How to tell when it's time for care home?

[Scarlett123]

I'm sure that most people in this situation would go through the same mental anguish. However I believe that caring does not necessarily mean doing everything on one's own; it also means finding the appropriate care, which is anything but betrayal. There is no room for guilt in finding help before breaking point.

Hi caqqufa, and welcome to Talking Point. You are absolutely right that caring doesn't necessarily mean doing everything on your own, but finding help, and the right help, is still very much a postcode lottery, like so many things.

I had to pay £9 an hour, plus lunch, for my husband to be at a Day Centre. He went for 4 hours a day, and this enabled me to have some sleep - and wiped out a lot of our savings too. And the charges for personal care at home were nearly double that.

People from other areas have reported that they are not means tested, and have a lot of free help. It's unfair, but that's the way it is.

 

[sah]

Thank you all for the support.

Decision made after long chat with our GP. Will now put OH in permanent care. I cannot keep him safe -with both the constant wandering and the dog poo obsession -so it is the best option. I'll leave him to settle, the start to go down.

But I miss him....and it feels the same as when my dad died. I hate this disease SO much!

 

[canary]

((((hugs)))) sah - its a hard decision

 

[Scarlett123]

Thank you all for the support.

Decision made after long chat with our GP. Will now put OH in permanent care. I cannot keep him safe -with both the constant wandering and the dog poo obsession -so it is the best option. I'll leave him to settle, the start to go down.

But I miss him....and it feels the same as when my dad died. I hate this disease SO much!

An agonising decision for you, and so many of us, sadly, know what you're going through. I think if I'd have had PooGate, or DogPooGate, to be more precise, to contend with, my towel would have been thrown in long ago.

You've been amazing to have coped for so long xxx

 

[pamann]

Thinking of you sah, how are you? I know how you must be feeling.

 

[sah]

Thinking of you sah, how are you? I know how you must be feeling.

Morning!

Coping -but it feels like he's died. I haven't felt like this since I lost my father. Really wanted to go and get him last night-but I know it would be the wrong thing to do, for both of us. So-had granddaughter(4) for a sleepover instead, which was the best medicine.

My son also got back from holiday yesterday-I had to reassure him that OH hadn't hurt me ( he's worried about that for years) That means I can now keep busy with his washing!

Looking forward to going away at the end of the week; going to Bath for two nights for a potter - and that will allow me to see my uncle and tidy up my parents' grave as they're both from a nearby village. Hoping that will help.

I will be OK I'm sure-but this is a lot harder than I expected it to be-even though we knew it was coming. Thanks for the support-it really helps.

 

[pamann]

Hello sah good that you are keeping busy, the Grand children help to keep you sane, l feel like taking my Ed home everyday, but know it is not a sensible thing to do, my friend did it, after 24hrs she pleaded with the CH to take him back.
My Son returns from holiday today, looking forward to seeing them.

Have a lovely break away, it will do you the world of good.

 

[sah]

Hello sah good that you are keeping busy, the Grand children help to keep you sane, l feel like taking my Ed home everyday, but know it is not a sensible thing to do, my friend did it, after 24hrs she pleaded with the CH to take him back.
My Son returns from holiday today, looking forward to seeing them.

Have a lovely break away, it will do you the world of good.

Popped down to care home to take more pyjamas. Saw OH's carer; she said he was fine, settled in well---and then said she couldn't believe I'd had him at home as bad as he is. Said that she couldn't do it-and she's trained!

In a strange way, made me feel better. I may sleep tonight.....xx

 

[Scarlett123]

Popped down to care home to take more pyjamas. Saw OH's carer; she said he was fine, settled in well---and then said she couldn't believe I'd had him at home as bad as he is. Said that she couldn't do it-and she's trained!

In a strange way, made me feel better. I may sleep tonight.....xx

Well there you go xxx

 

[1mindy]

I felt all the same emotions as you as Im sure many others did too when looking initially at respite. My husband stayed in the home after his respite care and never has been home since. He is just70 and never asks about home,the cats he adored,or his beloved cows from our farm. He doesn't know who we are now, he did when he went in April,I think. He is so settled,my guilt has gone,and the freedom. I have is worth a lot. Our children 26 and27 said they had lost their father and didn't want to loose me too. I will never be the same but in time I hope I will find myself again.It isn't easy but you have a life beyond Alzheimer's.

 

[sah]

I felt all the same emotions as you as Im sure many others did too when looking initially at respite. My husband stayed in the home after his respite care and never has been home since. He is just70 and never asks about home,the cats he adored,or his beloved cows from our farm. He doesn't know who we are now, he did when he went in April,I think. He is so settled,my guilt has gone,and the freedom. I have is worth a lot. Our children 26 and27 said they had lost their father and didn't want to loose me too. I will never be the same but in time I hope I will find myself again.It isn't easy but you have a life beyond Alzheimer's.

Thank you. Woke up feeling so down this morning-your insights have really helped. Have a lovely Sunday.

 

[truth24]

A big hug for you, sah. Hope you enjoy your days away and come back refreshed. As Scarlett says, I coped with my OH's fascination with his own poo, which appeared everywhere. Afraid to open drawers, doors at one time. Strange how I can smile about that now when it was so awful at the time. What is it about dementia and poo??? But couldn't have coped with bags of dog poo being brought home. Strangely enough, his CH encouraged me to visit from day 1. I asked at the time if I should delay but they said not to. This home was upgraded to Butterfly 1 last week from 2, so celebrations all round.

 

[sah]

A big hug for you, sah. Hope you enjoy your days away and come back refreshed. As Scarlett says, I coped with my OH's fascination with his own poo, which appeared everywhere. Afraid to open drawers, doors at one time. Strange how I can smile about that now when it was so awful at the time. What is it about dementia and poo??? But couldn't have coped with bags of dog poo being brought home. Strangely enough, his CH encouraged me to visit from day 1. I asked at the time if I should delay but they said not to. This home was upgraded to Butterfly 1 last week from 2, so celebrations all round.

Thank you. It has been good to have a Sunday without him constantly going out 'foraging' -or walking as he calls it. But I'm still very down; just hoping I can shake that off soon!

On top of this all-the leak in the bathroom turned out to be two; think we may need to redo the whole thing-which I couldn't have done with him home.The floor is wrecked and it all smells of mould from under/behind the bath.

Also feel I need to do it after 'Poogate'-I was in there early this morning, dismantling the outlets from the bath and sink-they were really foul and caked in all the mess-yuck! It's an ancient bathroom and needed doing -we inherited it when we bought the house. Scrubbed it all before bathing 4 year old granddaughter on Friday....worried I'd miss something!

My son asked me what we'll do while bath etc is being changed....hmmm...have to think! Give me something else to think about I suppose

 

[canary]

Bathroom fitters are pretty quick and they have to leave you with a functioning loo at the end of each day. As to the lack of bath - when we had our bathroom done we coped with a large plastic bowl and a flannel.

 

[Scarlett123]

John had a bath 3 times a week when Crossroads Care visited, but on the other days, or several times in the day, for the nether regions, if necessary, I used Bath Wipes, which are about 4 times the size of baby wipes, a lot stronger, and the pack can be microwaved, so they're warm. They're like the napkins you're given in a Chinese Restaurant, after you've had the duck rolls.

I'd then dispose of the evidence in a nappy bag, firmly tied. I can't answer the reasoning of the fascination for poo, except to say that when my children and grandchildren were small, and produced a poo in the potty, I'd say "what a clever girl/boy!". And they'd inspect the contents, thrilled in the praise.

Perhaps it's the same with AD, and the person is searching for something to be praised about? I told a friend about PooGate, and she said she couldn't have stood it for one minute, and then corrected herself and said "once would have been too much".

Though lots of us have coped with double incontinence, PooGate is another thing entirely. You really deserve a medal - and a cyber one is on its way to you.

 

[sah]

Bathroom fitters are pretty quick and they have to leave you with a functioning loo at the end of each day. As to the lack of bath - when we had our bathroom done we coped with a large plastic bowl and a flannel.

I was planning on popping into showers at local pool. My son may struggle-he can quite easily stay in the bath for an hour or more. Thinking I'll get a tin one - did me at me nan's as a child!

Don't think he'll be too impressed though....

 

[sah]

John had a bath 3 times a week when Crossroads Care visited, but on the other days, or several times in the day, for the nether regions, if necessary, I used Bath Wipes, which are about 4 times the size of baby wipes, a lot stronger, and the pack can be microwaved, so they're warm. They're like the napkins you're given in a Chinese Restaurant, after you've had the duck rolls.

I'd then dispose of the evidence in a nappy bag, firmly tied. I can't answer the reasoning of the fascination for poo, except to say that when my children and grandchildren were small, and produced a poo in the potty, I'd say "what a clever girl/boy!". And they'd inspect the contents, thrilled in the praise.

Perhaps it's the same with AD, and the person is searching for something to be praised about? I told a friend about PooGate, and she said she couldn't have stood it for one minute, and then corrected herself and said "once would have been too much".

Though lots of us have coped with double incontinence, PooGate is another thing entirely. You really deserve a medal - and a cyber one is on its way to you.

I've given up trying to work out why. He was SO meticulous and fastidious about personal care - one of the things I found so good when we first go together ( I'm smiling now as I remember the first weekend we managed to get away....) And he HATED getting his hands dirty-which was a bit over fussy when gardening! So it's all very odd...

But he always kept everything....follows on from his dad in that. So maybe he's gone back there?

A medal? Nooo..it's what we do when we love them, isn't it?xx

 

[Scarlett123]

A medal? Nooo..it's what we do when we love them, isn't it?xx

Yes ..... but ....... Poogate is another matter completely. Too late anyway, the Cyber Elves have already made it for you

 

[sah]

Going to sign forms for permanent care this morning-after my sister has read them through as my brain is mush!

Feel lousy-know it's best all round but I miss the real man so much; know he's not there though. Already worrying about what will happen in 15 months when his money runs out...but I'll tackle that one then!

Thank you all for your support/advice-has really helped.xx

 

[canary]

((((hugs))))) sah. Its always hard at the time