Elderly wife

[Doodlebuig]

My wife is 90 years of age and her memory is getting very poor now
and gets confused about most things.

I realise what it might be, but haven't discussed it with her
as there is no cure for memory loss and she would be very upset.

At her age, I am trying to make her last years as stressfree and as peaceful as possible
and I haven't discused this with a doctor who would probably send her for a brain scan, etc.

This is the last thing I would wish her to go through at her age. I know from her reaction when she sees this type of thing on TV that it would cause her great anxiety.

As there is no cure I've came to the conclusion that dragging her about to see doctors
and specialists would only stress her out and reduce any happiness she still
enjoys in late life.

Do you think I am wrong in my reasoning?

Albert.

 

[Cat27]

Welcome to TP

I tend to agree with your reasoning however an official diagnosis can be very helpful when dealing with social services & benefits officials.

 

[LYN T]

A very difficult problem-trust your instincts I think, but as Cat writes you have to weigh up the help you could receive -Council Tax reduction etc. However, my late Husband's Cousin is married to someone who has been told that he has AD, and he is all too aware of his situation. I phoned them last night and after I told him it was me (I said Lyn T here) it was obvious that he hadn't clue who I was. He answered 'I have Dementia you know'-heartbreaking. When I said 'the lady with the dogs' he did remember. Well, I think he did.

Have you any family members that you can discuss this with?

Take care

Lyn T XX

 

[Padraig]

Your reasoning is perfectly correct from my perspective. Been there done it. My wife was only in her seventies towards the end, but at no stage did I discuss the effects of Alzheimer's with her. I always attempted to understand her world. When she saw people that I couldn't, I didn't put a name to it, but chatted with her about the 'people'.

The question I always asked myself: "How would I feel in her shoes?"
She gave me years of her life, it was an opportunity to repay to the best of my ability in a time I knew was running out.

Just my mind-set.

 

[Grannie G]

Perhaps you could discuss it in confidence with your doctor Doodlebuig even if you don`t want your wife to know or to undergo tests .

It might help in time to come.

 

[Onlyme]

I agree about quietly speaking to the Dr. As things progress at least your wife's name will be in the system and it will be easier for you to obtain help later on.

 

[LYN T]

Perhaps you could discuss it in confidence with your doctor Doodlebuig even if you don`t want your wife to know or to undergo tests .

It might help in time to come.

Very good idea Sylvia.

Albert, do you think this suggestion would help?

 

[Doodlebuig]

Very good idea Sylvia.

Albert, do you think this suggestion would help?

Yes it would help if I could speak to a doctor.
The problem, as I understand it, is that one cannot go to a doctor to discuss someone else's medical problem without their being present. I shall investigate this further.

Re talking to relations. We have no near relations at all.
Being rather loners, we do not have any close friends either for me to discuss this with, hence my letter to this forum.

Thank you all for your replies which have been helpful.

 

[nitram]

Without the consent of the person you cannot discuss any details but you can voice your concerns, the doctor has a duty of care to the patient to follow this up.

I agree that going down the memory clinic and scan does not seem a good idea but think that a blood test to rule out treatable conditions (electrolytes, B12, thyroid,...) that can cause confusion could be a good idea. It can be called a well woman check.

 

[Padraig]

I'm also a loner, been a loner all my life, never had friends. I manage fine as I'm independent and paid my own way. I paid for the equipment I required such as a wheelchair, commode etc. When our days ended I passed on the equipment to others in need. Each of us are different.
Really not sure why I post on here.

 

[Vera's den]

Letter of consent for doctor

You could suggest to your wife you both write letters giving the doctor permission to speak to either of you. If you write one as well so she could speak on your behalf it would make it easier. When I was concerned about fil we already had a letter on file and I wrote to the doctor who came to see him. He arranged a visit from the doctor from memory clinic who said because of his observations that day there was no need for MRI tests as at 90 they would only be distressing.

 

[jikkie]

I tend to agree. My husband didnt get upset or anything, so no harm done going thro the rigmarole, but the diagnosis I feel achieved absolutely nothing. He was given a prescription, a nurse visited once (not really sure why!), and confirmed there was nothing further, no assessments no nothing, until I get to the point where I cannot cope. He was 79 at the time, now 82.

I really do not understand the government drive for diagnosis of AD, not until they have substantially better treatments available at least.

The diagnosis was not the relevant factor for Attendance Allowance or Council Tax discount either.... the latter depended on the former, and the AA you have to fill in forms about the amount of help needed.

I don't yet have experience of trying to get any help, or a care home.... but I would have thought general competence etc would be the issues, rather than a diagnosis.

 

[Essie]

Welcome to TP Albert, sorry that you find yourself here though...

I can completely sympathise with your feelings about the potential stress to your wife without any benefits to speak of but there are some good suggestions here that might really help -

The 'joint' permission letters is a great idea and will make things a lot easier.

Nitram makes a really good point that getting your wife a check up and some blood tests will at least eliminate some basic conditions that could be the cause of your wife's current issues and could be treated. And if the tests are negative and your GP does agree that it is some form of dementia then at least, as others have said, it will then be on record and that can make things easier in terms of accessing help and support in the future.

Best wishes.

 

[Scarlett123]

My wife is 90 years of age and her memory is getting very poor now
and gets confused about most things.

I realise what it might be, but haven't discussed it with her
as there is no cure for memory loss and she would be very upset.

At her age, I am trying to make her last years as stressfree and as peaceful as possible
and I haven't discused this with a doctor who would probably send her for a brain scan, etc.

This is the last thing I would wish her to go through at her age. I know from her reaction when she sees this type of thing on TV that it would cause her great anxiety.

As there is no cure I've came to the conclusion that dragging her about to see doctors
and specialists would only stress her out and reduce any happiness she still
enjoys in late life.

Do you think I am wrong in my reasoning?

Albert.

Hallo Albert and welcome to TP. As you will see from the replies that have been posted, this is a very friendly and helpful site, and I would agree with the suggestions that you at least get your wife "into the system", without having to cause unnecessary stress.

May I also add what a lovely caring husband you are. I wish you and your wife well. xxx

 

[Doodlebuig]

Thanks again everyone with most helpful comments.
Much appreciated.

 

[Shedrech]

Hi Doodlebuig
I'm just wondering if it might be worth organising Powers of Attorney for your wife, and yourself, these would help you with access to medics and in having legal access to your wife's financial affairs
I know it sounds odd suggesting that husband and wife become Attorneys for each other (and have either a replacement named or another Attorney to act jointly and severally, just in case) but it gives you legal clout
I'm suggesting you both do this so that your wife doesn't feel it's something singling her out - you can contact Age UK for help with them, and also complete them online
best wishes to you both

 

[Doodlebuig]

We already have financial powers for each other.
At the time I didn't think medical powers were required,
but things do change, sometimes very quickly.