paid for, didn't get any training for and still became the leading expert on how best to care for their loved one, then did the job until it became impossible. Kudos to you and all other graduates of the Carer's School of Hard Knocks.

 

[Aisling]

Feel a bit silly but the floodgates opened this evening, think I have been being a bit brave for weeks although tears are never far from the surface, mum's been in NH 3mths and so far (fingers crossed it continues) I've been more than happy with the care mum gets (late stage VD/AD, age 80). The first few weeks I cried my eyes out every time I left her (I go every day) but then somehow consciously kept them at bay because I KNEW deep down I had done the very best I could for her. The guilt monster's still clinging on my shoulder by its claws and the crying I've done for months and months had literally exhausted me (don't mean to sound drama queen, I'm sure you know what I mean)
So this evening one of my favourite carers wheeled mum to her room to get her ready for bed but mum needs 2 to wash/dress/undress and hoist, so I sat in chair chatting while carer said she just needed to go get another to help her. Mum, bless her, looked at me and said she wanted me to help J the carer. J said (rightly, I've learned to stand back a bit now mum's in NH, but its oh so hard) "oh no she can't help, she's not trained". It was in no way meant to hurt me of course, but I felt my eyes prickle and I just replied "oh I've only done it for 3yrs when I looked after mum at home, on my own, 24/7, no breaks, never had any help". And I had to go and walked home crying my eyes out! Maybe it was good to let the tears flow, I think they have been backing up for some weeks! But J is actually an angel, and I know there's no way she would have meant to upset me, but isn't it funny how the smallest remark can set you off! And sitting here now I can kind of laugh at the irony of it - "not trained" - haha

I know what you mean Shabba. It is a sad time for you. My OH is in NH now and I feel so vulnerable and tired. We have done more than our best. Your Mum is getting the extra care and support she needs now. She also has you to care for her too. It is difficult.

Aisling xx

 

[rajahh]

It may havebeen said to show your mother that you are not to help now. Coming from an official carer in the home your mother would accept that, but if you had trued to say no yoyr other woukd have been hurt

We all say things quickly, and the reason is sound but the affect is sometimes upsetting.

 

[sleepless]

I can understand why you were so upset.

I felt something similar when my husband whispered to me 'Just me and you?' as the carer (very nice woman) breezed in one morning. I explain that I can't manage the hoist on my own, and the carer very kindly comes to help us.

Sometimes it's the little things.

 

[Shabba]

She meant "not insured", and hopefully will say that next time. Or perhaps "semi retired and off duty for this bit!" I have great admiration for you and all the other carers who learned "on the job" when it's a job they never wanted, didn't get paid for, didn't get any training for and still became the leading expert on how best to care for their loved one, then did the job until it became impossible. Kudos to you and all other graduates of the Carer's School of Hard Knocks.

Bless you Spinningplates - oh boy are you ever right - you just blunder around not knowing if what you're doing is right or wrong, but can only go by what "works best", think you've got it cracked then a new situation comes up ... and here you go again! Where's our diplomas? Haha. Take care

 

[Shabba]

I know what you mean Shabba. It is a sad time for you. My OH is in NH now and I feel so vulnerable and tired. We have done more than our best. Your Mum is getting the extra care and support she needs now. She also has you to care for her too. It is difficult.

Aisling xx

So nice to hear from you again Aisling, you are an angel responding to so many people's posts, hugs from me to you as we go thru this difficult time together xx

 

[Shabba]

It may havebeen said to show your mother that you are not to help now. Coming from an official carer in the home your mother would accept that, but if you had trued to say no yoyr other woukd have been hurt

We all say things quickly, and the reason is sound but the affect is sometimes upsetting.

Thank you for replying Rajahh, yes what you say makes sense, another learning curve now NH is in the mix!

 

[Shabba]

I can understand why you were so upset.

I felt something similar when my husband whispered to me 'Just me and you?' as the carer (very nice woman) breezed in one morning. I explain that I can't manage the hoist on my own, and the carer very kindly comes to help us.

Sometimes it's the little things.

Thank you for responding Sleepless, hugs from me to you as we go thru these things together